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RandBalls Stu

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  1. “Millennials, Gen X, and Zoomers love Markie Post, and we intend to meet them where they’re at,” said St. Peter. Image courtesy of Flickr/Verndogs The Minnesota Twins announced plans to revamp their uniforms and Target Field this offseason, including a massive upgrade to their outfield scoreboard. Just don’t expect it to be all about baseball. “Our marketing team, along with trusted advisers, says that our fans want to watch the antics and hijinks of NBC’s Night Court,” said Dave St. Peter, Minnesota’s President and CEO. “It’s the right call.” Night Court, a sitcom set in a New York City courtroom, ran from 1984-92 on NBC. No one over the age of 35 knows what it is, but the team is confident it will appeal to all ages more than batting averages or scoreboard updates. The new scoreboard will show a constant stream of reruns at the expense of highlights, statistics, and game updates. “The research is thorough and grounded in fact,” said St. Peter. “The zany antics of Judge Harry Stone, D.A. Dan Fielding, and Bull the loveable bailiff have cross-generational appeal. Millennials, Gen X, and Zoomers love Markie Post, and we intend to meet them where they’re at. If they want to know the score, the game is literally right in front of them. That’s not our problem.” One problem is the fact that the sitcom was filmed before the age of high definition, and the resolution of the images has been described as “a nightmare come to life, but covered in cataracts” by a source close to the situation. St. Peter brushes off these concerns. “The average age of our season ticket holders is 77,” said St. Peter. “They’ll just think they need to put their readers on. And you don’t need 20/20 vision to appreciate the gentle yet ribald humor of the wackiest municipal court in Manhattan!” Image license here. View full article
  2. The Minnesota Twins announced plans to revamp their uniforms and Target Field this offseason, including a massive upgrade to their outfield scoreboard. Just don’t expect it to be all about baseball. “Our marketing team, along with trusted advisers, says that our fans want to watch the antics and hijinks of NBC’s Night Court,” said Dave St. Peter, Minnesota’s President and CEO. “It’s the right call.” Night Court, a sitcom set in a New York City courtroom, ran from 1984-92 on NBC. No one over the age of 35 knows what it is, but the team is confident it will appeal to all ages more than batting averages or scoreboard updates. The new scoreboard will show a constant stream of reruns at the expense of highlights, statistics, and game updates. “The research is thorough and grounded in fact,” said St. Peter. “The zany antics of Judge Harry Stone, D.A. Dan Fielding, and Bull the loveable bailiff have cross-generational appeal. Millennials, Gen X, and Zoomers love Markie Post, and we intend to meet them where they’re at. If they want to know the score, the game is literally right in front of them. That’s not our problem.” One problem is the fact that the sitcom was filmed before the age of high definition, and the resolution of the images has been described as “a nightmare come to life, but covered in cataracts” by a source close to the situation. St. Peter brushes off these concerns. “The average age of our season ticket holders is 77,” said St. Peter. “They’ll just think they need to put their readers on. And you don’t need 20/20 vision to appreciate the gentle yet ribald humor of the wackiest municipal court in Manhattan!” Image license here.
  3. As a fan, you have rights. You’ve been injured. Someone is responsible. Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports Minnesota sports fans had to endure a long, 5-game weekend of dreadful Twins baseball, one that essentially zapped the squad's dwindling playoff hopes. After Monday afternoon’s 11-4 beatdown, anyone seeking solace from the Minnesota Vikings were met with a humiliating 24-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday Night Football. Now, some local attorneys are fighting back. “It’s outrageous that we just let the billionaires of Major League Baseball and National Football League schedule these games on the same day,” said Jacob Moynahan, a junior partner at Frederickson & Byron. “The foreseeable emotional damage this day would impart on innocent taxpayers and their guileless, doe-eyed children was avoidable. They simply chose to ignore it.” Meyer is just one of the lawyers filing a class-action lawsuit against MLB, the NFL, Bally Sports North, and ESPN on behalf of Twins fans, Vikings fans, and anyone who was at a Buffalo Wild Wings for Boneless Wing Mondays and was exposed to the broadcasts. “The Twins going into Cleveland with their season on the line is traditionally a bad idea,” said Robin Sherman, an attorney with Faegre Drinker. “The names ‘Ron Davis’ and ‘Jamie Quirk’ are burned into our collective memory, the trauma passed down from generation to generation.” “You send the baseball team to Cleveland in mid-September,” said Moynahan. “Then you add Monday Night Kirk (a reference to Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins, whose performance in nationally televised games is often compared to watching your first childhood pet die from loneliness) to the mix? Malice. Negligence. High crimes.” Sherman says they’re seeking damages in the millions of dollars. “They say you can’t put a price tag on suffering,” said Sherman. “They also say the AL Central was an easy division to win, or that the Vikings turned a corner after whipping the Packers in Week 1. They say a lot of things. We demand compensation. We demand to be heard. We demand a Monday where we can watch Wheel of Fortune and get a good night’s sleep, where the sadness won’t find us.” MLB, the NFL, the Twins, and the Vikings did not return calls seeking comment. View full article
  4. Minnesota sports fans had to endure a long, 5-game weekend of dreadful Twins baseball, one that essentially zapped the squad's dwindling playoff hopes. After Monday afternoon’s 11-4 beatdown, anyone seeking solace from the Minnesota Vikings were met with a humiliating 24-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday Night Football. Now, some local attorneys are fighting back. “It’s outrageous that we just let the billionaires of Major League Baseball and National Football League schedule these games on the same day,” said Jacob Moynahan, a junior partner at Frederickson & Byron. “The foreseeable emotional damage this day would impart on innocent taxpayers and their guileless, doe-eyed children was avoidable. They simply chose to ignore it.” Meyer is just one of the lawyers filing a class-action lawsuit against MLB, the NFL, Bally Sports North, and ESPN on behalf of Twins fans, Vikings fans, and anyone who was at a Buffalo Wild Wings for Boneless Wing Mondays and was exposed to the broadcasts. “The Twins going into Cleveland with their season on the line is traditionally a bad idea,” said Robin Sherman, an attorney with Faegre Drinker. “The names ‘Ron Davis’ and ‘Jamie Quirk’ are burned into our collective memory, the trauma passed down from generation to generation.” “You send the baseball team to Cleveland in mid-September,” said Moynahan. “Then you add Monday Night Kirk (a reference to Minnesota quarterback Kirk Cousins, whose performance in nationally televised games is often compared to watching your first childhood pet die from loneliness) to the mix? Malice. Negligence. High crimes.” Sherman says they’re seeking damages in the millions of dollars. “They say you can’t put a price tag on suffering,” said Sherman. “They also say the AL Central was an easy division to win, or that the Vikings turned a corner after whipping the Packers in Week 1. They say a lot of things. We demand compensation. We demand to be heard. We demand a Monday where we can watch Wheel of Fortune and get a good night’s sleep, where the sadness won’t find us.” MLB, the NFL, the Twins, and the Vikings did not return calls seeking comment.
  5. Twins Daily correspondent RandBall's Stu went to a concert in Minneapolis on Wednesday. So did Twins legend Joe Mauer. This is his story. Image courtesy of David Berding-USA TODAY Sports My day job is copywriting for a local independent regional craft brewery. That brewery also hosts concerts in its backyard, often featuring popular recording artists from around the world. Occasionally, those shows attract local and even national celebrities. On Wednesday, popular Sad Dad favorites The National played a killer show there. (If you’ve never heard of them, that’s fine, but just know that Taylor Swift has). As I wandered around the grounds, one of my friends said, “Hey, Joe Mauer is here.” I didn’t believe them. I guess I don't really know what Joe Mauer's musical tastes are, other than "What You Know" being his walk-up music for 100 years. Then a local journalist mentioned that he chatted with Mauer and his wife for a bit. Given that he covers baseball for his job, I took him at his word. And sure enough, standing there just to my right and towards the front of the stage? Joe Mauer, Cretin-Derham Hall Class of 2001. These are my observations. He’s tall! You know how some athletes look “normal” on TV because they’re surrounded by absolute leviathans? Joe Mauer is crazy tall! He was wearing a baseball cap. On brand! That’s what he wore at his old job! He did the classic “dad at a rock concert head nod,” for when you’re not going to throw horns or dance, but still want to rock out a little bit without making a scene. Reliable sources tell me his wife is a huge fan of The National and indie rock/alternative in general. I share those interests, which gives me the wild hope that I’ll run into the Mauers at the McLusky show at the Turf Club in December so we can shout along to “Reformed Arsonist Seeks Child Bride.” I didn’t bother him to say hi or buy him a beer. Let the guy enjoy retirement and go to shows. I also remember how much his last contract was worth thanks to years of numbskulls getting mad at him on talk radio and god’s own internet for hitting singles and making $23 million per year. He probably doesn’t need a Furious on the house. That said, Joe, if you’re reading this and want some IPAs, let me know. Perkins has my phone number. There’s no way Joe Mauer is reading this. This also means I didn’t ask him about Rocco pulling Joe Ryan during a no-hit bid. Had I done this, I hope someone reading this would have the decency to beat me to death with a shovel. The last time I saw him in person was the game where he got the concussion that ended his catching career. This was a better day! This was the most famous person I’ve seen at work since Woody Harrelson attended a Gary Clark, Jr. show while in town filming a movie. Apologies to Jason DeRusha, who I think is a very kind man but he wasn't on Cheers. View full article
  6. My day job is copywriting for a local independent regional craft brewery. That brewery also hosts concerts in its backyard, often featuring popular recording artists from around the world. Occasionally, those shows attract local and even national celebrities. On Wednesday, popular Sad Dad favorites The National played a killer show there. (If you’ve never heard of them, that’s fine, but just know that Taylor Swift has). As I wandered around the grounds, one of my friends said, “Hey, Joe Mauer is here.” I didn’t believe them. I guess I don't really know what Joe Mauer's musical tastes are, other than "What You Know" being his walk-up music for 100 years. Then a local journalist mentioned that he chatted with Mauer and his wife for a bit. Given that he covers baseball for his job, I took him at his word. And sure enough, standing there just to my right and towards the front of the stage? Joe Mauer, Cretin-Derham Hall Class of 2001. These are my observations. He’s tall! You know how some athletes look “normal” on TV because they’re surrounded by absolute leviathans? Joe Mauer is crazy tall! He was wearing a baseball cap. On brand! That’s what he wore at his old job! He did the classic “dad at a rock concert head nod,” for when you’re not going to throw horns or dance, but still want to rock out a little bit without making a scene. Reliable sources tell me his wife is a huge fan of The National and indie rock/alternative in general. I share those interests, which gives me the wild hope that I’ll run into the Mauers at the McLusky show at the Turf Club in December so we can shout along to “Reformed Arsonist Seeks Child Bride.” I didn’t bother him to say hi or buy him a beer. Let the guy enjoy retirement and go to shows. I also remember how much his last contract was worth thanks to years of numbskulls getting mad at him on talk radio and god’s own internet for hitting singles and making $23 million per year. He probably doesn’t need a Furious on the house. That said, Joe, if you’re reading this and want some IPAs, let me know. Perkins has my phone number. There’s no way Joe Mauer is reading this. This also means I didn’t ask him about Rocco pulling Joe Ryan during a no-hit bid. Had I done this, I hope someone reading this would have the decency to beat me to death with a shovel. The last time I saw him in person was the game where he got the concussion that ended his catching career. This was a better day! This was the most famous person I’ve seen at work since Woody Harrelson attended a Gary Clark, Jr. show while in town filming a movie. Apologies to Jason DeRusha, who I think is a very kind man but he wasn't on Cheers.
  7. As the world mourns the loss of England’s long-time monarch, Twins Daily reached out to current and former Minnesota Twins for their thoughts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ferdinand Stohr TOM KELLY (MANAGER, 1986-2001): Just a great gal. Broke out of the gate quickly, lightning fast down the stretch, amazing haunches. So powerful. Always left the track in a good mood when she ran. [INFORMED THAT THIS IS NOT QUEEN ELIZABETH II, THE GREYHOUND KELLY WAGERED ON AT ST. CROIX MEADOWS, BUT RATHER THE HUMAN WOMAN] Oh. Well, that’s a shame. What country? EMILIO PAGAN (PITCHER, 2022): I was fortunate enough to meet her on a visit to Great Britain in 2018. I even threw her a baseball for a photo op. She hit it 440 feet. I tip my cap to her. ANDRELTON SIMMONS (SHORTSTOP, 2021): 96-year-old woman dies after getting the COVID vaccine? Coincidence? Yeah, right. JOE MAUER (CATCHER, 2004-2018): Wow. Pretty big deal. NICK PUNTO (INFIELDER, 2004-10): I slid headfirst into Buckingham Palace once. Guards got all bent out of shape about it and I’m like, “Hey, hustling doesn’t stop at the water’s edge, muchacho.” Anyway, that’s the only other time I had to fight extradition for wanting it more. RIP get money. JUSTIN MORNEAU (FIRST BASE, 2003-16): As a Canadian, this means one thing: I must take up arms for the crown. If (Glen) Perkins or (Dick) Bremer get in my way, so be it. GLEN PERKINS (PITCHER, 2006-2017): You know, it’s a complicated legacy. I th—wait a minute, what is (Justin} Morneau doing with…is that a musket? DICK BREMER (TWINS PLAY-BY-PLAY, 1983-PRESENT): That’s a musket. Take cover, Glen. Fortunately, I’ve been to a St. Cloud State Homecoming or two in my day. [LIGHTS MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, HEAVES FLAMING COUCH AT POLITE YET FERAL SASKATOON HORDE] BRAD RADKE (PITCHER, 1995-2006): I don’t think she was much of a fisherman, right? BYRON BUXTON (OUTFIELDER, 2015-PRESENT): England is a country where I’ve never had a devastating injury. Liz is good by me. ROCCO BALDELLI (MANAGER, 2019-PRESENT): Was following Phish around the country in 2015, just chill vibes for days. They played Alpine Valley and on night 1, the minute they kicked into “Tweezer,” who gets up on stage but the Queen herself? Just started jamming with Trey, couldn’t believe my eyes. Everyone says I was “feeling the effects” so to speak and there’s no video evidence, but I know what I saw. Her Majesty could shred. DAN GLADDEN (OUTFIELDER, 1987-1991; RADIO ANNOUNCER 2000-PRESENT): America fought a damn war for me not to care about this. I tell you what though, if the Queen came out to the farm and helped me move some earth, lay some sod, get her hands dirty, and maybe punch that egg-sucking bastard Steve Lombardozzi right in the solar plexus, I’d pay my respects. Image license here. View full article
  8. TOM KELLY (MANAGER, 1986-2001): Just a great gal. Broke out of the gate quickly, lightning fast down the stretch, amazing haunches. So powerful. Always left the track in a good mood when she ran. [INFORMED THAT THIS IS NOT QUEEN ELIZABETH II, THE GREYHOUND KELLY WAGERED ON AT ST. CROIX MEADOWS, BUT RATHER THE HUMAN WOMAN] Oh. Well, that’s a shame. What country? EMILIO PAGAN (PITCHER, 2022): I was fortunate enough to meet her on a visit to Great Britain in 2018. I even threw her a baseball for a photo op. She hit it 440 feet. I tip my cap to her. ANDRELTON SIMMONS (SHORTSTOP, 2021): 96-year-old woman dies after getting the COVID vaccine? Coincidence? Yeah, right. JOE MAUER (CATCHER, 2004-2018): Wow. Pretty big deal. NICK PUNTO (INFIELDER, 2004-10): I slid headfirst into Buckingham Palace once. Guards got all bent out of shape about it and I’m like, “Hey, hustling doesn’t stop at the water’s edge, muchacho.” Anyway, that’s the only other time I had to fight extradition for wanting it more. RIP get money. JUSTIN MORNEAU (FIRST BASE, 2003-16): As a Canadian, this means one thing: I must take up arms for the crown. If (Glen) Perkins or (Dick) Bremer get in my way, so be it. GLEN PERKINS (PITCHER, 2006-2017): You know, it’s a complicated legacy. I th—wait a minute, what is (Justin} Morneau doing with…is that a musket? DICK BREMER (TWINS PLAY-BY-PLAY, 1983-PRESENT): That’s a musket. Take cover, Glen. Fortunately, I’ve been to a St. Cloud State Homecoming or two in my day. [LIGHTS MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, HEAVES FLAMING COUCH AT POLITE YET FERAL SASKATOON HORDE] BRAD RADKE (PITCHER, 1995-2006): I don’t think she was much of a fisherman, right? BYRON BUXTON (OUTFIELDER, 2015-PRESENT): England is a country where I’ve never had a devastating injury. Liz is good by me. ROCCO BALDELLI (MANAGER, 2019-PRESENT): Was following Phish around the country in 2015, just chill vibes for days. They played Alpine Valley and on night 1, the minute they kicked into “Tweezer,” who gets up on stage but the Queen herself? Just started jamming with Trey, couldn’t believe my eyes. Everyone says I was “feeling the effects” so to speak and there’s no video evidence, but I know what I saw. Her Majesty could shred. DAN GLADDEN (OUTFIELDER, 1987-1991; RADIO ANNOUNCER 2000-PRESENT): America fought a damn war for me not to care about this. I tell you what though, if the Queen came out to the farm and helped me move some earth, lay some sod, get her hands dirty, and maybe punch that egg-sucking bastard Steve Lombardozzi right in the solar plexus, I’d pay my respects. Image license here.
  9. NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe! Joe Mauer Reviews Minnesota State Fair Attractions “I don’t really like spicy food, but it’s cool what they do with butter.” NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe! Hey guys, it’s Joe Mauer from St. Paul. Like a lot of you I love going to the State Fair. If you’re new to Minnesota or haven’t gone in a while, here are some cool things to do. THE GIANT SLIDE A lot of you probably saw that picture of me and the kids on the Giant Slide last week. It was a pretty cool deal, but I made sure we hopped on right when we got there, before eating any of the food. When I was a kid, Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) got on it after eating a bunch of Fresh French Fries and he got a stomachache. We had to leave early so he wouldn’t barf. Mom was so steamed. THE BUTTER SCULPTURE I don’t really like spicy food or carving things (“Knives are the devil’s middle finger,” Mom says), but it’s cool what they do with butter. SWEET MARTHA’S COOKIES They give you a whole bucket of chocolate chip cookies! Las Vegas is supposed to be this cool, anything-goes city but I’ve been there, and guess what? No cookie bucket. What happens in Falcon Heights stays in Falcon Heights. THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE Went in here with (former Twins player and coach) Scott Ullger one time. Said one of the monarchs disrespected him. The next day he waved Jason Kubel home even though the shortstop had the ball. I don’t want to talk about it. THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH CENTER Mom doesn’t let us go in here but I’ve heard it’s pretty wild! 4-H BARN Lotta cute animals if that’s your thing. It smells kinda like that one time Corey Koskie ate Indian food in Fort Myers, so just know that going in. Pretty strong! THE HAUNTED HOUSE Not a chance! THE MIDWAY I keep winning all the big prizes at the throwing games and the carnies get mad at me. Also if anyone wants 17 giant stuffed tigers shoot me a DM. ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons. PRONTO PUPS You guys know I’m not a guy who’s going to do a bunch of hot takes, but I’m just going to say it: Pronto pups are the real deal. Lotta pals love corn dogs, Glen Perkins says they’re “the glizzy” and I’m pretty sure that’s a Stillwater swear. For me, though? A pronto pup with just a bit of ketchup. Too much of the big red will get you antsy in the pantsy. Go easy. Thanks for reading! Image license here. View full article
  10. Joe Mauer Reviews Minnesota State Fair Attractions “I don’t really like spicy food, but it’s cool what they do with butter.” NOTE: RandBall’s Stu is moving his youngest child to college this weekend. He asked former Twins great Joe Mauer to step in and write about the great Minnesota get-together. Thanks for helping out, Joe! Hey guys, it’s Joe Mauer from St. Paul. Like a lot of you I love going to the State Fair. If you’re new to Minnesota or haven’t gone in a while, here are some cool things to do. THE GIANT SLIDE A lot of you probably saw that picture of me and the kids on the Giant Slide last week. It was a pretty cool deal, but I made sure we hopped on right when we got there, before eating any of the food. When I was a kid, Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) got on it after eating a bunch of Fresh French Fries and he got a stomachache. We had to leave early so he wouldn’t barf. Mom was so steamed. THE BUTTER SCULPTURE I don’t really like spicy food or carving things (“Knives are the devil’s middle finger,” Mom says), but it’s cool what they do with butter. SWEET MARTHA’S COOKIES They give you a whole bucket of chocolate chip cookies! Las Vegas is supposed to be this cool, anything-goes city but I’ve been there, and guess what? No cookie bucket. What happens in Falcon Heights stays in Falcon Heights. THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE Went in here with (former Twins player and coach) Scott Ullger one time. Said one of the monarchs disrespected him. The next day he waved Jason Kubel home even though the shortstop had the ball. I don’t want to talk about it. THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH CENTER Mom doesn’t let us go in here but I’ve heard it’s pretty wild! 4-H BARN Lotta cute animals if that’s your thing. It smells kinda like that one time Corey Koskie ate Indian food in Fort Myers, so just know that going in. Pretty strong! THE HAUNTED HOUSE Not a chance! THE MIDWAY I keep winning all the big prizes at the throwing games and the carnies get mad at me. Also if anyone wants 17 giant stuffed tigers shoot me a DM. ALL YOU CAN DRINK MILK Holy cow! LOL, pun intended. Brother, you can sit me down there all day with a cold glass of 1% and keep them coming! Everyone there calls me “Norm.” I don’t correct them, figure they have their reasons. PRONTO PUPS You guys know I’m not a guy who’s going to do a bunch of hot takes, but I’m just going to say it: Pronto pups are the real deal. Lotta pals love corn dogs, Glen Perkins says they’re “the glizzy” and I’m pretty sure that’s a Stillwater swear. For me, though? A pronto pup with just a bit of ketchup. Too much of the big red will get you antsy in the pantsy. Go easy. Thanks for reading! Image license here.
  11. “The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie.” The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising. “Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins. This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass. It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton. “All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken. “The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.” “We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps. “The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.” Image license here. View full article
  12. The Minnesota Twins have done an admirable job getting as much use out of Byron Buxton in 2022 as possible, even leading the star centerfielder to an All-Star berth. Still, with injuries continuing to pile up, the team sought a second opinion after Buxton’s recent trip to the IL. The results aren’t pretty, but they aren't surprising. “Byron Buxton has adult-onset Evel Knievelism,” said Dr. Nicole Baumhardt, a physician at Johns Hopkins. This incredibly rare condition usually affects only those who jump motorcycles over things and plummet to the unforgiving asphalt, or people who’ve appeared on more than one season of MTV’s Jackass. It's named after Robert Craig “Evel” Knievel, a popular stuntman from the 1960s and ‘70s. He’s perhaps best known for failing to land a sick jump over the Caesars Palace fountains in Las Vegas, breaking his pelvis, femur, hip, wrist, and both ankles. Baumhardt says she wishes this was all that was hurting Buxton. “All of Byron’s bones are broken,” said Baumhardt. “In addition, he has extra bones that the human body isn’t supposed to have, bones we’ve never seen. Those are also broken. “The ligaments that aren’t torn are ruptured. The ligaments that aren’t ruptured are torn. He has diseases that were only on episodes of Little House on the Prairie. We put him in an iron lung and the iron lung fell down a very long flight of stairs with him in it, rebreaking his broken bones harder. We placed him in a full body cast and there is now a wasps’ nest under his right arm, leading to very painful welts. He has COVID-20. You don’t even want to know what that is.” “We’ll continue managing (Byron’s) rest,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “He’s going to need a day off here and there, but we still hope he can contribute to our playoff drive. The league says his body cast is technically a uniform if we put a name and number on it, which helps. “The tough part is that he just got into the trainer’s room and a piano fell on him. We don’t know how a piano ended up in there, but it just up and tipped over on him, rebreaking the rebroken bones that were already broken. He might be a go on Sunday, but we’ll have to wait and see how he responds to treatment or if any other large, heavy objects smash his unique slurry of bone and muscle yet again. Until then, our other guys have to step up.” Image license here.
  13. New Twins starting pitcher exits game before new dad Kevin can try his best, reports middle schooler. Connor Landry, 12, was excited about Minnesota’s flurry of trade deadline activity. “They looked like they were really trying,” said the Eagan 7th-grader. “They got bullpen guys! They got Tyler Mahle! And now he’s already hurt.” The latter incident means Connor’s stepdad, Kevin, still doesn’t have the baseline awareness of the updated roster to mispronounce Mahle’s last name. “He tries really hard to relate to me about the Twins but it’s pretty bad,” said Connor. “He called Jorge Polanco ‘Georgy Pelicans’ when we went to Applebee’s and said Bill Ripke was his favorite pitcher growing up. He wasn’t even drinking.” Kevin, who works at either a bank or a gym, married Connor’s mom last year and has been clearly trying to find ways to relate to his new stepson with mixed results. “It was cool that he took us to the Mall of America and paid for all the rides,” said Connor. “But then he took me to a St. Paul Saints game and asked if they ever played against the Twins. Then he asked if they had a robust TikTok presence. Who does that?” Connor speculates that Kevin, who won’t shut up about bitcoin, would have called the former Cincinnati Reds hurler “Kelvin muh-LAY.” “Then he’d probably say he liked the move but that they should have traded Milo Pagen for Juan Solo.” With his birthday approaching, Connor worries that he’s going to get tickets to Target Field. “I’d love to go to a game again, but he said he wants to show me the whole North Loop experience and hit up Billy Sushi for mocktails,” said Connor. “I don’t even know what any of that means. I just want a phone.” View full article
  14. Connor Landry, 12, was excited about Minnesota’s flurry of trade deadline activity. “They looked like they were really trying,” said the Eagan 7th-grader. “They got bullpen guys! They got Tyler Mahle! And now he’s already hurt.” The latter incident means Connor’s stepdad, Kevin, still doesn’t have the baseline awareness of the updated roster to mispronounce Mahle’s last name. “He tries really hard to relate to me about the Twins but it’s pretty bad,” said Connor. “He called Jorge Polanco ‘Georgy Pelicans’ when we went to Applebee’s and said Bill Ripke was his favorite pitcher growing up. He wasn’t even drinking.” Kevin, who works at either a bank or a gym, married Connor’s mom last year and has been clearly trying to find ways to relate to his new stepson with mixed results. “It was cool that he took us to the Mall of America and paid for all the rides,” said Connor. “But then he took me to a St. Paul Saints game and asked if they ever played against the Twins. Then he asked if they had a robust TikTok presence. Who does that?” Connor speculates that Kevin, who won’t shut up about bitcoin, would have called the former Cincinnati Reds hurler “Kelvin muh-LAY.” “Then he’d probably say he liked the move but that they should have traded Milo Pagen for Juan Solo.” With his birthday approaching, Connor worries that he’s going to get tickets to Target Field. “I’d love to go to a game again, but he said he wants to show me the whole North Loop experience and hit up Billy Sushi for mocktails,” said Connor. “I don’t even know what any of that means. I just want a phone.”
  15. "It's just a matter of grinding it out," said the lifelong Twins fan, who apparently is just going to wear that bathrobe all day. As the Minnesota Twins closely monitor the condition of Byron Buxton’s knee, at least one fan thinks the whole situation has gone too far. “There’s a difference between hurt and injured, and sometimes you have to play hurt,” said Charlie Johnsrud, 54, a real slob. “I think the Twins know this, but they’re coddling him a little bit.” The Bloomington-based call center manager, who has called in sick to work because of a hangover twice in the last three months, claims it’s unusual for a team’s superstar to take so many days off. “I just think, given the financial commitment the team made to him, that he has to put his big boy pants on,” said the twice-divorced goon, who has a pair of sweatpants he calls “my going-out ones.” Johnsrud, who would drink the dipping sauce from Raising Cane’s out of a pint glass if people would just be cool about it, thinks Buxton’s patellar tendinitis is as mental as it is physical. “He’s had a ton of injuries in his career, so he’s probably paranoid,” said Johnsrud, whose unused Lifetime Fitness membership is entering its fourth year. “He needs to get out of his head and onto the field, just saying.” With the team out of first place for the first time in months, he thinks the urgency of the moment demands action. “When I threw out my back, I still had to go to work,” said Johnsrud, who actually took two weeks off to recuperate after his cat scared him while he was on the toilet. “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. They need all hands on deck.” Johnsrud, who attacks a Culver’s ButterBurger with a ferocity not usually seen outside the animal kingdom, still considers himself a Buxton fan. “I love the guy, I even bought a Buxton jersey last year. When he’s healthy he’s a beast.” Johnsrud could not confirm if the significant stain on the jersey was ketchup or spaghetti sauce, but agreed that it looks like Germany. View full article
  16. As the Minnesota Twins closely monitor the condition of Byron Buxton’s knee, at least one fan thinks the whole situation has gone too far. “There’s a difference between hurt and injured, and sometimes you have to play hurt,” said Charlie Johnsrud, 54, a real slob. “I think the Twins know this, but they’re coddling him a little bit.” The Bloomington-based call center manager, who has called in sick to work because of a hangover twice in the last three months, claims it’s unusual for a team’s superstar to take so many days off. “I just think, given the financial commitment the team made to him, that he has to put his big boy pants on,” said the twice-divorced goon, who has a pair of sweatpants he calls “my going-out ones.” Johnsrud, who would drink the dipping sauce from Raising Cane’s out of a pint glass if people would just be cool about it, thinks Buxton’s patellar tendinitis is as mental as it is physical. “He’s had a ton of injuries in his career, so he’s probably paranoid,” said Johnsrud, whose unused Lifetime Fitness membership is entering its fourth year. “He needs to get out of his head and onto the field, just saying.” With the team out of first place for the first time in months, he thinks the urgency of the moment demands action. “When I threw out my back, I still had to go to work,” said Johnsrud, who actually took two weeks off to recuperate after his cat scared him while he was on the toilet. “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. They need all hands on deck.” Johnsrud, who attacks a Culver’s ButterBurger with a ferocity not usually seen outside the animal kingdom, still considers himself a Buxton fan. “I love the guy, I even bought a Buxton jersey last year. When he’s healthy he’s a beast.” Johnsrud could not confirm if the significant stain on the jersey was ketchup or spaghetti sauce, but agreed that it looks like Germany.
  17. Minnesota shored up its rotation and battered bullpen in front of the 2022 MLB trade deadline to near-universal acclaim from local and national media. With the team’s obvious needs met at the cost of a handful of good prospects, local fans are left wondering what happened. “That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works,” said Bruce Johnstone, a retired teacher from Alexandria. “You need to be like (former Vikings GM) Rick Spielman and draft quarterbacks who can’t throw or just forget to sign offensive linemen. Then you keep the job for 15 years. There are rules.” The Twins acquired frontline starter Tyler Mahle from the Reds, closer Jorge Lopez from the Orioles, and setup man Michael Fulmer from the Tigers. The troubling display of attention to roster shortcomings makes Johnstone wonder when the next shoe will drop. “When you’re the Twins, you sign the deflated shell of Bret Boone or pretend Matt Shoemaker just needs a few adjustments,” said the 66-year-old. “Getting the right people at a manageable cost feels like a thing that the Yankees or Red Sox do while we trade for Sidney Ponson. Something isn’t right. I want some answers.” Brenda Perkins, a diehard Twins and Minnesota Wild fan, agrees. “If you’re a GM, the thing you do is sign veterans to these giant [REDACTED] millstone contracts,” said the 35-year-old Plymouth native. “Put them on the payroll until they’re 58, watch their skills degrade in real-time, and destroy your salary cap for a couple decades. Reasonable moves made to help bolster a pennant run without mortgaging the future? What are we even doing here?” It’s not just fans. Aaron Gleeman, Twins beat writer for The Athletic and celebrity spokesperson for Scribe’s Choice Neck Fan Solutions, LLC, says he is as surprised as anyone. “This is out of the ordinary, to say the least,” said Gleeman. “It’s usually tweaks or sell-offs. I think a lot of us are using code SURPRISE to get 30% off a 1-year subscription to The Athletic. It’s remarkable.” For his part, Johnstone is keeping it all in perspective. “Two of those guys will need Tommy John before Labor Day. A piano will fall on Byron Buxton. Spencer Steer is the next Mike Trout. The alternative is too bizarre to contemplate: a Minnesota team made a series of shrewd acquisitions to improve their playoff chances. Yeah, right.”
  18. “This feels like a thing that New York and Boston teams do while the rest of us trade for Sidney Ponson. Something isn’t right.” Minnesota shored up its rotation and battered bullpen in front of the 2022 MLB trade deadline to near-universal acclaim from local and national media. With the team’s obvious needs met at the cost of a handful of good prospects, local fans are left wondering what happened. “That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works,” said Bruce Johnstone, a retired teacher from Alexandria. “You need to be like (former Vikings GM) Rick Spielman and draft quarterbacks who can’t throw or just forget to sign offensive linemen. Then you keep the job for 15 years. There are rules.” The Twins acquired frontline starter Tyler Mahle from the Reds, closer Jorge Lopez from the Orioles, and setup man Michael Fulmer from the Tigers. The troubling display of attention to roster shortcomings makes Johnstone wonder when the next shoe will drop. “When you’re the Twins, you sign the deflated shell of Bret Boone or pretend Matt Shoemaker just needs a few adjustments,” said the 66-year-old. “Getting the right people at a manageable cost feels like a thing that the Yankees or Red Sox do while we trade for Sidney Ponson. Something isn’t right. I want some answers.” Brenda Perkins, a diehard Twins and Minnesota Wild fan, agrees. “If you’re a GM, the thing you do is sign veterans to these giant [REDACTED] millstone contracts,” said the 35-year-old Plymouth native. “Put them on the payroll until they’re 58, watch their skills degrade in real-time, and destroy your salary cap for a couple decades. Reasonable moves made to help bolster a pennant run without mortgaging the future? What are we even doing here?” It’s not just fans. Aaron Gleeman, Twins beat writer for The Athletic and celebrity spokesperson for Scribe’s Choice Neck Fan Solutions, LLC, says he is as surprised as anyone. “This is out of the ordinary, to say the least,” said Gleeman. “It’s usually tweaks or sell-offs. I think a lot of us are using code SURPRISE to get 30% off a 1-year subscription to The Athletic. It’s remarkable.” For his part, Johnstone is keeping it all in perspective. “Two of those guys will need Tommy John before Labor Day. A piano will fall on Byron Buxton. Spencer Steer is the next Mike Trout. The alternative is too bizarre to contemplate: a Minnesota team made a series of shrewd acquisitions to improve their playoff chances. Yeah, right.” View full article
  19. I’m writing this on Thursday night and don’t want this to be out of date by the time it posts on Friday morning. Some of the biggest moves in baseball happen while we’re in our nightcaps, sawing logs. Therefore, I’ve had to format this like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Please follow the chain for my reaction to whatever did or did not happen. DID THE TWINS MAKE A MOVE? IF NO: Standing pat gives us every indication that the Twins hope the rotation’s slump ends, Kenta Maeda saves the bullpen, and the offense does the rest. I’m skeptical! THE END IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A STARTING PITCHER IF YES: I’m glad they did something, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. THE END IF NO: What about the bullpen? I’m troubled! CONTINUE IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A RELIEVER IF YES: I’m glad they did something, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. At least they didn’t trade Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps. I’m still very upset about that and I will die angry about it. I’m angry now! THE END IF NO: What about the rotation? I’m troubled! CONTINUE IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A CATCHER IF YES: I’m glad they added depth to the position with Jeffers’ injury, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. And I'm troubled about the pitching! Very troubled! THE END IF NO: I think Drew Butera is a bullpen catcher for the Angels. A reunion has never made more sense. Bring back Sweet Drew! You can probably get him for some coupons. CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY TRADE CARLOS CORREA DESPITE BEING IN FIRST PLACE AND AN OBVIOUS PLAYOFF TEAM EVEN IF THE PITCHING CONTINUES TO MAKE US ALL SAD IF YES: I hate this so much. You’re in first place, you stupid idiots. You fools. You fools. THE END IF NO: Good. You’re in first place, you stupid idiots. CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY MOVE THE TEAM’S HOME GAMES TO DICK PUTZ FIELD IN ST. CLOUD, MINNESOTA BECAUSE THEY CAN’T AFFORD THE RENT IN THE NORTH LOOP IF YES: I guess I understand? Seems like a pretty long drive for a lot of season ticket holders, and they’ll have to share the field with the St. Cloud Rox, but they have a beer deck along the third base line. The rebuilt Ultimate Sports Bar is just down the way. The White Horse downtown has great food and killer drinks. Enjoy the Granite City! THE END IF NO: Good. That would be a weird thing to do? CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY TRADE FOR JUAN SOTO OR AARON JUDGE OR SHOHEI OHTANI IF YES: I have died. I will not miss any of the players we traded. THE END IF NO: Glad I’m not dead, I guess. Woulda been cool though. THE END Congratulations! You've reached the end of the story. Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash. View full article
  20. DID THE TWINS MAKE A MOVE? IF NO: Standing pat gives us every indication that the Twins hope the rotation’s slump ends, Kenta Maeda saves the bullpen, and the offense does the rest. I’m skeptical! THE END IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A STARTING PITCHER IF YES: I’m glad they did something, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. THE END IF NO: What about the bullpen? I’m troubled! CONTINUE IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A RELIEVER IF YES: I’m glad they did something, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. At least they didn’t trade Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps. I’m still very upset about that and I will die angry about it. I’m angry now! THE END IF NO: What about the rotation? I’m troubled! CONTINUE IF YES: DID THE TWINS TRADE FOR A CATCHER IF YES: I’m glad they added depth to the position with Jeffers’ injury, but I’m sorry to see (prospect name or names) go. And I'm troubled about the pitching! Very troubled! THE END IF NO: I think Drew Butera is a bullpen catcher for the Angels. A reunion has never made more sense. Bring back Sweet Drew! You can probably get him for some coupons. CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY TRADE CARLOS CORREA DESPITE BEING IN FIRST PLACE AND AN OBVIOUS PLAYOFF TEAM EVEN IF THE PITCHING CONTINUES TO MAKE US ALL SAD IF YES: I hate this so much. You’re in first place, you stupid idiots. You fools. You fools. THE END IF NO: Good. You’re in first place, you stupid idiots. CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY MOVE THE TEAM’S HOME GAMES TO DICK PUTZ FIELD IN ST. CLOUD, MINNESOTA BECAUSE THEY CAN’T AFFORD THE RENT IN THE NORTH LOOP IF YES: I guess I understand? Seems like a pretty long drive for a lot of season ticket holders, and they’ll have to share the field with the St. Cloud Rox, but they have a beer deck along the third base line. The rebuilt Ultimate Sports Bar is just down the way. The White Horse downtown has great food and killer drinks. Enjoy the Granite City! THE END IF NO: Good. That would be a weird thing to do? CONTINUE IF YES: DID THEY TRADE FOR JUAN SOTO OR AARON JUDGE OR SHOHEI OHTANI IF YES: I have died. I will not miss any of the players we traded. THE END IF NO: Glad I’m not dead, I guess. Woulda been cool though. THE END Congratulations! You've reached the end of the story. Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash.
  21. Longtime Twins TV voice stuns family, friends, polite society with replacement-level outfielder body art. Fans tuning in to Bally Sports North for Saturday’s Twins/Tigers tilt might notice a difference. Not on the field, but off. Dick Bremer, the veteran broadcaster who has handled play-by-play duties for the Minnesota Twins since 1983, revealed that he got a full-face tattoo paying tribute to Mickey Hatcher, who played for the Twins from 1981-1986. “He FaceTimed me from the tattoo parlor and said he was pulling the trigger,” said Bally Sports North analyst and local former relief pitcher Glen Perkins. “I just thought he was getting a TC on his bicep or something. He did not. It’s troubling.” The multiphase tattoo features a headshot of Hatcher on his left cheek and Hatcher’s powder blue home jersey on his right. Under his left eye is a script “Mickey” with a matching script “Hatcher” under the right. An all caps “HATCHMAN4LIFE” runs along his jawline. “’Hatchman’ wasn’t even the guy’s nickname,” said Perkins. “I’m going to repeat this: It’s so troubling.” Hatcher is perhaps best known for hurting himself catching a gimmick fly ball dropped from the Metrodome roof the day after Dave Kingman hit one through the Teflon. What drove Bremer to celebrate this minor figure in Twins history? One family member has a theory. “We were just sharing Twins memories in the Bremer group chat on Monday,” said Bremer’s son Erik, himself a play-by-play voice for the minor league Pensacola Blue Wahoos. “And my sister, who never responds to these things, pops in with, ‘Hey, remember when Bert Blyleven (Bremer's longtime broadcast partner) swore a bunch on the air? Cry laugh emoji, cry laugh emoji, poop emoji, cry laugh emoji.’ There was no response. She knew right away what she did.” Sources close to the family and organization say Bremer’s years as Blyleven’s foil left him emotionally spent and spiritually broken, and he’s only recently begun to fix that personal trauma. Would an innocent reminder lead to such an impulsive, permanent action? “Every day it was ‘downward plane’ this, ‘circle me’ that,” said a front office source. “He was also so close to Bert’s fart radius. For decades. A lesser man would’ve cracked years ago. That scar tissue is still tender, as is his heavily tattooed face and chin.” Bremer could not be reached for comment to this story or The Athletic’s report about an alleged Rob Wilfong henna tattoo on his left foot. Image license here. View full article
  22. Fans tuning in to Bally Sports North for Saturday’s Twins/Tigers tilt might notice a difference. Not on the field, but off. Dick Bremer, the veteran broadcaster who has handled play-by-play duties for the Minnesota Twins since 1983, revealed that he got a full-face tattoo paying tribute to Mickey Hatcher, who played for the Twins from 1981-1986. “He FaceTimed me from the tattoo parlor and said he was pulling the trigger,” said Bally Sports North analyst and local former relief pitcher Glen Perkins. “I just thought he was getting a TC on his bicep or something. He did not. It’s troubling.” The multiphase tattoo features a headshot of Hatcher on his left cheek and Hatcher’s powder blue home jersey on his right. Under his left eye is a script “Mickey” with a matching script “Hatcher” under the right. An all caps “HATCHMAN4LIFE” runs along his jawline. “’Hatchman’ wasn’t even the guy’s nickname,” said Perkins. “I’m going to repeat this: It’s so troubling.” Hatcher is perhaps best known for hurting himself catching a gimmick fly ball dropped from the Metrodome roof the day after Dave Kingman hit one through the Teflon. What drove Bremer to celebrate this minor figure in Twins history? One family member has a theory. “We were just sharing Twins memories in the Bremer group chat on Monday,” said Bremer’s son Erik, himself a play-by-play voice for the minor league Pensacola Blue Wahoos. “And my sister, who never responds to these things, pops in with, ‘Hey, remember when Bert Blyleven (Bremer's longtime broadcast partner) swore a bunch on the air? Cry laugh emoji, cry laugh emoji, poop emoji, cry laugh emoji.’ There was no response. She knew right away what she did.” Sources close to the family and organization say Bremer’s years as Blyleven’s foil left him emotionally spent and spiritually broken, and he’s only recently begun to fix that personal trauma. Would an innocent reminder lead to such an impulsive, permanent action? “Every day it was ‘downward plane’ this, ‘circle me’ that,” said a front office source. “He was also so close to Bert’s fart radius. For decades. A lesser man would’ve cracked years ago. That scar tissue is still tender, as is his heavily tattooed face and chin.” Bremer could not be reached for comment to this story or The Athletic’s report about an alleged Rob Wilfong henna tattoo on his left foot. Image license here.
  23. With obvious needs like bullpen depth and another starting pitcher staring them in the face, sources familiar with the Twins front office say they have a singular focus headed into the All-Star break: The godless Chicago White Sox. In particular, the manager’s job security. Tony La Russa, the 76-year-old DUI enthusiast and leader of the godless Chicago White Sox, has appeared befuddled and bewildered at times. His team, heavily favored to win the AL Central, has struggled mightily all season long and continues to trail the first-place Twins in the standings. Given the talent on White Sox roster, Minnesota is banking on the manager continuing to waste it at every turn. “Obviously, we would love to reinforce the bullpen,” said a front office source. “The thing is, that takes money and prospects. Keeping Tony in charge on the South Side costs us nothing. We'll be putting a lot of encouragement on our social channels and via group chat with White Sox players and staff. Lots of 'Really admire what you're doing' and 'Looks like you're turning things around, we just hope we can get a wild card.' Stuff like that.” Unlike godless Chicago White Sox teams of the past, this roster is loaded with likeable, talented players. Liam Hendriks, Tim Anderson, Dylan Cease, the unbuttoned majesty of Eloy Jimenez. Sources say it’s dumbfounding that they’ve been unable to catch an overperforming, banged-up Twins team with a threadbare bullpen. Minnesota aims to keep it that way. “Another front-line starting pitcher would be terrific, especially if you’re looking towards the playoffs,” said the source. “But you have to get there first. Letting Tony cook is the best way to ensure that.” Observers close to the situation agree. “Not a lot of managers could pull off what La Russa is doing,” said a Twins coach. “He’s a legend for a reason.” “I heard he might start every inning with an intentional walk on Saturday,” said an MLB source. “It’s unorthodox to be sure, but he says that it sets up the double play every time. That’s just facts. He’s a Hall of Famer.”
  24. 'Not a lot of managers could pull off what La Russa is doing,' said a Twins coach. 'He’s a legend for a reason.' With obvious needs like bullpen depth and another starting pitcher staring them in the face, sources familiar with the Twins front office say they have a singular focus headed into the All-Star break: The godless Chicago White Sox. In particular, the manager’s job security. Tony La Russa, the 76-year-old DUI enthusiast and leader of the godless Chicago White Sox, has appeared befuddled and bewildered at times. His team, heavily favored to win the AL Central, has struggled mightily all season long and continues to trail the first-place Twins in the standings. Given the talent on White Sox roster, Minnesota is banking on the manager continuing to waste it at every turn. “Obviously, we would love to reinforce the bullpen,” said a front office source. “The thing is, that takes money and prospects. Keeping Tony in charge on the South Side costs us nothing. We'll be putting a lot of encouragement on our social channels and via group chat with White Sox players and staff. Lots of 'Really admire what you're doing' and 'Looks like you're turning things around, we just hope we can get a wild card.' Stuff like that.” Unlike godless Chicago White Sox teams of the past, this roster is loaded with likeable, talented players. Liam Hendriks, Tim Anderson, Dylan Cease, the unbuttoned majesty of Eloy Jimenez. Sources say it’s dumbfounding that they’ve been unable to catch an overperforming, banged-up Twins team with a threadbare bullpen. Minnesota aims to keep it that way. “Another front-line starting pitcher would be terrific, especially if you’re looking towards the playoffs,” said the source. “But you have to get there first. Letting Tony cook is the best way to ensure that.” Observers close to the situation agree. “Not a lot of managers could pull off what La Russa is doing,” said a Twins coach. “He’s a legend for a reason.” “I heard he might start every inning with an intentional walk on Saturday,” said an MLB source. “It’s unorthodox to be sure, but he says that it sets up the double play every time. That’s just facts. He’s a Hall of Famer.” View full article
  25. “The burning,” said a team source. “The burning.” Thursday’s off day provided the Minnesota Twins with some much-needed downtime, including their annual Summer Potluck. But the charcuterie turned to carnage when members of the Twins bullpen botched their dish, injuring dozens in the clubhouse. “We had a real nice spread laid out,” said a team source. “Buffalo chicken dip, sliders, Minnesota sushi, you name it. Then all of a sudden I just hear shouting and screaming and then the burning. The burning.” Sources say the bullpen was assigned chips and ice, but when reliever Emilio Pagan got lost on his way to Kowalski’s and drove to Fort Smith, Arkansas instead, they improvised a pasta salad. That’s when the trouble began. “First of all, they didn’t have any of the ingredients one would need to make a pasta salad,” said a clubhouse source. “They had plenty of enthusiasm, but noodles? No. Veggies? No. Dressing? No. A pot and water? Again, no.” “I can’t stress this enough: the clubhouse doesn’t have a stove,” said former Twin and current Bally Sports North analyst Glen Perkins. “They removed it after they found out (Carl) Pavano was living there for a couple years to in his words ‘let some things sort themselves out.’ You couldn’t even start a fire if you wanted to. And yet.” Multiple cell phone videos appear to show Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar and other unidentified relief pitchers pouring a Ziploc bag labeled “MAKE CAR GO WATER, DON’T DRINK” on a bucket of gum and sunflower seeds, then attempting to light the unconventional salad with a road flare. “If I heard them correctly, they said they were marinating the gum and seeds mixture and hoping to sear it to seal in the juices,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Right before the flames engulfed us, I heard Thielbar call it a Goodhue County sous vide. I don’t think that’s right.” A team spokesperson said that no decision has been made about rescheduling Friday’s game at Texas. Although the injuries are minor, the spokesperson said the bullpen is entirely healthy and they must consider that before making the final call. View full article
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