RandBalls Stu

‘Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money, folks.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Sigmund The Minnesota Twins freed up some much-needed free agency money this week, thanks to the Jorge Polanco trade. But the real key to overcoming the franchise’s self-imposed offseason austerity could be in that can of Diet Coke you’re holding. “When we greenlit Operation Walking Distance for our employees, we frankly didn’t know what to expect,” said a front office source. “Asking people to rifle through all the blue bins in their neighborhood on recycling day for aluminum cans is a lot, especially after the budget cuts put an end to Pizza Fridays. But our team stepped up.” Operation Walking Distance was introduced before the holidays, encouraging all employees, from players to Target Field custodians, to gather aluminum cans for cash value. “I was very skeptical at first,” said an employee in the team’s analytics department. “But once those bins are on the curb and the sun goes down on Chanhassen, it’s wide open. Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money on every street and cul-de-sac, especially the house down the block with all the Coors Light empties.” That home’s owner, Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman, declined to comment beyond saying that, “The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer inside is cold, which is awesome. Silver bullets, brother.” Despite the danger of trespassing or being mistaken for a thief, a team source said there have only been a few incidents of violence. “We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. That’s on mom and dad’s insurance, and shattered pelvises heal fast when you're young.” Sources also say that an Inver Grove Heights family found Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers rummaging through their recycling bin, captured him, and grew to like him so much that they’ve adopted him and named him Butch. “He gets treats whenever he doesn’t make on the carpet,” said one source. “He’s still more of an outdoor catcher, but they let him inside on cold or stormy nights.” Although a final tally on the total money collected is unconfirmed, a team accountant said they now have enough to take a player and his agent to Chipotle or Panera Bread. “Just water with your meal, Rockefeller,” added the accountant. Image license here. View full article

An op-ed about the latest news from Cooperstown by classic North Metro ignoramus Tom Hanson. Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports (Note: This piece from Anoka resident Tom Hanson has been edited for clarity, punctuation, and to remove potentially actionable threats against the President, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, and the National Weather Service.) I bet a lot of you are happy that Joe Mauer got into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. Congratulations…not! Excellent job on being a useful idiot for The Deep State, losers. I’ve written at length on why Joe Mauer is a Worst Ballot Hall of Famer. No need to rehash all the reasons here, but anyone who isn’t biased by the public record knows the truth. Patriots like Curt Schilling and Omar Vizquel are left in the cold, while the $23-million double play machine gets to hang out in Cooperstown. Much like 9/11, this inside job distracts us from the real enemy: Statistics. Anyone who has dealt with lawyers, ex-wives, and the lawyers representing his ex-wives can tell you, statistics can be used for almost anything, none of it good. And when a God-fearing American says that Kim’s request for child support doesn’t pass the critical eye test, the activist judge tells you to quiet down, pull out your checkbook, and put your shirt back on. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Now, you might say that the votes are in and tabulated, it’s a done deal, Tom. Hogwash. As any lover of freedom knows, only certain votes should be counted. For example: If Mike Pence hadn’t been afraid to do the right thing, I can tell you right now that gas would be $1.29 a gallon and Joe Mauer would be in jail for defrauding season-ticket holders. What needs to happen, then? Simple. Throw out the corrupt DEI ballots with Joe Mauer on them. Tally the correct ballots. There’s your class of 2024. Even if a showboating hothead like Adrián Beltré gets in, gamers and grinders like Billy Wagner, Mark Buehrle, David Wright, and Todd Helton, real lunch-pail guys, stand a chance. You may think that’s easier said than done, but unlike Mauer, I’m not afraid of a little hard work. If enough of my fellow patriots join me in Cooperstown on July 21st, we can make our voices heard. Unless that battle-axe Kim makes me watch my rowdy stepson Kody that weekend because “he needs a dad in his life.” The faceless bureaucrats at his middle school say the same thing after every time he makes another bomb threat. Sick of this. View full article

'We’re trying to meet potential business partners where they are. Also, it’s free to put stuff on there.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Greg Bulla With spring training less than a month away, the Minnesota Twins face more than a few outstanding questions: Will they sign one of the remaining “big-name” free agents? Will the rumored trades happen? Who is the starting center fielder? Perhaps most importantly: How is anyone going to watch the games? Wednesday’s news of a potential deal between Amazon and Diamond Sports Group notwithstanding, the team moved forward with their next attempt to find a TV and streaming home on Thursday, placing the team’s broadcast rights on Facebook Marketplace. “We’re trying to meet potential business partners where they are,” said a front office source. “The almost infinite reach of the world wide web is a potential game changer. Also, it’s free to put stuff on there and we have no budget at this time.” A source with knowledge of the front office’s thinking said the idea took root after Twins President Dave St. Peter sold a couch and love seat for $200 on the platform. “The love seat was in good shape, but someone clearly spilled wine or spaghetti sauce on the couch,” said the source. “Dave got $200 for them, and the buyer and her burly sons picked them up the next day! He was high-fiving people for a week. “We’re hoping to see that kind of return here. Lots of people have microphones now because they thought they were going to start a podcast. Maybe they have cameras, one of those white vans with a satellite dish on it, and a per diem budget for talent. You don’t know. Only one way to find out.” Sources say this is the first time the Twins have used Facebook Marketplace since they posted a “free to a good home” offer for a gently-used Alex Wimmers in 2017. Image license here. View full article

‘I was in the prospect zone and it just slipped out. I really did it this time.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Irene Strong It began, as these things often do, with an attempt at a compliment. Keri Jones-Youngblood had finished off a frenetic afternoon of putting out fires at her job, going to the gym, picking her son Alex up from school, and stopping to grab some dinner. Her husband, local baseball writer Mike Youngblood, had just spent the entire day working from his home office, compiling a massive list of intriguing spring training prospects for the Minnesota Twins. The words he’d been using to describe those prospects were still whirling about his brainpan—velo, lift, plus-plus, contact, fringy, upside. And one more. As Jones-Youngblood entered the front door in workout gear, with a positively buzzing kindergartner, her purse, her laptop bag, and two medium pizzas, Mike couldn’t help but be impressed. “Man, you sure are toolsy,” he exclaimed. “I was in the prospect zone and it just slipped out,” said Youngblood. “I really did it this time.” One witness says the quiet that followed was “eerie, like right before a bad summer storm rolls in.” “Keri doesn’t really follow baseball, a lot of the lingo just flies over her head,” said another witness, recalling how badly it backfired when Mike asked if Keri was down with OFP. “Even if you explain that ‘toolsy’ is praise, it still sounds like, well, whatever a layman would think it sounds like.” Jones-Youngblood set her personal effects down on the counter, grabbed the good pizza (pepperoni, mushroom, and green olives), and went to the couple’s bedroom, closing the door firmly. The theme from TV’s Gilmore Girls could be heard from within. Mike and Alex ate cheese pizza at the kitchen table, with Alex asking if he could watch Bluey on his tablet while Mike stared into the middle distance. Sources say his best way of rectifying the situation will be to attend her work happy hour next Thursday, when they celebrate her co-worker Jan’s 50th birthday. “Keri straight-up hates Jan and needs a minimum of two glasses of wine to keep up appearances,” said a source familiar with Jones-Youngblood’s thinking. “If Mike sits there sipping on a Diet Coke, nods along to Jan’s boring stories about going to Cabo, and handles all the driving, he has a real shot at recovering from this.” Image license here. View full article

“If we can find someone who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Mark Bowman As the big (and not-so-big) names in MLB free agency continue finding homes, the Minnesota Twins have done the bare minimum. And they’re leaning into it. “You sickos produced an extraordinary amount of content over Josh Staumont,” said a Twins front office source, referencing the wealth of blog posts, podcasts, and social media conversation about the former Kansas City Royals reliever. “Josh Staumont! He’s not even getting a million dollars! Incredible.” The team expects similar clamor over Thursday’s claim of starter-turned-reliever Ryan Jensen from Miami. “It’s a low-risk dart throw,” said the source. “Frankly, I’m embarrassed for anyone who’s covering it. I expect those freaks at The Athletic to devote 5,000 words to it. The Strib will put it above the fold, unless one of the Vikings gets a DUI while driving a school bus. Dance, piggies, dance. Here’s your slop! Eat! Eat!” The source says the team is relishing the challenge to make even more marginal moves, just to see how much coverage they can get. “Three main goals this offseason: cut payroll, make smart trades, and get you goobers to listen to every minute of a two-hour podcast about what A.J. Alexy brings to the table,” said the source. “If we can find a guy who’s playing beer-league ball in Modesto, rest assured, we will sign him and watch you weirdos go nuts.” Twins media sources were, by and large, reluctant to comment on the situation on the record, but most begrudgingly admitted that they have little choice but to obsessively cover the most minor transactions while other teams take big swings. “It is what it is,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “I was on Jeopardy,” added MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. Image license here. View full article

“Gabe has really grown into his role with the club. He is also the only person working this week.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Csaba Balazs The first Minnesota Twins free agent signing of the offseason was not quite the spectacle that Shohei Ohtani’s was. Or Carlos Correa’s. Or, well, name a baseball player. Still, given the team’s inactivity and self-enforced payroll caution, any signing is newsworthy. Which means the team needs a hype video about new reliever Josh Staumont to post on social media. Which means even a real drag like 21-year-old intern Gabe Westergaard becomes useful. “Like a lot of people, our PR employees take the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, or are on call in case something big happens,” said one front office source. “Signing a 30-year-old reliever coming off major surgery--whom the Royals didn’t even want, for less than seven figures--is what it is, but it’s not going to lead SportsCenter. That’s where even an absolute chud like Gabe comes in handy.” Westergaard, a junior at St. Thomas, has struggled adapting to his role, per multiple sources. “Spilled coffee on his new laptop on the first day, and it went downhill from there,” said a source familiar with the team’s thinking. “Keeps calling (Twins President) Dave St. Peter ‘Davey boy.’ Only drinks protein shakes, which makes him noticeably gassy in close quarters. “We had an employee happy hour at The Loon right before the holidays and he kept ordering these drinks called ‘trash cans.’ Threw up all over Dick Bremer, said ‘Sorry broski, puke and rally, am I right’ and kept pounding them before we put him in an Uber.” (Bremer was unavailable to confirm or deny the incident, but his son Erik said that his father’s time at SCSU would make such an event unremarkable.) Despite these missteps (and, equally, because of them), Westergaard has been charged with creating the promotional footage and media assets for the newest Twin. “Gabe has really grown into his role with the club,” said another front office source. “He is also the only person working this week.” With the introductory press conference set for Saturday, Westergaard is expected to deliver the finished product by EOD Friday. Sources say the creative process has been “challenging” so far. “He asked (Twins Vice President of Communications) Dustin Morse how much he should reference the situation in Gaza,” said a source in the team’s analytics department. “That was a very short conversation. Also, whatever a ‘Skibidi Toilet’ is, it’s apparently part of the TikTok rollout.” When reached for comment, Westergaard would only say that the content would be “gas.” Image license here. View full article

What can a single fan do to get the hot stove cooking? Twins Daily explores the possibilities. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Julien L The current Twins regime has gained a deserved reputation for being deliberate in their offseason maneuvering, letting the big names go off the board, seeing how the dust settles, then hitting the trade market and scouring for bargains and reclamation projects. This drives otherwise normal fans absolutely bananas. Everyone’s doing stuff, but we’re just here getting nostalgic about Emilio Pagán. Despite knowing better, the impulse to demand action is hard to avoid. And that’s OK. You should be passionate about your favorite team. Here are some productive ways for Twins fans to encourage the franchise to start making moves for 2024. Go to Target Field every Wednesday at 5pm. If you someone working in the company store or a custodian, yell “LET’S GO, C’MON NOW” at them for one minute. They will be confused, but will appreciate your enthusiasm. Flood beat writers with questions on social media and email. Although some of the journalists covering the team have a reputation for being short with people, they love nothing more than hundreds of fans asking the same questions about payroll and trade targets. Have a conspiracy theory? Even better! “I love these interactions,” says The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. At least I think that’s what he would say. Smack your TV or computer monitor on the side when you’re watching MLB TV. Maybe that’ll knock something loose. It worked for Fonzie. Wear your dumbest Twins merch. Did you buy a Tsuyoshi Nishioka jersey? Get ill-fitting Twins Zubaz as a gift? Have a giveaway hat from a Metrodome-era game with a sponsor that no longer exists? All of these things? This is how you show the universe you will follow this team into hell, and they should make a move to reward your steadfast loyalty. Mutter “Do something already. Man.” Constantly. You’re likely already doing this. Overreact to moves by the Kansas City Royals and Detroit Tigers. Constantly. You’re likely already doing this. “What if Michael Wacha is this year’s Sonny Gray?” Seems unlikely, but that won’t stop you from getting into a good lather about Minnesota’s relative inactivity. Laugh at the plight of the godless Chicago White Sox. Constantly. You’re likely already doing this. It’s good to laugh! Finally, and most importantly: Don’t let it ruin the holidays. The temptation is there. You can let this bug the entire hell of you right into the new year. But don’t. This is what the Vikings are for. Image license here. View full article

Lots of writers and other dweebs are claiming that the former Twins catcher is on the fast track to Cooperstown. Here’s how to know if you’re steamed enough about this. What is your highest level of athletic accomplishment? Played some college Lettered in high school Kicked off JV football team for what are now called “hate crimes” What is your major complaint about Joe Mauer’s career? Didn’t live up to his contract. Should have hit for more power and apologized after every single. Faked all his injuries to spend more time empowering our nation’s enemies and those who would do us harm. How have you expressed your displeasure with Mauer’s candidacy? Frequent internet comments. Handwritten letter to local newspaper. Unsuccessful attempt to burn down Cretin-Derham Hall High School. Are you married? Yes. No. Sheila took everything. No, Obama made straight marriage illegal, as I discuss on my podcast. Who is your all-time favorite Twin? Kirby Puckett Jack Morris Jack Morris, unless Curt Schilling or Ty Cobb played for them and I forgot. How scared of going to Minneapolis are you? Not really. Only go when Kenny Chesney is there, head on a swivel always. Wear tactical Dockers when driving Super Duty from Albertville to Maple Grove. What is the best way to treat a concussion? Rest and time. Play through it. See ball, hit ball. When I was growing up, we didn’t have concussions and you could smoke on airplanes. You could even smack the stewardess on the tush a little bit. Now they won’t even let me back at the Chili’s by my house, because of wokeness. What’s wrong with the kids these days? Too much screen time. Lack of consequences for bad behavior. We need to bring back child labor. Who is your favorite local columnist? Patrick Reusse Joe Soucheray There was a guy who wrote into the Pioneer Press to say the wrong side lost World War II and he made some compelling points. How many times have you been kicked out of a sporting event? Never Once at a town ball game for lighting up the ump. Do you mean this week, or ANSWER KEY: If you responded “3” to any of these, the government is on its way. It’s too late. It’s always been too late. Hail Hydra. Image license here. View full article

“I don’t know how they expect me to pay for that Range Rover when all these RSNs are going under,” said the bum. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonas Kakaroto Tony Hermann is not a major league baseball team. He’s an intermittently-employed contractor who spends beyond his means and is by all accounts a lousy friend, a bad romantic partner, and a worse father. But he knows a good excuse when he sees one. “I saw that the Twins were trimming their payroll because they’re about to be out of $50 million this season,” said the layabout Bloomington native. “Everyone seems to be fine with it. Gotta figure that’ll work for a small businessman like myself who’s just trying to make payroll and remain competitive in today’s economy.” To date, Hermann has told multiple creditors, his second wife, and Land Rover Richfield that he needs to trim his expenses in light of the impending absence of a critical revenue stream. “I don’t know how they expect me to pay for that Range Rover when all these RSNs are going under,” said the bum. “That’s like 20 percent of my projected income. I need to be flexible in this challenging environment, and I expect them to understand. No one’s at fault here, least of all me.” Hermann’s associates are not surprised by this initiative. “He’s a real butthole,” said Tanya Bradford, Tony’s first wife. “You know how he says he’s a contractor? I looked up what that means, and there isn’t a single definition that mentions borrowing money from my grandma to buy a llama farm because they’re the future of protein. “To be very clear, they are not the future of protein, they smell terrible, and they are not going on the Chipotle menu by 2026. They taste like [EXPLETIVE], and now the bank owns the title to a 30-acre llama farm outside of Worthington.” “He’s a true innovator,” said J.D. Lynch, a former business partner. “When we tried to sell all that distressed pork in the Fleet Farm parking lot, he’s the one who said we should say that a percentage went to charity. What was the percentage? What was the charity? That’s the Tony Hermann difference. To this day, I have no idea.” Hermann said the reaction to his latest scam has been mixed. “Apparently, the IRS is too busy ignoring the high crimes of this country’s elites and is choosing instead to threaten me with jail time for an honest misunderstanding over my not filing taxes from the years 2009 through 2022, because of emotional distress,” said Hermann. “Typical big government.” Image license here. View full article

We asked the weirdos and angry loners in Twins territory why they oppose the former MVP’s possible entry into Cooperstown. Here’s what they had to say. Image courtesy of Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports Joe Mauer will make the Hall of Fame. Maybe not this year, but it’s inevitable. Even with injuries marring the latter portion of his career, his peak performance at the game’s most demanding position makes the honor more a matter of when, not if. Still, there’s a small, if vocal, opposition. Poisoned by years of talk radio bluster and rancid internet commentary, these absolute goons will let you know, in no uncertain terms, that Joe Mauer is soft. A loser. A faker. We asked these numbskulls to expand on their now decades-long campaign against reason. This is what they said: Damon Kubesh, Rochester: Sal Butera got a ring. Tom Nieto got a ring. Junior Ortiz got a ring. Joe Mauer got bilateral leg weakness. In case you missed it, that’s not a ring. Gale Stalmach, Comfrey: In my day, you didn’t get concussions. You got your bell rung, shook it off, and kept going. Now everyone’s soft, and it’s because of Joe Mauer. They call it CTE because it’s Communist Twins Excuses, that’s what. Scott Jankowitz, New Prague: I called into KFAN once to tell The Common Man (Dan Cole, longtime afternoon host) what I really thought about Joe Mauer. He hung up on me and started talking about golf. Some people don’t want to hear the truth. Abe Willis, Fridley: Here’s an advanced metric for you: Don’t hit singles when you’re making $23 million a year. These nerds who say he was underpaid when he was hitting all those dingers should take their spreadsheets and calculate why every Twins beat writer has me blocked on Twitter. Paul Lang, Minneapolis: I saw on Tik-Tok that we invaded Iraq to get oil money to pay for his contract and that makes him a war criminal. You want me to honor that? Nate Lunde, North St. Paul: I pitched against him in high school. Got him to a 1-1 count before blue started squeezing me, so I piped one down the middle. Let’s see what you got. The home run he hit off me never landed, and not a single person in my life has let me forget it. I hate him. Tom Hanson, Anoka: Much like the patriots who tried to take our country back on January 6, 2021, I’m not afraid to tell people the truth: Joe Mauer should’ve been cut on the first day of spring training in his rookie year. If I knew how to contact my children, they’d tell you I’ve been on the case since day one. When my fourth wife Rhonda gets back from her ceramics instructor’s one-on-one weekend cabin retreat, she’ll tell you the same. View full article

Baseball fans and bargain shoppers, this one’s for you! Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ashkan Fouranzi Whether you hit the mall bright and early this morning or are firmly planted on the sofa with your laptop, there are all manner of Minnesota Twins gift options for the baseball fan in your life. Here are some of the Twins Daily staff favorites: Byron Buxton Authentic Knee Surgery Souvenirs. When doctors went in to clean up the injury-riddled Twins outfielder’s knee this offseason, they found “a lot of stuff” during the procedure, explaining why the lightning-fast Buxton struggled running this season. These items are sealed in mylar and verified by Goldy’s Locker Room, available at their Mall of America store: Bone chips A Missouri license plate 20-sided dice “Mostly full” bag of Big League Chew Car keys, unidentified A Twins Daily Winter Meltdown pint glass Tweezers Your uncle's collection of vintage Playboys Best of Bally Sports Streaming Package Commemorative DVD. Available online and in participating storefront churches, this collection of error messages and test patterns doesn’t work on any player and emits enough low-level radiation to be fatal to most beloved household pets. The Executive Guide to Firing Beloved Employees. Many Twins fans were confused and upset over the removal of longtime Twins play-by-play man Dick Bremer from the broadcast booth. This webinar, available for download from the team’s website, covers the process the decision makers followed, from how they laughed maniacally while doing so as they lit cigars with $100 bills to their plans to replace him with a skateboarder or AI. Ron Coomer’s John Groomers. The former Twins All-Star wants to upgrade your bathroom! He and his fellow 1997 Minnesota Twins will tear it down and build it back up into the powder room of your dreams. Prices are negotiable, but Scott Stahoviak will be sleeping on your couch for the duration of the project. He has some serious food allergies, please be mindful of them. Locate the Family Value Concession Stand Challenge. One of 2023’s most popular Target Field features was the reasonably priced food and drinks at the Family Value concession stands. With the team trimming payroll, offering cheap Budweiser and Pepsi is dangerous to the bottom line, but the PR hit of discontinuing the program makes it difficult to remove. That’s why they’re offering fans the chance to go on a quest to find the new, more out-of-the-way location of the booth, a truck stop in Beach, North Dakota. Tickets cost $50,000. Image license here. View full article

“A lot of analysts stop at 40. Not me. Never scared. Never scared.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Norbert Buduczki The MLB off-season is in full swing, meaning that many writers are updating their top prospects lists for the teams they cover. Trey Larsson is one of those writers. But that’s where the comparisons end. “No one does it like Trey,” said ESPN’s Jeff Passan. “He’s one of one.” “The word ‘maverick’ gets overused, but if anyone can claim that honor, it’s (Trey),” said The Athletic’s Eno Sarris. Those gushing words of praise were only reinforced on Thursday, when Larsson said he would be ranking 41 top prospects this year. “A lot of analysts stop at 40 prospects,” said Larsson. “I get it. It’s a round number. Maybe that 41 scares a typical scribe. Not me. Never scared. Never scared.” “He’s doing 41 this year? Unbelievable,” said Passan. “This is his boldest move since inventing the word ‘toolsy’ in 1995.” “He’s the bad boy of our profession,” said Sarris. “41 prospects! No one does this!” Larsson said his bold decision to expand the top prospects list came down to a couple things. “My shaman Bodhi told me to take the road less traveled, and to welcome the fear that comes with the unknown. Also, 41 is one more than 40.” Larsson’s brash approach and unconventional style has alienated some of his fellow writers. “Trey’s going to show up at the winter meetings in a leather jacket and chat up (professional sports superagent) Scott Boras about going to a sound bath in Sedona and finding his chi,” said a Minnesota Twins beat writer who asked not to be identified. “I respect what he’s done in our industry, but it’s a little much. I was on Jeopardy.” Still, the praise tends to overwhelm the criticisms, and one can understand why when Larsson talks about how he’s going to rank that extra prospect. “I take the available data and analytics, I talk to the scouts, I watch hours of video, and it all coheres into the 40 best prospects. This year, I’m repeating that entire process, then I’m adding the next best guy. 41. One more than 40.” “He’s a madman,” said Passan. “Absolute madman.” Image license here. View full article