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RandBalls Stu

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About RandBalls Stu

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  1. ‘This is a victory for the Twins and America,’ said the former Taco John's spokesperson. After a spirited series of phone calls, emails, and at least one in-person visit to the league office, former Minnesota Twins great Kent Hrbek announced Thursday that delicious, overstuffed hoagies are not on Major League Baseball’s banned substances list. “This is a victory for the Twins and America,” said the longtime first baseman. “I understand that we need to get illegal substances under control, but not at the expense of hoagies.” MLB’s plan to crack down on the items pitchers use to
  2. After a spirited series of phone calls, emails, and at least one in-person visit to the league office, former Minnesota Twins great Kent Hrbek announced Thursday that delicious, overstuffed hoagies are not on Major League Baseball’s banned substances list. “This is a victory for the Twins and America,” said the longtime first baseman. “I understand that we need to get illegal substances under control, but not at the expense of hoagies.” MLB’s plan to crack down on the items pitchers use to exert a better grip on the baseball has roiled the entire league. For retired players like Hrbe
  3. Twins skipper hopes the '70s music legends inspire the team to turn a lost season around. With the 2021 season rapidly slipping away, Twins manager Rocco Baldelli needed to do something. With making the team healthier being out of his hands, he did what he thought best: put on some Steely Dan. “I think the players-only meetings and office sit-downs only accomplish so much,” said Baldelli. “What you really need are the sardonic lyrics of Donald Fagen, the tasteful guitar of Walter Becker, and the in-the-pocket grooves of the finest session players in Los Angeles.” When the playe
  4. With the 2021 season rapidly slipping away, Twins manager Rocco Baldelli needed to do something. With making the team healthier being out of his hands, he did what he thought best: put on some Steely Dan. “I think the players-only meetings and office sit-downs only accomplish so much,” said Baldelli. “What you really need are the sardonic lyrics of Donald Fagen, the tasteful guitar of Walter Becker, and the in-the-pocket grooves of the finest session players in Los Angeles.” When the players showed up to Target Field on Thursday after another punishing loss to the New York Yankees, t
  5. "Next one's free," said a source familiar with the team's high-deductible medical plan. Caleb “Meat Raffle” Thielbar landed on the Minnesota Twins injured list Thursday with a strained groin, joining Byron Buxton, Mitch Garver, Kenta Maeda, Max Kepler, Luis Arraez, Devin Smeltzer, Rob Refsnyder, Jake Cave, and Edwar Colina. While this staggering list of casualties is alarming for both the front office and Twins fans, it’s a blessing in disguise for the team’s accountants. “We have ten players on the injured list,” said a senior employee with knowledge of the situation. “Next one’s f
  6. Caleb “Meat Raffle” Thielbar landed on the Minnesota Twins injured list Thursday with a strained groin, joining Byron Buxton, Mitch Garver, Kenta Maeda, Max Kepler, Luis Arraez, Devin Smeltzer, Rob Refsnyder, Jake Cave, and Edwar Colina. While this staggering list of casualties is alarming for both the front office and Twins fans, it’s a blessing in disguise for the team’s accountants. “We have ten players on the injured list,” said a senior employee with knowledge of the situation. “Next one’s free.” Multiple sources confirmed that the Minnesota Twins purchased the Major League Base
  7. The team's recent run of near-competence has at least one fan convinced that things are turning around. Thursday’s off day allowed the battered Minnesota Twins 24 valuable hours of rest. What it did for the fan base was perhaps even more critical. “You know, they’re only nine games below .500,” said Ethan Adams. “Not even ten games out of first, either. Put together one more good week and now we’re talking.” Adams, an otherwise normal Waseca man with hopes, dreams, and a small HVAC repair business, credits the lack of a Thursday game with giving him the space to feed his graspi
  8. Thursday’s off day allowed the battered Minnesota Twins 24 valuable hours of rest. What it did for the fan base was perhaps even more critical. “You know, they’re only nine games below .500,” said Ethan Adams. “Not even ten games out of first, either. Put together one more good week and now we’re talking.” Adams, an otherwise normal Waseca man with hopes, dreams, and a small HVAC repair business, credits the lack of a Thursday game with giving him the space to feed his grasping delusions of an unprecedented turnaround. “You get caught up in the grind of a regular season and miss
  9. Team must now go by 'Minnesota Cocaine Dentists' for two weeks. When the Minnesota Twins took the field against the Los Angeles Angels for the second half of Thursday’s doubleheader, they technically weren’t the Minnesota Twins. In the latest twist involving baseball’s unwritten rules and the franchise, the road team was officially the Cocaine Dentists. “I’ve been in the game my whole life and this was news to me,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “But we’ve gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches this year, and now it’s up to us to go out there and play Cocaine Dentists ba
  10. When the Minnesota Twins took the field against the Los Angeles Angels for the second half of Thursday’s doubleheader, they technically weren’t the Minnesota Twins. In the latest twist involving baseball’s unwritten rules and the franchise, the road team was officially the Cocaine Dentists. “I’ve been in the game my whole life and this was news to me,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “But we’ve gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches this year, and now it’s up to us to go out there and play Cocaine Dentists baseball.” The unwritten rule stems from a turn-of-the-century hand
  11. With the Minnesota Twins 2021 season on the precipice of disaster, the team’s front office made it clear that they are willing to think outside the box in their efforts to salvage it. Bob Baffert, the scandal-ridden trainer of champion racehorses, has been brought on as a consultant and assistant nutritionist for the remainder of the 2021 campaign. “His track record speaks for itself,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “We’re not at all ready to give up on this year, we know we have playoff-caliber talent. Bob’s here to make sure we get the most out of it.” Baffert’s horses have won 16
  12. The controversial Kentucky Derby trainer is seen by some as a bold, if unconventional choice, to turn the team’s flailing fortunes around. With the Minnesota Twins 2021 season on the precipice of disaster, the team’s front office made it clear that they are willing to think outside the box in their efforts to salvage it. Bob Baffert, the scandal-ridden trainer of champion racehorses, has been brought on as a consultant and assistant nutritionist for the remainder of the 2021 campaign. “His track record speaks for itself,” said Twins GM Thad Levine. “We’re not at all ready to gi
  13. "We’re almost to the finish line, Minnesota. Together, we can do this.”Citing increased vaccination rates and falling COVID numbers, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced new metrics for roasting the hell out of the Minnesota Twins. “I’m incredibly proud of the work Minnesotans have done in getting us to this point,” said Walz. “The epic failure of the Minnesota Twins in the first month of the season deserves a vigorous, full-throated response. And soon all of us will be able to provide it.” Walz revealed a graduated plan that will allow all Minnesotans to beat the holy hell out of the und
  14. Citing increased vaccination rates and falling COVID numbers, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced new metrics for roasting the hell out of the Minnesota Twins. “I’m incredibly proud of the work Minnesotans have done in getting us to this point,” said Walz. “The epic failure of the Minnesota Twins in the first month of the season deserves a vigorous, full-throated response. And soon all of us will be able to provide it.” Walz revealed a graduated plan that will allow all Minnesotans to beat the holy hell out of the underperforming 11-19 squad no later than July 1st. PHASE 1 May 7: Fu
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