RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Jesse Spector/Bluesky Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. Before you were born, the Green Bay Packers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers played in the same NFL division, the NFC Central. Yes, Tampa is nowhere near the central United States, but New Orleans played in the NFC West. The Seventies were different. You could smoke literally anywhere--restaurants, hospitals, kindergarten. During this time, these two very disparate cities shared one common trait: They were inept at football. Real stinkeroos. The Packers were so bad they played half their home games at Milwaukee County Stadium, because there is no earthly reason to go to Green Bay, Wisconsin if the football team sucks except to push the outer limits of one's alcoholism. Is nail polish a digestif? Only one way to find out. The Buccaneers played in creamsicle-colored uniforms* and lost every game they played in their inaugural 1976 season. Bucs head coach John McKay, when asked about his team's execution, said he'd be in favor of it**. *These uniforms are actually incredible, but if your airline keeps flying planes into mountains, your cool logo kinda pops in the wreckage. **NFL head coaches used to be interesting. In fact, the franchises were so wretched, ESPN's late, great Pete Axthelm referred to their twice-yearly matchups as The Bay of Pigs. The games usually lived down to the honor. Time, being a butthole, marched on. Green Bay got consecutive Hall of Fame quarterbacks with dust bunnies where their souls should've been. Tampa moved to the NFC Southeast, their defense getting better as their uniforms got worse. Both teams won a couple Super Bowls. Milwaukee County Stadium got torn down. Pete Axthelm died. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two and a half decades, the Bay of Pigs passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it gave us a World Series. I am absolutely delighted by the Milwaukee Brewers/Tampa Bay Devil Rays matchup (they'll always be the Devil Rays, do not correct me on this). The former have a stacked lineup and an ace who looks like they turned a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man into a real boy who can throw 105mph. The latter play in an absolute dump, spend $45 on payroll, and win 91 games every year. Perhaps most importantly, the Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, and Boston Red Sox are watching from home. But some of us, who remember the Time Before, hear "Tampa Bay heads north to Milwaukee" and thrill to a time, long since forgotten but younger than yesterday, when those words meant a 12-9 rock fight on the cold County Stadium dirt. No touchdowns. Four Chester Marcol field goals. Frozen vomit on metal bleachers. My prediction: Brewers in 7, and the MVP gets a free membership to Gorman Thomas's 8-track club. Long live The Bay of Pigs. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Eugene Kim With the Los Angeles Dodgers freshly eliminated by the Milwaukee Brewers, their fans are making the appropriate preparations for the offseason. For Steve Cowgill, it means a season of transition. "As much as I bleed Dodgers blue, I think it's about time for some dang football," Cowgill said. "How' bout them [Dallas] Cowboys?!?" Cowgill, 34, is a lifelong resident of Nashville, Tennessee, and first started following the Dodgers when they signed Shohei Ohtani in December 2023. Prior to that, friends say he was "all-in" on the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, depending on their records. "Steve is what you would call a front-runner," said Isaac Winter, Cowgill's college roommate. "You would also call him a jagoff, honestly. We barely even talk anymore. He's just so annoying." "Whoooooo doggie, them Cowboys are gonna be a handful this year, tell you what," proclaimed Cowgill over his third White Claw at a chain bar with a nautical theme. "Thinking about flying to Vegas and putting a couple hundo on them to win the whole thing." "Yeah, Steve has never been to Vegas," said Winter. "I'm also pretty sure he doesn't know the football season has started, or that the Cowboys are 2-3 and just lost to Tampa. At home." Cowgill, who works in marketing for an energy drink company that will come under federal scrutiny in 2029 for a startling number of consumer deaths, said he's still proud of the Dodgers season. "Real fans like me, we don't need a ring every year," said Cowgill, who donated multiple Tom Brady New England Patriots jerseys to Goodwill before buying a Tom Brady Tampa Bay Buccaneers jersey on the way home in the summer of 2020. "You respect the legacy of excellence, like with the [Los Angeles] Lakers, the [Alabama] Crimson Tide, or Duke basketball. Big fan." "I'm reasonably certain he thinks (Nick) Saban is still at Alabama and Coach K is still at Duke," said Winter. "Did I mention he bought a Cybertruck?" "Cowboys! Yeah! Let's go," said Cowgill. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Richard Bartlaga As he watched the no-longer-hapless Chicago White Sox surge to a 2-0 lead in the ALDS at the Roseville Buffalo Wild Wings earlier this week, lifelong Minnesota Twins fan Mike Martinez came to a startling conclusion: He enjoyed watching them. “I was [redacted] horrified, man. I clapped when they got a key base hit or strikeout. I shouted ‘Hell yeah’ when (Munetaka) Murakami got a hold of one and high-fived the woman sitting next to me. I hate this. I hate myself.” Martinez says he grew up hating the White Sox even more than the Yankees. “Their teams were full of jerks and their fanbase was a collection of vampires and pederasts,” said the 42-year-old IT professional. “I didn’t even like Jim Thome when he was on the White Sox, and everyone likes Jim Thome. Now look at me—cheering for these perverts and horse criminals.” Martinez says everything in his life is fine. He has a good relationship with his parents. He has a steady job, and his spouse just got a promotion at work. Their only child is a straight-A student. Nothing in his life was pointing to this downward turn. “They say you never know what kind of journey someone else is on or what they’re going through,” said Martinez. “I’ve always been skeptical of therapy, but clearly I have some unresolved issues somewhere. I should talk to someone.” If there’s any reason for optimism, Martinez thinks Chicago’s opponent might be a slim reed of hope to grasp onto. “The best case scenario I can think of is that my loathing of the insufferable Cleveland Guardians is causing this aberration. They have an unserious payroll, and they trot out a bunch of anonymous pitchers and win 90 games every year. I hate them very much and want them to lose all their money to internet scams or crooked preachers. But still, I was grinning from ear to ear when the godless and unwanted Chicago White Sox won a playoff game. I don’t expect others to forgive me. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Rick Burtzel Troy Milbank was watching the San Diego Padres close out the Chicago Cubs on Wednesday night when he noticed something on the home team’s bench. Or rather, someone. “Holy [EXPLETIVE], that’s Nick Punto,” exclaimed the 46-year-old father of three in his Roseville living room, startling Bosco, the family dog. “LNP is coaching for the Padres!” His excitement soon turned to bewilderment when the camera gave him a closer look. “They did a tight shot of Little Nicky Punto and he’s got a full beard with a ton of gray hair,” said Milbank, who works as an engineer for 3M. “I swear it was just yesterday that he was one of the Piranhas. And then I remembered that both my parents are dead and 2006 was twenty years ago.” After processing the cruel, inevitable passage of time for a moment, Milbank did the only thing he could think to do: He went online and scheduled a colonoscopy. “I’m in good health overall, even if my cholesterol is a bit high,” said Milbank. “But my doctor said they’re lowering the advised age to get your colon checked to 45. I know the prep kinda sucks and I was dragging my feet a bit. Nick Punto looking like one of my dad’s buddies from the Navy got me right with God in a hurry. I’ll [EXPLETIVE] my brains out for a day if that means I can see my grandkids grow up.” The former Twin’s advanced age wasn’t Milbank’s only surprise. “My wife Ashleigh looked up from her book when I shouted. She saw him, whistled, and called him a ‘zaddy.’ I don’t know how to react to that. My bride of 21 years has erotic thoughts about old-ass Nick Punto. It’s been a surreal 24 hours.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Aaron Burden Twins fans hoping to catch one more look at their favorite team this weekend have a chance to do something special for the team's ownership group: Say "thank you." Sources close to the front office say they'll have giant thank-you cards stationed at each of the main entrance gates for attendees to sign, as a means of expressing gratitude to Tom Pohlad (and the rest of the extended Pohlad family) for spending money at the trade deadline. "They're roughly the size of those novelty checks you see when somebody makes a big charitable donation," said one team official, who asked to remain anonymous. "We'll have pens set out for fans to sign their names and offer a small word of encouragement to the Pohlad family, thanking them for all they've done. Regular-sized pens. We didn't want to splurge for novelty ones." The Twins, coming off consecutive seasons of budget cuts and offseason inactivity, made multiple trades in August to shore up their relief pitching and added Dean Kremer to the rotation. "And it's about time someone said thanks," said the source. "They actually tried a little bit this summer. Lots of people spend August on their yachts or at their country estates, hunting foxes or that most dangerous game, human beings. The Pohlads didn't. They stayed here and gave the rabble something to cheer for. Frankly, it's long past time for the little people to celebrate their betters." In addition to the cards, there will be QR codes posted throughout Target Field for fans to give thanks monetarily. All the money raised by the so-called "Thank a Pohlad Fund" will go to various needs the family has. "The money will go to where it can be most effective," said a source close to the family. "For example, one of their stableboys was overly defiant and would look many family members directly in the eye. He obviously was let go, but finding a steady, obedient replacement who knows his place is difficult without paying a job search firm." Another source indicated that the family feels its budget for yacht maintenance and fox-hunting equipment will need to be augmented for the coming fiscal year. The Twins open their series with Texas at 7:10 PM this evening, with Joe Ryan making his final start of the season. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of John Bonnes John Bonnes, proprietor of Twins Daily and co-host of Real Housewives fan podcast Gleeman and the Geek, is known for declaring a yearly Worst Loss of the Season for the local nine. It’s usually late in the season, and it’s usually a deciding factor in the team’s playoff push or lack thereof. As gutting losses piled up after the trade deadline, Bonnes was frequently asked if the most recent one was the Worst Loss of the Season. He’d reply, with an almost zen-like calm, “The Worst Loss of the Season hasn’t happened yet.” Now, with the team all but mathematically eliminated, his fellow fans are wondering if Bonnes missed the boat. As it happens, he misses his beer. “Friday, August 28th,” said Bonnes, in an exclusive sitdown with Twins Daily. “I was at The Ball Park Cafe at the State Fair. The Twins were losing to the White Sox at Target Field. I had just ordered a fresh, full-flavored Metrodome IPA from my friends at BlackStack Brewing. It was in my hands, and then it wasn’t. “That spilled beer was the Worst Loss of the Season. I think about it every day.” Sources close to Bonnes confirm this. “John had just gotten his beer when another patron accidentally hit his arm,” said Bonnes’s wife Chrissie. “He was super apologetic and offered to buy John a new one, but the keg had just kicked. The beer was gone. He had a Modelo instead. “He didn’t even finish it. The light had gone out of his eyes.” Bonnes says the whole incident was a blur. “This soft, hazy IPA that rides a Mosaic, Krush, and Strata Hyperboost hop bill was gone. I wish it had never been there. Knowing I could have had it is worse than it never being there at all. I’m just sick about it.” When asked if there was an actual game that qualified for Worst Loss of the Season status, Bonnes was defiant. “At the end of the day, these are just games. But when you lose a full beer, it marks you. The bready malt backbone, the orange/grapefruit aromatics, maybe even a little bit of pine and bitter citrus on the finish…and it’s gone in an instant. People overcome loss, but they don’t forget it.” View full article

Image courtesy of David Richard-Imagn Images The Minnesota Twins' struggles in August and September, while not surprising, are certainly a setback for a team and a fanbase hoping to take advantage of a weak American League and battle for a playoff spot. OK, check that. They are surprising, by one little-known statistical measure. "If you look at the AJCLM, this team should not only be in the playoff hunt, but battling the White Sox for the AL Central," said Abel Langston, a self-taught mathematician and aspiring sabermetrician from New Hope. "It's frankly shocking that they aren't." The AJCLM is the Alex Jackson Clubhouse Leadership Metric, which measures the impact of infrequently-used third catchers and is named after the current Twins reserve backstop. "Since he was recalled from St. Paul on August 17th, the data points that provide the backbone of the AJCLM all called for a late-season surge by the Twins," said Langston. "Just looking at the hard numbers, the team should be on a 21-game winning streak." The team is 9-12 since Jackson rejoined the club in place of the injured Austin Martin. Langston says he is at a loss to explain why reality has diverged so drastically from the projections. "The AJCLM takes into account all the intangibles a third catcher brings to a team," said Langston. "You have leadership. You have gumption. You have being a team player. You have all the late-inning flexibility a manager wants. You have a 'what if both my other catchers get hurt' insurance. You have grit and want-to. The kind eyes and winning smile...there might be no other player on earth who grades out as an 80 on all those functions like Jackson." While the team's in-house statistical analysis doesn't use Langston's metric, sources say they are equally surprised at the lack of knock-on effects Jackson's presence has provided as the season slowly slips away. "His inner strength and quiet leadership are bona fide elite skills," said a scouting department source who asked to remain anonymous in order to provide candid information. "He is the first guy in the clubhouse who'll ask, 'Hey, you need a lift to the airport?' He has helped three different players move into their new places this summer. One of them had a piano." Jackson has had three plate appearances since returning to the club, drawing a walk and hitting a single. "It's admittedly a small sample size, but if a player gets on base two out of every three times, we're talking first-ballot Hall of Famer," said Langston. "There are just more questions than answers at this point." The Twins host Cleveland for a three-game series this weekend. Jackson is only expected to play if "the whole team gets malaria," said a front office source. View full article