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'I thought it was about dingers. It was not.” Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Passe When Minnesota Twins Communications/Marketing/PR Director Dustin Morse put the call out on social media for Target Field sing-a-long suggestions, it seemed like a fun idea for audience participation. “This kind of filth has no place in the public sphere, let alone Target Field,” said Tom Halden, director of communications for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. “I am disgusted.” That was just one of a flurry of outraged statements from civic and religious leaders after Wednesday afternoon’s sing-a-long to Sexyy Red’s “Pound Town.” The song, which documents the artist’s pursuit of a romantic partner in explicit, hyper-specific detail, rang out between the 5th and 6th innings to the shock and horror of many in attendance, especially the families who were at the park for Impressionable Children’s Day. “My oldest asked me what [EXPLETIVE] on my [EXPLETIVE] meant,” said Angie Radtke, a fan who attended the game with her husband and three children. “I was too shocked to say anything, so Tanner started Googling it on his iPad. I’ve never seen his eyes get that wide. The Twins have a lot of explaining to do.” As for how such a provocative song made its way to the Target Field sound system, there are more questions than answers. “We’re conducting an internal review and will not be commenting on an ongoing investigation,” said the team in a prepared statement. An employee in stadium operations, who requested anonymity to comment freely on the incident, said that he was ultimately at fault. “OK, here’s the truth: I’m so, so tired of ‘Mr. Brightside,’” said the employee, referencing the 2004 Killers hit that’s frequently been used for audience sing-a-longs. “Anything would be preferable, even what looks to be my likely termination. When I checked Dustin’s social media mentions and saw that someone called 'PrimeShooterHunt' requested ‘Pound Town,’ I went with it. I thought it was about dingers. “It is not. It is very much not.” With no home games until next Friday, the team has time to choose a more appropriate song. “After Wednesday’s unfortunate incident, we’re performing due diligence on our next song,” said a front office source. “Also, in case anyone was wondering, ‘Baby Got Back’ is not about backs. “Butts. It’s about butts,” the source added. Image license here. View full article

In another universe, a universe just like ours, the Metrodome was never torn down. Target Field was never built. This is a story from that universe. Image courtesy of Flickr/Bradley Johnson Hope springs eternal. Except for your Minnesota Twins. On a gorgeous April day, the local nine dropped their seventh consecutive home opener under a Teflon sky, falling 8-1 to the defending AL West champion Portland Devil Rays before an announced crowd of 11,341 at the MyPillow Metrodome. The winless Twins (0-6) join the Chicago White Sox and the Kansas City Royals of Kansas as the only major-league teams without a 2024 victory. Minnesota’s No. 1 starter, Randy Dobnak (0-2), couldn’t find his groove, surrendering four runs in 3 2/3 innings of work. The team’s unproven bullpen continued to struggle, with a towering three-run blast from Portland’s Shohei Ohtani off Jorge López putting the game well out of reach. It was the third home run allowed in as many games for the embattled López, who entered the season as the team’s closer and highest-paid player. An anemic Twins offense could only manage one run off Rays starter Justin Verlander, a solo home run from DH Kennys Vargas that barely cleared the Circuit City Baggie in right field. New Twins manager Toby Gardenhire said he’s as frustrated as the fans are. “Obviously, coming off another 100-loss season, you want to put your best foot forward,” said Gardenhire. “It stinks. It’s not a question of effort, we’ve just got a lot of young guys who need to grow up fast.” The dwindling fan base is restless as well. “It’s the same old, same old,” said Twins fan John Bonnes. “They can’t get out of their own way, and it’s 70 degrees outside. Why would anyone show up?” Bonnes hosts the Minnesota Sports Geek podcast, which is perhaps best known for its former co-host, Aaron Gleeman, now awaiting sentencing for his part in orchestrating millions of dollars in Beanie Baby fraud. Bonnes says it’s not easy being a Minnesota fan of any sport these days. “The Twins are cellar dwellers. The Vikings just won a second Super Bowl in San Antonio to rub salt in the wound. The Timberwolves made the finals for Seattle last year. The United are still playing out in Blaine, hoping to get that MLS team. The only club worth a damn is the Wild, and ever since they moved to Duluth, the Twin Cities are a sports wasteland. It’s the reason KFAN switched to all-religious programming. I miss when Reverend Meat Sauce talked sports.” The team’s continued floundering comes amid Minneapolis Mayor Josh Hartnett’s most recent attempt to revive the city's desolate North Loop, which would include an open-air stadium behind the Déjà Vu nightclub, the only open business in the struggling neighborhood. Twins team owner, U.S. Vice President Mike Lindell, was traveling to promote President Trump’s Make The Purge Real Act and could not be reached for comment on the team’s rough start. Minnesota and Portland are back at it on Saturday afternoon, when Andrew Albers (0-1) will take on Zack Littell (1-0). The first 5,000 fans in attendance will receive a commemorative There IS Smoking in the Metrodome ashtray, honoring the 2021 Supreme Court decision that made smoking bans illegal. Image license here. View full article

From the first pitch to postgame fireworks, each team does something special to recognize the first day of baseball. Image courtesy of Flickr/pingping The pageantry. The pomp. The horse poop. Opening Day brings special sights, sounds, and smells to all 30 ballparks each spring. Let's take a tour of the league's treasured traditions. AL CENTRAL Detroit Tigers: Instead of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” fans sing along to Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” during the 7th-inning stretch. Cleveland Guardians: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the old, racist mascot actually honored Native Americans. Chicago White Sox: Every fan re-states their allegiance to Baphomet, the Prince of Hell and Satan’s Liege. A lamb is slaughtered at second base. The godless Chicago White Sox then take the field for one of this year’s 105 losses. Kansas City Royals: Arguing about the best pre- and-post-game BBQ options leaves dozens slathered in sauces and slaw. Minnesota Twins: The giant inflatable milk jug from the Metrodome is drained, to provide Joe Mauer with his yearly supply of whole milk. He has one of those Bobby Bonilla lifetime contract things. AL EAST New York Yankees: They can rot in hell, I don’t care. Boston Red Sox: Same. Good job on being more annoying than the Yankees. That should be impossible. Tampa Bay Rays: Posting their yearly payroll on the scoreboard while fans cheer the thriftiness and frugality. Toronto Blue Jays: Something Canadian, probably? I’m not really sure what they do up there. A bag of all-dressed chips for the first 10,000 fans, let’s say. They’re really good. I’d go to that game. Baltimore Orioles: Each fan receives a commemorative Billy Ripken “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] Face” baseball card. They also can go to the left-field concourse and call Ripken that to his face. “I hate this, I wish this wasn’t happening,” says the former major leaguer. “Why do they make my children watch? Why is Cal (Ripken’s brother) yelling it so loud?” AL WEST Los Angeles Angels: Everyone in attendance feels kinda bad for Mike Trout again. Oakland A’s: The 73 remaining fans get food poisoning from the helmet nachos. Seattle Mariners: A nude, disoriented Jay Buhner throws out the first pitch. He wasn’t asked to do so. Also it’s midnight and he’s in your mud room. "Tell 'em The Bone sent ya," he shouts as he wanders into the cold, moonless night. Texas Rangers: A raucous sellout crowd comes to the collective realization that “Defending World Series champion Texas Rangers” is too weird of a concept to wrap your arms around and leaves before the 3rd inning. Houston Astros: Team officials admit that it’s still super messed up that Houston is in the American League. “It insults decency and the idea of a loving God,” they say in a statement read aloud in lieu of the National Anthem. “The universe is cold and indifferent to our suffering.” NL CENTRAL Chicago Cubs: Local youths run the bases after the game and attempt to find Ron Coomer in the outfield ivy. If he’s not found, that means it’s another 108 years before the next Cubs World Series title. St. Louis Cardinals: Celebrating another year as the fan base most likely to have something deeply wrong in their crawlspace. Also the Clydesdales. Milwaukee Brewers: Fans select the July date when they all agree to quit paying attention to baseball because of a Packers intrasquad scrimmage. Cincinnati Reds: The first 5,000 fans receive Johnny Bench’s Johnny Benches, a small, red bench for people to use in their bathroom while waiting for the person using the toilet to do their business. “Celebrate one of the game’s all-time greats while looking someone dead in the eye as they relieve themselves,” according to the team’s website. Pittsburgh Pirates: The team’s Smoke a Cigarette with Kent Tekulve Day is widely criticized once again for not having an age requirement. NL EAST Atlanta Braves: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the Tomahawk Chop actually honors Native Americans. Twenty miles away, the team breaks ground on another new stadium even farther from Atlanta. New York Mets: Sickos and pervs from all five boroughs get horny for Mrs. Met again. Philadelphia Phillies: Attempts to combat the stereotype of the brutal, vulgar Philadelphia sports fan go awry when the Opening Day Salute to Senior Citizens Holding Adorable Kittens is held on the same day as a baffling “Free Dozen Eggs for Absentee Fathers” giveaway. Washington Nationals: They admit the old Expos logo was straight fire and apologize for moving the franchise in both French and English. Miami Marlins: They bring the weird home run sculpture back for children to hit with bats, lead pipes, loose rocks, etc. “Soon it will die, as all things must,” says a team spokesperson. NL WEST Los Angeles Dodgers: The ceremonial setting of money on fire. They’ll get more, it’s fine. San Diego Padres: Annoying dudes remind unimpressed dates that the team colors are the same as McDonald’s because Ray Kroc used to own them. A bully gives them a swirlie later. San Francisco Giants: Honoring the victims of Opening Day 2018, when a misguided promotion for the film The Meg released a bunch of sharks into McCovey Cove, turning canoeists and kayakers into chum. Arizona Diamondbacks: Reminding the rest of the world that they were the other team in the World Series last year, and that it’s possible for long-suffering franchises to make an improbable postseason run. Colorado Rockies: Except for the Rockies. Image license here. View full article

‘I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy.’ Pitching is inherently an injury risk. The human body is not meant to do that. That’s why the news this week that Jhoan Durán, Caleb Thielbar, and Anthony DeSclafani would all start the season on the injured list (and in DeSclafani’s case, potentially stay there all season) disappointed many, but surprised few. Except for Logan Vandiver, an absolute load from Cottage Grove. “Here’s the deal: I thought if we traded Jorge Polanco, we’d get a pretty sweet starter out of the deal,” said the 37-year-old moron. “I know DeSclafani was banged up a lot last season, but I figured that would give him time to rest and recuperate.” The complete fool, who works in logistics for a local food service company, said he was equally taken aback by Thielbar’s bad hamstring. “I’m about the same age as Caleb,” said the dullard. “My hamstrings are just fine. I work out a couple times a week, go golfing in the summer, never had an issue. I know it’s not striking out the other team’s best left-handed hitter 20 years after high school, but I’m sound as a pound.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bozo also expressed surprise that Durán, MLB’s hardest thrower in 2023, could strain an oblique muscle. “OK, he’s a reliever, so that’s just a couple dozen pitches every two or three days at most,” said the sweet summer child. “If he was a starter, sure, only like Nolan Ryan and Justin Verlander throw that hard that often. But I guess I was wrong.” Friends say Vandiver’s credulous, dumbstruck ways have impacts on his own life as well. “At minimum, he’s fallen for three multi-level marketing schemes in the last two years,” said Gina Urquhart, a longtime co-worker. “He is sitting on a garage full of yoga pants and supplements that don’t work.” For his part, the simple, cornfed rube swears he didn’t see this coming. “I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy,” said the sap. Image license here. View full article

The new Twins Pass Plus feature helps fans connect with the former All-Star and perform critical maintenance and upkeep. Image courtesy of WEBN-TV The 2024 Twins Pass went on sale Thursday, allowing fans standing room access to every Twins home game (minus the opener) for $59/month. For the first time, this fan-favorite deal also included a $20/month upgrade called Twins Pass Plus. Purchasers get all the benefits of the basic deal, with the added benefit of helping former Twin and Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven manage the Evergreen Arms apartment complex in Mounds View. “Two of the greatest thrills in life are Twins baseball and suburban property management,” said a front office source. “Getting to experience both with a legend like Bert? It’s the kind of hands-on experience real fans will want to be a part of.” Ticketholders will be able to help Bert deep clean carpets, fix appliances, collect overdue rent, and perform other light maintenance. “Lots of homeowners want to develop their do-it-yourself skills, rather than paying a so-called expert to fix something,” said the source. “What better way to learn how you can snake out a hopelessly clogged toilet than with two-time World Champion Bert Blyleven? He might have been the one who clogged it! Except replace ‘might have been’ with ‘absolutely was.’” Some fans are skeptical. “Why would I want to do that,” said Laney Greenway, 51, of Savage. “Where’s Mounds View,” said Pete Sorney, 35, of Osseo. “Is it a real city, or one of those like Andover where everyone says it’s real, but no one can tell you where it is on a map because it’s a deep state psy-op? The people have a right to know. What was your question?” So far, sources in the season ticket office say no one has purchased the upgrade. “It’s still early,” said a season ticket representative with knowledge of the situation. “The announcement just came out, there’s a lot of stuff going on in town this weekend, and…” The rep paused, looked around to make sure there was no one else listening, and continued. “And let’s say when we had all that TV money, we bought a bunch of property to flip, only we didn’t pay attention to what we were buying, and this is just one of the places that desperately needs fixing up, only now we’re out of money. Let’s just say that. And let’s just say if none of these so-called fans ponies up, we’re just going to make it part of the $59 level, and everyone’s going to spend their nights and weekends answering noise complaints.” View full article

The four-year-old mare would be the first horse in MLB history. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Engin Akyurt With Anthony DeSclafani’s health a question mark and Louie Varland potentially earmarked for St. Paul, the Minnesota Twins might need a fifth starter as Opening Day looms. Unsigned big names like Blake Snell would be obvious solutions, but Minnesota’s self-imposed price controls make that unlikely. With three weeks left to make the call, one dark horse candidate has emerged. And that’s not a metaphor. Chestnut, a four-year-old mare from Anderson Stables in Belle Plaine, Minn., is on the radar as a budget-minded stopgap, per multiple sources. “She has stunning haunches and a great attitude,” said a front office source. “The power she can generate if we can teach a horse to throw is off the charts. Real potential to miss bats and pound the strike zone.” “There’s no rule that says a horsey can’t play baseball,” said a source familiar with President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey’s thinking. “We did a word search in the rule book and everything.” Some are skeptical of the team’s plan. “Horses don’t have hands,” said a member of the team’s training staff who asked not to be identified. “Hooves are not hands. It’s incredibly important to realize that horses have hooves.” “Horses can’t throw,” said a member of Minnesota’s analytics department. “You can’t coach them up to throw a baseball or hold a bat. They’re horses.” The front-office source scoffs at the “neigh” sayers. “No offense to the analytics department, but at the end of the day, the games are played on the field, not a spreadsheet. You know where horseys spend a lot of time? Fields. You know where they don’t? Math class.” Chestnut’s link to the Twins first became known when she was seen walking through the clubhouse after Minnesota’s victory over Boston on Wednesday. “There’s not a ton of room in there after a game with all the players and media,” said LaVelle E. Neal III, Star Tribune columnist. “And now there’s a horse. And it just took an incredibly fragrant dump in the middle of the room. That said, (former Twin Bert) Blyleven did that too, and he’s a Hall of Famer.” The team doesn’t expect to make a final decision for another week or two, but it’s clear that Chestnut has the upper hand. That is a metaphor, as she does not, in fact, have hands. “Budgets are tight, Chestnut would sign for the league minimum, and instead of a team car, one of our staffers could just ride her back home from the game,” said the front office source. “Can you imagine how exciting that would be, riding a Twin home on 394?” Image license here. View full article

Officials called the team-building exercise ‘misguided’ and ‘very painful.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Joshua Coleman The monotony of spring training can test veterans and rookies alike. Twins manager Rocco Baldelli alleviated the boredom these past few seasons with an Egg Toss Challenge, as groups of two teammates competed to be the last duo with an uncracked egg. Hopes to build on this initiative ended in chaos and a parade of ambulances on Thursday, as the team’s inaugural Sharp Knife Toss sent 17 Twins and multiple onlookers to the hospital. Remarkably, none of the wounds proved fatal, and all are expected to make a full recovery, much to the surprise of eyewitnesses. “As the gleaming blades whirled through the hot Florida morning, the sun reflecting on polished steel, it was frankly breathtaking,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “Then the screaming began.” “They were trying to catch these knives with their gloves,” said Twins fan Ross Umansky. “Which most of them did. Some of them winced right away; the rest howled in agony when they removed the knife and literal geysers of blood burst forth.” As the knives landed with soft, squelching thuds, the novel team-building exercise quickly became a stress test of the Lee County EMT Service, as emergency vehicles soon swarmed the blood-soaked parking lot. “Frankly, I don’t know how anyone wasn’t more seriously hurt,” said Lee County Director of Health Frank Towers. “Byron Buxton was there. You’d think 4-6 knives would have hit his knee alone, but he didn’t even get stitches.” Witnesses say the worst part of the incident was on the return throw. “I think the carnage would have been more limited if we weren’t dealing with some of the most competitive athletes in the world,” said Hayes. “Despite the gaping wounds, every one of them threw the knife back. Unfortunately, the searing pain lessened their accuracy, and what I can only describe as a hailstorm of knives soon skewered the attendees. John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.” In a statement, Baldelli denied the knife toss was his idea, and asked that people focus on more important matters, like Phish playing The Sphere in Las Vegas on April 18th, when the Twins have a scheduled off-day. Baldelli asked for “good weather vibes” so the team doesn’t have to play a make-up game that day. Image license here. View full article

Beloved mascot working overnights amid Twins budget constraints. Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa Joe Pohlad made waves on former TV celebrity Jason DeRusha’s AM radio show this week, putting in no uncertain terms that the Minnesota Twins were not interested in landing any of the remaining “big name” free agents. It put an exclamation point on the team’s off-season budget cuts. While the criticism from media and fans was almost unanimous, it didn’t change the fact that the Twins were moving forward with “right-sizing” operations. Those moves extend to employees who aren’t on the roster as well, with mascot TC Bear taking a significant pay reduction for the 2024 season. “TC Bear improves the ballpark experience for children and families alike,” said a front office source. “But when there aren’t games taking place, there’s no value add there. When funds are tight, hard choices need to be made. TC is a team player, and we appreciate his willingness to work with us as we confront these unprecedented fiscal challenges.” Target Field sources say the team had initially put TC Bear to work inspecting the stadium’s heat lamps, but the fake bear-man’s fur kept catching fire. “The stink of burnt fur was staggering,” said a custodian who asked not to be identified. “It hasn’t smelled that bad here since Hrbek’s ventilation gave out during Dollar Bean Burrito Night.” With the franchise unable to find consistent off-hours work for him, TC Bear has picked up an overnight shift at a local foundry to make ends meet at home. “I wish he wouldn’t wear the costume here,” said shop foreman Kyle Davis. “It’s incredibly dangerous. He’s a hard worker, but the hazards are profound. “Also, he talks about needing to support his ‘cubs.’ They’re human children. Don’t call them that. You’re not a real bear. It’s so troubling.” Sources say the mascot’s lack of sleep contributed to the now notorious incident at TwinsFest, where an agitated TC Bear chased Louie Varland with a tire iron at the Impressionable Children’s Autograph Hour, demanding the Twins pitcher “show him some [EXPLETIVE] respect” before listing the ways he would perform certain acts on both Varland and his family that were described as “grimly erotic” by horrified onlookers. TC Bear was unavailable for comment. View full article

‘The unprecedented aerodynamics make every player feel like a champion,’ said a Fanatics spokesperson. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Dalton Smith There’s one major storyline out of the first week of Spring Training, and it has nothing to do with the players. It’s their clothes. Multiple players are raising questions about the new uniforms, courtesy of Nike and Fanatics, with complaints about texture, length, fit, lettering, and more. The new Twins uniforms may only add fuel to this fire. “The first thing I noticed is that the jersey is really thin,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Then I realized I have no place to put my arms.” Teammates and media members covering Spring Training confirmed that the Twins’ uniforms arrived in Fort Myers not just sleeveless, but without apertures for the players’ arms. A Fanatics spokesperson denied this was an error when speaking to the media on Thursday afternoon, and said it was bleeding-edge sportswear meant to improve velocity. “Waving your arms about creates significant drag and slows you down,” said the rep. “The unprecedented aerodynamics of these new uniforms make every player feel like a champion.” When asked how players could be expected to pitch, hit, or field under these conditions, the rep pointed into the middle distance and exclaimed, “Look! It’s Sammy Hagar!” When reporters pivoted to look for the former Van Halen lead singer, they only saw Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar. Upon turning back, the spokesperson could be seen making a dead sprint toward a nearby holding pond. “I’ve never seen anyone move that fast in camp,” said Betsy Helfand, Twins beat writer for the Pioneer Press. “Maybe Buxton before the injuries. Or that one time we told (the Star Tribune’s) Phil Miller there was an unattended hazy IPA with a pillowy mouthfeel and fruit-forward aromatics in the visiting dugout. There wasn’t one, but he moved like a gazelle.” For their part, the team says they are trying to adjust to the new look. “I hate this,” said Twins shortstop Carlos Correa. “This is a hospital gown with embroidery,” said Twins pitcher Louie Varland. “If you sweat in it, it disintegrates,” said Twins second baseman Edouard Julien. "It burns the skin." Image license here. View full article

One is a veteran rock star. The other is a veteran baseball player. It’s easy to get confused here in Twins Territory, but this Twins Daily exclusive guide will help you be a smarter fan. Image courtesy of Flickr/ANSPressSocietyNews The Twins signed free-agent first baseman Carlos Santana to a one-year deal this week. Almost immediately, a bunch of wisenheimers and jackanapes began making jokes about Santana bringing his guitar with him, due to the 38-year-old veteran sharing a name with the legendary rock guitarist. While we here at Twins Daily appreciate good humor, there’s no time for jokes with spring training just around the corner. It’s important for every fan to know the difference between Carlos Santana the baseball player and Carlos Santana the rock star. That’s why we created this handy guide to help you be a better, smarter fan. Played much of his career with Cleveland, has also had stints with Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Seattle, Philadelphia, and Milwaukee: This Carlos Santana. Played on the Grammy-winning 1999 hit “Smooth,” by Santana ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Has 301 career home runs: This Carlos Santana. Had a real home run with “Smooth,” the 1999 Grammy-award winning collaboration ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Will make $5.25 million this year: This Carlos Santana. Will make $5.25 million in royalties this year with his melodic, tasteful guitar licks on 1999’s “Smooth,” a duet with Matchbox Twenty’s Rob Thomas: The Other Carlos Santana. 2023 Walk-Up Song was “El Trote,” by Rochy RD and Yanco Bars: This Carlos Santana. 2023 Most Streamed Song that has Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty in a featured role was “Smooth,” by Carlos Santana ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Uses wooden instrument to create joy by hitting dingers: This Carlos Santana. Uses wooden instrument to create joy by playing his smash 1999 single “Smooth,” ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. Distance from the midday sun is 93 million miles: This Carlos Santana. Distance from the midday sun is seven inches (fairly described as “a hot one”), as noted in the first verse of “Smooth,” a collaboration ft. Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty: The Other Carlos Santana. All-Star Game participant (2019): This Carlos Santana. All Star Grammy participant (1999): The Other Carlos Santana. Did not collaborate with Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty on “Smooth,” his 1999 comeback single: This Carlos Santana. Did collaborate with Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty on “Smooth,” his 1999 comeback single: The Other Carlos Santana. As you can see, there are a whole lot of differences between these two superstars! And remember, if you need a handy mnemonic device to tell them apart, think TOWERS ART CRITICS: The One Who Excellently Recorded Smooth, A Rob Thomas Collaboration, Really Isn’t Twins Infielder Carlos Santana Let's don't forget about it. View full article

‘Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money, folks.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Sigmund The Minnesota Twins freed up some much-needed free agency money this week, thanks to the Jorge Polanco trade. But the real key to overcoming the franchise’s self-imposed offseason austerity could be in that can of Diet Coke you’re holding. “When we greenlit Operation Walking Distance for our employees, we frankly didn’t know what to expect,” said a front office source. “Asking people to rifle through all the blue bins in their neighborhood on recycling day for aluminum cans is a lot, especially after the budget cuts put an end to Pizza Fridays. But our team stepped up.” Operation Walking Distance was introduced before the holidays, encouraging all employees, from players to Target Field custodians, to gather aluminum cans for cash value. “I was very skeptical at first,” said an employee in the team’s analytics department. “But once those bins are on the curb and the sun goes down on Chanhassen, it’s wide open. Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money on every street and cul-de-sac, especially the house down the block with all the Coors Light empties.” That home’s owner, Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman, declined to comment beyond saying that, “The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer inside is cold, which is awesome. Silver bullets, brother.” Despite the danger of trespassing or being mistaken for a thief, a team source said there have only been a few incidents of violence. “We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. That’s on mom and dad’s insurance, and shattered pelvises heal fast when you're young.” Sources also say that an Inver Grove Heights family found Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers rummaging through their recycling bin, captured him, and grew to like him so much that they’ve adopted him and named him Butch. “He gets treats whenever he doesn’t make on the carpet,” said one source. “He’s still more of an outdoor catcher, but they let him inside on cold or stormy nights.” Although a final tally on the total money collected is unconfirmed, a team accountant said they now have enough to take a player and his agent to Chipotle or Panera Bread. “Just water with your meal, Rockefeller,” added the accountant. Image license here. View full article

An op-ed about the latest news from Cooperstown by classic North Metro ignoramus Tom Hanson. Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports (Note: This piece from Anoka resident Tom Hanson has been edited for clarity, punctuation, and to remove potentially actionable threats against the President, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, and the National Weather Service.) I bet a lot of you are happy that Joe Mauer got into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. Congratulations…not! Excellent job on being a useful idiot for The Deep State, losers. I’ve written at length on why Joe Mauer is a Worst Ballot Hall of Famer. No need to rehash all the reasons here, but anyone who isn’t biased by the public record knows the truth. Patriots like Curt Schilling and Omar Vizquel are left in the cold, while the $23-million double play machine gets to hang out in Cooperstown. Much like 9/11, this inside job distracts us from the real enemy: Statistics. Anyone who has dealt with lawyers, ex-wives, and the lawyers representing his ex-wives can tell you, statistics can be used for almost anything, none of it good. And when a God-fearing American says that Kim’s request for child support doesn’t pass the critical eye test, the activist judge tells you to quiet down, pull out your checkbook, and put your shirt back on. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Now, you might say that the votes are in and tabulated, it’s a done deal, Tom. Hogwash. As any lover of freedom knows, only certain votes should be counted. For example: If Mike Pence hadn’t been afraid to do the right thing, I can tell you right now that gas would be $1.29 a gallon and Joe Mauer would be in jail for defrauding season-ticket holders. What needs to happen, then? Simple. Throw out the corrupt DEI ballots with Joe Mauer on them. Tally the correct ballots. There’s your class of 2024. Even if a showboating hothead like Adrián Beltré gets in, gamers and grinders like Billy Wagner, Mark Buehrle, David Wright, and Todd Helton, real lunch-pail guys, stand a chance. You may think that’s easier said than done, but unlike Mauer, I’m not afraid of a little hard work. If enough of my fellow patriots join me in Cooperstown on July 21st, we can make our voices heard. Unless that battle-axe Kim makes me watch my rowdy stepson Kody that weekend because “he needs a dad in his life.” The faceless bureaucrats at his middle school say the same thing after every time he makes another bomb threat. Sick of this. View full article