RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of John Bonnes John Bonnes, proprietor of Twins Daily and co-host of Real Housewives fan podcast Gleeman and the Geek, is known for declaring a yearly Worst Loss of the Season for the local nine. It’s usually late in the season, and it’s usually a deciding factor in the team’s playoff push or lack thereof. As gutting losses piled up after the trade deadline, Bonnes was frequently asked if the most recent one was the Worst Loss of the Season. He’d reply, with an almost zen-like calm, “The Worst Loss of the Season hasn’t happened yet.” Now, with the team all but mathematically eliminated, his fellow fans are wondering if Bonnes missed the boat. As it happens, he misses his beer. “Friday, August 28th,” said Bonnes, in an exclusive sitdown with Twins Daily. “I was at The Ball Park Cafe at the State Fair. The Twins were losing to the White Sox at Target Field. I had just ordered a fresh, full-flavored Metrodome IPA from my friends at BlackStack Brewing. It was in my hands, and then it wasn’t. “That spilled beer was the Worst Loss of the Season. I think about it every day.” Sources close to Bonnes confirm this. “John had just gotten his beer when another patron accidentally hit his arm,” said Bonnes’s wife Chrissie. “He was super apologetic and offered to buy John a new one, but the keg had just kicked. The beer was gone. He had a Modelo instead. “He didn’t even finish it. The light had gone out of his eyes.” Bonnes says the whole incident was a blur. “This soft, hazy IPA that rides a Mosaic, Krush, and Strata Hyperboost hop bill was gone. I wish it had never been there. Knowing I could have had it is worse than it never being there at all. I’m just sick about it.” When asked if there was an actual game that qualified for Worst Loss of the Season status, Bonnes was defiant. “At the end of the day, these are just games. But when you lose a full beer, it marks you. The bready malt backbone, the orange/grapefruit aromatics, maybe even a little bit of pine and bitter citrus on the finish…and it’s gone in an instant. People overcome loss, but they don’t forget it.” View full article

Image courtesy of David Richard-Imagn Images The Minnesota Twins' struggles in August and September, while not surprising, are certainly a setback for a team and a fanbase hoping to take advantage of a weak American League and battle for a playoff spot. OK, check that. They are surprising, by one little-known statistical measure. "If you look at the AJCLM, this team should not only be in the playoff hunt, but battling the White Sox for the AL Central," said Abel Langston, a self-taught mathematician and aspiring sabermetrician from New Hope. "It's frankly shocking that they aren't." The AJCLM is the Alex Jackson Clubhouse Leadership Metric, which measures the impact of infrequently-used third catchers and is named after the current Twins reserve backstop. "Since he was recalled from St. Paul on August 17th, the data points that provide the backbone of the AJCLM all called for a late-season surge by the Twins," said Langston. "Just looking at the hard numbers, the team should be on a 21-game winning streak." The team is 9-12 since Jackson rejoined the club in place of the injured Austin Martin. Langston says he is at a loss to explain why reality has diverged so drastically from the projections. "The AJCLM takes into account all the intangibles a third catcher brings to a team," said Langston. "You have leadership. You have gumption. You have being a team player. You have all the late-inning flexibility a manager wants. You have a 'what if both my other catchers get hurt' insurance. You have grit and want-to. The kind eyes and winning smile...there might be no other player on earth who grades out as an 80 on all those functions like Jackson." While the team's in-house statistical analysis doesn't use Langston's metric, sources say they are equally surprised at the lack of knock-on effects Jackson's presence has provided as the season slowly slips away. "His inner strength and quiet leadership are bona fide elite skills," said a scouting department source who asked to remain anonymous in order to provide candid information. "He is the first guy in the clubhouse who'll ask, 'Hey, you need a lift to the airport?' He has helped three different players move into their new places this summer. One of them had a piano." Jackson has had three plate appearances since returning to the club, drawing a walk and hitting a single. "It's admittedly a small sample size, but if a player gets on base two out of every three times, we're talking first-ballot Hall of Famer," said Langston. "There are just more questions than answers at this point." The Twins host Cleveland for a three-game series this weekend. Jackson is only expected to play if "the whole team gets malaria," said a front office source. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Malachi Cowie You might be searching for the words to describe Wednesday's 11-6 loss to Detroit. "Gutpunch" and "kick in the teeth" and potentially even "worst loss of the season," if this site's founder deems it so on his next podcast. That combination of bad loss plus improbable comeback plus blown win in extras really makes it a marvel of sadness. In short, you may have been left speechless. Fortunately, I'm here on Fridays, and I can offer you the following metaphors, figures of speech, and bitter, angry sentences to use at the water cooler or in your group chats. These phrases are free to use for all Twins Daily readers. MAN, THAT LOSS WAS LIKE: An inch-long splinter under your fingernail. Watching a Rob Schneider film. Watching a Rob Schneider film while getting an inch-long splinter under your fingernail. Harassing a lady bartender in front of Jack Reacher, telling Jack Reacher to mind his own business, then finding yourself hurtling through a chair, hardwood table, and plate-glass window. Getting hit in the face with sadness. One of last year's losses. Finding a $100 bill on the street, thinking about how cool it is to find a $100 bill on the street, when all of a sudden the wind blows it out of your hand and it blows right into the hand of Joe Pohlad, who lights it on fire because paper money is for poor people. Watching J.J. McCarthy throw a touch pass. Watching J.J. McCarthy throw a touch pass to Rob Schneider. Listening to Gleeman and Hayes argue about a prospect at a loved one's funeral. Listening to Gleeman and Hayes argue about a prospect at your funeral. They're in the casket with you. It's a tight fit, but this discussion about Emmanuel Rodriguez is not going to wait. Bonnes does an ad read for BetterHelp. Being a godless Chicago White Sox fan before this year. We hope these provide some level of relief in this difficult time. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of WMAV/Meta With speculation about prized Twins prospect Walker Jenkins at a fever pitch, many are wondering what, exactly, was the hold up in his promotion to the big leagues. We're finally getting some answers. "Walker loves the bright lights of St. Paul and simply doesn't want to leave," said Scott Boras, Jenkins's agent. "The First National Bank sign, the Wabasha Street Caves, miles and miles of biking and walking trails... simply put, St. Paul has it all. Why would Walker want to leave? Why would anyone?" With Byron Buxton's continued health problems and the playoffs looking increasingly out of reach, many are perplexed why a player with Jenkins's offensive upside was still down on the farm, with increasingly harsh invective directed at the team's front office. It turns out to be a bit more complex than that. "We've tried to get ahold of anyone in the Saints clubhouse to say, 'Hey, we might be in need of a player shortly'," said a Twins front office source. "We just get a voicemail saying they're out enjoying a show at the Ordway, the restaurants of Cathedral Hill, or watching the sunset on Harriet Island. "We've even texted Jenkins, and he'll just respond with a selfie from Mancini's. He's got a bowl of garlic bread in front of him. I've never seen anyone so happy and living in the moment. I guess that's just what happens when you spend your days in that great American city, St. Paul, Minnesota.'" Rather than a call, Jenkins got the call Thursday. He's due in Minneapolis Friday afternoon. No word yet on whether he's willing to make the move. "The last time I spoke with Walker, he was at the Como Zoo," said Boras. "He said he was as one with the animal kingdom, celebrating the wonders of nature in a uniquely beautiful urban setting. He was hoping to hop on a tour of the James J. Hill House before batting practice so he could learn ever more about the colorful history of St. Paul, Minnesota's capital city." Although it seems unlikely, the Twins could force Jenkins's hand by driving to St. Paul and bringing him back across the river. The front office source says that presents its own set of problems. "Obviously, Walker is under contract and has to observe our decisions. The problem is that whenever we send an employee or intern there, they never come back—so overwhelmed are they by the beauty and vivacity of St. Paul that they refuse to leave. We're running a skeleton crew here, honestly." That's been true in the outfield, too. The challenge of the day is finding someone who can be sent to extradite Jenkins, and who will actually return from the mission. View full article

Image courtesy of David Frerker/Imagn Images When Austin Martin went on the IL, many thought it would finally be the opening the Minnesota Twins needed to call up prized outfield prospect Walker Jenkins. Instead, they brought back Alex Jackson as their third catcher, despite Jackson clearing waivers from the other 29 teams the week prior. Those who cover the Twins were perplexed, as were many fans. Team sources say they had a good reason, though. “Spite,” said a front office source. “Pure spite.” While having a rarely-used, poor-hitting third catcher seems like an unnecessary luxury for a team that’s slumped mightily on offense without a healthy Byron Buxton, the source said other considerations were in play. “The writers and bloggers have been torching us about the bullpen for a whole year, and we finally fixed the stupid thing,” said the source. “Instead of a thank you, what do we get from them? Did we get a thanks? Nope. 800 words about why we aren’t calling up Walker Jenkins. Gelman and the Gooch [sic] did a whole podcast about it. So, yeah, you turds are getting Alex Jackson. We’d call him up twice if we could. [EXPLETIVE] you.” Jackson hasn’t been used since returning to the bigs, but the Twins put together a massive sweep of likely postseason contender Atlanta to stay in the Wild Card conversation. The front office source wanted to make sure everyone knows who gets the credit. “We don’t finish that sweep without old Al, that’s just a fact,” said the source. “His kind eyes and down-to-earth demeanor keep the clubhouse loose and inspired. And he never once said he was quote, ‘mystified,’ unquote about the front office’s decision-making.” With Ryan Jeffers healthy and Victor Caratini locked in as his backup, it seems unlikely that Jackson will see much playing time, barring injury. Even though rosters expand from 26 to 28 players on September 1, the source says anyone hoping to see Jenkins then will likely be disappointed. “Spite doesn’t go away,” said the source. “It festers. It metastasizes into something darker, malevolent. I’m only getting madder talking about this. All those guys can’t stand Tristan Gray. Guess who’s coming back. As for the 28th player… hmmm, maybe there’ll be a change of heart. Maybe we’d like to see what kind of pop one of those young bucks at Triple-A can do. “And even better, Matt Wallner is a hometown kid. Eat [EXPLETIVE], Gelman." View full article

Image courtesy of Summit Entertainment Hoping to build on both the goodwill generated by and fan response to this year’s Field of Dreams game, MLB announced that Saturday’s Twins/Phillies game would be played in Forks, Washington, home of the vampire baseball scene in the 2008 film Twilight. “Field of Dreams is a generational touchstone for so many baseball fans,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred. “And the same can be said for the story of Bella and her immortal vampire lover Edward in Twilight. The fact that a game of baseball is foundational to her acceptance into Edward’s family of fellow sparkly vampires makes this an ideal sequel to our game in Dyersville.” The game was originally slated to be played at Target Field. Anyone with tickets to the game will have them honored if they make the trek to the remote Washington town. “We understand it’s a bit of a haul from the Twin Cities to Forks,” said a source in the Commissioner’s office. “And there obviously aren’t any direct flights. What we’re hoping is that people will hop in the minivan for a fun weekend road trip with the family to share the beauty of baseball. I don’t really drive. Gas is still cheap, right?” When told that it’s actually quite expensive at this time and that there might be some age gap discourse given that Bella is 18 while Edward is 108, the source pointed out the window and said there was a beautiful baby bird. No such bird was observed, and when this reporter turned back around, the source was gone. Team sources say the Twins and Phillies will be wearing old-timey uniforms like the vampires do in the Twilight scene. The players will be allowed to add as much sparkly glitter to their skin as they are comfortable with. While many MLB greats replicate the Field of Dreams scene where legends enter the diamond from the adjacent corn field, It’s not known how they would be utilized in a Twilight-themed game. At least one Hall of Famer is skeptical. “Vampires are pretty scary,” said Twins great Joe Mauer. “And if they’re sparkly? No way, Jose. Real rough stuff.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/jpellgen For decades, there's been a vocal faction of Twins fans furious with the Pohlad family for not spending money on the team they own. It's waxed and waned over the years, with the payroll slashing of the last two seasons causing a spike in disgust. Now, with new Pohlad-in-charge Tom adding salary and making moves to better the squad, even dyed-in-the-wool Pohlad haters are tipping their caps. With this in mind, Twins Daily reached out to Jack Nyquist, the local man who claims to have invented the "Cheap Pohlads" talking point in the mid-'90s. And while he's still skeptical, it's clear that he's working to adjust to the new reality. "OK, so they're well under their payroll number from last season, and way under the one from the last playoff run," said Nyquist, dejectedly. "But even I can't get mad about it. They're actually trying. I can't believe I've gotta hand it to them. It's a real bummer." Nyquist, who bought 11 seats in the upper deck recently so he and his friends could wear T-shirts that spelled S-E-L-L-T-H-E-T-E-A-M when they all sat together, said he's been getting calls, texts, and email from his fellow haters about potential next steps. "Nobody knows what to do right now," said Nyquist, rubbing both index fingers against his temples. "They're doing the one thing cheap Pohlads don't do, and that's be not cheap. I just wish they'd given us some warning." Although Tom Pohlad has been vocal since spring training about his desire to help the team be competitive this year, Nyquist said he had no way of knowing he actually meant it. "Lucy told Charlie Brown he could kick the football so many times, man," said Nyquist. "He never got to kick it. The Pohlads spent money before he got to kick the football. Think about that. The world is upside down and I don't know what to do about it." When asked if the recent losing streak and the nebulous status of Joe Ryan and Byron Buxton might cause the Twins to regret their relative largesse at the trade deadline, not even Nyquist could reach for the anger he once so easily accessed. "Man, they've got (new reliever Jeff) Hoffman and (new starter Dean) Kremer for 2027, too," said the longtime Roseville resident. "They clearly plan to be competitive next year, too. I don't even know, man. Should I transition to being a 'Buxton won't play hurt' guy? I never thought I'd need to get a new bit. This stinks." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alexander Shatov As Twins Territory waits to see how the team approaches potential bullpen and rotation upgrades before Monday’s trade deadline, your dad once again was fooled by a fake MLB insider social media account. In a series of texts from Thursday afternoon, your dad made it clear he’d once again been tricked by a Twitter account pretending to be ESPN baseball analyst Jeff Passan. “tHAT [sic] ESPN goof with the big ears said Twins got Otani [sic],” read the first text. As you were busy at work, you didn’t respond immediately. Ten minutes later, a second text came in saying, “He said it was for Bukton [sic] straight up, you hearing this?” A brief check of social media and ESPN confirmed that no such deal was in the works, but a quick search of Twitter showed that an account called @jeffpa22an with 37 followers had posted the fake trade rumor on Thursday morning. You texted that this was a fake social media account, and further explained the move made no sense on account of Ohtani’s salary, Buxton’s injury, and a host of other reasons. “Are you sure? I saw it on my phone, and that passant [sic] is pretty reliable,” read your dad’s response. As you sighed loud enough for your co-worker Ashley to look over her cubicle wall to make sure you were OK, you repeated that it was a fake Jeff Passan account, similar to the fake Adam Schefter account that fooled your dad into thinking the Vikings were playing their home games in the Fargodome this year because of structural flaws at US Bank Stadium. “OK,” read your dad’s response. “I guess the cheap Pohlands [sic] wouldn’t of made that deal anyways. LOL.” You set your phone down, went back to work, and remembered that time your mom gave the phone scammer her social security and checking account routing numbers. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Devin Topkin Last Friday, I wrote that Twins fans should embrace their unlikely playoff contention status. Discard the default Minnesota fatalism, don't let stingy ownership spoil the fun, and just enjoy the prospect of competitive baseball for as long as it lasts. So, about that. As the Twins kept getting their brains beat in by the Cubs and then the Guardians, and those playoff odds kept diminishing loss by ugly loss, I tried to maintain some faith. Which is real hard to do when your All-Star starter gives up a gazillion homers in one game to a team that never hits home runs. Wednesday's blowout helped a bit. "You know, if you take out that losing streak where they were outscored 34-9, things don't look that bad," I said to an empty room. Then they got Gavin Williams'ed on Thursday afternoon. As I prepared to write my apology for being a dumb idiot whose mother dresses him funny, however, these goofballs clawed their way to an improbable 3-1 win in 12 excruciating innings. I exhaled, shook my head, and walked around the block. Basically, if you decided to do the tired "same old Twins, same old Minnesota sports" routine, you would still look pretty smart right now (see above, 34-9). That 4-game losing streak made a strong case for parting ways with some veterans and adding some prospects to a promising young core. They looked nothing like the team that had been respectable for a month-plus, which in the American League makes you look like the '27 Yankees this season. But they stole a split on the road against Cleveland. They have some truly dreadful teams coming to Target Field, in the Athletics and Royals. If you choose to maintain some optimism, I will join you. 4-2 feels like the bare minimum for a 6-game homestand. Is it likely? Who knows! But I've got nothing better to do than see what happens. It's too hot to start worrying about the Vikings, anyway. In summation, I still believe because it's more fun that way. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash The facts are the facts. The Minnesota Twins are a legitimate playoff contender. It's weird to read those words about this team. I'm uncomfortable writing them. I'm aware of the flaws. I'm aware the American League is a dumpy little college bar--everyone agrees it sucks and the bathrooms don't work, but the specials are amazing for those who can't afford anything better. (For the purposes of this metaphor, the specials are the Wild Card spots.) This might give you pause. Indeed, it's easy to lapse into Minnesota sports fatalism. It's our reflex position, our muscle memory. They're NOT EVEN .500. In 16 games, they could go 4-12, and Joe Ryan could be a Dodger. Or they could go 10-6, and the Pohlads might say "Uh, we just don't have the money, guys. Sorry about that. We just traded Josh Bell for a Toyota." They're both possible outcomes! But I'm not going to do that. Nor should you. That feeling you're feeling—that I'm feeling, too—is optimism. There is a non-zero chance that this team could make the playoffs. They might even win the division, because if the AL is a dumpy college bar, the AL Central is a dumpy college bar with a kitchen that makes you sick every time you order something that isn't tater tots. And it's in Cleveland, even though you went to school in Moorhead. It's such an unlikely place to land after last year's trade deadline slaughter and the slumbering offseason. None of this should be happening. One of their most critical players is a nepo baby journeyman! You're caught off-guard and don't really know what to do with your hands. Here's what I recommend: Hug this feeling tight to your chest, because you deserve this. You're still following this team, despite ownership not loving it nearly as much as you do. Know going into the next 2-3 weeks that they could break your heart one more time. Accept that, even in the best-case scenario, they'll probably get wiped out in a short, ugly playoff series. But they might not. Think about how wild that is, after all the nonsense you put up with. That's optimism. It doesn't last. It never does. Why not ****ing enjoy it? View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Firmbee.com In a normal season, a team bumping along just under the .500 mark at the All-Star break would not be considered a playoff contender. In fact, they'd be one bad week away from parting with pricy veterans before the August 3 trade deadline. Alas, 2026 isn't normal, and the Minnesota Twins are learning this the hard way. "When we said we expected this team to be competitive and that we'd give them the resources to do so, we sort of didn't think through what would happen if they actually were," said a front office source. "Even in the unlikely event they were around .500, we figured Detroit or Cleveland would be running away with the thing. They're pure diarrhea, as is the American League. Basically, we are screwed." Multiple sources tell Twins Daily that the team is scrambling to adjust to the undeniable reality that they're playoff contenders on both the divisional and Wild Card fronts. The expectations that come with this situation are weighing heavily on team leadership. "I saw Tom Pohlad Googling 'how to buy at trade deadline' on his laptop after we beat Cleveland on Wednesday night," said a person with knowledge of the team's decision-making process. "We're all high-fiving and cheers-ing each other, and he's there grimacing like he's trying to solve the Sunday crossword." "It appears that every option for adding a player involves paying some or even all of their salary," said the front office source. "It's a real buzzkill. Seems like the league should offer some relief if the team is trying their best while the rest of the league is stepping on every rake in the yard." On the other hand, a Pohlad family source confirmed they have no issues parting with prospects to add a player. "A prospect is someone who just costs more money later on. Such a weird baseball phenomenon. Physical assets are supposed to depreciate, like every [REDACTED] office building in our [REDACTED] portfolio has." The source was unable to confirm reports that the Twins are hoping to pay for any acquisitions with mixed-use retail and commercial real estate holdings instead of cash. "Can't comment on that, but God that would be so cool. Please buy our buildings. Please." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Shinya Suzuki The New York Yankees are mired in a seven-game losing streak. The Minnesota Twins, while not setting the world on fire, are keeping the .500 mark in view and are very much in the Wild Card hunt in a weak American League. Could this weekend’s series see a reversal in the Bronx Bombers’ decades-long chokehold on the rivalry? We asked Twins Territory for their thoughts: Butch Perry, 68, Alexandria “I expect the Twins to lead every game going into the 9th inning and to lose by five runs. I realize this is mathematically impossible. It doesn’t matter.” Lee Torgersen, 55, Willmar “It looks like the Yankees are missing Aaron Judge, Max Fried, Giancarlo Stanton and a number of other big names. I expect them to win by 30 the first two games and eke out an 8-run win on Sunday.” Allison Lemke, 41, Albert Lea “My partner and I are going to Home Depot to buy drywall after work today. We anticipate punching and kicking new holes all weekend long, and we both have Monday off to hang, tape, and mud the new stuff. I really like having these travel days to plan ahead for the sadness and rage.” Greg Zanoth, 35, Burnsville “It defies logic and any kind of analysis that the sins of past Twins squads would be visited on the 2026 team. Both the Twins and Yankees are dealing with injuries, the Yanks are really struggling right now, and you could argue the Twins are handling their misfortune better with a league-leading offense. "Oh, that’s right, you said you wanted a prediction. The Twins are definitely getting their heads caved in. Math hasn’t watched the last 25 years of Twins/Yankees. I have.” Darryl Ewing, 49, Minneapolis “I expect the Twins to steal two out of three games in the Bronx and wake up Monday morning to find they were given a red card by Rob Manfred and the two victories given to New York.” Rick Dunhill, 77, Maplewood “I’m already moving on to being mad at the Vikings for drafting J.J. McCarthy.” Colin Boyd, 20, St. Francis “Remember when Jason Kubel smoked that grand slam off Mariano Rivera to beat the Yankees in Yankee Stadium in 2010? Jim Thome was grinning like an idiot in the dugout, Gardy was hopping up and down? Remember that? Yeah, I don’t, I was 4. Everything is bad and I hate it. Yankees by a million and everyone who isn’t hurt gets hurt in a subway accident." View full article

Image courtesy of Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes, announced Thursday that it had been acquired by Silvestri & Bolin Holdings, and would now be known as Jacob Cave. "We've always been a cave for Jakes, and we'll never stop being that," said spokesperson Danyel Greer. "This new chapter will allow us to expand our reach and accept Jacobs as well. It's a brand-new day at Jacob Cave, the cave for Jakes and, for the first time, Jacobs." Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, the former Jake Cave is fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. The rebranded Cave is best known to Twins fans for sharing a name with former Minnesota outfielder Jake Cave, who has been sent there multiple times, much to his chagrin. "Here at Jacob Cave, we provide Jakes and Jacobs in need with the skills, tutoring, and guidance they need to succeed in the modern world," said Greer. "It can be anything from trade skills to English as a second language to calisthenics. Jakes and Jacobs on the margins can re-enter society fully equipped to make their mark on the world." Greer would not comment on the fate of Mecha Jake, the cave's AI robot that has led to a number of lawsuits against the cave and likely led to its sale for below market value to Silvestri & Bolin. "We can't comment on an ongoing criminal investigation," said Greer. "Our hearts are with everyone at the kitten and puppy shelter as they sift through the rubble." Meanwhile, Jake Cave the player is currently on the roster of El Aguila de Veracruz in the Mexican League. Through his agent, Cave said, "I'm never going back there. You hear me? I'm never going back." When asked if Jacob Cave would accept Jakobs with a "k," Greer was resolute. "Jakobs with a 'k" aren't OK," said Greer. "That remains a bedrock company policy. They can get their own damn cave. Laggards and jackanapes, the lot of them. "They can go to hell." View full article