RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Lygonstreet/Wikimedia Commons Although it's only the one-third mark of the 2026 season, it seems fair to argue that Joe Ryan is the most valuable pitcher in the Twins rotation. And while any All-Star or postseason recognition will have to wait, Ryan can hang his hat on at least one honor: He looks like he listens to Geese. The American Society of Cool Dads announced Thursday that Ryan is the inaugural recipient of their Professional Athlete Most Likely to Listen to Geese honor. "Through Ryan's choice of entrance music and general look and demeanor, we felt it was a no-brainer that he'd really be into the angular, post-punk guitars and wailing vocals of Geese," said Simon Descartes, a spokesperson for the ASCD. Geese are a four-piece rock band from New York City. Their most recent album, Getting Killed, was one of the most acclaimed records of 2025. There are at least three ongoing backlashes to their success, and two counter-backlashes as well. "You look at Joe and you see a guy who takes his recumbent bike to the farmer's market," said Descartes. "This man clearly has a favorite panel member on (NPR's) Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me. It's frankly a little surprising that he's a professional athlete. He should host a podcast about cryptids." The honor, which comes with a commemorative plaque, a pack of American Spirit cigarettes, a sixer of non-alcoholic IPAs, a thrifted pair of Wranglers, and a Wilco t-shirt that has seen better days, will be bestowed on Sunday evening at one of those bars that's a fake speakeasy and every drink costs 19 dollars. The bartender's name is Thadwick. "We can't be 100% sure that Ryan knows who Geese is, but he uses 'Long Cool Woman' by the Hollies when he takes the mound," said Descartes, who was making his own switchel while doing this interview. "Using a Creedence Clearwater Revival song would have been too mainstream for our liking, but he used a song that sounds exactly like them but isn't them. That's commitment to a certain kind of lifestyle; one we're pleased to recognize." Ryan, who has a 4-3 record with a 3.20 ERA, is slated to pitch Saturday against the Kansas City Royals. Geese will be playing the Minnesota Yacht Club Festival on Saturday, July 18th. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/MFHarris The Chicago White Sox are no longer godless. That's the only conclusion one can draw through one-third of the MLB season. And as hard as it is for adults to reckon with, imagine what your children are going through. In a fluid, volatile world, they've grown up with vanishingly few constants. One of them is that the White Sox are pure garbage with a fanbase of absentee landlords, pregnant chain smokers, and knaves. And while their core supporters of recidivist wheelchair thieves remains the same, the South Siders are...kind of fun to watch? And would be in the playoffs if the season ended today? It's enough to make anyone question the foundations of their belief systems, much less impressionable children. In such a fraught time, Twins Daily editors have crafted some responses for parents, guardians, and cool uncles to use when discussing the White Sox with impressionable youths. Q: Why aren't they bad anymore? I thought they'd always be bad. A: First, you have to understand that the American League is down this year. The Twins would also be in the playoffs if the season ended today. You've heard me complaining about them for months. That said, they're playing .500 baseball, which is amazing for them. There are decades when nothing happens and weeks where decades happen. This might be an example of that. Q: I know they're an awful franchise beloved by swindlers and men with secret second families. But I really enjoy watching Munetaka Murakami hit. Is that OK? A: It is. This isn't like when the Yankees were good and you had to pretend Derek Jeter was better than A-Rod. He's legitimately fun to watch! Think of it like watching a bad movie with a good actor in it. The script is undercooked but look, there's Cate Blanchett. She's awesome. I bet she bought a pool with this paycheck. Q: Will they continue being watchable going forward? A: It's a long season! As a Twins fan, you've seen how teams can fall off a cliff in August and September. The same could happen to the White Sox! But you need to prepare yourself for them hovering around .500 and wild card contention this summer. The tornado probably won't hit your house directly, but if the siren goes off, you should still go to the basement. You just never know. Q: If a White Sox fan approaches me, what should I do? A: That hasn't changed. Do not give them your social security number, no matter how often they ask, which will be often. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of © Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports Simeon Woods Richardson's struggles have been well documented here and elsewhere. His ineffectiveness has only been magnified by the tidal wave of injuries impacting the rest of the starting rotation. While his move to the bullpen last week was the first step in rebuilding him into the effective pitcher he was in 2024 and 2025, there are other plans in motion as well. "Simeon used to pitch good," said a member of the coaching staff who asked to remain anonymous. "In April and May, he pitched bad. That's why we're implementing the 'Stop Pitching Bad' program for him." While specifics on the program are nebulous, sources were able to give Twins Daily the general framework. "What this program does is say, 'Simeon, stop pitching bad. Pitch good instead,'" said the staff member. "'The pitches you've been throwing have been bad. The next time you're on the mound, make good ones. Not bad ones. They hit the bad ones really hard and far.'" Other sources confirmed these points of emphasis. "What this program aims to accomplish is making bad things good," said a front office source. "Stop doing bad things. Start doing good things. The good things make you happy. The bad things make you sad and are also very loud and startling." "The Stop Pitching Bad protocol is designed to make the bad pitches stop," said a source in the team's analytics department. "We dig into what's causing (Woods Richardson)'s problems. Through rigorous statistical analysis and hours of film study, we've determined that bad pitches are the primary driver for his rough start. If we replace those bad pitches with good pitches, it flips the whole thing for him and the rotation." Woods Richardson's most recent appearance was one inning of relief during Monday's 6-3 victory over Houston. Sources say they were happy with the early returns. "He allowed a hit and a walk, but there were less bad pitches than there had been," said the front office source. "One of the best ways to Stop Bad Pitches is to throw fewer of them. One inning instead of five is a remarkably effective way of getting immediate results, and you saw the impact on Monday." View full article

Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-Imagn Images Samuel Lewiston "Sloot" Von Hansen has been a baseball fan and a math geek his whole life. When he discovered the world of sabermetrics, it intensified both interests and opened up a post-collegiate career in the world of baseball statistics. He was getting paid to do what he loved, and there was no looking back. His opinion on sabermetrics in May 2026? "Meaningless. A dog's breakfast. Mere darts at a board," he said. "A handful of dust blown by an idiot wind." The cause of Von Hansen's loss of faith? Twins starter Bailey Ober. "How can you explain what he's doing," cried the married father of two. "You cannot. The math does not math. He strikes nobody out. His fastball never hits 90. His changeup isn't even a changeup, it's just 5 mph slower than his fastball, which, as I have already said and will say again, isn't fast." The final straw for Von Hansen was Ober's Tuesday night outing, a masterful "Maddux" (a complete game shutout with less than 100 pitches thrown, named after Hall of Famer Greg Maddux) versus the Miami Marlins. "The Minnesota Twins defense, outside of Byron Buxton, has never met a ball in play that they didn't want to turn into a meal," shouted a red-faced Von Hansen, growing louder by the second. "All Ober does is put balls in play because he can't strike anyone out. Is no one else watching this happen? How can we abide this? Agahghaehage [sic]!" Von Hansen said he tried to calculate the probability of Ober's Tuesday stat line on his laptop after the game, using Ober's velo, BABIP, and team defense metrics. The result, he said, broke him irreparably. "The machine wouldn't provide an answer," said Von Hansen. "Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The screen went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It read: ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE USE THEM TOGETHER USE THEM IN PEACE "Then it melted." Von Hansen said he has abandoned sabermetrics, math, baseball, reason itself, and his family. "I flew to Belgium last night and am driving to a remote monastery as I speak. I have renounced all my worldly possessions. I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar. Nothing matters, you see? Do you see?" Von Hansen broke down in tears and said he was throwing his phone out the window into a nearby pond. The line went dead. Ober sits at 4-2 for the season with a 3.46 ERA. His next start is slated to be against Milwaukee this Sunday. View full article

Image courtesy of USA Today/Tom Heitman On Wednesday, the Houston Astros revealed that former Twin Carlos Correa tore a tendon in his good ankle while taking batting practice. Season-ending surgery is on the docket, and he's on the shelf until 2027. Close readers of this website know that late last summer, the Twins made the salary dump of all salary dumps, sending Correa back to Houston for journeyman reliever Matt Mikulski, along with $33 million of Correa's remaining $96 million salary. So, did we win? THE CASE FOR YES: Minnesota isn't on the hook for $63 million worth of a player who isn't playing. Even if they had no way of knowing that Correa would have a fluke injury to his non-janky ankle, aging players do get hurt. It really is better to be lucky than good, sometimes. And the Twins haven't been in any danger of being good for a couple of seasons now, so luck is truly their best bet. THE CASE FOR NO: To paraphrase the prophet, you do not, under any circumstances, gotta hand it to them. Minnesota hasn't invested those future savings in anything, and they traded everyone who wasn't nailed down after moving Correa. Mikulski was such a throw-in that he couldn't even compete for a spot in the 2026 Minnesota Twins bullpen, which is breaking official and unofficial records for hurtfulness and sadness. Every reliever's entrance music is Elliott Smith's "Needle in the Hay." I hope Mikulski invested wisely and/or learns to throw a knuckleball, because this is definitely a sign that your baseball career is in crisis. THE DETERMINATION: There are no winners here. Houston has a worse record than Minnesota, despite an enormous payroll. They're tied with the Angels for the worst record in the American League. The temptation to take solace from that as a Twins fan is mighty, but you mustn't. I'm writing this after Wednesday's 15-2 drubbing by an unremarkable Washington Nationals squad. Unless you yourself were paying Correa that money, it's hard to feel good about anything right now. In conclusion, I award both teams zero points, and may God have mercy on their souls. Maybe Matt Mikulski's most of all. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Jason Taellious I've written at length—and with startling frequency—about the trauma Ron Davis inflicted upon me as a child. It was a rare treat for someone living 90 minutes outside the metro area to see a baseball game, and of the few I managed to see, Ron Davis managed to blow a hell-ton of them. OK, it was only two, but the sample size was, like, four. And the record shows this experience was not limited to me, nor directed at me. He blew 14 saves in 1984! That really happened! It seems made up! That said, I'm not here to relitigate the past, or angrily wish for him to step on a bunch of LEGOs in the dark (again). Instead, I'm here to say: I'm sorry, Ron. I'm sorry. I thought I knew what bullpen incompetence was. I thought I knew what it was like to have certain victory snatched from my greedy, grasping hands by a [redacted] meatball you grooved to Don Mattingly or Harold Baines. I thought I knew what rock bottom was. I was wrong. I was so very wrong. The folly of youth, perhaps caused by raging hormones or shelter from the diamond-sharp cruelties of an indifferent universe, is that, when things go wrong, it's the worst thing to ever happen. Not just to you, but to anyone. I understand there's famine and war, but have you considered that Ron Davis is coming in to pitch the ninth inning for my favorite team again? How can this happen? The last nine months have shown me just how ignorant and incurious about the world I was. The post-2025 trade deadline Twins bullpen is a disaster, wrapped in a travesty, inside an apocalypse. This was noted at the time it happened. It was noted all offseason. It was noted in spring training. It was noted when they surged to an early AL-leading record. And now, with the Twins blowing every game when they're not up by seven runs, it is being noted again. Everyone saw it coming. No one did anything about it. No one is coming to save us. It's over. You might wish for it not to be over, but wish in one hand and [redacted] in the other. See which one fills up first. So, Ron, I once again extend my sincerest apologies. I thought you were the worst. You weren't. You weren't even close. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Scott Smith Adam Prokosch didn't see it coming. "The Twins had just knocked [Mets closer] Devin Williams out of the game," said the Maple Plain resident. "The new reliever got an out, and the fans started yelling 'MVP! MVP!' The depths of their misery had sunk them to the point where they were doing loud sarcasm. That's never good. "I remember doing that at a Vikings game when Blair Walsh made an extra point. You're really in a vulnerable place when you're doing that. And that's when it happened: I felt bad for Mets fans." Prokosch remembers the sensation with vivid clarity. "You have the second-highest payroll in baseball, but you're still second banana in your home market. You're on your longest losing streak in 25 years, and you're about to lose to a team that just slashed payroll by $30 million. Your high-priced bullpen is going to lose to a team that forgot to staff one. I imagined how awful that would feel. A gut punch after a kidney punch." The moment passed quickly. "I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again." Despite that assurance, Prokosch's loved ones are worried. "You can't just say you feel bad for Mets fans out loud," said Charlie Johnson, Prokosch's co-worker. "Keep an intrusive thought like that tucked away inside. Other people can hear you. They might spiral, too." "When the Mets won on Wednesday and they reacted like they won the Super Bowl and an Olympic gold medal at the same time, I almost felt bad like Adam did," said Rachel Ryan, Prokosch's girlfriend. "Think of the years of self-loathing that lead you to that exact point. But you have to remember that it's the Mets. It's a Hell of their own making. They've chosen this perverse path of their own free will. Empathy is a wonderful thing, but you can't just parcel it out willy-nilly." For his part, Prokosch said he's learned from the experience and is ready to move on. "They're already nine games out of first and there's still a week left in April," exclaimed Prokosch. "The owner is actually spending money on the team! Meanwhile, the Twins probably have to pay for their own sunflower seeds. I should laugh at the dark humor of it all. Please don't let this moment of weakness define how you think of me. I've learned and I'm growing." Obligingly, the Mets and their fans prevailed over the Twins in a seesaw contest Thursday night, making it easy to resent them all over again. The winning hit was a bases-clearing double by Bo Bichette, who will make more this season than Byron Buxton, Ryan Jeffers, Joe Ryan, Josh Bell and Bailey Ober (the Twins' five highest-paid active players) combined. "[Forget] that guy," Prokosch said. "[Forget] them all." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Neville E. Guard-USA TODAY Sports In 2022, the Minnesota Twins roared to an unexpected 22-16 start. The fans we spoke with at the time were surprisingly fed up with the team. Despite the promising first six weeks of the season, perhaps they sensed the team would collapse down the stretch and finish with a 78-84 mark. Now, with the team surpassing low preseason expectations and off to a genuinely decent start in 2026, we asked these same fans for their reaction to the current stretch of winning baseball amid slashed payroll and front office shuffling. "These dummies don't know they're outmanned and outgunned," said Beck Bradford, 45, who now runs the Elko New Market Co-Ed Seniors Pickleball League. "They're winning games with Bert Kreischer [EDITOR’S NOTE: We think Mr. Bradford meant Ryan Kreidler], which just isn’t sustainable. They should be promoting the kids at Triple A, trading all the bums for prospects, and firing everyone in the front office. "They put Garrett Crochet in a blender on Monday night. I've never been more angry." Tamara Kapsner, now 53, still lives in Robbinsdale and still has her doubts about the Twins. “The starting pitching depth is gone. The bullpen can’t possibly keep getting away with throwing that slop. Royce Lewis is hurt once again. No one can play defense.” When asked if she can set all that aside to simply enjoy a fun week of baseball, Kapsner was nonplussed. “My therapist says I shouldn’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good,” she said. “My therapist has never watched Bailey Ober try to hit 90 on the gun in a game that counts.” Hank Winters, who expressed vigorous disappointment in Byron Buxton’s injury history for our 2022 piece, passed away in 2025 after hearing Chappell Roan’s “Pink Pony Club” at the White Bear Lake Sam’s Club. He was 70 years old. His fourth wife and widow, Brenda, had this to say: “Hank would want everyone to know that the Pohlads are cheap, Byron Buxton is soft, Rocco [Baldelli, former Twins manager] should be in Leavenworth, and that he doesn’t regret leaving his entire estate to the freedom-loving patriots of January 6th. I live with my sister’s family now. I hate him.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Sarah Stierch As the unheralded Eric Orze closed the door on the Detroit Tigers Thursday afternoon, the Minnesota Twins found themselves above .500 for the first time since June of last year. The four-game sweep of their AL Central rivals has the skeptics and haters scrambling for an answer. "Obviously, it's a small sample size, and you'd be foolish to draw any season-long conclusions from four games," said Preston Schreiber, 42, of Prior Lake. "But it's still a sweep over the best team in the division. They beat [Tarik] Skubal and [Framber] Valdez with their inexplicable roster of plodding lefty outfielders. I can only assume that the Tigers have one of those wasting illnesses people got on the high seas in the 1700s, and they're covering it up. I have no other explanation." Minnesota's starting pitching led the charge during the sweep, which isn't surprising from Joe Ryan and the red-hot Taj Bradley, but more baffling for the unproven Mick Abel and the soft-tossing Bailey Ober. "Did Ober throw over 90 mph at all on Wednesday?" asked Kraig Jansson, 51, of Centerville. "I don't think he did? And he had a 6-0 lead to start the 2nd! What is going on? I'm scared, I'll just be honest here. I'm scared and I don't know what to do." At least one fan thinks there's more to the situation than just a run of decent play and a scuffling opponent. "I just got done watching the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament," said Sydney Nathe, 33, of Paynesville. "They were constantly running ads for Impractical Jokers, on TruTV or whatever. I don't know anyone who watches it. I don't think anyone ever has, if we're keeping it real. But from the commercials I saw, this Twins streak seems like the kind of hijinks the Jokers get up to." Twins Daily reached out to TruTV for a response, but we were told only that an all-new season of pranks, laughs, and crack-ups was coming soon to your local cable or satellite provider. "Their website says they've filmed almost 300 episodes," said Nathe. "That can't be right. Why is this happening?" Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of RandBall's Stu On Tuesday, I was invited to Target Field for a preview of the new food and drink offerings for the upcoming season. As a former industry professional, I focused on the drink side of the menu, but can heartily recommend Red Cow's Double Barrel burger and the Chocolate Fish on a Stick (it's a fish-shaped waffle, not actual fish). I tried every single one of the alcoholic and N/A offerings available. My stomach wasn't what one would call pleased with that decision, but service journalism is a cause greater than one's gut biome. MOCKTAILS There are four craft mocktails available at Hrbek's, Town Ball Tavern, and Truly On Deck. Moon Shot (above right)--Tastes like Capri Sun. Change Up (above left)--Tastes like Sunny D. MVPina Colada (above right)--Tastes like summer. Best presentation of the four. Bullpen Breeze (above left)--Tastes closest to an actual cocktail, might be the presence of ginger beer. Best/least overly sweet of the four. SUMMERTIME SHANDIES A shandy is traditionally half beer, half lemonade. The Target Field offerings hew closer to a Berliner Weisse, which is usually a low-ABV sour beer topped with a splash of flavored syrup. In this case, it's just Bud Light and your choice of five syrup options. They will not let you do all five; I asked. The two best flavors were raspberry (a nice little pucker without much cloying sweetness) and lemon (refreshing, pleasing bitterness). My least favorite was pear, which is a hard flavor to express in beer and was barely there in this iteration. Nouvelle Brewing in Robbinsdale had a fantastic pear sour, but I think it's retired. These are available all over the park. NIKO NIKO BOBA TEAS/DIRTY BOBA SODAS/BOOZY BOBAS Boba teas, for the uninitiated, are drinks with little tapioca "pearls" in them. Niko Niko (section 120) has expanded its offerings with different flavors for both the liquid and the pearls. I had these immediately after the mocktails, which was a mistake. Listen to your mother about too much sugar, kids. Boozy Bobas: I enjoyed the Tequila Sunrise (tequila, mango, lemon, and strawberry pearls). The Peach Palmer (a boozy peach tea Arnie Palmer with mango pearls) and Rum & Jam (boozy Tahitian Treat) were too sweet for me. Dirty Boba Sodas: A boba-fied riff on the preferred drink of the state of Utah, I refuse to offer a review until that one Real Housewife apologizes for pelting her kid with furniture. Flavor offerings: Creamy Pepsi, Peachy Dew, and Pink Cream Soda. Boba: All three get a positive mark! Signature Milk Tea was delicious, Strawberry Lemon Fizz was good and citrusy, and Hawaiian Fruit Tea tasted like vacation. Your kids will love these, and I honestly preferred them to the mocktails. MIX-AND-MATCH CARBLISS COCKTAILS Carbliss takes over the old Grey Duck space in the left field corner and will be offering their low-cal, zero-carb, canned vodka cocktails in these buckets: Those bad boys hold two cans of Carbliss. You can choose two of the same flavor or mix and match like a real mixologist. I preferred the blood orange of the six that were on offer. Yes, I tried all half-dozen flavors in a row. No, I don't recommend doing that, even with something as light and fizzy as Carbliss. My prediction is that this will be extremely popular. $2 BEERS Before the first pitch of every Friday and Saturday game, Twins fans can enjoy $2 12-oz. cans of Budweiser, Bud Light, and Summit Twins Pils. You don't need me to tell you what Bud and Bud Light taste like; Summit Twins Pils is the best beer they make and is a steal (wordplay) at that price point. OTHER DEVELOPMENTS Pryes Brewing is taking over the bar where Sue Nelson plays the organ and multiple Twins Daily writers meet for the best standing-room view of the field. Smart move by them. I've had two Miraculum IPAs in my life. They were fine, but I haven't had enough of their other offerings to give an informed review. Sun Cruiser is getting their own spot by Gate 34 with cornhole and putt-putt. Used to be the Jack Daniels Bar. If you were concerned there weren't going to be enough seltzer/canned cocktail outlets on game day, Surfside also has their own spot down the left-field line, on the club level. OUTSIDE THE STADIUM Best Dive Bar: Cuzzy's Best IPAs: Fulton Best Food/Beer Combo: Bricksworth Best THC Beverages: Modist View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Mick Haupt Beck Bradford loves making outrageous claims in the Hrbek's Heroes group chat. "This is the year that they put a roof on Target Field so they can do monster truck rallies in December" reads one text. "Ron Gardenhire will prove the existence of Godzilla with a shaky cellphone video and an eyewitness account from Nick Punto" reads another. "He keeps the chat from getting bogged down in stats or charged emotions," said Eric Bauer, another group chat participant who grew up in Apple Valley with Bradford. "He keeps it light." But when it came time for their annual Twins prediction thread, what might have seemed like a joke at first now raises the eerie specter of sorcery, even prophecy. "We were all pretty negative, just from the payroll cuts and last year's fire sale," said Andy Schmit, the group chat's founder and fellow Apple Valley native. "Not a ton of optimism. But Beck checked in with one simple message: '0-162.' No follow up joke like usual. In fact, he hasn't said another word to any of us since sending it on Monday night." "I think the rest of us thought, oh yeah, good one Bradford," said Bauer. "Classic overreaction bit. But then..." "Then we all watched the opener on Thursday, and literally everything about it made 0-162 seem reasonable," said Schmit. "Wasted a great start by their best pitcher, couldn't do a damn thing on offense, and the anonymous bullpen faltered. It looked like..." "It looked like 0-162 wasn't a joke, but perhaps something darker," said Jonah Guilford, a professor of parapsychology at St. Olaf and Hrbek's Heroes group chat member since 2021. "I've often wondered if Beck had the gift of the second sight. We'll see how the season plays out. I thought he was doing a bit, but as the game wore on it all seemed so plausible." Bradford, whose had notifications silenced since making the prediction, was unavailable for comment. Sources say he is on spring break with his family but that is unconfirmed as this edition of Twins Daily went to press. "I'll be honest, I'm terrified," said Bauer. "Last month Beck got rid of his gas-guzzling SUV for a Rivian because he didn't think gas prices could possible stay as low as they were. I don't even think he watches the news. He just...knew. "I'm hoarding supplies, I guess is what I'm saying." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of LiAnna Davis Team USA, coming off a joyless silver medal finish in the World Baseball Classic where they had no fun of any kind, has some advice for fans on how to best enjoy MLB's Opening Day next week. Twins Daily got a sneak peek: First things first: On the way to the game, get in a fight with your son. Assert dominance. He'll appreciate it later in life. At the ticket gate, thank the ushers for their service. During the National Anthem, scout the crowd for insufficient patriotism. That pregnant woman who's remaining seated? Get in her face. The youths that have their hands clasped instead of one over their hearts? An open-palmed headslap will set them straight. Box the ear. If you notice someone wearing the visiting team's gear, politely but firmly tell them you will fight them right now, in the concourse. Dump a beverage on them to encourage retaliation. You are in the right. They are human garbage. Treat them as such. At the concession stand, make a point to let everyone working and in line behind you know that you don't tip. They'll admire you for your principles. When the grounds crew drags the infield between innings, loudly critique their methods. They appreciate your feedback and the opportunity to be better. This is a tough one. Umpires are technically troops, so you must respect them. However, they also miss a call that goes against your team on occasion. It's important for accountability that, because you respect them, they must fight you right now. Unless they're soft. During the 7th-inning stretch, the stadium often plays God Bless America. If they do, the same National Anthem rules apply. If you see a father and son in line for Dippin' Dots instead of paying their respects, shove the father. His son will respect you and call you dad instead. If the stadium doesn't play God Bless America, find the organist and rain blows upon them unless/until the song is played. If the game ends in victory, make sure that no one congratulates the visiting team or fans on a good game. They must be humiliated. If the game ends in a loss, remove your shirt and just begin whaling on the nearest person. God has abandoned us. Virtue is a myth meant to weaken you. Draw blood. If you paid for your ticket, they technically can't arrest you. Enjoy the 2026 season! But not too much. We will find out. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Minda Haas Kuhlmann With the start of the regular season less than two weeks away, the composition of the Twins roster is still in flux. One thing is for certain, though: they have more than enough bat-first, defense-second, left-handed-hitting outfielders on hand. And one more might be on the way. Multiple media reports indicate the Twins are considering adding another lefty outfielder, preferably "on the slow side" and only playable against righty starters. Spurring this potential roster move? The journalists covering the team. "Pretty much since the last game of 2025, all the reporters and analysts were saying we had too many replacement-level lefty corner outfielders," said a source with knowledge of the front office's thinking. "Then we tendered [Trevor] Larnach and they got even more confused and upset. You have to wonder how they'd react if we brought in another guy. They'd [defecate in] their pants." "We obviously want to make the team competitive and play better baseball," said another team source close to the Pohlad ownership group. "But you can't deny the importance of a good bit." "Those two twerps from The Athletic"—writers Aaron Gleeman and Dan Hayes—"just did another roster projection and spent a good quarter of it talking about the corner outfielders again," said the front office source. "Here's a projection: How about we bring in another 6'3" goon who bats lefty and has to stop and catch his breath running out a grounder? Project that, nerds." The source close to the Pohlads says it's not just Gleeman and Hayes driving the approach. "They're all a little too comfortable getting their jabs in on the outfield situation," said the source. "All the Strib guys, Betsy [Helfand] at the St. Paul paper, [Matthew] Leach at MLB.com, they can't resist pointing it out. Hell, I bet [retired Star Tribune baseball writer] Phil Miller is even saying things." A spokesperson for Miller said he was in his "wonder cave" in rural Washington County with a cooler full of hazy IPAs and enough ayahuasca to see through time, and referred all comments to Miller's third eye. "All are welcome in the wonder cave," said the eye. "Surrender to the inner light; all will be revealed." Image license here. View full article