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RandBalls Stu

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RandBalls Stu last won the day on November 11

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  1. Don’t be fooled by these deals. They’re not steals. Image courtesy of K-Bid As you battle your fellow Minnesotans for the last Rosedale parking spot, hoping the sporting goods store has an XL Byron Buxton Twin Cities jersey you can drop half a paycheck on, you should know that there are many other online and brick-and-mortar outlets showcasing their wares for you, the hardcore Twins fan. Twins Daily has run the numbers, and what follows are the worst consumer options out there. Keep your head on a swivel. 20% off signed copies of “Why Is He So Tiny Now? An Oral History of Bret Boone’s Three Weeks as a Minnesota Twin.” $99 for a six-month premium subscription to My Favorite Blown Calls, Phil Cuzzi’s podcast about his signature umpiring moments. Free first-timer visit to Ken Mauer and Andrelton Simmons’ new holistic medicine outlet, Vitastrong, located in Maplewood’s worst strip mall. No vaccines, no doctors, just nutritional advice from a cooked shortstop and an NBA ref that looks like he wears a leather jacket to Latin Mass. Vitastrong is not responsible for any measles you get during your visit, and you will get measles. Trial subscription to Aaron Gleeman’s new Substack newsletter, Text Messages I Haven’t Responded To. The Twins beat writer shares all the texts he gets from other baseball writers, morning radio hosts with unlikely haircuts, and unwashed bloggers to whom he simply is never going to reply. Use code WOULDYOUJUSTSTOPDANA to receive 40% off. 50% off The Motivational Speeches of Tommy Herr. This 12-cassette collection from the recalcitrant infielder for whom we traded away Tom Brunansky is the perfect gift for the father or uncle you flat-out hate. Craigslist ad for Metrodome urinal trough. It says $40 or best offer, but it’s just a scam. Do not ask which Twins Daily writers have had their credit card information compromised by this too-good-to-be-true deal (OK, so far it’s Stu, Parker, and John). View full article
  2. As you battle your fellow Minnesotans for the last Rosedale parking spot, hoping the sporting goods store has an XL Byron Buxton Twin Cities jersey you can drop half a paycheck on, you should know that there are many other online and brick-and-mortar outlets showcasing their wares for you, the hardcore Twins fan. Twins Daily has run the numbers, and what follows are the worst consumer options out there. Keep your head on a swivel. 20% off signed copies of “Why Is He So Tiny Now? An Oral History of Bret Boone’s Three Weeks as a Minnesota Twin.” $99 for a six-month premium subscription to My Favorite Blown Calls, Phil Cuzzi’s podcast about his signature umpiring moments. Free first-timer visit to Ken Mauer and Andrelton Simmons’ new holistic medicine outlet, Vitastrong, located in Maplewood’s worst strip mall. No vaccines, no doctors, just nutritional advice from a cooked shortstop and an NBA ref that looks like he wears a leather jacket to Latin Mass. Vitastrong is not responsible for any measles you get during your visit, and you will get measles. Trial subscription to Aaron Gleeman’s new Substack newsletter, Text Messages I Haven’t Responded To. The Twins beat writer shares all the texts he gets from other baseball writers, morning radio hosts with unlikely haircuts, and unwashed bloggers to whom he simply is never going to reply. Use code WOULDYOUJUSTSTOPDANA to receive 40% off. 50% off The Motivational Speeches of Tommy Herr. This 12-cassette collection from the recalcitrant infielder for whom we traded away Tom Brunansky is the perfect gift for the father or uncle you flat-out hate. Craigslist ad for Metrodome urinal trough. It says $40 or best offer, but it’s just a scam. Do not ask which Twins Daily writers have had their credit card information compromised by this too-good-to-be-true deal (OK, so far it’s Stu, Parker, and John).
  3. New Twins trainer lays down law, calls into question previous health and injury practices. Image courtesy of © Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports Of the many issues that befell the 2022 Minnesota Twins, a run of truly wretched injury luck was a decisive factor. Per Baseball Reference, they lost 9.4 Wins Above Replacement to injuries. It drove the team to hire a new athletic trainer, Nick Paparesta, away from Oakland. And the changes are coming fast. “I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus,” said Paparesta. “This is not a metaphor. They would actually put players under the team bus last year to quote ‘blast their abs’ unquote. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wildly irresponsible.” Paparesta, who spent the last 12 seasons with the Athletics, also called into question the team’s practice of not letting anyone leave after the game without licking their locker clean to prevent the spread of germs and bad humors. “There was a sign above the exit that said ‘If you’re not licking you’re losing.’ The entire team had thrush the entire season. They had diseases usually associated with 17th century sailors. The bullpen had a malaria outbreak. Mosquitoes feared them.” Although it’s impossible to eliminate hazards of the game like comebackers and wild pitches, Paparesta emphasized there are things you can do to mitigate the injury risk. “This shouldn’t need to be said, but if a pitch is coming towards your head, do not open your mouth for good luck in the coming harvest season,” said Paparesta. “You’ll wreck your teeth. No one here is a farmer. I’m baffled by this approach.” “Similarly, if there is comebacker to the mound, thrusting your midsection at the ball to assert dominance and virility is not sound advice,” continued Paparesta. “A lot of these young guys want to start families someday. Taking a rocket to the gooch works against that.” The team offered no further comment on previous health and injury guidelines but confirmed that they’re sourcing their 2023 sunflower seeds from a supplier that uses less cobra venom in the seasoning process. “We had never heard of ‘nightmare diarrhea’ before. It was a teachable moment,” said a front office source. "It's still going to smell like World War I for a while, that's not going away anytime soon." View full article
  4. Of the many issues that befell the 2022 Minnesota Twins, a run of truly wretched injury luck was a decisive factor. Per Baseball Reference, they lost 9.4 Wins Above Replacement to injuries. It drove the team to hire a new athletic trainer, Nick Paparesta, away from Oakland. And the changes are coming fast. “I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus,” said Paparesta. “This is not a metaphor. They would actually put players under the team bus last year to quote ‘blast their abs’ unquote. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wildly irresponsible.” Paparesta, who spent the last 12 seasons with the Athletics, also called into question the team’s practice of not letting anyone leave after the game without licking their locker clean to prevent the spread of germs and bad humors. “There was a sign above the exit that said ‘If you’re not licking you’re losing.’ The entire team had thrush the entire season. They had diseases usually associated with 17th century sailors. The bullpen had a malaria outbreak. Mosquitoes feared them.” Although it’s impossible to eliminate hazards of the game like comebackers and wild pitches, Paparesta emphasized there are things you can do to mitigate the injury risk. “This shouldn’t need to be said, but if a pitch is coming towards your head, do not open your mouth for good luck in the coming harvest season,” said Paparesta. “You’ll wreck your teeth. No one here is a farmer. I’m baffled by this approach.” “Similarly, if there is comebacker to the mound, thrusting your midsection at the ball to assert dominance and virility is not sound advice,” continued Paparesta. “A lot of these young guys want to start families someday. Taking a rocket to the gooch works against that.” The team offered no further comment on previous health and injury guidelines but confirmed that they’re sourcing their 2023 sunflower seeds from a supplier that uses less cobra venom in the seasoning process. “We had never heard of ‘nightmare diarrhea’ before. It was a teachable moment,” said a front office source. "It's still going to smell like World War I for a while, that's not going away anytime soon."
  5. It’s a little something I like to call capitalism. Deal with it, haters. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ryan Quintal I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball. Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause. In the end, there was only one right answer. Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars. Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services. One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins. I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless. I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.) Regards, Stu View full article
  6. I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball. Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause. In the end, there was only one right answer. Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars. Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services. One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins. I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless. I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.) Regards, Stu
  7. The former Twins great used a tube of soppressata in a 1987 World Series game. Image courtesy of Eli Libedensky/Unsplash Houston Astros catcher Martin Maldonado was barred from using a maple bat in Game 1 of the 2022 World Series. The bat, given to him by Albert Pujols, was deemed illegal due to the threat of splintering and potential injury. While odd, it’s not the first time the Fall Classic has seen this kind of controversy. “The bats didn’t get from Minneapolis to St. Louis in time, so I had to improvise,” said former Twins great Kent Hrbek about his first at-bat in Game 3 of the 1987 World Series. The Bloomington native used a 41-inch tube of salami in his first plate appearance, lining out to shortstop before the umpires made him use a traditional wooden bat the rest of the game. NOTE: Video of the at-bat has been removed from all MLB servers, so please watch this Metrodome food service training video instead: “We were up 2-0 in the Series and we didn’t want to change our routine, you know how superstitious ballplayers are,” said Hrbek. “I wasn’t going to use (Gary) Gaetti’s bat and break it, he was on fire all post season. So I just used my walking around meat. The boys in blue weren’t amused.” Hrbek, known for his voracious appetite, often carried a variety of cured meats and venison jerky on his person at the time. Legendary baseball writer Peter Gammons asked Hrbek about the at-bat after the game. Hrbek excused himself, showered, returned to his locker with a towel around his waist, and proceeded to eat the formidable sausage/emergency bat in front of Gammons without ever breaking eye contact. “Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Gammons. “He didn’t even blink. Just bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Felt like eternity, but it probably only took him 2-3 minutes. I think he unhinged his jaw.” The Twins would go on to defeat the Cardinals in seven games for their first World Series title. Photo credit here View full article
  8. Houston Astros catcher Martin Maldonado was barred from using a maple bat in Game 1 of the 2022 World Series. The bat, given to him by Albert Pujols, was deemed illegal due to the threat of splintering and potential injury. While odd, it’s not the first time the Fall Classic has seen this kind of controversy. “The bats didn’t get from Minneapolis to St. Louis in time, so I had to improvise,” said former Twins great Kent Hrbek about his first at-bat in Game 3 of the 1987 World Series. The Bloomington native used a 41-inch tube of salami in his first plate appearance, lining out to shortstop before the umpires made him use a traditional wooden bat the rest of the game. NOTE: Video of the at-bat has been removed from all MLB servers, so please watch this Metrodome food service training video instead: “We were up 2-0 in the Series and we didn’t want to change our routine, you know how superstitious ballplayers are,” said Hrbek. “I wasn’t going to use (Gary) Gaetti’s bat and break it, he was on fire all post season. So I just used my walking around meat. The boys in blue weren’t amused.” Hrbek, known for his voracious appetite, often carried a variety of cured meats and venison jerky on his person at the time. Legendary baseball writer Peter Gammons asked Hrbek about the at-bat after the game. Hrbek excused himself, showered, returned to his locker with a towel around his waist, and proceeded to eat the formidable sausage/emergency bat in front of Gammons without ever breaking eye contact. “Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Gammons. “He didn’t even blink. Just bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Felt like eternity, but it probably only took him 2-3 minutes. I think he unhinged his jaw.” The Twins would go on to defeat the Cardinals in seven games for their first World Series title. Photo credit here
  9. Many baseball publications, including this one, focus on players the Twins should acquire. The following is not that. Image courtesy of © Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins have several needs to meet this offseason. Shortstop. A top-of-the-rotation starter. Probably another catcher. Bullpen help. You can’t swing a dead cat without a local writer offering their suggestions. This is fine. What’s equally important, and what these so-called experts refuse to address, are the moves the Twins shouldn't make. A bad signing or ill-begotten trade can derail a season before it even begins. Andrelton Simmons. Tommy Herr. Matt Shoemaker. Names that live in Minnesota baseball infamy as surely as Phil Cuzzi or the marshmallow salesman who got clocked by Billy Martin. Here then are the free agents the Minnesota Twins should avoid as they build their 2023 roster. Reasonable people can often disagree, but not in this case: Matthew Perry. The former Friends star is releasing a memoir about his decades-long struggle with drug addiction, but it’s being overshadowed by his disparaging remarks regarding Keanu Reeves. Everyone loves Keanu Reeves. Off-the-field controversy is never something a team wants to court, especially if the free agent is 50 and only plays celebrity hockey. Ty Cobb. Dead. A 3BR, 2 BA house in Eagan. The spike in interest rates can’t help but make a financially conscious team like the Twins wary, and this spacious rambler with an open-concept kitchen and walk out basement doesn’t fit any of their current needs. Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. The team clearly wants Ryan Jeffers to be the everyday catcher, but his injury-marred 2022 and Minnesota’s lack of MLB-ready depth at the position points to the need for help. Unfortunately, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham is unavailable, as he was just acting and is much older now. Whitey Ford. Dead. The Papa John’s Papa Bowl. While the team might have gluten issues or are looking to cut out the healthy dose of carbs in pizza crust, a pile of hot pizza toppings in a bowl feels like it creates more problems than it solves. Lean proteins and vegetables feel like a better fit. Aaron Judge. He’s such a big dude he might bonk his head on Target Field’s doorways. For a team with a recent history of concussion issues, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Rod Carew. He’d still probably hit .300, but the power and speed just aren’t there, as he’s a 77-year-old man. Kanye West. Google “kanye+west”. Walter “Big Train” Johnson. Dead. Pat Mahomes. Twins lineage, generational arm talent, and a bona fide star. However, plays a different sport and would be unavailable for much of the season. Also his voice kinda sounds like a Muppet with a scratchy throat, which may cause problems with Twins outfielder Max Kepler, whose wife recently left him for Grover per Alpha News. View full article
  10. The Minnesota Twins have several needs to meet this offseason. Shortstop. A top-of-the-rotation starter. Probably another catcher. Bullpen help. You can’t swing a dead cat without a local writer offering their suggestions. This is fine. What’s equally important, and what these so-called experts refuse to address, are the moves the Twins shouldn't make. A bad signing or ill-begotten trade can derail a season before it even begins. Andrelton Simmons. Tommy Herr. Matt Shoemaker. Names that live in Minnesota baseball infamy as surely as Phil Cuzzi or the marshmallow salesman who got clocked by Billy Martin. Here then are the free agents the Minnesota Twins should avoid as they build their 2023 roster. Reasonable people can often disagree, but not in this case: Matthew Perry. The former Friends star is releasing a memoir about his decades-long struggle with drug addiction, but it’s being overshadowed by his disparaging remarks regarding Keanu Reeves. Everyone loves Keanu Reeves. Off-the-field controversy is never something a team wants to court, especially if the free agent is 50 and only plays celebrity hockey. Ty Cobb. Dead. A 3BR, 2 BA house in Eagan. The spike in interest rates can’t help but make a financially conscious team like the Twins wary, and this spacious rambler with an open-concept kitchen and walk out basement doesn’t fit any of their current needs. Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. The team clearly wants Ryan Jeffers to be the everyday catcher, but his injury-marred 2022 and Minnesota’s lack of MLB-ready depth at the position points to the need for help. Unfortunately, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham is unavailable, as he was just acting and is much older now. Whitey Ford. Dead. The Papa John’s Papa Bowl. While the team might have gluten issues or are looking to cut out the healthy dose of carbs in pizza crust, a pile of hot pizza toppings in a bowl feels like it creates more problems than it solves. Lean proteins and vegetables feel like a better fit. Aaron Judge. He’s such a big dude he might bonk his head on Target Field’s doorways. For a team with a recent history of concussion issues, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Rod Carew. He’d still probably hit .300, but the power and speed just aren’t there, as he’s a 77-year-old man. Kanye West. Google “kanye+west”. Walter “Big Train” Johnson. Dead. Pat Mahomes. Twins lineage, generational arm talent, and a bona fide star. However, plays a different sport and would be unavailable for much of the season. Also his voice kinda sounds like a Muppet with a scratchy throat, which may cause problems with Twins outfielder Max Kepler, whose wife recently left him for Grover per Alpha News.
  11. “I thought he would pass out,” said one concerned co-worker. Image courtesy of © Thomas Shea-USA TODAY Sports With both League Championship Series underway, local baseball fans can thrill to the unexpected National League matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and San Diego Padres. A pleasant reminder that the biggest payrolls or markets don’t always guarantee postseason glory, the first two games have been tense and entertaining. There’s also the ALCS. “Man, I don’t know,” said Brian Allmendinger, 44, a Medina-based systems analyst and lifelong Twins fan, responding to a question about the matchup between the New York Yankees and Houston Astros. “I just…man.” Allmendinger excused himself to smoke a cigarette. Allmendinger’s co-workers are concerned. “When New York eliminated Cleveland, he sighed for 47 seconds,” said Alexis Wolff. “We timed it. I’ll be honest with you, I thought he would pass out.” “His face turned beet red and he just kept shaking his head real slowly,” said Mateo Gutierrez. “I think we were all a little worried about him.” “He doesn’t even smoke,” added Wolff. With Minnesota’s postseason nemesis in the Bronx facing scandal-marred Houston, it’s tough for many Twins partisans to find a rooting interest. “Hate is a strong word,” said Allmendinger. “Needlessly throwing it around devalues the concept and the emotion. It's cruel and ultimately harmful. With that being said, I hate the Yankees and Astros. I don’t want them to lose. I want them to lose and suffer.” Given that one of those teams has to advance, Allmendinger was asked if he had a preference for one or the other to lose. “It’s just that…god,” said Allmendinger, his head in his hands. “I can’t…I don’t. I can’t.” Allmendinger excused himself, saying he left something in this car. He didn’t return to finish the interview, but was observed sitting in his Ford Fiesta, staring straight ahead. The radio wasn’t on. Darkness fell. View full article
  12. With both League Championship Series underway, local baseball fans can thrill to the unexpected National League matchup between the Philadelphia Phillies and San Diego Padres. A pleasant reminder that the biggest payrolls or markets don’t always guarantee postseason glory, the first two games have been tense and entertaining. There’s also the ALCS. “Man, I don’t know,” said Brian Allmendinger, 44, a Medina-based systems analyst and lifelong Twins fan, responding to a question about the matchup between the New York Yankees and Houston Astros. “I just…man.” Allmendinger excused himself to smoke a cigarette. Allmendinger’s co-workers are concerned. “When New York eliminated Cleveland, he sighed for 47 seconds,” said Alexis Wolff. “We timed it. I’ll be honest with you, I thought he would pass out.” “His face turned beet red and he just kept shaking his head real slowly,” said Mateo Gutierrez. “I think we were all a little worried about him.” “He doesn’t even smoke,” added Wolff. With Minnesota’s postseason nemesis in the Bronx facing scandal-marred Houston, it’s tough for many Twins partisans to find a rooting interest. “Hate is a strong word,” said Allmendinger. “Needlessly throwing it around devalues the concept and the emotion. It's cruel and ultimately harmful. With that being said, I hate the Yankees and Astros. I don’t want them to lose. I want them to lose and suffer.” Given that one of those teams has to advance, Allmendinger was asked if he had a preference for one or the other to lose. “It’s just that…god,” said Allmendinger, his head in his hands. “I can’t…I don’t. I can’t.” Allmendinger excused himself, saying he left something in this car. He didn’t return to finish the interview, but was observed sitting in his Ford Fiesta, staring straight ahead. The radio wasn’t on. Darkness fell.
  13. It's a cave for Jakes. Image courtesy of © Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins began their 40-man roster purge this week, parting ways with the likes of Devin Smeltzer and Jermaine Palacios. Perhaps the most familiar name on the list of now-former Twins is longtime fourth outfielder Jake Cave, who declined his option to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He will instead join the Baltimore Orioles. “We can’t say enough about the professionalism and great attitude Jake brought to the Twins,” said Twins GM Derek Falvey. “There are tough choices to make every offseason as we reset our roster, and we felt the best place for him was Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He disagreed and we wish him the best.” Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, Jake Cave is a cave for Jakes fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. Jake Cave’s last visit to Jake Cave was in 2018, where he worked on various arts and crafts, learned basic auto repair and played the role of Kenickie in a production of the musical Grease. “I have a family,” said Cave at the time. “Why am I here? This is so weird.” The cave found itself in the news recently when one of its most recent alums, social media idiot and MMA fighter Jake Paul, returned for a controversial visit. “We don’t comment on any past or current Jakes,” said Jake Cave spokesperson Annika Hunter. “We can say that we’re cooperating with local and state authorities and that most of the miniature horses were already deceased before catching fire.” To make room for Cave, the Orioles designated reliever Jake Reed for assignment to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He’s expected to accept the move and report within the next 48 hours for calisthenics and woodworking. View full article
  14. The Minnesota Twins began their 40-man roster purge this week, parting ways with the likes of Devin Smeltzer and Jermaine Palacios. Perhaps the most familiar name on the list of now-former Twins is longtime fourth outfielder Jake Cave, who declined his option to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He will instead join the Baltimore Orioles. “We can’t say enough about the professionalism and great attitude Jake brought to the Twins,” said Twins GM Derek Falvey. “There are tough choices to make every offseason as we reset our roster, and we felt the best place for him was Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He disagreed and we wish him the best.” Located in the rolling Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, Jake Cave is a cave for Jakes fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s. Jake Cave’s last visit to Jake Cave was in 2018, where he worked on various arts and crafts, learned basic auto repair and played the role of Kenickie in a production of the musical Grease. “I have a family,” said Cave at the time. “Why am I here? This is so weird.” The cave found itself in the news recently when one of its most recent alums, social media idiot and MMA fighter Jake Paul, returned for a controversial visit. “We don’t comment on any past or current Jakes,” said Jake Cave spokesperson Annika Hunter. “We can say that we’re cooperating with local and state authorities and that most of the miniature horses were already deceased before catching fire.” To make room for Cave, the Orioles designated reliever Jake Reed for assignment to Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. He’s expected to accept the move and report within the next 48 hours for calisthenics and woodworking.
  15. The Twins didn’t make the playoffs this year. That stinks! However, this should be a fun postseason for all baseball fans. Here’s a guide to who you should root for as the postseason begins. Image courtesy of Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports THE AMERICAN LEAGUE NEW YORK YANKEES: If you can pull yourself away from cheering for the Cowboys, the Lakers, and Notre Dame, this is your team. Also, you are the devil. I hope they break into every Aaron Judge at-bat to show highlights of preseason NHL games. On the plus side, the longer they’re in the playoffs that’s less time for Josh Donaldson to dedicate to his first love (racism). CLEVELAND GUARDIANS: There are those who say, “Well, if the Twins can’t win, I hope the AL Central winner does.” These are the people who fall for every Facebook multi-level marketing scam. They have a garage full of LulaRoe tights. Don’t listen to them. SEATTLE MARINERS: No one deserves to win a World Series. The ideal outcome to this year’s playoffs would be for all 12 participants to get a teamwide case of mono and the league declaring Minnesota the champion since they’re healthy and have kind eyes. Some blowhards might say this title would have an asterisk but it would still be 100x more legit than any title won during the color barrier era so I’ll see you all on the parade route. ANYWAY, since this likely won’t happen, Seattle seems cool. They probably should have won one when they won a thousand games in 2001. You can root for them, sure. My American League pick. TAMPA BAY RAYS: Until they re-rebrand as the Devil Rays, I can’t in good conscience advise cheering for this team. Which is a bummer, because their goofy, awful stadium reminds me of the Metrodome, a goofy, incredible stadium. TORONTO BLUE JAYS: They already have Ruffles All-Dressed chips. They need nothing else from us. HOUSTON ASTROS: No. THE NATIONAL LEAGUE PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: This city’s sports fans are true criminals and hooligans yet achieve a level of dirtbag grace that other metro areas can only hope to attain. That said, the Eagles just won a Super Bowl and look great again. They don’t need our help. SAN DIEGO PADRES: I honestly quit paying attention when Fernando Tatis, Jr. got suspended. Remember when their uniforms were yellow and brown? ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: See HOUSTON ASTROS LOS ANGELES DODGERS: If you care whether they win or lose you’re more invested than their fans are. ATLANTA BRAVES: They have both Eddie Rosario and future MVP Robbie Grossman, god bless them both. However, they also have the racist chant and Ron Gant was out and sucks to be you, Lonnie Smith. Worst franchise in sports. Walk into the ocean, bozos. NEW YORK METS: They won a World Series with the entire team out of their minds on cocaine and beat Boston, the most insufferable sports city in America, to do it. They have Ed Escobar, one of the greatest Twins of all time. I hope they win every game 17-2 and they build a statue of Ed. THIS IS YOUR TEAM, MINNESOTA. LOVE THEM LIKE ED LOVES YOU. View full article
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