TC Bear Picks Up Second Job at Foundry

Joe Pohlad made waves on former TV celebrity Jason DeRusha’s AM radio show this week, putting in no uncertain terms that the Minnesota Twins were not interested in landing any of the remaining “big name” free agents. It put an exclamation point on the team’s off-season budget cuts.

While the criticism from media and fans was almost unanimous, it didn’t change the fact that the Twins were moving forward with “right-sizing” operations. Those moves extend to employees who aren’t on the roster as well, with mascot TC Bear taking a significant pay reduction for the 2024 season.

“TC Bear improves the ballpark experience for children and families alike,” said a front office source. “But when there aren’t games taking place, there’s no value add there. When funds are tight, hard choices need to be made. TC is a team player, and we appreciate his willingness to work with us as we confront these unprecedented fiscal challenges.”

Target Field sources say the team had initially put TC Bear to work inspecting the stadium’s heat lamps, but the fake bear-man’s fur kept catching fire.

“The stink of burnt fur was staggering,” said a custodian who asked not to be identified. “It hasn’t smelled that bad here since Hrbek’s ventilation gave out during Dollar Bean Burrito Night.”

With the franchise unable to find consistent off-hours work for him, TC Bear has picked up an overnight shift at a local foundry to make ends meet at home.

“I wish he wouldn’t wear the costume here,” said shop foreman Kyle Davis. “It’s incredibly dangerous. He’s a hard worker, but the hazards are profound.

“Also, he talks about needing to support his ‘cubs.’ They’re human children. Don’t call them that. You’re not a real bear. It’s so troubling.”

Sources say the mascot’s lack of sleep contributed to the now notorious incident at TwinsFest, where an agitated TC Bear chased Louie Varland with a tire iron at the Impressionable Children’s Autograph Hour, demanding the Twins pitcher “show him some [EXPLETIVE] respect” before listing the ways he would perform certain acts on both Varland and his family that were described as “grimly erotic” by horrified onlookers.

TC Bear was unavailable for comment.