RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Flickr/Tom Hagerty The end of Royce Lewis’s 2024 season and beginning of his 2025 season were thought to have two things in common: Injuries and underperformance. In a startling development revealed on Thursday, there’s now a third thing: Groyce Lewis, Royce’s evil twin brother, who replaced the latter sometime in late July of 2024. “We think the swap happened over the 2024 All-Star Break,” said a front office source with knowledge of the situation. “It’s believed that, at a family reunion celebration, Groyce tricked Royce into entering a room that had ‘HEALTHY HAMSTRINGS, FREE TO USE’ on the door. He’s been stuck in there ever since, with Groyce taking his place on the team.” This bombshell was delivered moments after Minnesota’s 5-0 loss Tampa on Wednesday, when Lewis’s slump was extended to zero hits in his last 24 at-bats. “When we were scouting Royce before the 2017 draft, the only real red flag was the fact that he had an evil twin brother named Groyce,” said the source. “Groyce would often engage in what our scouts describe as ‘plots, schemes, ruses, and machinations,’ often at the expense of his good twin brother, Royce.” Teammates expressed surprise at the revelation but admitted there were signs. “When he tweaked his hamstring in spring training, he made what I can only describe as a sinister laugh,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Straining your hamstring hurts, man. He just cackled, drummed his fingers, and said ‘Everything is going according to plan, you fools, you fools’ while he limped off the field.” “We were on a road trip last year and went out to a restaurant to eat,” said outfielder Matt Wallner. “We’re sitting there, waiting for our dinner, and he asked us out of the blue if we wanted to tie damsels to the railroad tracks afterwards. And he had a handlebar mustache for some reason? Weird.” Team officials say they hope to recover the actual Royce Lewis from captivity before this weekend’s series with Seattle. When asked to comment about his pernicious plan laid bare, Groyce would only say: “I’m an evil twin. This is what I do.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Tom Hagerty Unexpected things happen in baseball. The Minnesota Twins are not immune to it. Indeed, they have too many to name in one blog. A smattering off the top of my head: A palm ball merchant named Tony Fiore throws absolute slop, posts double-digit victories, finishes 8th in Rookie of the Year voting in 2002. Lew Ford gets MVP votes in 2004. Marty Cordova goes on the IL with a tanning bed injury in 2002. Dave Kingman hits a ball out of the Metrodome one day in 1984, Mickey Hatcher turns his ankle the next day trying to catch a stunt ball dropped from the Teflon sky. Bombo Rivera. This year, we add Kody Clemens to the list. A 29-year-old journeyman best known for his famous dad, Clemens was acquired from the Phillies for cash. Not even a low-level prospect. Just cash. With the entire active roster in the sanitarium where Doc Holliday was at the end of Tombstone, Clemens was forced into action and has simply thrived, belting two massive home runs vs. Boston and Baltimore along with Wednesday’s walk-off double versus Cleveland. Which leads any reasonable person to the following spot: Are we correctly (korrectly?) assessing Kodys with a K? Kody with a K allows one to make certain assumptions: He’s not very old—there isn’t a Pope Kody or a Chief Justice Kody. He’s very into motocross or BMX racing. He has hard-won knowledge of Mountain Dew special edition flavors. If he’s notable enough to have a Wikipedia page, there’s a section called “TikTok Controversy.” His recent hit single, “Cold Beers and Chevy Trucks (Song for the Troops),” has been number one on the Billboard Country charts for three weeks. If he’s on ESPN, he’s competing in the Johnsonville Cornhole World Championship, being held in the ballroom of Knoxville’s worst Radisson. And yet, here’s Kody Clemens, keying the Minnesota Twins 13-game winning streak. This is not what Kodys with a K do. Kodys are helping you find what you’re looking for at Bass Pro Shops. Kodys have a pyramid of spent Copenhagen tins in their off-campus apartment. Kodys are at the skatepark where the Pamida used to be. Kodys are your seventh bullpen option. (Sidebar: Kodys are different from Codys. It’s the K, folks. The Suite Life of Zach and Kody simply doesn’t work and everyone knows this. Cody will be at the farmers market this weekend if you need further explanation.) It’s fair to wonder how sustainable this all is. After all, there’s no Kody with a K in the Hall of Fame. There’s never even been a Kody with a K in the All-Star Game. Lesser players have gone on longer heaters than Clemens only to return to obscurity. But he’s done more than enough to make all of us reexamine our priors. Has this Kody with a K shattered our preconceptions of the most professional rodeo-ass name in the English language? The jury’s still out, but in a world where celebrity failsons are a blight on the culture and country, let’s celebrate Kody with a K’s heroic play with a raised can of Rockstar Silver Ice Zero Sugar Energy Drink and a Salt Life long-sleeved t-shirt. He’s earned it. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports This season started like any other for the godless Chicago White Sox: a 4-16 start, general apathy, poor attendance, and our country’s prison system and adult video superstores overrun with fans of the squalid franchise. But two major developments have left many wondering just how godless this horrible team and the clammy perverts that support it are. First, as has been widely reported, the first American Pope was outed as a White Sox fan. Given that the Catholic Church makes a point of ministering to the wretches and the impoverished of the world, it makes a ton of sense. "When Jesus cured the lepers, modern religious scholars say it symbolizes a White Sox fan getting the breathalyzer removed from his Toyota Celica," said Miles Ruffin, OSB, who teaches a course on Eschatology at St. John’s University in Collegeville, MN. "Pope Leo, no doubt, understands this." Second, despite being a stank-ass 14-29 as of this writing, that’s twice as many victories as their doomed counterparts in Denver, with the Colorado Rockies setting a new standard for buffoonery every game. This has left many baseball fans and writers questioning their priors. Are the White Sox still godless? Are their lowlife fans still damned to the furthest corners of the hell they’ve meticulously crafted? It’s complicated, according to two fans of other notorious losers and scoundrels that Twins Daily spoke with. “I’ve seen a lot of bad local sports in my time,” said Jon Marthaler, soccer correspondent for the Minnesota Star-Tribune and someone who went to Gophers football games in the Metrodome of his own free will. “To see the White Sox surpass the futility of the Butch Huskey-era Twins is one thing; to see the Rockies play like they learned the rules five minutes ago is another. “I would without question say the White Sox are still monsters, and their fanbase a cruel reminder of man’s inhumanity to man, but the Rockies… my goodness.” Chrissie Bonnes, wife of Twins Daily founder John Bonnes and Philadelphia native, recalled “The Process” years of her beloved Philadelphia 76ers. “Those teams tanked with intention,” said Bonnes. “From what I’ve seen, the White Sox are actually trying, which is worse. And now another team can’t even clear that miraculously low bar? Much like every child born to two White Sox fans, it’s criminal.” Even people of faith find themselves at a crossroads. “Those with even a passing familiarity with the Bible know that faith is often tested,” said Ruffin. “But to observe such a bleak obscenity as Chicago White Sox baseball, and to realize there are depths below even that? Even after hours of prayer and contemplation, I struggle to understand how a loving God can allow this kind of misery.” View full article

Image courtesy of Missvain/Creative Commons Phil Miller noticed right away. “I dunked a chicken strip in the ranch, expecting some of the dip to adhere to the strip,” said the Minnesota Star-Tribune Twins beat writer. “It simply ran right off. It barely even wetted the strip.” Was this a sub-standard batch of ranch? A new catering company experiencing first-gig jitters? Operator error by a seasoned journalist having an off night at the press box feedbag? As it turns out, it was simply a cost-cutting measure by ownership, as noted by team officials in a raucous Thursday press conference. “Yes, we’ve watered down the press box ranch, per direction from ownership,” said Eli Adams, the team’s Director of Food Services & Dining, shouting to be heard over a ringing chorus of boos from the assembled media. “There is still ample flavor and viscosity for those willing to adjust their expectations.” Multiple sources confirmed the decision to alter the savory dipping favorite had nothing to do with flavor and everything to do with the bottom line. “Once attendance dipped in April, we got word to start adding water to the ranch trough,” said a source with knowledge of the Target Field prep kitchen. “I was told it was necessary to keep the team financially flexible.” The press box traditionally has moderately-priced food offerings available to the journalists covering that day’s game. While it’s occasionally the source of playful griping between the team and the writers, no one was laughing on Thursday. “You may find you need to dredge your protein choice in the dip 3-5 times, rather than the standard one-and-done,” said Adams at the presser. “I would remind everyone here that it sticks much better to the carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in the veggie platter.” “Judas! Judas!” responded The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “We go through roughly 3-5 troughs of press box ranch dressing in an average series,” said the prep kitchen source. “We’ll sometimes exceed that when the opponent is from another ranch-forward town, like Chicago or Milwaukee. “We’re only on our second trough of 2025. The savings are not insignificant.” While the money saved may help the team down the road, those dealing with the here and now are left to pick up the pieces. “If they bastardized the honey mustard or barbecue sauce, it would have barely sent a ripple,” said Miller. “But to dilute the ranch, the inarguable ace of the dipping staff, is another matter entirely. The garden-fresh tang and savory creaminess are simply absent. An atrocity.” “I’ve been a vocal critic of how the Pohlads have handled payroll issues the last two seasons, but this time it’s personal,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I don't even like ranch, but what if this had been sweet-and-sour sauce? What then? What then? "I've never been more angry." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Library of Congress/Public Domain Zebadiah ‘Zeb” Grundy is an old-timey gold rush prospector from the American Old West. He took some time yesterday to answer your questions about Twins baseball. Answers have been edited for clarity and to remove cultural references that would be considered “almost supernaturally racist” to modern sensibilities. Q: What is the deal with the Twins’ pitching staff’s fielding troubles? Have you ever seen anything like this? –Owen S., Maplewood A: GOOOOLLLLLLLD! It’s gold, I tells ya! This is my ticket to the sweet life! No more consarned hardtack and beans, it’ll be steaks and whiskey for me from now on. Just me, my lady, and my horse, watchin’ the sun set from our outdoor washtub. The sample size is small, which just exacerbates the issue, but it seems unlikely that they’ll continue making so many unforced errors. It’s astonishing. Q: Do you think Royce Lewis will be an offensive force when he returns to the lineup, or will his late-season struggles from 2024 continue? –John B., Minneapolis A: WRASSLE-FRASSLE! FOOL’S GOLD! I tells ya, there’s nothin’ that breaks my heart more. Ya spends yer day panning by the riverbank, ya thinks ya strikes it rich, and then it’s nothin’ but a mirage. I’ll be wearin’ a barrel in the poorhouse the rest of me days! I think you have to wait and see with Royce. That was the first actual slump of his career. Plus he’s missed so much of this season already. I’d love to think he’ll be an immediate difference-maker, but I just don’t know. I do know that’s one less Quadruple-A guy in the starting lineup every day, which by itself is an improvement. Q: Do you think Rocco Baldelli’s job is in jeopardy? –Brea B., Chaska A: YEEEEHAWWWWWWW! GOLD! IT’S THE MOTHERLODE! I’M RICH! See you all in the funny pages, I’m on the first train to San Francisco! The screenwriter William Goldman once wrote, “Nobody knows anything.” Which is true. But I do know that if they continue to struggle against opponents who aren’t the White Sox or Angels, someone’s getting the hook. And the owners never fire themselves. Q: Gut instinct: Does this team have the talent to turn things around? –Nick T., Eagan A: NOOOOOOOOOOO! ANOTHER BUST! I’M DEAD BROKE! My last pair of dungarees is in tatters. Got no place to lay m'head. Soon I’ll be just another tommyknocker haunting those fool enough to follow in me cursed footsteps. The pitching seems solid, but this lineup is mostly underperforming or hurt. Maybe if they get healthy in a hurry, it’ll happen. But (Matt) Wallner and (Luke) Keaschall are a month or two away, Lewis and Castro still aren’t back, and, well, it gets late early. View full article

‘Should bring a coat or sweater,’ advised the Hall of Famer. Image courtesy of © Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports ‘Should bring a coat or sweater,’ advised the Hall of Famer. The Minnesota Twins continue their first homestand of the season this weekend against the Houston Astros. As they look to build some momentum after a rough 0-4 start, a former Twins great has some advice for fans coming to Target Field. “Gonna be a chilly one this weekend,” observed Joe Mauer, former Twins catcher and first-ballot Hall of Famer. “Bundle up!” With forecasted highs below the average for this time of year, the St. Paul native stressed the importance of layering. “You might think it’s warm in the sun, but you get in the shade and the wind picks up and then you’ve got a cough and a cold the next day,” said the 2009 American League MVP. “Should bring a coat or sweater.” While fans might be excited to wear their favorite Twins ballcap, Mauer said they should reconsider. “Mom would get so steamed when me and Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) would go outside and play catch without our stocking caps on in the spring,” said the six-time All-Star. “’You boys will catch your death,’ she’d say. Plenty of good Twins stocking caps at the store, and your mom will let you watch TV before bed, lol.” Mauer also recommended some warm beverages if you’re attending the game. Just not all of them. “I know they have coffee at the stadium but it always gets me antsy in the pantsy, so I stick to hot chocolate,” said the three-time Gold Glove recipient. “I know Justin [Morneau, Mauer’s former teammate and roommate] used to say people would put booze in their coffee up in Canada where he’s from. Can you even imagine that? I bet that’s not even legal here in the States. “Of course, now that you can get mary jane (slang for marijuana) at Target, who knows,” he mused. “Crazy world.” View full article

The U of M grad student/barista has a closet full of garb from half-forgotten Twins stars, role players, and busts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Caleb Lucas The U of M grad student/barista has a closet full of garb from half-forgotten Twins stars, role players, and busts. Carter Benjamin can’t decide. “Lots of Twins fans would walk into a thrift store, see a red Ron Coomer Twins jersey for $12, and think it’s the best day of their life,” said the 24-year-old Minneapolis resident. “For me, it’s hell.” Benjamin, an insufferable hipster, added that Coomer jersey to an already substantial collection of off-the-beaten-path Twins garb. Now, the question is whether it gets worn to Target Field for next Thursday’s Opening Day tilt versus the Houston Astros. “The thing is, Coomer was actually pretty good on some super bad teams, and he still does broadcast work in Chicago,” said Benjamin. “It would be so much easier if he sucked or got arrested for swindling widows.” Fortunately for the U of M grad student/barista, his closet runneth over with forgotten Twins of yore. “Someone online, for some reason, was selling a Jaime Garcia shirsey,” said Benjamin, referring to the starting pitcher who hurled precisely one game for Minnesota between trades with St. Louis and the Yankees in 2017. “$7.99 for something priceless. I hadn’t felt that way since walking into the Woodbury Goodwill and seeing three medium Joe May t-shirts. I’m an XL, but I bought all three, anyway.” “My gameworn (Tsuyoshi) Nishioka home jersey is an elite choice. But the last time I wore it to a game, some other wiseass in the Hrbek’s bar had an away one. I didn’t even stay for the end, I just left. Sick of this.” Sources close to Benjamin say a Butch Huskey spring training jersey and a threadbare 1991 Twins World Series sweatshirt autographed by Steve Bedrosian and former Minnesota Timberwolves center Randy Breuer are also in the running for the team’s 2025 Target Field debut. For his part, Benjamin says the final decision will be based more on vibes than merit. “Some people wake up and choose violence. I wake up and choose Kevin Slowey's starter jacket. We'll see how the day plays out.” Image license here. View full article

‘You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/smallbox ‘You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs.’ The Minnesota Twins’ relatively healthy spring training was marred earlier this week when infielder Royce Lewis strained a hamstring, knocking him out of the season opener (and likely a few more weeks beyond that). While it’s far from good news, team leaders say they are ready. “As a team that has been cursed by an absent, laughing god, you have to be able to pivot,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Arguably our two best position players are constantly hurt due to the rigors of the game, the frailty of the human body, and horrible luck. And since we already platoon some other players to maximize favorable matchups, we’re moving forward with an IL platoon for [Lewis and center fielder Byron Buxton].” The manager confirmed earlier media reports that Lewis and his fellow frequent injury-haver would alternate time spent on the team’s injured list. Once Lewis is ready to return, Buxton will take his place with an as-yet-unspecified injury. “You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs,” said Baldelli. “We’re just getting it on the schedule and eliminating the middleman.” Baldelli laughed when asked what he’d do if both players were healthy at the same time. “What would I do if Superman was real,” he responded. “What would I do if pizza didn’t have calories? What would I do if (The Athletic’s Dan) Hayes would just admit that Brock Purdy will never lead a team to a Super Bowl win? We’re dealing with possibilities so far from our lived experience that I reject the premise.” Minnesota opens the season against former Twin Sonny Gray and the St. Louis Cardinals on Thursday, March 27th. Image license here. View full article

The home opener is Thurs., Apr. 4, at 3:10 PM. How are you lying to your boss to attend? Image courtesy of Flickr/Eric Kilby The home opener is Thurs., Apr. 4, at 3:10 PM. How are you lying to your boss to attend? With less than three weeks left before the Minnesota Twins home opener, fans are already preparing. Travel plans, pregame bar meetups, jersey choices—the list goes on. But what are you going to tell your boss? Some reading this might have the luxury of taking a half or full day of paid time off, but many don’t. Now is the time to get your bald-faced lies down. As a wise man once said, “Desperation is a stinky cologne.” Don’t wait until noon on the 4th to develop a half-assed scratchy throat. Prepare your wild untruth now, so you can deliver it with confidence and conviction at the appropriate hour. Some advice: If you’re playing the sick relative card, make sure it’s NOT an immediate family member. People are going to remember that. Aunt Kathryn has the sciatica real bad and we’re holding a benefit dinner for her in the church basement. There, done and dusted. Make the “appointment” on your schedule mysterious enough that they don’t ask further questions. Could be a medical thing you don’t want to talk about. Could be for your kid. It’s none of their business, and they got yelled at about HIPAA by HR that one time. If you’re the one who’s going to be “sick,” start the “there’s a nasty new bug going around” chatter no later than Mar. 20. Water cooler, Slack, email, Teams—bring it up repeatedly. Your neighbor has had it for a week and isn’t getting any better, as far as your co-workers know. The nightmare scenario is flawlessly executing your fabrication, only to run into your boss at the game. Fortunately, the solution remains the same as it’s always been: Look them straight in the eye. Say, “You’re mistaken, I don’t know who that is, and I don’t know who you are.” Call for an usher to remove them from Target Field. Failing that, a new life in a new town with a new name worked for Jon Hamm in Mad Men, and that show won a bunch of awards. Believe in yourself. Image license here. View full article

‘Think about how cool a grand slam would be if (Matt) Wallner was riding a dragon around the bases.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/PJ Gal-Szabo ‘Think about how cool a grand slam would be if (Matt) Wallner was riding a dragon around the bases.’ With Opening Day less than three weeks away, the only way to view the Minnesota Twins in 2025 continues to be streaming the games on Twins.TV. While a marked improvement over last year’s debacle, this leaves traditional cable and satellite subscribers in the lurch, without much time to adjust. The lack of team control over this aspect makes the situation even more frustrating. Fortunately, sources in the league office say that they have an innovative solution that remains completely free to all Twins fans, regardless of age, media preference, or financial situation. “The limitless power of the human mind remains an incredible and affordable option for our fanbase,” said an MLB source with knowledge of the situation. “When you get a score update on your phone, you’re not tethered to the reality of a 7-hop Willi Castro bleeder that scored the go-ahead run. Maybe the single was a sharply struck piece of situational hitting. Maybe a majestic bald eagle picked the ball up off the ground and dropped it in left field, all while a children’s choir sang a patriotic hymn about Jesus and America. “For our fans 85 and older, there’s also AM radio.” Twins sources confirmed that, while they’re confident a resolution will be reached before Opening Day, they are encouraging fans to slip the surly bonds of terrestrial reality and embrace the might and frolic of the mind’s eye. “Joe Ryan throwing a two-hit shutout over seven innings is nice and all,” said a source in the team’s media relations department. “Joe Ryan throwing a two-hit shutout over seven innings while being caught by Fonzie from Happy Days? That’s a memory of a lifetime. Ayyyyyyy!” The Twins open the season on the road against the St. Louis Cardinals on Mar. 27. “Think about how cool a grand slam would be if (Matt) Waller was riding a dragon around the bases,” added the Twins source. “I’d like to see Comcast or DirecTV try that.” Image license here. View full article

Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is expected to land in the bullpen, but could pitch his way into the rotation. Image courtesy of Apple TV+ Press Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is expected to land in the bullpen, but could pitch his way into the rotation. When Louie Varland changed his name to Louis Varland this spring, it was met with a couple polite chuckles and news stories. His latest first name, however, is causing a much bigger reaction, and more than a little confusion. The Minnesota native now goes by "Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller" Varland, and has asked media and his teammates to honor this request. “I don’t… I just don’t know what this is,” Twins manager Rocco Baldelli said. When asked about the reason for another name change, Varland preferred to keep the focus on the field. “At the end of the day, what I want you all to write about is Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland going out there and competing, throwing strikes, and giving the Twins the best chance to get back to the playoffs,” he said. “I hope I can be as entertaining for the fans as The Gorge, a new Apple TV movie starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller, is.” A front office source with knowledge of the situation said the sports agency that represents Varland has been offering their clients as spokespersons for various entertainment properties. “We’d heard that they might be used in web ads, things of that nature,” said the source. “I don’t think anyone expected a full name change.” For Minnesota’s TV and radio personnel, the sheer length of Varland’s new sobriquet presents challenges. “What the hell is this,” asked Dan Gladden, the color commentator on Twins radio broadcasts. “No. I won’t do it. No.” While his name might seem unique, Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is not the only person in camp operating under a new first name. The former David Festa, competing for the fifth spot in the team’s rotation, is repped by the same firm as Varland, and will toe the rubber as MTV’s Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant Festa going forward. “Huh,” said Baldelli. “Huh.” View full article

As the family prepares to sell the team, outreach to ragamuffins, urchins, and the shabby are expected throughout the preseason. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Viktor Ritsvall As the family prepares to sell the team, outreach to ragamuffins, urchins, and the shabby are expected throughout the preseason. In what is looking likely to be the last spring training of the Pohlad family’s possession of the Twins, the longtime owners are hoping to make it a memorable one. “They want to give back to the community of fans that have supported them through thick and thin, especially the rabble and the little people,” said a source familiar with the Pohlads’ thinking. “That’s why they’re letting a poor throw out the first pitch of spring training.” Multiple sources indicate that the team is currently vetting prospects for the honor. Criteria are said to include: Are they filthy ragamuffins? Do they rent instead of own? Did they go to an Ivy or attend a lesser land-grand university? Have they ever hunted their fellow man for sport? Do they know not to look their betters in the eye? “It really shows the family's commitment to lifting up the wretches and unwashed for a moment, a moment for which these unwashed will no doubt be grateful,” said the source. “I can’t imagine the excitement for other laborers as they watch one of their own hurl the first pitch of the year, clad in a threadbare shirt and ‘blue jeans,’ I think they’re called?” This is said to only be the beginning of what the family is calling a “More for the Lessers Celebration.” Other initiatives in the spring-long program are unconfirmed, but rumored additions include: Let Your Vile Urchins Run the Bases. “We hope to let the bastards and guttersnipes take the field and run around the base paths,” said the source. “We’ll then set the field ablaze and salt the earth to make sure no one gets fleas or lice from the wastrels.” Free Hose Water. “All spring long, we hope to have one faucet hooked up with a simple garden hose behind the outfield wall, out of view of the good people,” said the source. “The unclean can use this for drinking and bathing as their hovels and rat-strewn tenements are unlikely to have that luxury.” 24/7 Apology Station. “Confession is good for the soul,” said the source. “Apologizing to your betters for your shabby appearance and siphoning our tax monies for public education, food shelves, and other catastrophes is always welcome. This will be located behind home plate.” Minnesota takes on Atlanta at the Lee Health Sports Complex at 12:05pm central time on Saturday. Image license here. View full article

Symptoms include shortness of breath, hopeless optimism, and persistent, underlying sadness. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Solen Feyissa Symptoms include shortness of breath, hopeless optimism, and persistent, underlying sadness. Although it’s hardly a deluge, the pace of the Minnesota Twins’ offseason activity has picked up noticeably. And while this comes as a delight to a fanbase starving for news, local hospitals say that fans should be aware of the downside risks. “We’re advising every Twins fan to stay off the internet, limit their time listening to podcasts and sports talk, and engage with non-baseball activities,” said Katy O’Connor, a spokesperson for the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. This recommendation comes on the heels of three Twins fans being hospitalized with what O’Connor calls “Ty France Fever,” named after the former Seattle Mariners All-Star who signed a one-year deal with the Twins earlier this week. “When you’re a fan of a team that has done less than nothing for month after month after month, it’s common for you to overreact to the slightest bit of news,” said O’Connor. “That includes signing a first baseman who can’t field that you hope can start hitting again. If you find yourself writing 1,200 words in a chat room about France ‘finding his swing’ and being a potential team MVP, you need to go straight to the emergency room. You are in danger.” Symptoms of Ty France Fever include shortness of breath, hopeless optimism, and persistent underlying sadness. If left untreated, it could lead to bleeding on the brain and, in the worst-case scenario, starting your own podcast. “We had a similar situation develop in the year 2000, when the Twins signed Butch Huskey,” said O’Connor. “A desperate fanbase, conditioned by years of ineptitude and miserly spending, saw a free agent who was entirely cooked and said, ‘Hey, maybe we’ve got something here.’ They didn’t. They very much didn’t. So many people died.” All three patients are expected to survive and return to posting on Twins Daily in the next week. Image license here. View full article