With TV Rights in Flux, Twins Close Target Field to Spectators and Media

[RandBalls Stu]

The team is also working with DirecTV and WCCO to disable satellites, jam radio signals.

Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund

The Minnesota Twins are on their longest winning streak since 2008. They have a goofy home run celebration. They’re back in town for a seven-game homestand. And thanks to a groundbreaking front office initiative, you’ll be able to harness the power of your imagination to enjoy the rest of the season.

“The best way to experience Twins baseball is with the mind’s eye,” said a team spokesperson. “That’s why we’re closing Target Field to all spectators and media, effective immediately.”

This break with the tradition of being able to watch a game with your eyes comes in the wake of Comcast removing Bally Sports North from their cable programming.

“We agree that its unfair to Comcast subscribers that they can no longer watch their favorite team,” said the spokesperson. “Locking the Target Field gates levels the playing field for our fans.”

In addition to preventing a live audience from viewing the games, the team is also working with other media providers like DirecTV (satellite) and WCCO (radio) to cease coverage of the team.

“We were looking over the books and it turns out the Pohlads (the family who owns the Minnesota Twins) have their own defense contractor,” said the spokesperson. “Apparently, the same technology that turns family farms into Dollar Generals can also be used to knock out relay towers. It gives us some much-needed leverage.”

“I thought that sounded like blackmail,” said a WCCO employee of the tactic. “But they said it’s not blackmail if you’re rich.”

The team says they hope this unorthodox curation of the in-stadium and at-home experience encourages fans to reassess how they consume media.

“Everyone knows too much screen time is bad for you,” said the spokesperson. “And if you’re at Target Field, you’re not home with your family, which encourages things like drug use and wokeness.”

As for how fans can follow the team going forward, the spokesperson said, “The oral tradition predates the printing press. Stories will travel from person to person, strengthening the bonds of family and enriching our neighborhoods. If you want to know if Austin Martin is getting called up, put down your phone and ask someone.”

Although closing Target Field will have a decidedly negative impact on the team’s finances, one source close to the front office said the team is prepared.

“Here’s the deal: People like baseball, but they love generational wealth,” said the source. “The lack of fans in the stands means we’ll have to shed payroll in the offseason. There might be some ruffled feathers in the fan base, but at the end of the day, the majority just want to know if the Pohlads are going to be alright. And they will be once we get that payroll down to a more manageable $40-50 million. That kind of flexibility is more valuable than any championship.”

Image license here.

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[wsnydes]

Given everything else, this really was the next logical step.  I hope it works out for them.

[Hubie29]

Ok, so 50% satire, and 50% truth.  I get it. 

[silverslugger]

Okay, so I have a DeLorean in my garage. After reading the article, I travelled back to '65, '87, and '91 just to enjoy some live baseball.  Sure enough, this new minds-eye media philosophy goes all the way back to the Washington Senators.  Their serious about this folks!

[theBOMisthebomb]

Pure brilliance, this was hilarious on many different levels. 

[CRF]

Way too close to the truth. 

[BobAzar]

[ToddlerHarmon]

The Pohlads earned this article, and more. Kudos

[MABB1959]

Looked at the schedule and it seems like they will be on Fox once in June and once in July.  That seems to be much less than in the last few years.

[Whitey333]

I know it's just satire.  But this article is neither funny nor entertaining.

[DJL44]

50 minutes ago, MABB1959 said:

Looked at the schedule and it seems like they will be on Fox once in June and once in July.  That seems to be much less than in the last few years.

I only saw the Giants game in July, which game in June?

[Cory Engelhardt]

42 minutes ago, Whitey333 said:

I know it's just satire.  But this article is neither funny nor entertaining.

Yeah? Well, you know, that's just like uh, your opinion, man.

[Brock Beauchamp]

One of Stu's best pieces in awhile because it's so ****ing accurate.

[ashbury]

[Riverbrian]

1 hour ago, Whitey333 said:

I know it's just satire.  But this article is neither funny nor entertaining.

It is absolutely funny and absolutely entertaining. 

[Craig Arko]

Art imitates life.

[Riverbrian]

4 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

“But they said it’s not blackmail if you’re rich.”

[Parfigliano]

4 hours ago, Hubie29 said:

Ok, so 50% satire, and 50% truth.  I get it. 

That equation produces the best satire.

[USAFChief]

1 hour ago, Whitey333 said:

I know it's just satire.  But this article is neither funny nor entertaining.

This is satire, right?

[ashbury]

1 hour ago, Whitey333 said:

I know it's just satire.  But this article is neither funny nor entertaining.

Sometimes satire takes on a side target at the same time, my friend.

[Fire Dan Gladden]

If the Pohlads could make $5  doing this, this is exactly what would happen.

[Mike Sixel]

One of the best yet!

[joefish]

I have to put my phone down and ask someone to tell me what I missed.

Hey, what did I miss?

 

[lukeduke1980]

And at 40 million we'll still be able to compete in the Central Division

[MABB1959]

3 hours ago, DJL44 said:

I only saw the Giants game in July, which game in June?

You are right so ONLY 1 game all year!  I suppose that is because of the Bally's deal.

[DocBauer]

BRILLIANT!

And deserved!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a

[Teflon]

The Twins were actually so desperate they looked into hiring courtroom sketch artists to depict the on-field action but it turned out that three solid years of sketching the same thing over and over again had ruined the lot of them.

Twins Manager Rocco Baldelli Taking Questions

[blindeke]

Not to be a pedant, but I believe the correct plural is "Dollars General"

[Johnny Ringo]

For special access to how money grubbing the Pohlads are, become a caretaker of this site and sign up as a Patreon subscriber. 
 

They are all sharks, boys. The only difference? Some wear Hermes ties and some wear Chinese food on their shirts.

[Jocko87]

If he'd have gone with the sausage angle and ten game winning streaks and baseball players doing anything to keep a streak going, he might have had something.

Otherwise see comments in the open discussion about the state of the forums.  Here lies exhibit A.