RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Flickr/Joanne C. Sullivan Apologies in advance for stepping out from behind my satirical remove. But the situation demands it. Guys, I think the Twins might be pretty bad this year. Prior to spring training, 75 wins seemed about right. That isn't good, by any stretch of the imagination. But they had enough starting pitching to get from here to respectability, especially in a bad division. Enough things break right, they could sniff .500, and if they finally get some breakout performances from the kids (I'm one of the TD writers old enough to remember when Kirby Puckett started hitting for power), one could dare to dream of a playoff berth. Dream in one hand and [REDACTED] in the other, and see which one fills up first. Pablo López is out. David Festa is hurt. Joe Ryan has back trouble. Bailey Ober already had to hit reset. That's 80% of the rotation! The good part of the team! The depth has gone from enviable to Andrew Morris and ten Hail Marys. The lineup is...man, I don't know. Can anyone but Byron Buxton play defense? And are Josh Bell and Victor Caratini enough to fix the inconsistent offense of last year? I desperately want to be wrong. I want Brooks Lee to live up to his potential. I want Royce Lewis to be Royce Lewis again. I think it's foolish to expect that to happen. To be honest, the least of my concerns is the bullpen. Yes, the completely decimated one from last year with three reclamation projects as the causes for quote-unquote "hope". I like how Aaron put it over at The Athletic: There is zero reason to expect the bullpen to be good (and to be clear, Aaron doesn't), but bullpens are weird like hockey goalies are weird. No one knows how they work or what makes them tick; you just hope you fall into a decent one. Of all the things I can muster optimism about today regarding Your Minnesota Twins, it's that the bullpen might be OK—because sometimes that just happens. In the name of Tony Fiore, let it be so. Finally, I know spring training records are meaningless. But the 4-8 record as of Thursday morning is earned. It seems about right for what they're putting out there every afternoon. And it doesn't look a whole lot different from what they're going to put out there when the games start counting. I want to be wrong. As I put this in the publication queue, they are beating the living hell out of the New York Yankees, of all teams. [Ed. note: They held on to win a nailbiter, 15-0.] I would love nothing more than to have everyone reading this throwing it in my face come September's pennant race. That said, if the worst comes to pass, tickets, hot dogs, and beers will be pretty cheap this summer. See you at the yard. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Gordon With 60% of their projected starting rotation either out for the year or questionable for Opening Day, the one acknowledged strength of the 2026 Minnesota Twins is now in question. Twins Daily is fortunate to have access once again to The Injury Gods, Jontu of the Poison Wind and Cnathol the Endless. They sat down with us to discuss their approach to this year’s squad and the exquisite ache of a long-suffering fanbase. TWINS DAILY: When did you know you were going to turn your attention to the rotation? JONTU: That’s a great question, mortal. Honestly, we’ve taken a hands-off approach to your unloved franchise. They’ve been doing the work for us! What is one ACL when your ownership refuses to spend money and reneges on selling the team? We can only remove our thorny, awful crowns in admiration. CNATHOL: That kind of wickedness is special. It’s special. JONTU: But then they got to spring training and talked about how they expected the rotation to carry them. In a division like the AL Central, I’m sorry to say that made a lot of sense. CNATHOL: We saw how confident they were in the starting pitching. That’s when we got to work. TWINS DAILY: Did you always know you were going to start with Pablo Lopez (out for the season after UCL surgery)? CNATHOL: (chuckling, emitting a faint hint of sulfur) Yes, yes. JONTU: The timing, Cnathol. The timing! CNATHOL: Tom Pohlad had given his little inspirational speech to the team before the first Lopez appearance. They may as well have put his UCL on a tee. TWINS DAILY: Was Joe Ryan’s back issue supposed to be minor, or was that a misstep by the Gods? JONTU: THE GODS DO NOT PLAY DICE, MORTAL. YOU’D DO WELL TO REMEMBER YOUR PLACE. TWINS DAILY: I apologize. CNATHOL: WE’LL HAVE YOU WRITING FOR ROCKIES DAILY IN THE BLINK OF MY LIDLESS EYE. TWINS DAILY: Very well. Allow me to rephrase: Was it your intention to give Joe Ryan what looks like a minor injury? JONTU: Yes. A little panic for the suffering masses. CNATHOL: Then they think they dodged a bullet, and we drop (David) Festa’s shoulder impingement on them. Boom! (Actual thunder rolls in the background) JONTU: (giggling) It feels good to laugh again, you know? TWINS DAILY: Are you considering lending your dreadful touch to the bullpen? CNATHOL: What kind of gotcha journalism is this? JONTU: Even your puny mortal mind knows that this team hasn’t a bullpen. TWINS DAILY: Forgive me, yes. What about the rest of the team. There are some promising young players in the pipeline. JONTU: Walker Jenkins, correct? TWINS DAILY: Yes, he appears to be the jewel of the system, should be in the majors this season. JONTU: We haven’t really explored the “injuries that ooze” space of late. It feels like we could really stretch ourselves, as well as Jenkins’ tender, yielding flesh. CNATHOL: Those Fanatics jerseys are already horrible, imagine them soaked through with pus. JONTU: Did we design those? CNATHOL: I think Zyzmoz, The One Who Waits did a consult. TWINS DAILY: Any final thoughts to share with Twins Territory? CNATHOL: That ache you feel right now? You’ll wish for it come June. JONTU: Consider getting into MMA. We just let those goons pound each other. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Marcus Winkler Despite projections in the 72-80 win range and a remarkably small payroll, Twins owner Tom Pohlad said he expected the team to be competitive in the AL Central. The lack of splashy free-agent signings or big trades led almost everyone in Twins territory to question this goal. Still, Pohlad expressed remarkable confidence in his team, going so far as to give an impassioned speech to the squad on the first day of spring training. In an unfortunate bit of timing, this was followed by staff ace Pablo López likely going out for the season with an elbow injury. Sources say adding insult to this particular injury was the flaw it exposed in Pohlad’s Top Secret Pennant Plan, or PTSPP, known to only a handful of front office employees. “The main tenet of PTSPP was ‘We’ll Be OK If Nobody Gets Hurt'," said a person with knowledge of the plan. “In fact, it was the only tenet. Lots of white space on the paper.” Pohlad was reportedly very disappointed when they learned the extent of the López injury, which is likely to result in a second Tommy John procedure for the All-Star hurler. “He was definitely upset,” said the source. “He repeatedly asked (new Twins general manager Jeremy) Zoll how often pitchers get hurt like this. Jeremy said quite often. I don’t think Tom liked that answer. “Then Jeremy told him this happens to every other team. It made him feel a little better, even though Jeremy couldn’t tell him when or to whom it would happen.” The source says Pohlad is calling an emergency meeting of team stakeholders to reveal PTSPP 2.0 on Friday. “I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but I can reveal that there are two to three sentences.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Lloyd Rich After an offseason of much-criticized inactivity, the Twins have spent the last couple weeks making a few more moves. A common thread in the transactions? They all used to play here. Taylor Rogers, Gio Urshela, and Liam Hendriks have all signed deals with the Twins recently. And it appears that might continue. “Basically, we have Minnesota’s Baseball Reference page pulled up, and we’re going season by season to check in on everyone who doesn’t have a current team,” said a front office source with knowledge of the team’s internet history. “We just got to 2018. You wouldn’t happen to have a forwarding address for Robbie Grossman, would you?” Sources say the team hopes to both fill roster gaps and curate some good feelings with an alienated fan base. “There’s someone out there who caught a Darin Mastroianni foul ball, and it was the best moment of his young life,” said a source in the season ticket office. “Now he’s older, he has disposable income, and maybe wants to go out to the yard to see if Darin still has a little gas left in the ol’ tank.” Mastroianni, 40, last played in the majors in 2016. Twins Daily was unable to confirm his current career, but Fangraphs projects him to be either in real estate, coaching, or liquor distribution. While adding position players is nice, the focus for both the team and the fanbase remains the bullpen. “Take a look at the 2013 bullpen,” said the latter source. “Caleb Thielbar is still playing. Ryan Pressly just hung it up. Michael Tonkin pitched for us last year! Glen Perkins works here, I bet he’s got all those guys’ numbers. Heck, I bet ol’ Glen could throw that fastball by a bunch of those young pups.” A spokesperson for Perkins says everything is sore all the time and that Stu should leave him out of his fun comedy bits. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Mitchell Griest Perhaps the biggest question mark for the Twins this offseason has been what they would do to restock their bullpen, which was decimated at last year’s trade deadline. With the exception of welcoming back Taylor Rogers, the Twins have left the cupboard bare, and there are simply no solutions left on the free agent market. Do they plan to convert starters to relievers? Make a trade with one of their many left-handed corner outfielders or Ryan Jeffers? Rely on unproven minor leaguers? Sources say the current thinking rejects all the above paths and focuses on an unproven method: Napping. “Let’s face it, it’s going to be tough sledding,” said a source familiar with the front office’s thinking. “We didn’t really sign anyone, there’s no money for anything, and [Derek] Falvey just split two weeks before spring training. The best thing, going forward, is to go into the next room, take a snooze under a big pile of coats and blankets, and hope it all works out in the end.” This approach, while unorthodox, has gained steam within the organization since Falvey’s surprise departure last week. “You know how, during natural disasters, neighbors just sort of figure things out because no one is coming to save them,” said another source. “I think the Minnesota Twins are in the same boat. If leadership isn’t around to offer guidance, the coaches and pitchers will piece it all together. We’ll wake up, and bingo bango, our problems are solved.” Outside the organization, this plan is being met with skepticism. “That’s literally part of the plot in the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to college,” said Jayson Stark, senior baseball writer for The Athletic. “It’s a great episode, mind you, written by Conan O’Brien. But it doesn’t seem applicable to building a major-league bullpen. Are you sure this is real?” Although neither Tom Pohlad nor newly elevated baseball chief Jeremy Zoll would go on the record, multiple sources with knowledge of the plan, nicknamed Operation Sleepy Little Guys, confirm its existence to Twins Daily. “Here’s the deal: when we wake up, there’s gonna be a bullpen,” said the first source. “Someone literally has to do it if we’re not there. That’s the beauty of Operation Sleepy Little Guys. Sleep smarter, not harder. Although, let me tell you, we’re going to be out like a light.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Public Domain Over the weekend, The Athletic’s Dan Hayes reported that Minnesota Twins executive chair Tom Pohlad called 50 lapsed season-ticket holders in an attempt to make amends with a portion of the team’s vocally displeased fan base. As it turns out, at least some of those phone calls went in an unexpected direction. “It started out pretty normal, just asking me why I didn’t renew and listening to my responses,” said Zach Christiansen, 41, of Lino Lakes. “But once I told him I was going to wait and see how this season goes before considering renewing, he asked me if I wanted to buy an office building in Bloomington. I thought he was kidding, then he started breaking down the numbers and asking me if I had any limited partners I’d like to bring in. “I’m a manager at Cub Foods. I don’t have limited partners. I don’t even have a 401(k).” Christiansen’s experience was echoed by Miriam Westrum, 67, of Edina. “These tickets have been in the family forever, but all the kids moved out of state and I really don’t like driving in the Cities, everyone’s going so fast these days,” said Westrum. “I told him that, he said he understood, then he said he had a sweetheart deal on a mixed-use development in downtown Minneapolis. “I’m a retired math teacher. My husband passed in 2018. I told him as much.” In fact, every season ticket holder Twins Daily spoke with said Pohlad closed his call by gauging their interest in a number of properties owned by his family. “I work in customer service, so I am very familiar with these ‘tell us how we can win you back’ pitches,” said Tommy Gutierrez, 38, of St. Paul. “But it went really off the rails when he asked if I ever considered owning my own skyscraper. He said he could get it to me for ten cents on the dollar, compared to what they paid on it. “I’m pretty sure he was crying.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Rick Burtzel The Minnesota Twins took their first (somewhat) significant step toward shoring up their depleted bullpen, signing former Twin Taylor Rogers to a 1-year, $2-million deal on Thursday. With the annual TwinsFest celebration happening this weekend, some in team leadership are concerned that things might get out of hand. “There’s definitely some worry that the fans might go overboard in their revelry, like Woodstock ’99,” said a source close to the Pohlad ownership group. “We signed a reliever they’ve heard of. And he used to be one of us. They might become feral. “Do we need extra security? Taylor Rogers Fever is a real phenomenon.” While no longer the All-Star he once was, Rogers likely slides into a setup role, and he could close. It’s unknown if he will appear at TwinsFest for media appearances, autograph signings, or meet-and-greets. The team doesn’t want to take any chances. “Put simply, the fans need to understand that just because we’ve finally done exactly what they’ve wanted, it’s no reason to be boisterous or rowdy,” said another source familiar with the Pohlads’ thinking. “If they run roughshod over Target Field or attempt to hoist TC Bear on their shoulders, it could end in tragedy. TC Bear’s struggles with anxiety and personal space are well-documented.” TwinsFest takes place on Friday, January 23 and Saturday, January 24, at Target Field. The only previous example of unruly behavior at the long-running festival was at the adjacent 2022 Winter Meltdown, when the now-shuttered Pourhouse was unable to satisfy Star Tribune journalist Phil Miller’s request for a decent, full-flavored hazy IPA. His shirtless tirade was deemed “colorful” and “remarkably profane, even for a sportswriter” by witnesses. “After the Miller incident, we simply can’t take chances,” said the source. “We know the (Winter) Meltdown audience is mostly freaks, baseball perverts, and communists, but what if that seeps into the family-oriented TwinsFest? We’re on high alert.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Kim Klement Neitzel-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins report to Fort Myers in less than a month. Derek Falvey has a plan. Twins Daily has confirmed that Falvey sent a third email to Tom Pohlad, the team’s executive chair, about acquiring funds for the team’s bullpen, which is still mostly barren after last year’s trade deadline fire sale. A source with knowledge of the team’s email server, who asked not to be identified, shared the message with Twins Daily. It reads as follows: The team is already behind the 8-ball for rebuilding the bullpen. Per The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman, 24 of the top 30 free agent relievers (by projected WAR) have already signed, including the top 13. “The first two emails were pretty detailed, with names of players, projected salaries, agent contact info, that kind of thing,” said the source. “I’m pretty sure they were deleted upon receipt.” There has been no word on what Falvey will do if this email also goes unanswered, but the source speculates that he might try a stamped letter, landline telephone, or a falconer named Bradford if the situation remains the same come February 1. “He’s a terrific falconer, can send notes, interoffice memos, cash, real solid dude,” said the source. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Ian D'Andrea Sources close to your dad have confirmed that the lifelong Minnesota Twins fan and current season ticket holder will spend most of the upcoming season calling free agent signing Orlando Arcia “Oswaldo.” Oswaldo Arcia, Orlando’s brother, played for the Twins from 2013-16. Even though your dad probably knows this, “the snowball is already rolling downhill,” per your mom. “Your father was skimming that (local chicken fried rice expert/journalist Aaron) Gleeman fellow’s Athletic column on his iPad and said, ‘Hey looks like we got Oswaldo back,’ or something to that effect. Your brother tried to correct him, but he already took his readers off to go see if the recycling truck had been here.” The younger Arcia, who was an All-Star in 2023 but has slumped mightily since, signed a minor-league deal and is in the mix for a team that is in desperate need of depth at shortstop. Oswaldo last played major league baseball in 2016. “I always liked Oswaldo,” your dad is reported to have said. “Wasn’t he one of The Piranhas? God those guys hustled.” Sources say that even when he finds out he’s mistaken, he’ll likely still use the incorrect brother’s name 75-80% of the time. “Remember when Teddy Bridgewater was the Vikings quarterback, and dad kept calling him Timmy,” your brother said. “We tried so hard to correct him, but then he’d just say ‘Sounds like Timmy’s having a great offseason’ before looking out the window to see if that car was still parked across the street.” Orlando played for both Atlanta and Colorado in 2024. After the Braves released him in June, the Rockies signed him and used him at multiple infield positions. “Wonder if ol’ Oswaldo has anything left in the tank,” speculated your dad, before pulling up another YouTube video about the interstate highway system. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Chris Lynch Adam Pietrich is what some would call an avid indoorsman. The Minneapolis native and Twins fan enjoys hunkering down for the winter in his one-bedroom apartment with his cat, Brad Radke. He orders a lot of take out, takes PTO from his IT gig from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Day, and generally does a whole lot of nothing beyond playing his Switch and binging various streaming series. And yet, this lazy man, wearing the same hoodie and pajama pants for a third consecutive day, logged more activity in the back half of December than the Minnesota Twins. “Went over to my Dad’s house for Christmas dinner, took Brad Radke to the vet, even went to Rosedale to exchange a gift,” said Pietrich, 31. “Those are the three times I left the house this week.” By contrast, news of the Twins signing Josh Bell broke on December 15th. Since then, it’s been radio silence from a team that does not have a bullpen as of press time. “I checked Twins Daily and the local papers and MLB.com to see if I missed anything over the holidays,” said the bachelor. “Crickets, brother. I respect their commitment to leisure, but even I would’ve signed someone to a minor-league deal just for appearances.” Pietrich’s family remains disappointed in him. “He was late for dinner and was wearing those damn PJ pants again,” said Charlie Pietrich, Adam’s father. “I understand he did more than the Twins, but would a shower and clean pair of khakis be too much to ask?” For his part, Pietrich said he had even more things planned over the holidays, but circumstances conspired to keep him from further activity. “I was going to get up and check my mailbox in the lobby today but my foot fell asleep, so I figured that was an errand for Tomorrow Adam,” said Pietrich. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Mike Mozart December 26th is known as Boxing Day in Great Britain, but in America, it’s when you exchange the duplicate gift or ill-fitting sweater you received for Christmas. And for at least one MLB franchise, it’s when you attempt an outside-the-box roster move that may very well be illegal and violate several human rights treaties. Per multiple sources with knowledge of the team’s thinking, Twins Executive Chair Tom Pohlad attempted to return Twins infielder/catcher Mickey Gasper at the St. Louis Park Costco on Friday morning. Pohlad was overheard saying, “Derek, this is Tom, do you still have the receipt for (Mickey) Gasper,” by multiple shoppers at the store’s customer service area. “They won’t take him back without a receipt. This is urgent, please call back as soon as possible.” Gasper was in fact acquired from the Boston Red Sox in December 2024 for pitcher Jovani Moran. Team sources say the decision to try Costco was due to their generous return policy for members. “Tom is an executive member and figured it was as good a plan as any to free up roster space and payroll,” said one front office source. “The fact that he had his driver take him to the worst parking lot in America on the day after Christmas? I think it reflects well on his commitment to making the 2026 Twins competitive, despite what naysayers may claim about Mickey Gasper’s human rights.” Costco customer service rep Lynn Moeller said she was very confused by the request. “Usually people bring in the actual item they’re returning,” said Moeller. “(Pohlad) showed me a baseball card and asked if we would take the man on the card back. He assured me that it was legal and totally normal in other countries where his family has country estates. I called my manager over.” A spokesperson for Costco declined to comment on the matter, but witnesses say the manager refused to honor the request even after Pohlad put a caller, assumed to be Falvey, on the line with them. “You could tell (Pohlad) wasn’t thrilled, but he seemed to accept the manager’s decision,” said one customer. “I guess this is, like, super illegal to do." Gasper remains on the Twins 40-man roster. His representatives say they are exploring their legal options but acknowledged that the St. Louis Park Costco parking lot is pretty bad. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of David Berding-USA TODAY Sports Not only did the Twins finally reveal their minority partners this week, they also announced that Tom Pohlad would assume the role of the ownership group’s Executive Chair, previously held by his younger brother, Joe. Beyond the Succession-esque family drama, this led many observers to ask two questions: There’s a Tom Pohlad? Just how many Pohlad brothers and sons are there? In the interest of public service and because it’s not like they’re going to give us a new free-agent signing to write about, Twins Daily did some shoe-leather reporting to suss out just how many Pohlads are out there. Here’s what we know, as of Friday, December 19th, 2025. CONFIRMED POHLADS Joe: Former Executive Chair, accidentally gave honest answer to Jason DeRusha. Tom: Current Executive Chair, has yet to give accidentally honest answer to Jason DeRusha. Bill: Hollywood producer and director. If your annoying hipster friend has a cult band or troubled musical genius they won’t shut up about, Bill has directed that biopic. Kind of looks like William H. Macy. Jim: Little is known about him. Feels like, with his wealth, he should go by either James (classy, elegant) or Jimmy (renegade bad boy, spends office hours at a bar that only takes cash). LIKELY POHLADS Bob: Wikipedia says he’s one of the three brothers who inherited the team from Carl and Eloise Pohlad. He’s listed on the Twins website. But no one can confirm with 100% certainty that he’s real. Percival Edgar: Sent to boarding school in London in 1968 and just never left. Fancies himself a real English dandy, given to wearing a pocketwatch and riding one of those tall bikes everywhere. Faints a lot. Tubercular. UNCONFIRMED POHLADS Li'l Mike: The hip-hop Pohlad. From the mean streets of Deephaven, Li'l Mike is allegedly releasing his debut single “Commercial Real Estate (Over-leveraged)” in February 2026. Has an MBA from Cornell. Tony: Quit Stanford in his junior year to get into improv comedy. Is not currently in will. Theo: Vampire with a kind heart. Connor: Aspiring Tik-Tok/Reels influencer. His most popular clip, “How to Know If Your Butler is Defiant,” has over 500 views. We will continue our exhaustive investigation, and update this post accordingly. But, you know, billionaires. If any of the unconfirmed Pohlads disappear from the list, assume they are very real and that we've been threatened with legal action. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Alpha Photo Despite the division-rival Chicago White Sox nabbing the top pick in the 2026 MLB Draft, most Twins fans (and the front office) were pleased to land at No. 3, behind only the (formerly) godless South Siders and Tampa Bay. There was a notable exception. “Winning the lottery is supposed to mean a boatload of money,” said a source close to the Pohlad family. “They are furious that baseball’s lottery means the exact opposite. They want some answers from the Commissioner’s Office, and they want them now.” The Twins most recently benefited from the draft lottery in 2023, when they leapt to the fifth pick and snagged Walker Jenkins, the organization’s top prospect. The source says the Pohlads dispute that characterization. “In 2024, they were able to fall from the 12th pick to the 16th pick. That’s four slots worth of savings," said the family friend. "Jumping up to five when you’re 13th? That means you have to sell one of your country estates—or your entire bullpen.” Twins president of baseball operations Derek Falvey and general manager Jeremy Zoll seemed pleased with the pick, telling The Athletic it was “a good outcome.” Behind the scenes, the Pohlads were fuming. “When a poor wins the lottery, they get money to buy their Big Gulps and Crocs,” said another source with knowledge of the Pohlads’ reaction. “Why don’t those same rules apply to their betters? The Pohlads will put that money right back into the community! “I should clarify that by ‘community,’ I mean the community of Pohlad family members, who will then deposit it in offshore tax havens where it can’t be touched by the government.” The 2026 MLB Draft takes place on July 12 and 13 in Philadelphia. Both sources say the team hopes that the prospect will accept vouchers at the Target Field Team Store in lieu of a signing bonus. Image license here. View full article