RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Devin Topkin Last Friday, I wrote that Twins fans should embrace their unlikely playoff contention status. Discard the default Minnesota fatalism, don't let stingy ownership spoil the fun, and just enjoy the prospect of competitive baseball for as long as it lasts. So, about that. As the Twins kept getting their brains beat in by the Cubs and then the Guardians, and those playoff odds kept diminishing loss by ugly loss, I tried to maintain some faith. Which is real hard to do when your All-Star starter gives up a gazillion homers in one game to a team that never hits home runs. Wednesday's blowout helped a bit. "You know, if you take out that losing streak where they were outscored 34-9, things don't look that bad," I said to an empty room. Then they got Gavin Williams'ed on Thursday afternoon. As I prepared to write my apology for being a dumb idiot whose mother dresses him funny, however, these goofballs clawed their way to an improbable 3-1 win in 12 excruciating innings. I exhaled, shook my head, and walked around the block. Basically, if you decided to do the tired "same old Twins, same old Minnesota sports" routine, you would still look pretty smart right now (see above, 34-9). That 4-game losing streak made a strong case for parting ways with some veterans and adding some prospects to a promising young core. They looked nothing like the team that had been respectable for a month-plus, which in the American League makes you look like the '27 Yankees this season. But they stole a split on the road against Cleveland. They have some truly dreadful teams coming to Target Field, in the Athletics and Royals. If you choose to maintain some optimism, I will join you. 4-2 feels like the bare minimum for a 6-game homestand. Is it likely? Who knows! But I've got nothing better to do than see what happens. It's too hot to start worrying about the Vikings, anyway. In summation, I still believe because it's more fun that way. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash The facts are the facts. The Minnesota Twins are a legitimate playoff contender. It's weird to read those words about this team. I'm uncomfortable writing them. I'm aware of the flaws. I'm aware the American League is a dumpy little college bar--everyone agrees it sucks and the bathrooms don't work, but the specials are amazing for those who can't afford anything better. (For the purposes of this metaphor, the specials are the Wild Card spots.) This might give you pause. Indeed, it's easy to lapse into Minnesota sports fatalism. It's our reflex position, our muscle memory. They're NOT EVEN .500. In 16 games, they could go 4-12, and Joe Ryan could be a Dodger. Or they could go 10-6, and the Pohlads might say "Uh, we just don't have the money, guys. Sorry about that. We just traded Josh Bell for a Toyota." They're both possible outcomes! But I'm not going to do that. Nor should you. That feeling you're feeling—that I'm feeling, too—is optimism. There is a non-zero chance that this team could make the playoffs. They might even win the division, because if the AL is a dumpy college bar, the AL Central is a dumpy college bar with a kitchen that makes you sick every time you order something that isn't tater tots. And it's in Cleveland, even though you went to school in Moorhead. It's such an unlikely place to land after last year's trade deadline slaughter and the slumbering offseason. None of this should be happening. One of their most critical players is a nepo baby journeyman! You're caught off-guard and don't really know what to do with your hands. Here's what I recommend: Hug this feeling tight to your chest, because you deserve this. You're still following this team, despite ownership not loving it nearly as much as you do. Know going into the next 2-3 weeks that they could break your heart one more time. Accept that, even in the best-case scenario, they'll probably get wiped out in a short, ugly playoff series. But they might not. Think about how wild that is, after all the nonsense you put up with. That's optimism. It doesn't last. It never does. Why not ****ing enjoy it? View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Firmbee.com In a normal season, a team bumping along just under the .500 mark at the All-Star break would not be considered a playoff contender. In fact, they'd be one bad week away from parting with pricy veterans before the August 3 trade deadline. Alas, 2026 isn't normal, and the Minnesota Twins are learning this the hard way. "When we said we expected this team to be competitive and that we'd give them the resources to do so, we sort of didn't think through what would happen if they actually were," said a front office source. "Even in the unlikely event they were around .500, we figured Detroit or Cleveland would be running away with the thing. They're pure diarrhea, as is the American League. Basically, we are screwed." Multiple sources tell Twins Daily that the team is scrambling to adjust to the undeniable reality that they're playoff contenders on both the divisional and Wild Card fronts. The expectations that come with this situation are weighing heavily on team leadership. "I saw Tom Pohlad Googling 'how to buy at trade deadline' on his laptop after we beat Cleveland on Wednesday night," said a person with knowledge of the team's decision-making process. "We're all high-fiving and cheers-ing each other, and he's there grimacing like he's trying to solve the Sunday crossword." "It appears that every option for adding a player involves paying some or even all of their salary," said the front office source. "It's a real buzzkill. Seems like the league should offer some relief if the team is trying their best while the rest of the league is stepping on every rake in the yard." On the other hand, a Pohlad family source confirmed they have no issues parting with prospects to add a player. "A prospect is someone who just costs more money later on. Such a weird baseball phenomenon. Physical assets are supposed to depreciate, like every [REDACTED] office building in our [REDACTED] portfolio has." The source was unable to confirm reports that the Twins are hoping to pay for any acquisitions with mixed-use retail and commercial real estate holdings instead of cash. "Can't comment on that, but God that would be so cool. Please buy our buildings. Please." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Shinya Suzuki The New York Yankees are mired in a seven-game losing streak. The Minnesota Twins, while not setting the world on fire, are keeping the .500 mark in view and are very much in the Wild Card hunt in a weak American League. Could this weekend’s series see a reversal in the Bronx Bombers’ decades-long chokehold on the rivalry? We asked Twins Territory for their thoughts: Butch Perry, 68, Alexandria “I expect the Twins to lead every game going into the 9th inning and to lose by five runs. I realize this is mathematically impossible. It doesn’t matter.” Lee Torgersen, 55, Willmar “It looks like the Yankees are missing Aaron Judge, Max Fried, Giancarlo Stanton and a number of other big names. I expect them to win by 30 the first two games and eke out an 8-run win on Sunday.” Allison Lemke, 41, Albert Lea “My partner and I are going to Home Depot to buy drywall after work today. We anticipate punching and kicking new holes all weekend long, and we both have Monday off to hang, tape, and mud the new stuff. I really like having these travel days to plan ahead for the sadness and rage.” Greg Zanoth, 35, Burnsville “It defies logic and any kind of analysis that the sins of past Twins squads would be visited on the 2026 team. Both the Twins and Yankees are dealing with injuries, the Yanks are really struggling right now, and you could argue the Twins are handling their misfortune better with a league-leading offense. "Oh, that’s right, you said you wanted a prediction. The Twins are definitely getting their heads caved in. Math hasn’t watched the last 25 years of Twins/Yankees. I have.” Darryl Ewing, 49, Minneapolis “I expect the Twins to steal two out of three games in the Bronx and wake up Monday morning to find they were given a red card by Rob Manfred and the two victories given to New York.” Rick Dunhill, 77, Maplewood “I’m already moving on to being mad at the Vikings for drafting J.J. McCarthy.” Colin Boyd, 20, St. Francis “Remember when Jason Kubel smoked that grand slam off Mariano Rivera to beat the Yankees in Yankee Stadium in 2010? Jim Thome was grinning like an idiot in the dugout, Gardy was hopping up and down? Remember that? Yeah, I don’t, I was 4. Everything is bad and I hate it. Yankees by a million and everyone who isn’t hurt gets hurt in a subway accident." View full article

Image courtesy of Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes, announced Thursday that it had been acquired by Silvestri & Bolin Holdings, and would now be known as Jacob Cave. "We've always been a cave for Jakes, and we'll never stop being that," said spokesperson Danyel Greer. "This new chapter will allow us to expand our reach and accept Jacobs as well. It's a brand-new day at Jacob Cave, the cave for Jakes and, for the first time, Jacobs." Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, the former Jake Cave is fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. The rebranded Cave is best known to Twins fans for sharing a name with former Minnesota outfielder Jake Cave, who has been sent there multiple times, much to his chagrin. "Here at Jacob Cave, we provide Jakes and Jacobs in need with the skills, tutoring, and guidance they need to succeed in the modern world," said Greer. "It can be anything from trade skills to English as a second language to calisthenics. Jakes and Jacobs on the margins can re-enter society fully equipped to make their mark on the world." Greer would not comment on the fate of Mecha Jake, the cave's AI robot that has led to a number of lawsuits against the cave and likely led to its sale for below market value to Silvestri & Bolin. "We can't comment on an ongoing criminal investigation," said Greer. "Our hearts are with everyone at the kitten and puppy shelter as they sift through the rubble." Meanwhile, Jake Cave the player is currently on the roster of El Aguila de Veracruz in the Mexican League. Through his agent, Cave said, "I'm never going back there. You hear me? I'm never going back." When asked if Jacob Cave would accept Jakobs with a "k," Greer was resolute. "Jakobs with a 'k" aren't OK," said Greer. "That remains a bedrock company policy. They can get their own damn cave. Laggards and jackanapes, the lot of them. "They can go to hell." View full article

Image courtesy of ©Bob DeChiara-Imagn Images The Minnesota Twins' endless bargain-bin shopping has resulted in precious few finds, but it feels safe to say that acquiring Kody Clemens for cash in April 2025 was an unqualified success. Clemens has played close to every position on the field, hit for unexpected power, and is a clubhouse favorite. Has the thriving journeyman taught the Twins any lessons about scouring for talent on a budget? Maybe it's in the genes. On Thursday, the team announced it was signing Trent Hrbek and Chad Radke, sons of Twins greats Kent Hrbek and Brad Radke, to minor-league deals. Both players will report to Single-A Fort Myers this weekend. "The naysayers will call it nepotism," said a front office source. "We call it building a contender. Part of that is finding talent where others aren't looking." Those naysayers aren't just calling it that, but they're also concerned that the players aren't as they seem. "Neither Hrbek nor Radke have children with those names," said Aaron Gleeman of AaronGleeman.com, a local website for (baseball) perverts. "No photos or stats exist of either player. Also, my friend Dana (Wessel, notorious sicko shock jock at 93X) said he bought a couple fake mustaches at the party store for his quote 'baseball project' unquote. It's obviously one of his dumb bits." Wessel was unavailable for comment. "It's hard for small-market teams like the Twins to compete with the Dodgers and Yankees of the world," said the front office source. "So when someone cold-calls us and says that he's Trent Hrbek, starts laughing, clears his throat, then says that he and his buddy Chad Radke want to help us hit dingers, throw shutouts, and crush beers with the boys just like their dads used to, we'd be foolish not to follow up. "We also have a voicemail from Todd Carew and are performing due diligence." The Twins begin a 3-game series in Arizona versus the Diamondbacks this evening. View full article

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons Twins fans—and even some in independent sports media—are advocating for the call-up of shortstop Kaelen Culpepper, the team's top draft pick from 2024. With Culpepper sizzling-hot for the Triple-A St. Paul Saints and Minnesota in desperate need of even replacement-level play at the position, it seems that his time is coming sooner, rather than later. And with that, your Dad is gearing up to ask you something. "Hey, is that new kid any relation to Daunte?" he plans to ask this weekend or next. The Daunte in question is former Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper, whose well-worn jersey your Dad still occasionally dons on football Sundays. "Remember when Daunte would just fling it up to Moss for a touchdown and get his roll on," he will ask with a faraway look in his eyes, a grin growing on his face. "Sure was somethin'. Good times. Really thought they'd get us a ring." There is no evidence that Kaelen (born and raised in Memphis) and Daunte (native of Ocala, Florida) are even distant cousins, much less close relatives. Your Dad will be undeterred by this. "I hope he doesn't have small hands like Daunte, don't want him bobbling any grounders," your Dad will observe, repeating the old canard about the quarterback's hand size leading to turnovers. You will be torn on whether to observe that Culpepper wasn't statistically more fumble-prone than other starting quarterbacks of his era or that, again, Daunte is not related to Kaelen. By the time you decide, your Dad will have already moved on to how they don't make shows like Band of Brothers anymore. In a vacuum, this would be fine, but it will come in the wake of your Dad finally identifying Orlando Arcia as a current Twin, rather than his brother, former Twin Oswaldo Arcia, during Tuesday's game versus Detroit. "One step forward, two steps back," you will mutter. It's going to be a long summer. Daunte was a two-sport star in high school and was drafted by the Yankees in 1995. You desperately hope Dad has forgotten that nugget for good. View full article

Image courtesy of Lygonstreet/Wikimedia Commons Although it's only the one-third mark of the 2026 season, it seems fair to argue that Joe Ryan is the most valuable pitcher in the Twins rotation. And while any All-Star or postseason recognition will have to wait, Ryan can hang his hat on at least one honor: He looks like he listens to Geese. The American Society of Cool Dads announced Thursday that Ryan is the inaugural recipient of their Professional Athlete Most Likely to Listen to Geese honor. "Through Ryan's choice of entrance music and general look and demeanor, we felt it was a no-brainer that he'd really be into the angular, post-punk guitars and wailing vocals of Geese," said Simon Descartes, a spokesperson for the ASCD. Geese are a four-piece rock band from New York City. Their most recent album, Getting Killed, was one of the most acclaimed records of 2025. There are at least three ongoing backlashes to their success, and two counter-backlashes as well. "You look at Joe and you see a guy who takes his recumbent bike to the farmer's market," said Descartes. "This man clearly has a favorite panel member on (NPR's) Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me. It's frankly a little surprising that he's a professional athlete. He should host a podcast about cryptids." The honor, which comes with a commemorative plaque, a pack of American Spirit cigarettes, a sixer of non-alcoholic IPAs, a thrifted pair of Wranglers, and a Wilco t-shirt that has seen better days, will be bestowed on Sunday evening at one of those bars that's a fake speakeasy and every drink costs 19 dollars. The bartender's name is Thadwick. "We can't be 100% sure that Ryan knows who Geese is, but he uses 'Long Cool Woman' by the Hollies when he takes the mound," said Descartes, who was making his own switchel while doing this interview. "Using a Creedence Clearwater Revival song would have been too mainstream for our liking, but he used a song that sounds exactly like them but isn't them. That's commitment to a certain kind of lifestyle; one we're pleased to recognize." Ryan, who has a 4-3 record with a 3.20 ERA, is slated to pitch Saturday against the Kansas City Royals. Geese will be playing the Minnesota Yacht Club Festival on Saturday, July 18th. View full article