RandBalls Stu

Authorities say a gang of mischievous youths are responsible for the savory crime. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Evangelos Mpikakis Authorities say a gang of mischievous youths are responsible for the savory crime. One of the selling points for Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey was his role in creating Cleveland’s seemingly endless supply of young, inexpensive, high-quality starting pitchers. The hope? That Falvey could replicate the pipeline of affordable, team-controlled excellence in Minnesota. With a rash of second-half injuries threatening the team’s rotation and playoff chances in a competitive American League, this week was the time for the Twins to turn its version on. What emerged instead was a flood of what team sources are calling “scrumptious and creamy” ranch dressing. The Twins' pitching pipeline, built to transport starters and relievers between Target Field and the team’s Triple-A affiliate in St. Paul, soaked players and staff in the tangy white goo when the pipeline was opened on Wednesday morning. “We called up Louie Varland to pitch versus K.C. that afternoon,” said a front office source. “We heard a rumbling in the pipe around 7 am and opened the hatch to take a look-see. There was Louie, followed immediately by what we estimate were thousands and thousands of gallons of delicious, high-viscosity ranch dressing.” Authorities say a gang of mischievous youths are responsible for the savory crime. “Stealing Kias and Hyundais is old news,” said a police source, referring to a string of car robberies inspired by TikTok videos. “The kids these days just want to do pranks with dipping sauces now. They go to Costco and restaurant supply stores to get their sick kicks. Rosedale’s food court is still closed because somebody filled it with honey mustard. Everything is sticky.” The pipeline was constructed by the Pohlad family with scrap metal from one of their many business interests. It’s used to save money on Green Line fees, rideshare costs, and gasoline. “We’ll be asking all Twins fans to stop by Target Field on Friday with celery, baby carrots, crudites, flats, and drummies to help us get rid of the remaining fluid,” said a Twins PR source with knowledge of the team’s thinking. “It’s still about hip deep in the clubhouse.” This story also took an unfortunate turn on Wednesday evening, when pitcher Josh Winder was accidentally eaten by his Saints teammates after being sent back to St. Paul for Varland. “He was delicious,” said a Saints clubhouse source. “He’ll be missed.” Team historians say this is the most ranch dressing to flood the Twins clubhouse since Kent Hrbek’s ill-fated Cold Tub Full o’ Ranch promotion in 1993. Image license here. View full article

‘Should be back to posting thirst traps in no time.’ Image courtesy of © John E. Sokolowski-USA TODAY Sports ‘Should be back to posting thirst traps in no time.’ Joe Ryan’s excellent 2024 season took a major hit on Wednesday, when he immediately left Minnesota’s 8-2 loss to the Chicago Cubs in the third inning with what was termed “right triceps tightness.” Despite the dire initial reaction, team sources said it might not be as bad as it looked. And while there has been no follow-up diagnosis from the team, much less a timeline for his return, team physicians are optimistic that his good looks and guy-who’s-a-good-hang vibe will be largely unaffected by the injury. “Even if this injury were severe enough to require a season-ending surgery, his easygoing charm is still going to turn the most strong-willed person into an absolute goon,” said Dr. Yvonne Isham of Kaiser Permanente. “Those eyebrows are undefeated. My God. My God. I need to spend a minute alone, honestly.” Ryan has proven to be an essential part of the Twins rotation in 2024, both in performance and reliability. A prolonged absence would put Minnesota’s playoff hopes in jeopardy, and further highlight their offseason stinginess and trade deadline inactivity. “The key thing to focus on is, will he be able to post ‘goofy guy on his old bike’ photos to social media,” said Dr. Isham. “That’s the fundamental question. If he’s out until Labor Day, that’s bad news for the team, but he should be back to posting thirst traps in no time.” With David Festa already in the rotation for the injured Chris Paddack, the team’s options appear to be Louis Varland, Randy Dobnak, and potentially Zebby Matthews. Physicians agree that they can manage to hold the line but are incapable of replacing Ryan’s smoldering je ne sais quoi. “On the right day, any of those guys can give you 5-6 innings and let the offense do the rest,” said Dr. Adam Kovacs, chief resident at M Health Fairview’s Children’s Masonic Hospital. “But can any of them post a picture of them holding a puppy and make you want to risk it all? It’s out of the question.” The Twins hope to get more clarification on Ryan’s injury in the next few days. They return to action with a doubleheader against the division-leading Cleveland Guardians on Friday. View full article

The first 10,000 fans in attendance will receive nothing. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alexander Grey The first 10,000 fans in attendance will receive nothing. While much has been written about the Minnesota Twins’ relative inactivity at the trade deadline and during the 2023-24 offseason, very little has been said about the financial benefits they’re reaping. “Even with the lack of television revenue and lower attendance than we projected, the numbers are in the black,” said a source in the Twins financial department. “If we hadn’t frozen all corporate credit cards indefinitely, we’d order cake and ice cream.” The team will recognize this achievement before Sunday’s game with the godless Chicago White Sox, where they will raise a banner recognizing what they’re calling “The 2024 Financial Prudence Championship.” “We had some leftover fabric from our ‘Quilting with Coom’ promotion*, so we just had a couple interns sew up a new banner,” said the source. “Didn’t cost us a dime.” The team slashed payroll in the offseason and refused to part with the prospects and/or salary it would have taken to add a much-needed starting pitcher before the Jul. 30 trade deadline. And management is ready to celebrate this victory. “Some bloggers complain about our spending, but that’s their job,” said a front office source. “The rabble, however, they love it when we spend within our means. The teeming, unwashed masses know that you need to run your ballclub like a business. Championships are temporary; long-term financial prosperity for the deserving endures. The little people in the stands might have only gone to public school, but they understand that, and we’re so happy to celebrate with them.” The first 10,000 fans in attendance on Sunday will receive nothing. The Pohlad family, with wealth valued at $3.8 billion, is said to be ecstatic with the numbers. “Joe (Pohlad, Twins Executive Vice President, Brand Strategy & Growth) is over the moon,” said a person familiar with the Pohlads’ thinking. “He’s so happy that he’s letting all his manservants take Sundays off through September, so long as they find someone to cover their shift.” *Quilting with Coom was an ill-fated collaboration between former Twins All-Star Ron Coomer and Jo-Ann Fabrics. Due to ongoing litigation, neither party is commenting on the matter. Image license here. View full article

‘We want fans to share their enthusiasm and, more critically, their income,’ said a source. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Samuel Regan Asante ‘We want fans to share their enthusiasm and, more critically, their income,’ said a source. The Minnesota Twins are in a bind. Despite an excellent chance at another playoff bid, the team needs a starting pitcher, and possibly a lefty reliever. But with TV revenue slashed, attendance numbers below projections, and ownership’s self-imposed frugality, the money just isn’t there to add payroll in a trade. Unless you step up. The Minnesota Twins announced the formation of a GoFundMe for the upcoming trade deadline. With a goal of $10,000,000, the team hopes they can raise enough capital to add a pitcher or two by July 30th. “We want fans to share their enthusiasm and, more critically, their income,” said a front office source. “Can you imagine having a crucial late-season start being made by someone you helped pay for? It gives all our fans some real skin in the game.” Starter Chris Paddack won’t be back until after the deadline. With no guarantee that he’ll be both healthy and reliable in August and September, adding another arm to the rotation is a clear priority for a team in both the division title and Wild Card conversations. “Sportswriters and bloggers talk about buyers and sellers, and it sounds so exciting,” said the source. “Twins Territory should be a part of that conversation. With their checkbooks, to be specific. We have disabled comments on the fundraising page. Please, no more comments.” With Tuesday just four days away, the fundraiser is off to what a source close to team ownership admits is a “soft” start. “We’re currently sitting at $65. All the donations so far appear to be ironic or accidental.” For local fans wary of online banking, the team also has a RBC Wealth Management Trade Money Bucket set up by Gate 7 at Target Field. Although no funds have been deposited, nearby residents have observed it being used as both an ashtray and emergency toilet. If a trade doesn’t materialize and the money goes unused, all donations will be used to cover standard maintenance and cleaning of the marble and gold toilets at various Pohlad houses, lake homes, penthouses, villas, cottages, cabins, manors, country estates, island getaways, and retreats. Image license here. View full article

Partisans of the wretched, unlovable team return to their hideous lives this Friday. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund Partisans of the wretched, unlovable team return to their hideous lives this Friday. The godless Chicago White Sox had abysmal expectations heading into 2024. They spent the season’s first half unable (and some would argue unwilling) to clear even that low bar. Owning a 27-71 record and sitting a staggering 32.5 games out of first place, the South Siders are a masterclass in incompetence and sorrow. They don’t play baseball, so much as discover new ways to defile it. Ugliness is their gift, and every day is Christmas. While it’s fair to question why anyone would watch this woebegone collection of anti-talent, the vanishingly small fanbase of criminals and perverts still exists, and they’ve truly enjoyed this respite from the trebuchet of misery. “I woke up on Tuesday without feeling like this invisible weight was on my chest,” said Thom Broderick, 41, of Joliet, Ill.. “At first, I thought it was the sweet release of death, but then I realized it was the All-Star break. As someone who will spend many more years in jail for arson and insurance fraud, it was a welcome change from my normal routine.” “It’s been so refreshing,” said Susan Galovich, 33, of Oak Lawn. “Usually, when I get done with a day of cold-calling senior citizens to steal their banking information, I settle in to watch the White Sox get flattened again. This week I’ve just been more in the moment, more present. I go to Home Depot, buy appliances with a credit card that isn’t mine, and stay one step ahead of the law.” Fans say that this temporary relief is somewhat tainted by the knowledge that there are still months to go before the season ends. “I’m enjoying it, but I know it can’t last,” said Henry Subkoviak, 53, of Berwyn. “You can always ignore the phone calls of debt collectors, the wife you abandoned for your secret other wife, or the secret other wife you abandoned for her sister, but there’s always another White Sox game. There’s not a burner phone in the world that can keep them from blowing another quality Erick Fedde start. And trust me, I know from burner phones.” The White Sox resume play Friday night in Kansas City, in defiance of God’s will. Image license here. View full article

‘What’s Joe doing, mama?’ Image courtesy of Flickr/Austin Kirk ‘What’s Joe doing, mama?’ Local parents and guardians (the regular kind, not the weird Cleveland kind) expressed concern this week, as a video clip surfaced of Minnesota Twins pitcher/smokeshow Joe Ryan going to town on his nether regions with a container of talcum powder in the dugout. “I was watching the game with my two young sons, and they cut to the dugout after Carlos Correa hit a dinger,” said Karly Hill, a Lino Lakes mother and former LuLaRoe leggings tycoon. “He’s high-fiving his teammates and then they cut to another Twin exploring all the possibilities of his body. Skyler looked at me and asked, ‘What’s Joe doing, mama?’ I didn’t have an answer. Then he and Weston ran to the refrigerator and started putting ketchup and mustard down the front of their pants, saying, ‘I’m Joe Ryan! I’m Joe Ryan!’ The Twins have a lot of explaining to do.” “Listen, I get it, you gotta take care of yourself down there during the summer,” said Chad Leeman, a single father in the Annandale area. “Things get tropical in a hurry. But have some awareness of your surroundings. If you’re hammering away like it’s parmesan cheese at Olive Garden, that’s fine, but maybe step into the other room?" Experts say that if your child has questions about the incident, the best thing to do is distract them with other things. “Listen, there’s just no way you can delicately approach the subject of swamp ass and chafing with a young child, especially a boy,” said Abigail Goodloe, a child psychologist at the University of Minnesota. “They’re just going to hoot and holler for a week, then hurt themselves on a skateboard. What you need to do is say, ‘Hey, let’s go to Dairy Queen.’ Buy them something that makes noise. Show them a TikTok of a toilet that talks in a baby voice. You have no choice.” Neither Ryan nor the Twins are commenting on the situation, although a team source expressed surprise that multiple fans found the game on television. Image license here. View full article

The most feared entities in Twins Territory reveal their plans for Minnesota’s prized prospect, other players. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Nathan Cima The most feared entities in Twins Territory reveal their plans for Minnesota’s prized prospect, other players. One would think piling another injury upon Royce Lewis would be enough to satisfy The Injury Gods in their ceaseless vendetta against the Minnesota Twins. One would be wrong. Per sources close to Jontu of the Poison Wind, Cnathol the Endless, and other timeless beings, the promotion of blue-chip infield prospect Brooks Lee has roused a sense of “playful urgency” in them. “They saw how many Twins fans were relieved that the team had a potentially viable replacement for Lewis,” said the source, who asked not to be named for fear of pitiless wrath. “The usual ‘woe is us’ wasn’t there, and it definitely moved the needle. “To be clear, that is not a metaphor. It’s a very sharp needle used for suffering. Hurts like the dickens.” While there is no specific plan of action yet, the sources say the Gods are considering any number of potential injuries to Lee, the team’s top draft pick of 2022. “A fireworks mishap is timely given the holiday, but the weather may not cooperate,” said the source. “That’s when you look elsewhere for hurtful things. I know there have been discussions of dropping a piano on someone, because no one drops a piano these days. Real throwback pain.” Another source indicated that Lee’s punishment may have to wait, as the Gods deal with problems in the Twins rotation. “Joe Ryan is playing real well and he’s a smokeshow,” said the source. “An outbreak of acne so severe that the oozing affects his vision and causes fans to pelt him with rocks and garbage is very likely in the coming days.” When asked if the recent surge from oft-injured Byron Buxton was an example of the Gods getting soft, sources strongly denied this notion. “Do mortals not get that we give them things as a treat, only to snatch it away once again,” said a source familiar with Jontu’s thinking. “It’s so easy to lead you guys on. There’s going to be a malfunctioning sprinkler head in the outfield, Buxton will trip on it, and there’s a month with a busted toe and a trade for Jake Cave. Simpletons.” The Twins open a series with the Houston Astros Friday night at 7:10 pm, Cnathol permitting. Image license here. View full article

"There’s no way their record can be that good. We’ll get to the bottom of it." Image courtesy of Flickr/Erik Drost "There’s no way their record can be that good. We’ll get to the bottom of it." In a rare show of bipartisan unity, the U.S. House and Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to put an indefinite halt to all Cleveland Guardians baseball activities. This move comes after a nationwide groundswell of demand for Congress to do something about the AL Central-leading Guardians, who have the best record in the American League despite not having anyone on their team you could pick out of a lineup. “You check the standings and see Cleveland’s record is 51-27,” said Twins Daily’s Nick Nelson. “It’s a red flag for anyone who cares about the integrity of the game. They have José Ramírez. That's it. Something's wrong.” “We are going to figure out what is going on with those nasty little freaks,” said Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar (D). “It’s unconscionable that we’ve let things get this far, frankly.” In addition, the National Guard is being called in to prevent players and fans from accessing both Progressive Field in Cleveland and any away game stadiums on the Cleveland schedule. “I know some local fans might be upset with me for calling in the Guard,” said Ohio Governor Mike DeWine (R). “But doing the right thing matters. And need I remind them that Cincinnati is in Ohio, too, and way more fun anyway? Just watch Elly De La Cruz launch bombs instead of whatever collection of castoffs and goblins Cleveland trots out.” “They have a better record than the Yankees,” said Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth (D). “They have a better record than the Orioles. They’re basically tied with the Phillies. None of it makes sense. Those teams are fantastic. Cleveland is just, you know, Cleveland.” “There’s no way their record can be that good,” said Klobuchar. “We’ll get to the bottom of it.” The investigation is expected to last 3-4 weeks, during which Cleveland’s record will probably improve anyway, for one simple reason. “We live in a fallen world,” said Nelson. Image license here. View full article

‘He’s so good. He’s so fun. His smile makes me want to be a better man.’ Image courtesy of Flickr/Jorge Gonzalez ‘He’s so good. He’s so fun. His smile makes me want to be a better man.’ Unlikable Chaska man Barry Daniel finds himself at a crossroads. In the past, he’s been able to mount spectacularly annoying and disingenuous arguments about Minnesota sports and athletes with ease. From “Joe Mauer fakes concussions for sympathy” to “The Minnesota Wild logo is quality design work” to “It should be harder to watch Twins games on television, Bally Sports North is doing the right thing,” he’s a true pest. So why can’t he hate Royce Lewis? “It should be so easy,” said Daniel, wearing a fedora at the mall for some reason. “He’s hurt a lot. He made a bad throwing error that led to a loss this week. But…” Daniel’s voice trailed off to barely a whisper. “He’s so good. He’s so fun. His numbers through the first 80 games of his career are insane. His smile makes me want to be a better man.” Daniel, who thinks Twitter is better now that there are Nazis and pornography in everyone’s mentions, knows this is against everything he stands for. “When I told all the women at work that their right to vote was a mistake because it wasn’t what the founders intended, it came so easily,” said Daniel, who has never known love. “But if I try to say that Royce Lewis is overrated, I choke up. I don’t know what the problem is.” Daniel hopes that the second half of the season provides more clarity. “Like I was telling the entire waitstaff at Texas Roadhouse the other day, I supported the Twins slashing payroll, because that just means the remaining players work harder. And with the wild card a real possibility, I need to have someone to blame if they fall short. So-called analysts will look at the lack of another front-line starter or left-handed power hitter, but me? Built different. It’s because (Carlos) Correa’s overpaid, or (Jhoan) Duran should throw slower.” Daniel fishes for the keys to his Cybertruck and concludes: “The thing is, I hear myself say ‘Royce should have known his role and taken a backseat to Kyle Farmer, a real gamer,’ and I can’t even keep a straight face. I’m miserable. This sucks.” View full article

Longtime Minnesota Twins mascot leaves a trail of blood and fur as new uniforms land this weekend. Image courtesy of Adam/Flickr Longtime Minnesota Twins mascot leaves a trail of blood and fur as new uniforms land this weekend. The Minnesota Twins rolled out their 2024 City Connect jerseys this week, to generally positive reviews. The multiple shades of blue with some yellow and subtle pink accents were certainly a departure from the team’s traditional red-and-blue mix. One negative review came from an unlikely source: TC Bear, the team’s animal/human hybrid mascot, who went on a hate-fueled rampage, leaving dozens mauled and injured. A police source says that when the uniforms were delivered to the team clubhouse, the mere sight triggered what some are calling “bloodlust” in the pretend bear, as he began clawing and clubbing anything and anyone nearby. “I don’t know if it was the colors or the design, but something about the uniforms clearly set TC off,” said the source. “It’s remarkable that no one was more seriously hurt.” TC Bear’s ire seemed trained itself on local media, who were in the clubhouse at the time for the reveal and to gather player reactions. “His eyes went almost completely black, like a doll’s eyes,” said a source on the team’s training staff. “But he seemed laser-focused on going after the beat writers, rather than the players.” “He eyed up Willi Castro pretty good, but when he saw (MLB.com’s) Do-Hyoung Park taking notes next to him, he was just a blur,” said a member of the coaching staff. “TC picked Do up and threw him like a javelin.” Despite the journalist-shaped impact crater, Park escaped serious injury. “I was on Jeopardy!,” said the sportswriter. “Twice.” TC continued mauling his way through the interior of Target Field before lumbering out of the park and into the North Loop neighborhood, where he was finally sedated with the help of an unlikely hero. “The fake man-bear was on the back patio of Cuzzy’s throwing some bros from Target corporate around like rag dolls,” said an eyewitness. “Then (The Athletic’s) Aaron Gleeman approached him and put his neck fan over TC’s shoulders. I could hear him say, ‘Sleep, friend. Sleep.’ He was out like a light, just like that. “There is no greater friend to wildlife or humankind than Aaron Gleeman.” TC is being held in a dimly lit Roseville warehouse for further observation from a team of mysterious doctors. The Twins will debut their City Connect jerseys tonight versus Oakland. Image license here. View full article

A partial list. Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports A partial list. File this away for his future canonization campaign--and let's hope that's the next time he becomes a Saint. Broke a 20-year playoff victory drought. Displayed competence in Yankee Stadium. Executed perfect zipper merge in rush hour traffic at the 94/494/694 interchange in Maple Grove. Even gave a little wave to other motorists. Turned water into refreshing Gatorade. Tamed a feral TC Bear with the power of song, saving the life of a terrified Steven Okert. Tamed a feral White Sox fan with the power of song, turning her into a productive member of polite society with a job and a 401(k). Missed Paul Skenes in the rotation this weekend. Found a Twins baseball game on cable television. Convinced his other friends in the group chat not to bully the one friend who is an Android user. Went to Target and purchased exactly what he needed and nothing more. Folded a fitted sheet and a duvet cover without swearing or starting over. Had a conversation with my dad that didn’t mention the Minnesota Vikings or the weather. Tried CrossFit, enjoyed it, but didn’t make it his whole personality. Same thing with vegan food, IPAs, Stanley tumblers, and distance running. Gets hurt nearly as much as Byron Buxton but doesn’t have every insurrection uncle in Lino Lakes mad at him for being soft. Rather than cutting a piece off and leaving an even smaller piece, finished the last donut in the box in the office kitchen. Doesn’t get weird about the WNBA, Caitlin Clark, and hard fouls. Turned Jurassic Park into a safe, profitable, family-friendly resort with zero security hiccups. Finds value in both statistical analysis and more traditional scouting. Can name all the Prime (Twins Player Last Name) accounts on Twitter and rank them on a scale from Weirdest to Still Weird but Less Troubled. As foretold by the Bene Gesserit, Royce is the Lisan al Gaib, the Kwisatz Haderach, the last Duke of House Atreides, our last, best hope in the epochal war versus House Harkonnen and/or the Cleveland Guardians. Tell the Pope to stay close to his saint-making thingy. (Though let's wait and see how Jurassic Park plays out over a slightly longer timeframe first.) View full article

‘People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.’ Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports ‘People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.’ While most of the conversation surrounding Joe Ryan has been around his excellent start to 2024, there’s an undercurrent occupying the office hours of actuaries, underwriters, and healthcare professionals: Should the health impacts of the Twins pitcher’s smoldering good looks be covered under your employer- or goverment-sponsored insurance plan? Most major insurers now say yes, as Minnesota-based UnitedHealth Group joined Aetna, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and Kaiser Permanente on Thursday in covering Joe Ryan-based health incidents. “My dude is a smokeshow,” said Dennis Hurlburt, a spokesperson for UnitedHealth Group. “That devil-may-care gleam, the perfectly imperfect facial hair…it’s no wonder people enter what can best be described as a fugue state and drive their Honda Civic right through the garage. Geico’s not paying for that.” Much like other preventive care procedures (like physicals, mammograms, and cancer screenings), getting lost in Joe Ryan’s dreamy eyes will be covered 100%, at no cost to the policyholder. Industry reform advocates say this is a step in the right direction. “You might be going about your day, working on your spreadsheets or running the ham slicer at Jersey Mike’s, then boom, Minnesota’s number-two starting pitcher is top of mind,” said Gina Zinner, a patient advocate for the Minneapolis VA. “You imagine yourself running your fingers through his tousled hair, talking about your favorite Led Zeppelin albums. Next thing you know, a month of P&L statements or your ring finger are gone. Something needed to be done. “People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.” Neither the Twins nor Ryan had any comment on the decision, but a team source said they are reconsidering their Joe Ryan Holds Your Hand and Makes Direct Eye Contact With You While You Talk About Your Complicated Relationship With Your Father promotion in late July. “He has kind eyes,” said the source. “It’s too much. It’s just too much.” View full article

The cased meat sits down with Twins Daily to talk about its humble beginnings, its rise to fame, and its controversial social media posts. Image courtesy of Cloverdale Foods Company The cased meat sits down with Twins Daily to talk about its humble beginnings, its rise to fame, and its controversial social media posts. One of the few constants in a roller-coaster 2024 Twins seasons is Tangy, a Cloverdale-brand summer sausage that has become a rallying totem for Minnesota. In an occasionally contentious interview, Tangy addressed its beginnings, its place in the locker room, and its rumored relationship with a budding pop star. Edited for length and clarity. Twins Daily: Thanks so much for taking time out of your schedule to chat with us. Tangy: No, thank you. Love the work your site does. TD: First of all, what makes you Tangy? Tangy: It’s a proprietary spice blend that’s added to the grind during production. You’re going to get some salt, pepper, garlic powder, etc. But the rest is what sets me apart. TD: Do I detect fennel? Tangy: I’ll never tell, wink-wink. TD: Haha, yes. Anyway, when did you realize you’d gone from a humble sandwich/meat-and-cheese board staple to an integral part of this baseball team? Tangy: No doubt, it’s when I bonked Carlos Santana in the head. You always worry about how millionaire athletes will handle getting pelted with meats and other foodstuffs. To his credit, Santana was unfazed. He’s a veteran. Said that Larry Bowa once threw an entire pot roast at him because he thought he didn’t hustle out a grounder. TD: I know this is an uncomfortable subject for you, but your current appearance— Tangy: I know where this is going, let me have it. TD: Well, you look a little worse for wear. Tangy: Dude, I look like hell. No need to sugarcoat it. TD: But at the same time, you smell…OK? Not like a field of lilacs, but given your current visual state, I’m not running out of the room. Tangy: I’m shelf-stable! The preservatives (Cloverdale) pumped into me to keep me delicious might as well be from BALCO. I’m indestructible, buddy. TD: You kind of smell like a gas-station Subway. Tangy: One of those ones that’s the only thing on the Nebraska interstate for the next 40 miles? And there’s a trucker sleeping in one of the booths? TD: Exactly. Tangy: Yeah, I get that. TD: OK, I need to ask you about some of your social media posts. Tangy: Oh, here we go. I thought Morse (Twins PR maven Dustin Morse) said we wouldn’t be talking about that. TD: Given that your most recent Instagram live post said you were unafraid to answer any questions, I can’t imagine anything is off the table. Tangy: Typical “gotcha” journalism. Sad, really, I expect better from Twins Daily than for you to try to cancel me. TD: Well, if you’re going to say, as you did last week, that, and I quote, “Bologna is just summer sausage that was homeschooled by an idiot,” people are going to react. Tangy: There’s not one word of that that isn’t true. TD: People like bologna! Tangy: They also liked The Macarena. Trends don’t last. Summer sausage does. TD: You characterize bologna as trendy? Tangy: Brother, go to one of those Fancy Dan restaurants that call their sandwiches “handhelds” or some crap. They’ll have an $18 artisan bologna sandwich with house-made gouda. Good luck finding an honest, working man’s protein like summer sausage on the menu. TD: Fair enough. Before I let you go, would you care to address the rumors connecting you to pop star Sabrina Carpenter? Tangy: We’re just good friends. TD: When you were pictured together backstage at Saturday Night Live on their season finale, it got people talking. Tangy: Lorne (Michaels, longtime SNL producer) invited me. Big fan of the show, big fan of Sabrina. You’re not going to get me to say anything else. It’s both irrelevant and frankly no one else’s business. TD: Thank you for your time. Tangy: This is why no one trusts the media. Just creating something out of nothing. Sick of this. Morse is going to hear about this. View full article