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RandBalls Stu

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  1. As entities that predate recorded history, it’s very hard to get something by the Injury Gods. Yet that’s exactly what happened on Tuesday afternoon, as a wicked comebacker found Joe Ryan’s pitching hand without causing lasting damage. “Ryan’s a big part of their future plans so it seems like that’s an ideal place to really put the screws to the player and the Twins,” said a source close to Znon the Wrathful, the unspeakable beast responsible for tweaking Minnesota’s ulnar collateral ligaments. “I can’t explain it. Nor can They. The entire nether world is buzzing. To be clear, that’s mostly because of the bees we’re sending to swarm Byron Buxton next Wednesday, but it’s also the talk of the realm.” It initially appeared that the Gods had done as they always have to the bedeviled franchise, with Ryan immediately storming off the mound and heading to the showers. “Oh yeah, I thought for sure we tagged and bagged him,” said another source who works in Damnations and Accounts Receivable for Langurr The Plague King. “I should have known something wasn’t right when the ball didn’t deflect and hit Jorge Polanco in the eye. Classic double play and we didn’t even get the one? You don’t get surprised around this office too often, but that one put us back on our hooves.” The resulting X-rays were negative, with Ryan diagnosed as having a mere bruise. He might not even miss a start. The lack of traumatic injury is leaving more questions than answers among Those who exist to harm and maraud. “It’s a real stumper,” said a source familiar with Znon’s thinking. “His name is Znon the Wrathful. He just loves Himself some wrath. Lots of speculation that He’s going to make up for it by dropping a house on Ryan’s pinky toe or putting a black bear in his car. No one ever expects the black bear. Bears can’t drive!”
  2. The Old Ones, praise their names, search for answers as Joe Ryan escapes injury scare unscathed. As entities that predate recorded history, it’s very hard to get something by the Injury Gods. Yet that’s exactly what happened on Tuesday afternoon, as a wicked comebacker found Joe Ryan’s pitching hand without causing lasting damage. “Ryan’s a big part of their future plans so it seems like that’s an ideal place to really put the screws to the player and the Twins,” said a source close to Znon the Wrathful, the unspeakable beast responsible for tweaking Minnesota’s ulnar collateral ligaments. “I can’t explain it. Nor can They. The entire nether world is buzzing. To be clear, that’s mostly because of the bees we’re sending to swarm Byron Buxton next Wednesday, but it’s also the talk of the realm.” It initially appeared that the Gods had done as they always have to the bedeviled franchise, with Ryan immediately storming off the mound and heading to the showers. “Oh yeah, I thought for sure we tagged and bagged him,” said another source who works in Damnations and Accounts Receivable for Langurr The Plague King. “I should have known something wasn’t right when the ball didn’t deflect and hit Jorge Polanco in the eye. Classic double play and we didn’t even get the one? You don’t get surprised around this office too often, but that one put us back on our hooves.” The resulting X-rays were negative, with Ryan diagnosed as having a mere bruise. He might not even miss a start. The lack of traumatic injury is leaving more questions than answers among Those who exist to harm and maraud. “It’s a real stumper,” said a source familiar with Znon’s thinking. “His name is Znon the Wrathful. He just loves Himself some wrath. Lots of speculation that He’s going to make up for it by dropping a house on Ryan’s pinky toe or putting a black bear in his car. No one ever expects the black bear. Bears can’t drive!” View full article
  3. If you checked out on the Twins back in May (and no one would blame you!), it might surprise you that the Twins are interesting now. Frequently they’re even competitive! In a Vikings town where that team is making even more headlines than usual, it was a very poor marketing decision by the Twins to play their most appealing baseball in September after exiting the playoff race months ago. No one is arguing this. They really shouldn’t have been so bad earlier this season. However, what’s done is done. The Minnesota Twins are honestly kind of fun right now. Here are the three things I’m enjoying: Jorge Polanco. We finally have an answer to the question, “What if Kirby Puckett did his ‘climb on my back’ speech in, like, July 1986?” As Gleeman noted in The Athletic, he’s leading the AL in OPS and WAR since the break and gets a walk-off hit roughly every other day. And again, if your very last experience with the Twins was that afternoon game in Oakland where Alex Colome blew the lead 17 times, you have no idea this is happening unless you have WCCO on during your fantasy football draft. It’s bananas! In a brutal year for the team in every other way, they got Buxton’s April and Polanco’s second half. I guess pitching and health are important. Joe Ryan and Bailey Ober. Ryan cemented his “he is the one” status for us local overreactors on Wednesday night, pitching a perfect game into the 7th in only his second Twins start. Yes, it’s only one start, let’s see how he does when there’s a book on him, these games are essentially meaningless, I hate fun and good things, etc. But come on. He toyed with Cleveland, pushing their losing streak to three and icing their already dim wild card hopes. And as noted in this space previously, great hair. Meanwhile, Ober continues to steadily make a place for himself in the team’s 2022 rotation. Yes, EVERYONE ELSE IS HURT, but come on. I remember the starts of Scott Klingenbeck. Target Field. Tickets are coffee money now. September is Minnesota’s best weather month. None of the panels are falling off the side of the building. My editor is occasionally bartending. I’m not saying I’m optimistic for a full-scale turnaround next year. The unanswered questions are going to fill this site with content over the long winter months. But I’m nearer to that feeling than I was on July 4th. Hope is a good thing. View full article
  4. In a Vikings town where that team is making even more headlines than usual, it was a very poor marketing decision by the Twins to play their most appealing baseball in September after exiting the playoff race months ago. No one is arguing this. They really shouldn’t have been so bad earlier this season. However, what’s done is done. The Minnesota Twins are honestly kind of fun right now. Here are the three things I’m enjoying: Jorge Polanco. We finally have an answer to the question, “What if Kirby Puckett did his ‘climb on my back’ speech in, like, July 1986?” As Gleeman noted in The Athletic, he’s leading the AL in OPS and WAR since the break and gets a walk-off hit roughly every other day. And again, if your very last experience with the Twins was that afternoon game in Oakland where Alex Colome blew the lead 17 times, you have no idea this is happening unless you have WCCO on during your fantasy football draft. It’s bananas! In a brutal year for the team in every other way, they got Buxton’s April and Polanco’s second half. I guess pitching and health are important. Joe Ryan and Bailey Ober. Ryan cemented his “he is the one” status for us local overreactors on Wednesday night, pitching a perfect game into the 7th in only his second Twins start. Yes, it’s only one start, let’s see how he does when there’s a book on him, these games are essentially meaningless, I hate fun and good things, etc. But come on. He toyed with Cleveland, pushing their losing streak to three and icing their already dim wild card hopes. And as noted in this space previously, great hair. Meanwhile, Ober continues to steadily make a place for himself in the team’s 2022 rotation. Yes, EVERYONE ELSE IS HURT, but come on. I remember the starts of Scott Klingenbeck. Target Field. Tickets are coffee money now. September is Minnesota’s best weather month. None of the panels are falling off the side of the building. My editor is occasionally bartending. I’m not saying I’m optimistic for a full-scale turnaround next year. The unanswered questions are going to fill this site with content over the long winter months. But I’m nearer to that feeling than I was on July 4th. Hope is a good thing.
  5. In a season where little has gone right for the Twins, it's worth recognizing the good things. I speak, of course, of Joe Ryan's incredible hair. Some might say the promise of Joe Ryan's debut (An 8-pitch, all-strikes first inning! Five innings of relative competency!) was marred by the 3-run dinger he surrendered to Frank Schwindel, the only runs scored in yet another Twins loss, this one 3-0 to the Chicago Cubs. Some are full of crap. Joe Ryan's truly wondrous hair was the star of Wednesday's game and should be rewarded handsomely. Pun intended. I know the rules say he can't be given the win, as his team lost, he gave up all the runs, and he was the pitcher of record. But! The rules didn't stop the Houston Astros from whaling on garbage cans like a child and their first drum set or the New York Mets from hoovering every drug known to man in 1986. Rules are flexible and our governing bodies impossibly corrupt. Giving both Ryan and the Cubs a win may not be legal, but it feels as right as the shampoo-and-conditioner regimen Ryan follows to give his hair that healthy body and luxuriant shine. That said, I understand that this radical, if obviously correct, solution will be seen as too much in some quarters. What I propose instead is a day of recognition for Ryan's remarkable hair and what it's done for the team, the fans, and the entire community. Every September 1st, we celebrate Joe Ryan's hair. If you normally wear a hat or put your hair in a ponytail, let it go free on Joe Ryan Hair Day. Free like a stallion galloping over the open, untrammeled prairie, with nothing but the wind and the sun as companions. If you're bald or keep it shaved, consider a sassy wig, knowing that even your more hirsute pals will also fail to approach the majesty of Ryan's mane. The Twins could do their part, giving out free combs and hot oil treatments to the first 10,000 customers at Target Field. Give a young Twins fan a novelty baseball cap and they have a hair solution for a day. Teach a young Twins fan to establish a cleaning-and-styling routine with the proper tools and they have a hair solution for a lifetime. In a summer filled with disappointment and outright misery, the calendar turned to September and blessed us with Joe Ryan and his substantial, inspiring flow. This rare gift of hope ought not to be squandered. Thank you, Joe and/or your stylist. Thank you. View full article
  6. Some might say the promise of Joe Ryan's debut (An 8-pitch, all-strikes first inning! Five innings of relative competency!) was marred by the 3-run dinger he surrendered to Frank Schwindel, the only runs scored in yet another Twins loss, this one 3-0 to the Chicago Cubs. Some are full of crap. Joe Ryan's truly wondrous hair was the star of Wednesday's game and should be rewarded handsomely. Pun intended. I know the rules say he can't be given the win, as his team lost, he gave up all the runs, and he was the pitcher of record. But! The rules didn't stop the Houston Astros from whaling on garbage cans like a child and their first drum set or the New York Mets from hoovering every drug known to man in 1986. Rules are flexible and our governing bodies impossibly corrupt. Giving both Ryan and the Cubs a win may not be legal, but it feels as right as the shampoo-and-conditioner regimen Ryan follows to give his hair that healthy body and luxuriant shine. That said, I understand that this radical, if obviously correct, solution will be seen as too much in some quarters. What I propose instead is a day of recognition for Ryan's remarkable hair and what it's done for the team, the fans, and the entire community. Every September 1st, we celebrate Joe Ryan's hair. If you normally wear a hat or put your hair in a ponytail, let it go free on Joe Ryan Hair Day. Free like a stallion galloping over the open, untrammeled prairie, with nothing but the wind and the sun as companions. If you're bald or keep it shaved, consider a sassy wig, knowing that even your more hirsute pals will also fail to approach the majesty of Ryan's mane. The Twins could do their part, giving out free combs and hot oil treatments to the first 10,000 customers at Target Field. Give a young Twins fan a novelty baseball cap and they have a hair solution for a day. Teach a young Twins fan to establish a cleaning-and-styling routine with the proper tools and they have a hair solution for a lifetime. In a summer filled with disappointment and outright misery, the calendar turned to September and blessed us with Joe Ryan and his substantial, inspiring flow. This rare gift of hope ought not to be squandered. Thank you, Joe and/or your stylist. Thank you.
  7. Team says the opportunity to emotionally wreck the Twins for an extra day in 2022 outweigh potential 2021 playoff benefits. The New York Yankees have petitioned Major League Baseball to reschedule last Sunday’s postponed game versus the Minnesota Twins to 2022. While make-up games are ordinarily played in the same season, the Yankees claim that there are special circumstances about this matchup that make it more favorable to play next year. “We won’t bore you with tall tales of competitive balance or fresh legs,” said a team spokesperson. “Another loss to the Yankees in 2021 is meaningless to this broken, beaten franchise. You can’t steal from the man who has nothing! We want the Twins to suffer. The suffering is why.” Sources in the Yankees front office say they’re confident they will not need an extra win over Minnesota this season as they fight for a playoff spot. Instead, the chance to inflict ceaseless pain and torment on the Twins and their fanbase is the club’s primary focus. “Every baseball team, even Baltimore, exits Spring Training with optimism,” said the spokesperson. “Snuffing that optimism out is delicious. Snuffing that optimism out of the Twins is beyond delicious. The tears of stoic Upper Midwesterners just taste a little saltier. You can tell it hurts. The tears have meaning, purpose.” The Twins aren’t scheduled to play New York until June 7, 2022, when they begin a three-game series at Target Field. “There is an open date on Monday, June 6,” said a Yankees source. “Can you just imagine if the Twins have turned things around and are leading the AL Central after Memorial Day? And then for four days, just a constant pummeling in front of their loving fans. Night after night after night after night. A couple 15-2 beatdowns, a couple 11-10 comebacks with blown saves. It’s happening again. You’re powerless to stop it. And there are three more days left in New York in case the light of hope flickers anew. You fools. You fools.” The source then cackled for 45 minutes straight. Image license here. View full article
  8. The New York Yankees have petitioned Major League Baseball to reschedule last Sunday’s postponed game versus the Minnesota Twins to 2022. While make-up games are ordinarily played in the same season, the Yankees claim that there are special circumstances about this matchup that make it more favorable to play next year. “We won’t bore you with tall tales of competitive balance or fresh legs,” said a team spokesperson. “Another loss to the Yankees in 2021 is meaningless to this broken, beaten franchise. You can’t steal from the man who has nothing! We want the Twins to suffer. The suffering is why.” Sources in the Yankees front office say they’re confident they will not need an extra win over Minnesota this season as they fight for a playoff spot. Instead, the chance to inflict ceaseless pain and torment on the Twins and their fanbase is the club’s primary focus. “Every baseball team, even Baltimore, exits Spring Training with optimism,” said the spokesperson. “Snuffing that optimism out is delicious. Snuffing that optimism out of the Twins is beyond delicious. The tears of stoic Upper Midwesterners just taste a little saltier. You can tell it hurts. The tears have meaning, purpose.” The Twins aren’t scheduled to play New York until June 7, 2022, when they begin a three-game series at Target Field. “There is an open date on Monday, June 6,” said a Yankees source. “Can you just imagine if the Twins have turned things around and are leading the AL Central after Memorial Day? And then for four days, just a constant pummeling in front of their loving fans. Night after night after night after night. A couple 15-2 beatdowns, a couple 11-10 comebacks with blown saves. It’s happening again. You’re powerless to stop it. And there are three more days left in New York in case the light of hope flickers anew. You fools. You fools.” The source then cackled for 45 minutes straight. Image license here.
  9. You're in unfamiliar territory. The Bronx Bombers can't steal your joy this weekend. We asked a local expert about some best practices for coping with such a unique situation. The season’s shot. The Yankees can’t hurt you any more than the Twins already have. And yet here we are, a 4-game series against New York on the road. The Yankee Stadium house of horrors should be causing you to [drink heavily/guzzle Pepto-Bismol/both] as the first pitch approaches. Instead, you feel nothing. What in the heck?!? It’s not your fault. When the Twins are competitive, it’s almost always the Yankees who show up at summer’s end to bring sadness and pain. When the Twins aren’t competitive, it’s very often the Yankees turning an April or May series into a nightmare from which you cannot awake that confirms it’s just not happening this season. This year? The 2021 campaign was circling the drain when the Twins dropped 2 of 3 to New York in June. Honestly, the fact that they won a game at all should have been a sign that something was different. Meanwhile, New York is in the thick of the American League playoff race, although not unbeatable by any means. How are Twins fans supposed to handle such an odd circumstance? Twins Daily reached out to Jon Marthaler, a Falcon Heights-based expert on sports-derived frustration and boundless rage, to ask if he had any advice for struggling fans. He shared the following tips: Ease into it. Find clips from the last 19 Twins playoff losses, many of which came at New York’s hands. Remember the sorrow. Soak in it for a while. Cry if you must. Crying lets the sad out. Find a similar interest. He suggests looking for an activity that’s as equally frustrating/miserable as watching a standard Twins/Yankees game. For those wanting to get out of the house, Marthaler recommends golfing on a course overrun with fire ants. For the homebound, he put forward the reading of any American newspaper’s online comments section. Punch drywall. “It just feels good, and the repair work gives you something to do on a weekend,” says Marthaler. “My hand hurts very badly. This has some downside risks, frankly. Ouch. Ouch.” Watch the Vikings. “It looks like their season is going to be a hot mess,” speculated Marthaler. “They have a preseason game on Saturday. Even pretend Vikings games offer something to make your day just a little bit worse.” Extend grace to yourself and others. "If you just decide to sit on a park bench and crush heaters, that's OK. If you see someone in a Byron Buxton shirsey wandering around the mall and barely keeping it together, give them space. No one really knows what to do until its done." Marthaler said he personally will drive the entire 94/494/694 loop twice on Friday night with the radio off, contemplating eternity and drinking a tepid Sprite. Image license here. View full article
  10. The season’s shot. The Yankees can’t hurt you any more than the Twins already have. And yet here we are, a 4-game series against New York on the road. The Yankee Stadium house of horrors should be causing you to [drink heavily/guzzle Pepto-Bismol/both] as the first pitch approaches. Instead, you feel nothing. What in the heck?!? It’s not your fault. When the Twins are competitive, it’s almost always the Yankees who show up at summer’s end to bring sadness and pain. When the Twins aren’t competitive, it’s very often the Yankees turning an April or May series into a nightmare from which you cannot awake that confirms it’s just not happening this season. This year? The 2021 campaign was circling the drain when the Twins dropped 2 of 3 to New York in June. Honestly, the fact that they won a game at all should have been a sign that something was different. Meanwhile, New York is in the thick of the American League playoff race, although not unbeatable by any means. How are Twins fans supposed to handle such an odd circumstance? Twins Daily reached out to Jon Marthaler, a Falcon Heights-based expert on sports-derived frustration and boundless rage, to ask if he had any advice for struggling fans. He shared the following tips: Ease into it. Find clips from the last 19 Twins playoff losses, many of which came at New York’s hands. Remember the sorrow. Soak in it for a while. Cry if you must. Crying lets the sad out. Find a similar interest. He suggests looking for an activity that’s as equally frustrating/miserable as watching a standard Twins/Yankees game. For those wanting to get out of the house, Marthaler recommends golfing on a course overrun with fire ants. For the homebound, he put forward the reading of any American newspaper’s online comments section. Punch drywall. “It just feels good, and the repair work gives you something to do on a weekend,” says Marthaler. “My hand hurts very badly. This has some downside risks, frankly. Ouch. Ouch.” Watch the Vikings. “It looks like their season is going to be a hot mess,” speculated Marthaler. “They have a preseason game on Saturday. Even pretend Vikings games offer something to make your day just a little bit worse.” Extend grace to yourself and others. "If you just decide to sit on a park bench and crush heaters, that's OK. If you see someone in a Byron Buxton shirsey wandering around the mall and barely keeping it together, give them space. No one really knows what to do until its done." Marthaler said he personally will drive the entire 94/494/694 loop twice on Friday night with the radio off, contemplating eternity and drinking a tepid Sprite. Image license here.
  11. Remember Steve Carlton? The not-very-integral member of the 1987 World Champion Minnesota Twins was, at one time, the best pitcher in baseball. Four Cy Youngs, five years leading the National League in strikeouts (the fifth time at age 38), last pitcher to throw 300 innings a season, led the Phillies to their first title in 1980. A remarkable career. He was also completely out of his mind. Carlton never spoke to the media, which means we didn’t learn until he was long retired that he built a mountain lair with a 7000-foot storage cellar loaded to the gills with guns and bottled water for “The Revolution.” That revolution was coming thanks to Russian sound waves, the Skull and Bones Society, the Elders of Zion, the National Education Association, and more. I’m aware this qualifies him to represent the state of Georgia in Congress today, but in 1994 this was wild stuff. One assumes that the Phillies knew that Steve was off his nut, but when you can produce like he did, you let that stuff slide a little bit, especially if he keeps it quiet. By the time he was failing to make the Minnesota Twins playoff roster because he wasn’t as good as Lester Straker, he was just a cooked 43-year-old with weirdly anti-Semitic ideas about how the world works. He never pitched again. Which brings me to Andrelton Simmons. Already the COVID patient zero of the Twins locker room, he took to social media on Thursday to let the world know, and I quote: I’m not going to debate the efficacy of the COVID-19 vaccines with Simmons or anyone else, as there is no debate to be had. They work. Please shut up and let the horses have their wormer paste. (Also, it’s “effects.”) Across town, the Vikings are dealing with a similar situation. A handful of their best players (Adam Thielen, Harrison Smith, I guess Kirk Cousins if you squint hard enough) apparently won’t get the vacc either. It presents some hard choices for them, as they don’t have quality replacements for any of them as the regular season looms, and the NFL will make teams forfeit games if they can’t field a lineup due to COVID quarantines. The Twins face no such dilemma. The season is over. Simmons is an offensive liability and a good-to-excellent defender, which basically makes him a better Jeff Reboulet, if Jeff Reboulet thought Jurassic Park was real. He’s on a one-year deal. Maybe if he was the standout player in a disappointing season you could let his idiocy slide. Or maybe if it was something less harmful and kind of quirky, like thinking the earth was flat or dedicating his Instagram Stories to proving that birds are a deep-fake. He’s not good enough to get away with this. Let the summer of Drew Maggi begin. Image license here.
  12. Baseball has a storied history of cranks, weirdos, and straight-up goofballs. When that charm or blissful ignorance isn’t matched by performance, you’ve got Andrelton Simmons. Remember Steve Carlton? The not-very-integral member of the 1987 World Champion Minnesota Twins was, at one time, the best pitcher in baseball. Four Cy Youngs, five years leading the National League in strikeouts (the fifth time at age 38), last pitcher to throw 300 innings a season, led the Phillies to their first title in 1980. A remarkable career. He was also completely out of his mind. Carlton never spoke to the media, which means we didn’t learn until he was long retired that he built a mountain lair with a 7000-foot storage cellar loaded to the gills with guns and bottled water for “The Revolution.” That revolution was coming thanks to Russian sound waves, the Skull and Bones Society, the Elders of Zion, the National Education Association, and more. I’m aware this qualifies him to represent the state of Georgia in Congress today, but in 1994 this was wild stuff. One assumes that the Phillies knew that Steve was off his nut, but when you can produce like he did, you let that stuff slide a little bit, especially if he keeps it quiet. By the time he was failing to make the Minnesota Twins playoff roster because he wasn’t as good as Lester Straker, he was just a cooked 43-year-old with weirdly anti-Semitic ideas about how the world works. He never pitched again. Which brings me to Andrelton Simmons. Already the COVID patient zero of the Twins locker room, he took to social media on Thursday to let the world know, and I quote: I’m not going to debate the efficacy of the COVID-19 vaccines with Simmons or anyone else, as there is no debate to be had. They work. Please shut up and let the horses have their wormer paste. (Also, it’s “effects.”) Across town, the Vikings are dealing with a similar situation. A handful of their best players (Adam Thielen, Harrison Smith, I guess Kirk Cousins if you squint hard enough) apparently won’t get the vacc either. It presents some hard choices for them, as they don’t have quality replacements for any of them as the regular season looms, and the NFL will make teams forfeit games if they can’t field a lineup due to COVID quarantines. The Twins face no such dilemma. The season is over. Simmons is an offensive liability and a good-to-excellent defender, which basically makes him a better Jeff Reboulet, if Jeff Reboulet thought Jurassic Park was real. He’s on a one-year deal. Maybe if he was the standout player in a disappointing season you could let his idiocy slide. Or maybe if it was something less harmful and kind of quirky, like thinking the earth was flat or dedicating his Instagram Stories to proving that birds are a deep-fake. He’s not good enough to get away with this. Let the summer of Drew Maggi begin. Image license here. View full article
  13. When the Twins opened a 4-game series versus the Houston Astros on Thursday, the lineup was markedly different from their brief 2020 playoff series. No Nelson Cruz, no Jose Berrios, and a lot of "wait, who's that again?" Experts say that reaction is nothing to be concerned about. "I had season tickets in 2000," said Tyler Bouman, a Forest Lake IT specialist. "Some of the guys who would end up doing things were there, like (Corey) Koskie or Jacque Jones. But if you had asked me who was playing second base at any point in the season I would have had no idea. Jay Canizaro played over 100 games. I had to look that up. Honestly, Baseball Reference might be messing with me. There's no way that can be right." [EDITOR'S NOTE: Canizaro played 102 games. Jason Maxwell played 64. Twins Daily has not been able to confirm if these are real people. Baseball Reference could not be reached for comment.] The lost season makes it very difficult for casual fans to keep up with a lineup in transition, but authorities like Bouman say it really separates o the diehards from the casual fans. "OK, look at tonight's game," said Bouman. "The odds of you guessing more than one outfielder is astronomical. Maybe you'd pull Trevor Larnach if you were on your toes. Maybe. After that you'd be throwing darts. If someone told you on Opening Day that we'd be rolling with Larnach, Brent Rooker, and Rob Refsnyder on August 5th you'd punch them in their filthy, lying mouth. And yet, here we are." Jon Marthaler, a Falcon Heights-based expert on sports-derived frustration and boundless rage, says that guessing five of nine starters in any Twins game going forward is incredibly impressive. "Kids are going back to school, so they'll be distracted," said Marthaler. "Their parents are dealing with that and COVID and any number of things. How are they to know that Griffin Jax is an every-fifth-day starting pitcher? He sounds like a law firm that will help you with your mesothelioma settlement. Josh Donaldson's calf might turn to wet Grape Nuts at any moment. Correctly naming five of nine starters is frankly astonishing. I include Rocco Baldelli in this."
  14. With two months of games left and absolutely nothing to play for, correctly guessing the Twins starting lineup is the sign of a true fan. When the Twins opened a 4-game series versus the Houston Astros on Thursday, the lineup was markedly different from their brief 2020 playoff series. No Nelson Cruz, no Jose Berrios, and a lot of "wait, who's that again?" Experts say that reaction is nothing to be concerned about. "I had season tickets in 2000," said Tyler Bouman, a Forest Lake IT specialist. "Some of the guys who would end up doing things were there, like (Corey) Koskie or Jacque Jones. But if you had asked me who was playing second base at any point in the season I would have had no idea. Jay Canizaro played over 100 games. I had to look that up. Honestly, Baseball Reference might be messing with me. There's no way that can be right." [EDITOR'S NOTE: Canizaro played 102 games. Jason Maxwell played 64. Twins Daily has not been able to confirm if these are real people. Baseball Reference could not be reached for comment.] The lost season makes it very difficult for casual fans to keep up with a lineup in transition, but authorities like Bouman say it really separates o the diehards from the casual fans. "OK, look at tonight's game," said Bouman. "The odds of you guessing more than one outfielder is astronomical. Maybe you'd pull Trevor Larnach if you were on your toes. Maybe. After that you'd be throwing darts. If someone told you on Opening Day that we'd be rolling with Larnach, Brent Rooker, and Rob Refsnyder on August 5th you'd punch them in their filthy, lying mouth. And yet, here we are." Jon Marthaler, a Falcon Heights-based expert on sports-derived frustration and boundless rage, says that guessing five of nine starters in any Twins game going forward is incredibly impressive. "Kids are going back to school, so they'll be distracted," said Marthaler. "Their parents are dealing with that and COVID and any number of things. How are they to know that Griffin Jax is an every-fifth-day starting pitcher? He sounds like a law firm that will help you with your mesothelioma settlement. Josh Donaldson's calf might turn to wet Grape Nuts at any moment. Correctly naming five of nine starters is frankly astonishing. I include Rocco Baldelli in this." View full article
  15. “It happens every trade deadline, but this one has been brutal,” said his exasperated son. If you went by Dennis Solomon’s Twitter feed on Thursday, you’d think that the Minnesota Twins were the new home of Aaron Judge, Kris Bryant, and a significant percentage of the Baseball Prospectus Top 100 Prospect list. You’d also be profoundly misinformed. “Pops gets fooled by the internet a lot,” said Ryan Solomon, Dennis’s son. “I had to unfriend him on Facebook because he kept sharing posts that were either profoundly inaccurate, riddled with malware links, or both. His Twitter feed is mostly just benign retweets of sports reporters or replying to Stephen A. Smith telling him to shut up. It’s fine. But on draft days or trade deadlines, he really lets his guard down. This one has been brutal.” The retired school administrator retweeted fake baseball news from Ken R0sentha1, JeffPa$$an, P@trick_Reusse_, Mi11erStrib, and danhayesML8 on Thursday afternoon and evening. While most were simple retweets, at least two were quote tweets with “Typical Twins” and “I’d trade Buxton for a bucket of balls, let’s go!” attached. “I’ve tried to get Mom to hide his iPad on big sports news days,” said Ryan. “She won’t do it because it keeps him from bothering her about the coffee being too strong or speculating that the kids playing in the park down the street are Antifa. I guess I understand, but geez Louise.” Although the elder Solomon could not be reached for comment, his son says this is not isolated to Twins baseball. “I think Minnesota Vikings training camp started this week,” said Ryan. “If my dad doesn’t retweet RealAdamShefter saying that the Vikings have traded Kirk Cousins and Dalvin Cook for Aaron Rodgers, I’ll be legitimately worried for his health.” View full article
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