RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons Twins fans—and even some in independent sports media—are advocating for the call-up of shortstop Kaelen Culpepper, the team's top draft pick from 2024. With Culpepper sizzling-hot for the Triple-A St. Paul Saints and Minnesota in desperate need of even replacement-level play at the position, it seems that his time is coming sooner, rather than later. And with that, your Dad is gearing up to ask you something. "Hey, is that new kid any relation to Daunte?" he plans to ask this weekend or next. The Daunte in question is former Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper, whose well-worn jersey your Dad still occasionally dons on football Sundays. "Remember when Daunte would just fling it up to Moss for a touchdown and get his roll on," he will ask with a faraway look in his eyes, a grin growing on his face. "Sure was somethin'. Good times. Really thought they'd get us a ring." There is no evidence that Kaelen (born and raised in Memphis) and Daunte (native of Ocala, Florida) are even distant cousins, much less close relatives. Your Dad will be undeterred by this. "I hope he doesn't have small hands like Daunte, don't want him bobbling any grounders," your Dad will observe, repeating the old canard about the quarterback's hand size leading to turnovers. You will be torn on whether to observe that Culpepper wasn't statistically more fumble-prone than other starting quarterbacks of his era or that, again, Daunte is not related to Kaelen. By the time you decide, your Dad will have already moved on to how they don't make shows like Band of Brothers anymore. In a vacuum, this would be fine, but it will come in the wake of your Dad finally identifying Orlando Arcia as a current Twin, rather than his brother, former Twin Oswaldo Arcia, during Tuesday's game versus Detroit. "One step forward, two steps back," you will mutter. It's going to be a long summer. Daunte was a two-sport star in high school and was drafted by the Yankees in 1995. You desperately hope Dad has forgotten that nugget for good. View full article

Image courtesy of Lygonstreet/Wikimedia Commons Although it's only the one-third mark of the 2026 season, it seems fair to argue that Joe Ryan is the most valuable pitcher in the Twins rotation. And while any All-Star or postseason recognition will have to wait, Ryan can hang his hat on at least one honor: He looks like he listens to Geese. The American Society of Cool Dads announced Thursday that Ryan is the inaugural recipient of their Professional Athlete Most Likely to Listen to Geese honor. "Through Ryan's choice of entrance music and general look and demeanor, we felt it was a no-brainer that he'd really be into the angular, post-punk guitars and wailing vocals of Geese," said Simon Descartes, a spokesperson for the ASCD. Geese are a four-piece rock band from New York City. Their most recent album, Getting Killed, was one of the most acclaimed records of 2025. There are at least three ongoing backlashes to their success, and two counter-backlashes as well. "You look at Joe and you see a guy who takes his recumbent bike to the farmer's market," said Descartes. "This man clearly has a favorite panel member on (NPR's) Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me. It's frankly a little surprising that he's a professional athlete. He should host a podcast about cryptids." The honor, which comes with a commemorative plaque, a pack of American Spirit cigarettes, a sixer of non-alcoholic IPAs, a thrifted pair of Wranglers, and a Wilco t-shirt that has seen better days, will be bestowed on Sunday evening at one of those bars that's a fake speakeasy and every drink costs 19 dollars. The bartender's name is Thadwick. "We can't be 100% sure that Ryan knows who Geese is, but he uses 'Long Cool Woman' by the Hollies when he takes the mound," said Descartes, who was making his own switchel while doing this interview. "Using a Creedence Clearwater Revival song would have been too mainstream for our liking, but he used a song that sounds exactly like them but isn't them. That's commitment to a certain kind of lifestyle; one we're pleased to recognize." Ryan, who has a 4-3 record with a 3.20 ERA, is slated to pitch Saturday against the Kansas City Royals. Geese will be playing the Minnesota Yacht Club Festival on Saturday, July 18th. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/MFHarris The Chicago White Sox are no longer godless. That's the only conclusion one can draw through one-third of the MLB season. And as hard as it is for adults to reckon with, imagine what your children are going through. In a fluid, volatile world, they've grown up with vanishingly few constants. One of them is that the White Sox are pure garbage with a fanbase of absentee landlords, pregnant chain smokers, and knaves. And while their core supporters of recidivist wheelchair thieves remains the same, the South Siders are...kind of fun to watch? And would be in the playoffs if the season ended today? It's enough to make anyone question the foundations of their belief systems, much less impressionable children. In such a fraught time, Twins Daily editors have crafted some responses for parents, guardians, and cool uncles to use when discussing the White Sox with impressionable youths. Q: Why aren't they bad anymore? I thought they'd always be bad. A: First, you have to understand that the American League is down this year. The Twins would also be in the playoffs if the season ended today. You've heard me complaining about them for months. That said, they're playing .500 baseball, which is amazing for them. There are decades when nothing happens and weeks where decades happen. This might be an example of that. Q: I know they're an awful franchise beloved by swindlers and men with secret second families. But I really enjoy watching Munetaka Murakami hit. Is that OK? A: It is. This isn't like when the Yankees were good and you had to pretend Derek Jeter was better than A-Rod. He's legitimately fun to watch! Think of it like watching a bad movie with a good actor in it. The script is undercooked but look, there's Cate Blanchett. She's awesome. I bet she bought a pool with this paycheck. Q: Will they continue being watchable going forward? A: It's a long season! As a Twins fan, you've seen how teams can fall off a cliff in August and September. The same could happen to the White Sox! But you need to prepare yourself for them hovering around .500 and wild card contention this summer. The tornado probably won't hit your house directly, but if the siren goes off, you should still go to the basement. You just never know. Q: If a White Sox fan approaches me, what should I do? A: That hasn't changed. Do not give them your social security number, no matter how often they ask, which will be often. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of © Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports Simeon Woods Richardson's struggles have been well documented here and elsewhere. His ineffectiveness has only been magnified by the tidal wave of injuries impacting the rest of the starting rotation. While his move to the bullpen last week was the first step in rebuilding him into the effective pitcher he was in 2024 and 2025, there are other plans in motion as well. "Simeon used to pitch good," said a member of the coaching staff who asked to remain anonymous. "In April and May, he pitched bad. That's why we're implementing the 'Stop Pitching Bad' program for him." While specifics on the program are nebulous, sources were able to give Twins Daily the general framework. "What this program does is say, 'Simeon, stop pitching bad. Pitch good instead,'" said the staff member. "'The pitches you've been throwing have been bad. The next time you're on the mound, make good ones. Not bad ones. They hit the bad ones really hard and far.'" Other sources confirmed these points of emphasis. "What this program aims to accomplish is making bad things good," said a front office source. "Stop doing bad things. Start doing good things. The good things make you happy. The bad things make you sad and are also very loud and startling." "The Stop Pitching Bad protocol is designed to make the bad pitches stop," said a source in the team's analytics department. "We dig into what's causing (Woods Richardson)'s problems. Through rigorous statistical analysis and hours of film study, we've determined that bad pitches are the primary driver for his rough start. If we replace those bad pitches with good pitches, it flips the whole thing for him and the rotation." Woods Richardson's most recent appearance was one inning of relief during Monday's 6-3 victory over Houston. Sources say they were happy with the early returns. "He allowed a hit and a walk, but there were less bad pitches than there had been," said the front office source. "One of the best ways to Stop Bad Pitches is to throw fewer of them. One inning instead of five is a remarkably effective way of getting immediate results, and you saw the impact on Monday." View full article

Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-Imagn Images Samuel Lewiston "Sloot" Von Hansen has been a baseball fan and a math geek his whole life. When he discovered the world of sabermetrics, it intensified both interests and opened up a post-collegiate career in the world of baseball statistics. He was getting paid to do what he loved, and there was no looking back. His opinion on sabermetrics in May 2026? "Meaningless. A dog's breakfast. Mere darts at a board," he said. "A handful of dust blown by an idiot wind." The cause of Von Hansen's loss of faith? Twins starter Bailey Ober. "How can you explain what he's doing," cried the married father of two. "You cannot. The math does not math. He strikes nobody out. His fastball never hits 90. His changeup isn't even a changeup, it's just 5 mph slower than his fastball, which, as I have already said and will say again, isn't fast." The final straw for Von Hansen was Ober's Tuesday night outing, a masterful "Maddux" (a complete game shutout with less than 100 pitches thrown, named after Hall of Famer Greg Maddux) versus the Miami Marlins. "The Minnesota Twins defense, outside of Byron Buxton, has never met a ball in play that they didn't want to turn into a meal," shouted a red-faced Von Hansen, growing louder by the second. "All Ober does is put balls in play because he can't strike anyone out. Is no one else watching this happen? How can we abide this? Agahghaehage [sic]!" Von Hansen said he tried to calculate the probability of Ober's Tuesday stat line on his laptop after the game, using Ober's velo, BABIP, and team defense metrics. The result, he said, broke him irreparably. "The machine wouldn't provide an answer," said Von Hansen. "Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The screen went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It read: ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE USE THEM TOGETHER USE THEM IN PEACE "Then it melted." Von Hansen said he has abandoned sabermetrics, math, baseball, reason itself, and his family. "I flew to Belgium last night and am driving to a remote monastery as I speak. I have renounced all my worldly possessions. I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar. Nothing matters, you see? Do you see?" Von Hansen broke down in tears and said he was throwing his phone out the window into a nearby pond. The line went dead. Ober sits at 4-2 for the season with a 3.46 ERA. His next start is slated to be against Milwaukee this Sunday. View full article

Image courtesy of USA Today/Tom Heitman On Wednesday, the Houston Astros revealed that former Twin Carlos Correa tore a tendon in his good ankle while taking batting practice. Season-ending surgery is on the docket, and he's on the shelf until 2027. Close readers of this website know that late last summer, the Twins made the salary dump of all salary dumps, sending Correa back to Houston for journeyman reliever Matt Mikulski, along with $33 million of Correa's remaining $96 million salary. So, did we win? THE CASE FOR YES: Minnesota isn't on the hook for $63 million worth of a player who isn't playing. Even if they had no way of knowing that Correa would have a fluke injury to his non-janky ankle, aging players do get hurt. It really is better to be lucky than good, sometimes. And the Twins haven't been in any danger of being good for a couple of seasons now, so luck is truly their best bet. THE CASE FOR NO: To paraphrase the prophet, you do not, under any circumstances, gotta hand it to them. Minnesota hasn't invested those future savings in anything, and they traded everyone who wasn't nailed down after moving Correa. Mikulski was such a throw-in that he couldn't even compete for a spot in the 2026 Minnesota Twins bullpen, which is breaking official and unofficial records for hurtfulness and sadness. Every reliever's entrance music is Elliott Smith's "Needle in the Hay." I hope Mikulski invested wisely and/or learns to throw a knuckleball, because this is definitely a sign that your baseball career is in crisis. THE DETERMINATION: There are no winners here. Houston has a worse record than Minnesota, despite an enormous payroll. They're tied with the Angels for the worst record in the American League. The temptation to take solace from that as a Twins fan is mighty, but you mustn't. I'm writing this after Wednesday's 15-2 drubbing by an unremarkable Washington Nationals squad. Unless you yourself were paying Correa that money, it's hard to feel good about anything right now. In conclusion, I award both teams zero points, and may God have mercy on their souls. Maybe Matt Mikulski's most of all. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Jason Taellious I've written at length—and with startling frequency—about the trauma Ron Davis inflicted upon me as a child. It was a rare treat for someone living 90 minutes outside the metro area to see a baseball game, and of the few I managed to see, Ron Davis managed to blow a hell-ton of them. OK, it was only two, but the sample size was, like, four. And the record shows this experience was not limited to me, nor directed at me. He blew 14 saves in 1984! That really happened! It seems made up! That said, I'm not here to relitigate the past, or angrily wish for him to step on a bunch of LEGOs in the dark (again). Instead, I'm here to say: I'm sorry, Ron. I'm sorry. I thought I knew what bullpen incompetence was. I thought I knew what it was like to have certain victory snatched from my greedy, grasping hands by a [redacted] meatball you grooved to Don Mattingly or Harold Baines. I thought I knew what rock bottom was. I was wrong. I was so very wrong. The folly of youth, perhaps caused by raging hormones or shelter from the diamond-sharp cruelties of an indifferent universe, is that, when things go wrong, it's the worst thing to ever happen. Not just to you, but to anyone. I understand there's famine and war, but have you considered that Ron Davis is coming in to pitch the ninth inning for my favorite team again? How can this happen? The last nine months have shown me just how ignorant and incurious about the world I was. The post-2025 trade deadline Twins bullpen is a disaster, wrapped in a travesty, inside an apocalypse. This was noted at the time it happened. It was noted all offseason. It was noted in spring training. It was noted when they surged to an early AL-leading record. And now, with the Twins blowing every game when they're not up by seven runs, it is being noted again. Everyone saw it coming. No one did anything about it. No one is coming to save us. It's over. You might wish for it not to be over, but wish in one hand and [redacted] in the other. See which one fills up first. So, Ron, I once again extend my sincerest apologies. I thought you were the worst. You weren't. You weren't even close. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Scott Smith Adam Prokosch didn't see it coming. "The Twins had just knocked [Mets closer] Devin Williams out of the game," said the Maple Plain resident. "The new reliever got an out, and the fans started yelling 'MVP! MVP!' The depths of their misery had sunk them to the point where they were doing loud sarcasm. That's never good. "I remember doing that at a Vikings game when Blair Walsh made an extra point. You're really in a vulnerable place when you're doing that. And that's when it happened: I felt bad for Mets fans." Prokosch remembers the sensation with vivid clarity. "You have the second-highest payroll in baseball, but you're still second banana in your home market. You're on your longest losing streak in 25 years, and you're about to lose to a team that just slashed payroll by $30 million. Your high-priced bullpen is going to lose to a team that forgot to staff one. I imagined how awful that would feel. A gut punch after a kidney punch." The moment passed quickly. "I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again." Despite that assurance, Prokosch's loved ones are worried. "You can't just say you feel bad for Mets fans out loud," said Charlie Johnson, Prokosch's co-worker. "Keep an intrusive thought like that tucked away inside. Other people can hear you. They might spiral, too." "When the Mets won on Wednesday and they reacted like they won the Super Bowl and an Olympic gold medal at the same time, I almost felt bad like Adam did," said Rachel Ryan, Prokosch's girlfriend. "Think of the years of self-loathing that lead you to that exact point. But you have to remember that it's the Mets. It's a Hell of their own making. They've chosen this perverse path of their own free will. Empathy is a wonderful thing, but you can't just parcel it out willy-nilly." For his part, Prokosch said he's learned from the experience and is ready to move on. "They're already nine games out of first and there's still a week left in April," exclaimed Prokosch. "The owner is actually spending money on the team! Meanwhile, the Twins probably have to pay for their own sunflower seeds. I should laugh at the dark humor of it all. Please don't let this moment of weakness define how you think of me. I've learned and I'm growing." Obligingly, the Mets and their fans prevailed over the Twins in a seesaw contest Thursday night, making it easy to resent them all over again. The winning hit was a bases-clearing double by Bo Bichette, who will make more this season than Byron Buxton, Ryan Jeffers, Joe Ryan, Josh Bell and Bailey Ober (the Twins' five highest-paid active players) combined. "[Forget] that guy," Prokosch said. "[Forget] them all." Image license here. View full article