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Image courtesy of Flickr/Richard Bartlaga As he watched the no-longer-hapless Chicago White Sox surge to a 2-0 lead in the ALDS at the Roseville Buffalo Wild Wings earlier this week, lifelong Minnesota Twins fan Mike Martinez came to a startling conclusion: He enjoyed watching them. “I was [redacted] horrified, man. I clapped when they got a key base hit or strikeout. I shouted ‘Hell yeah’ when (Munetaka) Murakami got a hold of one and high-fived the woman sitting next to me. I hate this. I hate myself.” Martinez says he grew up hating the White Sox even more than the Yankees. “Their teams were full of jerks and their fanbase was a collection of vampires and pederasts,” said the 42-year-old IT professional. “I didn’t even like Jim Thome when he was on the White Sox, and everyone likes Jim Thome. Now look at me—cheering for these perverts and horse criminals.” Martinez says everything in his life is fine. He has a good relationship with his parents. He has a steady job, and his spouse just got a promotion at work. Their only child is a straight-A student. Nothing in his life was pointing to this downward turn. “They say you never know what kind of journey someone else is on or what they’re going through,” said Martinez. “I’ve always been skeptical of therapy, but clearly I have some unresolved issues somewhere. I should talk to someone.” If there’s any reason for optimism, Martinez thinks Chicago’s opponent might be a slim reed of hope to grasp onto. “The best case scenario I can think of is that my loathing of the insufferable Cleveland Guardians is causing this aberration. They have an unserious payroll, and they trot out a bunch of anonymous pitchers and win 90 games every year. I hate them very much and want them to lose all their money to internet scams or crooked preachers. But still, I was grinning from ear to ear when the godless and unwanted Chicago White Sox won a playoff game. I don’t expect others to forgive me. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Rick Burtzel Troy Milbank was watching the San Diego Padres close out the Chicago Cubs on Wednesday night when he noticed something on the home team’s bench. Or rather, someone. “Holy [EXPLETIVE], that’s Nick Punto,” exclaimed the 46-year-old father of three in his Roseville living room, startling Bosco, the family dog. “LNP is coaching for the Padres!” His excitement soon turned to bewilderment when the camera gave him a closer look. “They did a tight shot of Little Nicky Punto and he’s got a full beard with a ton of gray hair,” said Milbank, who works as an engineer for 3M. “I swear it was just yesterday that he was one of the Piranhas. And then I remembered that both my parents are dead and 2006 was twenty years ago.” After processing the cruel, inevitable passage of time for a moment, Milbank did the only thing he could think to do: He went online and scheduled a colonoscopy. “I’m in good health overall, even if my cholesterol is a bit high,” said Milbank. “But my doctor said they’re lowering the advised age to get your colon checked to 45. I know the prep kinda sucks and I was dragging my feet a bit. Nick Punto looking like one of my dad’s buddies from the Navy got me right with God in a hurry. I’ll [EXPLETIVE] my brains out for a day if that means I can see my grandkids grow up.” The former Twin’s advanced age wasn’t Milbank’s only surprise. “My wife Ashleigh looked up from her book when I shouted. She saw him, whistled, and called him a ‘zaddy.’ I don’t know how to react to that. My bride of 21 years has erotic thoughts about old-ass Nick Punto. It’s been a surreal 24 hours.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Aaron Burden Twins fans hoping to catch one more look at their favorite team this weekend have a chance to do something special for the team's ownership group: Say "thank you." Sources close to the front office say they'll have giant thank-you cards stationed at each of the main entrance gates for attendees to sign, as a means of expressing gratitude to Tom Pohlad (and the rest of the extended Pohlad family) for spending money at the trade deadline. "They're roughly the size of those novelty checks you see when somebody makes a big charitable donation," said one team official, who asked to remain anonymous. "We'll have pens set out for fans to sign their names and offer a small word of encouragement to the Pohlad family, thanking them for all they've done. Regular-sized pens. We didn't want to splurge for novelty ones." The Twins, coming off consecutive seasons of budget cuts and offseason inactivity, made multiple trades in August to shore up their relief pitching and added Dean Kremer to the rotation. "And it's about time someone said thanks," said the source. "They actually tried a little bit this summer. Lots of people spend August on their yachts or at their country estates, hunting foxes or that most dangerous game, human beings. The Pohlads didn't. They stayed here and gave the rabble something to cheer for. Frankly, it's long past time for the little people to celebrate their betters." In addition to the cards, there will be QR codes posted throughout Target Field for fans to give thanks monetarily. All the money raised by the so-called "Thank a Pohlad Fund" will go to various needs the family has. "The money will go to where it can be most effective," said a source close to the family. "For example, one of their stableboys was overly defiant and would look many family members directly in the eye. He obviously was let go, but finding a steady, obedient replacement who knows his place is difficult without paying a job search firm." Another source indicated that the family feels its budget for yacht maintenance and fox-hunting equipment will need to be augmented for the coming fiscal year. The Twins open their series with Texas at 7:10 PM this evening, with Joe Ryan making his final start of the season. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of John Bonnes John Bonnes, proprietor of Twins Daily and co-host of Real Housewives fan podcast Gleeman and the Geek, is known for declaring a yearly Worst Loss of the Season for the local nine. It’s usually late in the season, and it’s usually a deciding factor in the team’s playoff push or lack thereof. As gutting losses piled up after the trade deadline, Bonnes was frequently asked if the most recent one was the Worst Loss of the Season. He’d reply, with an almost zen-like calm, “The Worst Loss of the Season hasn’t happened yet.” Now, with the team all but mathematically eliminated, his fellow fans are wondering if Bonnes missed the boat. As it happens, he misses his beer. “Friday, August 28th,” said Bonnes, in an exclusive sitdown with Twins Daily. “I was at The Ball Park Cafe at the State Fair. The Twins were losing to the White Sox at Target Field. I had just ordered a fresh, full-flavored Metrodome IPA from my friends at BlackStack Brewing. It was in my hands, and then it wasn’t. “That spilled beer was the Worst Loss of the Season. I think about it every day.” Sources close to Bonnes confirm this. “John had just gotten his beer when another patron accidentally hit his arm,” said Bonnes’s wife Chrissie. “He was super apologetic and offered to buy John a new one, but the keg had just kicked. The beer was gone. He had a Modelo instead. “He didn’t even finish it. The light had gone out of his eyes.” Bonnes says the whole incident was a blur. “This soft, hazy IPA that rides a Mosaic, Krush, and Strata Hyperboost hop bill was gone. I wish it had never been there. Knowing I could have had it is worse than it never being there at all. I’m just sick about it.” When asked if there was an actual game that qualified for Worst Loss of the Season status, Bonnes was defiant. “At the end of the day, these are just games. But when you lose a full beer, it marks you. The bready malt backbone, the orange/grapefruit aromatics, maybe even a little bit of pine and bitter citrus on the finish…and it’s gone in an instant. People overcome loss, but they don’t forget it.” View full article

Image courtesy of David Richard-Imagn Images The Minnesota Twins' struggles in August and September, while not surprising, are certainly a setback for a team and a fanbase hoping to take advantage of a weak American League and battle for a playoff spot. OK, check that. They are surprising, by one little-known statistical measure. "If you look at the AJCLM, this team should not only be in the playoff hunt, but battling the White Sox for the AL Central," said Abel Langston, a self-taught mathematician and aspiring sabermetrician from New Hope. "It's frankly shocking that they aren't." The AJCLM is the Alex Jackson Clubhouse Leadership Metric, which measures the impact of infrequently-used third catchers and is named after the current Twins reserve backstop. "Since he was recalled from St. Paul on August 17th, the data points that provide the backbone of the AJCLM all called for a late-season surge by the Twins," said Langston. "Just looking at the hard numbers, the team should be on a 21-game winning streak." The team is 9-12 since Jackson rejoined the club in place of the injured Austin Martin. Langston says he is at a loss to explain why reality has diverged so drastically from the projections. "The AJCLM takes into account all the intangibles a third catcher brings to a team," said Langston. "You have leadership. You have gumption. You have being a team player. You have all the late-inning flexibility a manager wants. You have a 'what if both my other catchers get hurt' insurance. You have grit and want-to. The kind eyes and winning smile...there might be no other player on earth who grades out as an 80 on all those functions like Jackson." While the team's in-house statistical analysis doesn't use Langston's metric, sources say they are equally surprised at the lack of knock-on effects Jackson's presence has provided as the season slowly slips away. "His inner strength and quiet leadership are bona fide elite skills," said a scouting department source who asked to remain anonymous in order to provide candid information. "He is the first guy in the clubhouse who'll ask, 'Hey, you need a lift to the airport?' He has helped three different players move into their new places this summer. One of them had a piano." Jackson has had three plate appearances since returning to the club, drawing a walk and hitting a single. "It's admittedly a small sample size, but if a player gets on base two out of every three times, we're talking first-ballot Hall of Famer," said Langston. "There are just more questions than answers at this point." The Twins host Cleveland for a three-game series this weekend. Jackson is only expected to play if "the whole team gets malaria," said a front office source. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Malachi Cowie You might be searching for the words to describe Wednesday's 11-6 loss to Detroit. "Gutpunch" and "kick in the teeth" and potentially even "worst loss of the season," if this site's founder deems it so on his next podcast. That combination of bad loss plus improbable comeback plus blown win in extras really makes it a marvel of sadness. In short, you may have been left speechless. Fortunately, I'm here on Fridays, and I can offer you the following metaphors, figures of speech, and bitter, angry sentences to use at the water cooler or in your group chats. These phrases are free to use for all Twins Daily readers. MAN, THAT LOSS WAS LIKE: An inch-long splinter under your fingernail. Watching a Rob Schneider film. Watching a Rob Schneider film while getting an inch-long splinter under your fingernail. Harassing a lady bartender in front of Jack Reacher, telling Jack Reacher to mind his own business, then finding yourself hurtling through a chair, hardwood table, and plate-glass window. Getting hit in the face with sadness. One of last year's losses. Finding a $100 bill on the street, thinking about how cool it is to find a $100 bill on the street, when all of a sudden the wind blows it out of your hand and it blows right into the hand of Joe Pohlad, who lights it on fire because paper money is for poor people. Watching J.J. McCarthy throw a touch pass. Watching J.J. McCarthy throw a touch pass to Rob Schneider. Listening to Gleeman and Hayes argue about a prospect at a loved one's funeral. Listening to Gleeman and Hayes argue about a prospect at your funeral. They're in the casket with you. It's a tight fit, but this discussion about Emmanuel Rodriguez is not going to wait. Bonnes does an ad read for BetterHelp. Being a godless Chicago White Sox fan before this year. We hope these provide some level of relief in this difficult time. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of WMAV/Meta With speculation about prized Twins prospect Walker Jenkins at a fever pitch, many are wondering what, exactly, was the hold up in his promotion to the big leagues. We're finally getting some answers. "Walker loves the bright lights of St. Paul and simply doesn't want to leave," said Scott Boras, Jenkins's agent. "The First National Bank sign, the Wabasha Street Caves, miles and miles of biking and walking trails... simply put, St. Paul has it all. Why would Walker want to leave? Why would anyone?" With Byron Buxton's continued health problems and the playoffs looking increasingly out of reach, many are perplexed why a player with Jenkins's offensive upside was still down on the farm, with increasingly harsh invective directed at the team's front office. It turns out to be a bit more complex than that. "We've tried to get ahold of anyone in the Saints clubhouse to say, 'Hey, we might be in need of a player shortly'," said a Twins front office source. "We just get a voicemail saying they're out enjoying a show at the Ordway, the restaurants of Cathedral Hill, or watching the sunset on Harriet Island. "We've even texted Jenkins, and he'll just respond with a selfie from Mancini's. He's got a bowl of garlic bread in front of him. I've never seen anyone so happy and living in the moment. I guess that's just what happens when you spend your days in that great American city, St. Paul, Minnesota.'" Rather than a call, Jenkins got the call Thursday. He's due in Minneapolis Friday afternoon. No word yet on whether he's willing to make the move. "The last time I spoke with Walker, he was at the Como Zoo," said Boras. "He said he was as one with the animal kingdom, celebrating the wonders of nature in a uniquely beautiful urban setting. He was hoping to hop on a tour of the James J. Hill House before batting practice so he could learn ever more about the colorful history of St. Paul, Minnesota's capital city." Although it seems unlikely, the Twins could force Jenkins's hand by driving to St. Paul and bringing him back across the river. The front office source says that presents its own set of problems. "Obviously, Walker is under contract and has to observe our decisions. The problem is that whenever we send an employee or intern there, they never come back—so overwhelmed are they by the beauty and vivacity of St. Paul that they refuse to leave. We're running a skeleton crew here, honestly." That's been true in the outfield, too. The challenge of the day is finding someone who can be sent to extradite Jenkins, and who will actually return from the mission. View full article

Image courtesy of David Frerker/Imagn Images When Austin Martin went on the IL, many thought it would finally be the opening the Minnesota Twins needed to call up prized outfield prospect Walker Jenkins. Instead, they brought back Alex Jackson as their third catcher, despite Jackson clearing waivers from the other 29 teams the week prior. Those who cover the Twins were perplexed, as were many fans. Team sources say they had a good reason, though. “Spite,” said a front office source. “Pure spite.” While having a rarely-used, poor-hitting third catcher seems like an unnecessary luxury for a team that’s slumped mightily on offense without a healthy Byron Buxton, the source said other considerations were in play. “The writers and bloggers have been torching us about the bullpen for a whole year, and we finally fixed the stupid thing,” said the source. “Instead of a thank you, what do we get from them? Did we get a thanks? Nope. 800 words about why we aren’t calling up Walker Jenkins. Gelman and the Gooch [sic] did a whole podcast about it. So, yeah, you turds are getting Alex Jackson. We’d call him up twice if we could. [EXPLETIVE] you.” Jackson hasn’t been used since returning to the bigs, but the Twins put together a massive sweep of likely postseason contender Atlanta to stay in the Wild Card conversation. The front office source wanted to make sure everyone knows who gets the credit. “We don’t finish that sweep without old Al, that’s just a fact,” said the source. “His kind eyes and down-to-earth demeanor keep the clubhouse loose and inspired. And he never once said he was quote, ‘mystified,’ unquote about the front office’s decision-making.” With Ryan Jeffers healthy and Victor Caratini locked in as his backup, it seems unlikely that Jackson will see much playing time, barring injury. Even though rosters expand from 26 to 28 players on September 1, the source says anyone hoping to see Jenkins then will likely be disappointed. “Spite doesn’t go away,” said the source. “It festers. It metastasizes into something darker, malevolent. I’m only getting madder talking about this. All those guys can’t stand Tristan Gray. Guess who’s coming back. As for the 28th player… hmmm, maybe there’ll be a change of heart. Maybe we’d like to see what kind of pop one of those young bucks at Triple-A can do. “And even better, Matt Wallner is a hometown kid. Eat [EXPLETIVE], Gelman." View full article

Image courtesy of Summit Entertainment Hoping to build on both the goodwill generated by and fan response to this year’s Field of Dreams game, MLB announced that Saturday’s Twins/Phillies game would be played in Forks, Washington, home of the vampire baseball scene in the 2008 film Twilight. “Field of Dreams is a generational touchstone for so many baseball fans,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred. “And the same can be said for the story of Bella and her immortal vampire lover Edward in Twilight. The fact that a game of baseball is foundational to her acceptance into Edward’s family of fellow sparkly vampires makes this an ideal sequel to our game in Dyersville.” The game was originally slated to be played at Target Field. Anyone with tickets to the game will have them honored if they make the trek to the remote Washington town. “We understand it’s a bit of a haul from the Twin Cities to Forks,” said a source in the Commissioner’s office. “And there obviously aren’t any direct flights. What we’re hoping is that people will hop in the minivan for a fun weekend road trip with the family to share the beauty of baseball. I don’t really drive. Gas is still cheap, right?” When told that it’s actually quite expensive at this time and that there might be some age gap discourse given that Bella is 18 while Edward is 108, the source pointed out the window and said there was a beautiful baby bird. No such bird was observed, and when this reporter turned back around, the source was gone. Team sources say the Twins and Phillies will be wearing old-timey uniforms like the vampires do in the Twilight scene. The players will be allowed to add as much sparkly glitter to their skin as they are comfortable with. While many MLB greats replicate the Field of Dreams scene where legends enter the diamond from the adjacent corn field, It’s not known how they would be utilized in a Twilight-themed game. At least one Hall of Famer is skeptical. “Vampires are pretty scary,” said Twins great Joe Mauer. “And if they’re sparkly? No way, Jose. Real rough stuff.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/jpellgen For decades, there's been a vocal faction of Twins fans furious with the Pohlad family for not spending money on the team they own. It's waxed and waned over the years, with the payroll slashing of the last two seasons causing a spike in disgust. Now, with new Pohlad-in-charge Tom adding salary and making moves to better the squad, even dyed-in-the-wool Pohlad haters are tipping their caps. With this in mind, Twins Daily reached out to Jack Nyquist, the local man who claims to have invented the "Cheap Pohlads" talking point in the mid-'90s. And while he's still skeptical, it's clear that he's working to adjust to the new reality. "OK, so they're well under their payroll number from last season, and way under the one from the last playoff run," said Nyquist, dejectedly. "But even I can't get mad about it. They're actually trying. I can't believe I've gotta hand it to them. It's a real bummer." Nyquist, who bought 11 seats in the upper deck recently so he and his friends could wear T-shirts that spelled S-E-L-L-T-H-E-T-E-A-M when they all sat together, said he's been getting calls, texts, and email from his fellow haters about potential next steps. "Nobody knows what to do right now," said Nyquist, rubbing both index fingers against his temples. "They're doing the one thing cheap Pohlads don't do, and that's be not cheap. I just wish they'd given us some warning." Although Tom Pohlad has been vocal since spring training about his desire to help the team be competitive this year, Nyquist said he had no way of knowing he actually meant it. "Lucy told Charlie Brown he could kick the football so many times, man," said Nyquist. "He never got to kick it. The Pohlads spent money before he got to kick the football. Think about that. The world is upside down and I don't know what to do about it." When asked if the recent losing streak and the nebulous status of Joe Ryan and Byron Buxton might cause the Twins to regret their relative largesse at the trade deadline, not even Nyquist could reach for the anger he once so easily accessed. "Man, they've got (new reliever Jeff) Hoffman and (new starter Dean) Kremer for 2027, too," said the longtime Roseville resident. "They clearly plan to be competitive next year, too. I don't even know, man. Should I transition to being a 'Buxton won't play hurt' guy? I never thought I'd need to get a new bit. This stinks." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alexander Shatov As Twins Territory waits to see how the team approaches potential bullpen and rotation upgrades before Monday’s trade deadline, your dad once again was fooled by a fake MLB insider social media account. In a series of texts from Thursday afternoon, your dad made it clear he’d once again been tricked by a Twitter account pretending to be ESPN baseball analyst Jeff Passan. “tHAT [sic] ESPN goof with the big ears said Twins got Otani [sic],” read the first text. As you were busy at work, you didn’t respond immediately. Ten minutes later, a second text came in saying, “He said it was for Bukton [sic] straight up, you hearing this?” A brief check of social media and ESPN confirmed that no such deal was in the works, but a quick search of Twitter showed that an account called @jeffpa22an with 37 followers had posted the fake trade rumor on Thursday morning. You texted that this was a fake social media account, and further explained the move made no sense on account of Ohtani’s salary, Buxton’s injury, and a host of other reasons. “Are you sure? I saw it on my phone, and that passant [sic] is pretty reliable,” read your dad’s response. As you sighed loud enough for your co-worker Ashley to look over her cubicle wall to make sure you were OK, you repeated that it was a fake Jeff Passan account, similar to the fake Adam Schefter account that fooled your dad into thinking the Vikings were playing their home games in the Fargodome this year because of structural flaws at US Bank Stadium. “OK,” read your dad’s response. “I guess the cheap Pohlands [sic] wouldn’t of made that deal anyways. LOL.” You set your phone down, went back to work, and remembered that time your mom gave the phone scammer her social security and checking account routing numbers. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Devin Topkin Last Friday, I wrote that Twins fans should embrace their unlikely playoff contention status. Discard the default Minnesota fatalism, don't let stingy ownership spoil the fun, and just enjoy the prospect of competitive baseball for as long as it lasts. So, about that. As the Twins kept getting their brains beat in by the Cubs and then the Guardians, and those playoff odds kept diminishing loss by ugly loss, I tried to maintain some faith. Which is real hard to do when your All-Star starter gives up a gazillion homers in one game to a team that never hits home runs. Wednesday's blowout helped a bit. "You know, if you take out that losing streak where they were outscored 34-9, things don't look that bad," I said to an empty room. Then they got Gavin Williams'ed on Thursday afternoon. As I prepared to write my apology for being a dumb idiot whose mother dresses him funny, however, these goofballs clawed their way to an improbable 3-1 win in 12 excruciating innings. I exhaled, shook my head, and walked around the block. Basically, if you decided to do the tired "same old Twins, same old Minnesota sports" routine, you would still look pretty smart right now (see above, 34-9). That 4-game losing streak made a strong case for parting ways with some veterans and adding some prospects to a promising young core. They looked nothing like the team that had been respectable for a month-plus, which in the American League makes you look like the '27 Yankees this season. But they stole a split on the road against Cleveland. They have some truly dreadful teams coming to Target Field, in the Athletics and Royals. If you choose to maintain some optimism, I will join you. 4-2 feels like the bare minimum for a 6-game homestand. Is it likely? Who knows! But I've got nothing better to do than see what happens. It's too hot to start worrying about the Vikings, anyway. In summation, I still believe because it's more fun that way. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash The facts are the facts. The Minnesota Twins are a legitimate playoff contender. It's weird to read those words about this team. I'm uncomfortable writing them. I'm aware of the flaws. I'm aware the American League is a dumpy little college bar--everyone agrees it sucks and the bathrooms don't work, but the specials are amazing for those who can't afford anything better. (For the purposes of this metaphor, the specials are the Wild Card spots.) This might give you pause. Indeed, it's easy to lapse into Minnesota sports fatalism. It's our reflex position, our muscle memory. They're NOT EVEN .500. In 16 games, they could go 4-12, and Joe Ryan could be a Dodger. Or they could go 10-6, and the Pohlads might say "Uh, we just don't have the money, guys. Sorry about that. We just traded Josh Bell for a Toyota." They're both possible outcomes! But I'm not going to do that. Nor should you. That feeling you're feeling—that I'm feeling, too—is optimism. There is a non-zero chance that this team could make the playoffs. They might even win the division, because if the AL is a dumpy college bar, the AL Central is a dumpy college bar with a kitchen that makes you sick every time you order something that isn't tater tots. And it's in Cleveland, even though you went to school in Moorhead. It's such an unlikely place to land after last year's trade deadline slaughter and the slumbering offseason. None of this should be happening. One of their most critical players is a nepo baby journeyman! You're caught off-guard and don't really know what to do with your hands. Here's what I recommend: Hug this feeling tight to your chest, because you deserve this. You're still following this team, despite ownership not loving it nearly as much as you do. Know going into the next 2-3 weeks that they could break your heart one more time. Accept that, even in the best-case scenario, they'll probably get wiped out in a short, ugly playoff series. But they might not. Think about how wild that is, after all the nonsense you put up with. That's optimism. It doesn't last. It never does. Why not ****ing enjoy it? View full article