RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of © Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports Simeon Woods Richardson's struggles have been well documented here and elsewhere. His ineffectiveness has only been magnified by the tidal wave of injuries impacting the rest of the starting rotation. While his move to the bullpen last week was the first step in rebuilding him into the effective pitcher he was in 2024 and 2025, there are other plans in motion as well. "Simeon used to pitch good," said a member of the coaching staff who asked to remain anonymous. "In April and May, he pitched bad. That's why we're implementing the 'Stop Pitching Bad' program for him." While specifics on the program are nebulous, sources were able to give Twins Daily the general framework. "What this program does is say, 'Simeon, stop pitching bad. Pitch good instead,'" said the staff member. "'The pitches you've been throwing have been bad. The next time you're on the mound, make good ones. Not bad ones. They hit the bad ones really hard and far.'" Other sources confirmed these points of emphasis. "What this program aims to accomplish is making bad things good," said a front office source. "Stop doing bad things. Start doing good things. The good things make you happy. The bad things make you sad and are also very loud and startling." "The Stop Pitching Bad protocol is designed to make the bad pitches stop," said a source in the team's analytics department. "We dig into what's causing (Woods Richardson)'s problems. Through rigorous statistical analysis and hours of film study, we've determined that bad pitches are the primary driver for his rough start. If we replace those bad pitches with good pitches, it flips the whole thing for him and the rotation." Woods Richardson's most recent appearance was one inning of relief during Monday's 6-3 victory over Houston. Sources say they were happy with the early returns. "He allowed a hit and a walk, but there were less bad pitches than there had been," said the front office source. "One of the best ways to Stop Bad Pitches is to throw fewer of them. One inning instead of five is a remarkably effective way of getting immediate results, and you saw the impact on Monday." View full article

Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-Imagn Images Samuel Lewiston "Sloot" Von Hansen has been a baseball fan and a math geek his whole life. When he discovered the world of sabermetrics, it intensified both interests and opened up a post-collegiate career in the world of baseball statistics. He was getting paid to do what he loved, and there was no looking back. His opinion on sabermetrics in May 2026? "Meaningless. A dog's breakfast. Mere darts at a board," he said. "A handful of dust blown by an idiot wind." The cause of Von Hansen's loss of faith? Twins starter Bailey Ober. "How can you explain what he's doing," cried the married father of two. "You cannot. The math does not math. He strikes nobody out. His fastball never hits 90. His changeup isn't even a changeup, it's just 5 mph slower than his fastball, which, as I have already said and will say again, isn't fast." The final straw for Von Hansen was Ober's Tuesday night outing, a masterful "Maddux" (a complete game shutout with less than 100 pitches thrown, named after Hall of Famer Greg Maddux) versus the Miami Marlins. "The Minnesota Twins defense, outside of Byron Buxton, has never met a ball in play that they didn't want to turn into a meal," shouted a red-faced Von Hansen, growing louder by the second. "All Ober does is put balls in play because he can't strike anyone out. Is no one else watching this happen? How can we abide this? Agahghaehage [sic]!" Von Hansen said he tried to calculate the probability of Ober's Tuesday stat line on his laptop after the game, using Ober's velo, BABIP, and team defense metrics. The result, he said, broke him irreparably. "The machine wouldn't provide an answer," said Von Hansen. "Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The screen went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It read: ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA ATTEMPT NO LANDING THERE USE THEM TOGETHER USE THEM IN PEACE "Then it melted." Von Hansen said he has abandoned sabermetrics, math, baseball, reason itself, and his family. "I flew to Belgium last night and am driving to a remote monastery as I speak. I have renounced all my worldly possessions. I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar. Nothing matters, you see? Do you see?" Von Hansen broke down in tears and said he was throwing his phone out the window into a nearby pond. The line went dead. Ober sits at 4-2 for the season with a 3.46 ERA. His next start is slated to be against Milwaukee this Sunday. View full article

Image courtesy of USA Today/Tom Heitman On Wednesday, the Houston Astros revealed that former Twin Carlos Correa tore a tendon in his good ankle while taking batting practice. Season-ending surgery is on the docket, and he's on the shelf until 2027. Close readers of this website know that late last summer, the Twins made the salary dump of all salary dumps, sending Correa back to Houston for journeyman reliever Matt Mikulski, along with $33 million of Correa's remaining $96 million salary. So, did we win? THE CASE FOR YES: Minnesota isn't on the hook for $63 million worth of a player who isn't playing. Even if they had no way of knowing that Correa would have a fluke injury to his non-janky ankle, aging players do get hurt. It really is better to be lucky than good, sometimes. And the Twins haven't been in any danger of being good for a couple of seasons now, so luck is truly their best bet. THE CASE FOR NO: To paraphrase the prophet, you do not, under any circumstances, gotta hand it to them. Minnesota hasn't invested those future savings in anything, and they traded everyone who wasn't nailed down after moving Correa. Mikulski was such a throw-in that he couldn't even compete for a spot in the 2026 Minnesota Twins bullpen, which is breaking official and unofficial records for hurtfulness and sadness. Every reliever's entrance music is Elliott Smith's "Needle in the Hay." I hope Mikulski invested wisely and/or learns to throw a knuckleball, because this is definitely a sign that your baseball career is in crisis. THE DETERMINATION: There are no winners here. Houston has a worse record than Minnesota, despite an enormous payroll. They're tied with the Angels for the worst record in the American League. The temptation to take solace from that as a Twins fan is mighty, but you mustn't. I'm writing this after Wednesday's 15-2 drubbing by an unremarkable Washington Nationals squad. Unless you yourself were paying Correa that money, it's hard to feel good about anything right now. In conclusion, I award both teams zero points, and may God have mercy on their souls. Maybe Matt Mikulski's most of all. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Jason Taellious I've written at length—and with startling frequency—about the trauma Ron Davis inflicted upon me as a child. It was a rare treat for someone living 90 minutes outside the metro area to see a baseball game, and of the few I managed to see, Ron Davis managed to blow a hell-ton of them. OK, it was only two, but the sample size was, like, four. And the record shows this experience was not limited to me, nor directed at me. He blew 14 saves in 1984! That really happened! It seems made up! That said, I'm not here to relitigate the past, or angrily wish for him to step on a bunch of LEGOs in the dark (again). Instead, I'm here to say: I'm sorry, Ron. I'm sorry. I thought I knew what bullpen incompetence was. I thought I knew what it was like to have certain victory snatched from my greedy, grasping hands by a [redacted] meatball you grooved to Don Mattingly or Harold Baines. I thought I knew what rock bottom was. I was wrong. I was so very wrong. The folly of youth, perhaps caused by raging hormones or shelter from the diamond-sharp cruelties of an indifferent universe, is that, when things go wrong, it's the worst thing to ever happen. Not just to you, but to anyone. I understand there's famine and war, but have you considered that Ron Davis is coming in to pitch the ninth inning for my favorite team again? How can this happen? The last nine months have shown me just how ignorant and incurious about the world I was. The post-2025 trade deadline Twins bullpen is a disaster, wrapped in a travesty, inside an apocalypse. This was noted at the time it happened. It was noted all offseason. It was noted in spring training. It was noted when they surged to an early AL-leading record. And now, with the Twins blowing every game when they're not up by seven runs, it is being noted again. Everyone saw it coming. No one did anything about it. No one is coming to save us. It's over. You might wish for it not to be over, but wish in one hand and [redacted] in the other. See which one fills up first. So, Ron, I once again extend my sincerest apologies. I thought you were the worst. You weren't. You weren't even close. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Scott Smith Adam Prokosch didn't see it coming. "The Twins had just knocked [Mets closer] Devin Williams out of the game," said the Maple Plain resident. "The new reliever got an out, and the fans started yelling 'MVP! MVP!' The depths of their misery had sunk them to the point where they were doing loud sarcasm. That's never good. "I remember doing that at a Vikings game when Blair Walsh made an extra point. You're really in a vulnerable place when you're doing that. And that's when it happened: I felt bad for Mets fans." Prokosch remembers the sensation with vivid clarity. "You have the second-highest payroll in baseball, but you're still second banana in your home market. You're on your longest losing streak in 25 years, and you're about to lose to a team that just slashed payroll by $30 million. Your high-priced bullpen is going to lose to a team that forgot to staff one. I imagined how awful that would feel. A gut punch after a kidney punch." The moment passed quickly. "I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again." Despite that assurance, Prokosch's loved ones are worried. "You can't just say you feel bad for Mets fans out loud," said Charlie Johnson, Prokosch's co-worker. "Keep an intrusive thought like that tucked away inside. Other people can hear you. They might spiral, too." "When the Mets won on Wednesday and they reacted like they won the Super Bowl and an Olympic gold medal at the same time, I almost felt bad like Adam did," said Rachel Ryan, Prokosch's girlfriend. "Think of the years of self-loathing that lead you to that exact point. But you have to remember that it's the Mets. It's a Hell of their own making. They've chosen this perverse path of their own free will. Empathy is a wonderful thing, but you can't just parcel it out willy-nilly." For his part, Prokosch said he's learned from the experience and is ready to move on. "They're already nine games out of first and there's still a week left in April," exclaimed Prokosch. "The owner is actually spending money on the team! Meanwhile, the Twins probably have to pay for their own sunflower seeds. I should laugh at the dark humor of it all. Please don't let this moment of weakness define how you think of me. I've learned and I'm growing." Obligingly, the Mets and their fans prevailed over the Twins in a seesaw contest Thursday night, making it easy to resent them all over again. The winning hit was a bases-clearing double by Bo Bichette, who will make more this season than Byron Buxton, Ryan Jeffers, Joe Ryan, Josh Bell and Bailey Ober (the Twins' five highest-paid active players) combined. "[Forget] that guy," Prokosch said. "[Forget] them all." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Neville E. Guard-USA TODAY Sports In 2022, the Minnesota Twins roared to an unexpected 22-16 start. The fans we spoke with at the time were surprisingly fed up with the team. Despite the promising first six weeks of the season, perhaps they sensed the team would collapse down the stretch and finish with a 78-84 mark. Now, with the team surpassing low preseason expectations and off to a genuinely decent start in 2026, we asked these same fans for their reaction to the current stretch of winning baseball amid slashed payroll and front office shuffling. "These dummies don't know they're outmanned and outgunned," said Beck Bradford, 45, who now runs the Elko New Market Co-Ed Seniors Pickleball League. "They're winning games with Bert Kreischer [EDITOR’S NOTE: We think Mr. Bradford meant Ryan Kreidler], which just isn’t sustainable. They should be promoting the kids at Triple A, trading all the bums for prospects, and firing everyone in the front office. "They put Garrett Crochet in a blender on Monday night. I've never been more angry." Tamara Kapsner, now 53, still lives in Robbinsdale and still has her doubts about the Twins. “The starting pitching depth is gone. The bullpen can’t possibly keep getting away with throwing that slop. Royce Lewis is hurt once again. No one can play defense.” When asked if she can set all that aside to simply enjoy a fun week of baseball, Kapsner was nonplussed. “My therapist says I shouldn’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good,” she said. “My therapist has never watched Bailey Ober try to hit 90 on the gun in a game that counts.” Hank Winters, who expressed vigorous disappointment in Byron Buxton’s injury history for our 2022 piece, passed away in 2025 after hearing Chappell Roan’s “Pink Pony Club” at the White Bear Lake Sam’s Club. He was 70 years old. His fourth wife and widow, Brenda, had this to say: “Hank would want everyone to know that the Pohlads are cheap, Byron Buxton is soft, Rocco [Baldelli, former Twins manager] should be in Leavenworth, and that he doesn’t regret leaving his entire estate to the freedom-loving patriots of January 6th. I live with my sister’s family now. I hate him.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Sarah Stierch As the unheralded Eric Orze closed the door on the Detroit Tigers Thursday afternoon, the Minnesota Twins found themselves above .500 for the first time since June of last year. The four-game sweep of their AL Central rivals has the skeptics and haters scrambling for an answer. "Obviously, it's a small sample size, and you'd be foolish to draw any season-long conclusions from four games," said Preston Schreiber, 42, of Prior Lake. "But it's still a sweep over the best team in the division. They beat [Tarik] Skubal and [Framber] Valdez with their inexplicable roster of plodding lefty outfielders. I can only assume that the Tigers have one of those wasting illnesses people got on the high seas in the 1700s, and they're covering it up. I have no other explanation." Minnesota's starting pitching led the charge during the sweep, which isn't surprising from Joe Ryan and the red-hot Taj Bradley, but more baffling for the unproven Mick Abel and the soft-tossing Bailey Ober. "Did Ober throw over 90 mph at all on Wednesday?" asked Kraig Jansson, 51, of Centerville. "I don't think he did? And he had a 6-0 lead to start the 2nd! What is going on? I'm scared, I'll just be honest here. I'm scared and I don't know what to do." At least one fan thinks there's more to the situation than just a run of decent play and a scuffling opponent. "I just got done watching the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament," said Sydney Nathe, 33, of Paynesville. "They were constantly running ads for Impractical Jokers, on TruTV or whatever. I don't know anyone who watches it. I don't think anyone ever has, if we're keeping it real. But from the commercials I saw, this Twins streak seems like the kind of hijinks the Jokers get up to." Twins Daily reached out to TruTV for a response, but we were told only that an all-new season of pranks, laughs, and crack-ups was coming soon to your local cable or satellite provider. "Their website says they've filmed almost 300 episodes," said Nathe. "That can't be right. Why is this happening?" Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of RandBall's Stu On Tuesday, I was invited to Target Field for a preview of the new food and drink offerings for the upcoming season. As a former industry professional, I focused on the drink side of the menu, but can heartily recommend Red Cow's Double Barrel burger and the Chocolate Fish on a Stick (it's a fish-shaped waffle, not actual fish). I tried every single one of the alcoholic and N/A offerings available. My stomach wasn't what one would call pleased with that decision, but service journalism is a cause greater than one's gut biome. MOCKTAILS There are four craft mocktails available at Hrbek's, Town Ball Tavern, and Truly On Deck. Moon Shot (above right)--Tastes like Capri Sun. Change Up (above left)--Tastes like Sunny D. MVPina Colada (above right)--Tastes like summer. Best presentation of the four. Bullpen Breeze (above left)--Tastes closest to an actual cocktail, might be the presence of ginger beer. Best/least overly sweet of the four. SUMMERTIME SHANDIES A shandy is traditionally half beer, half lemonade. The Target Field offerings hew closer to a Berliner Weisse, which is usually a low-ABV sour beer topped with a splash of flavored syrup. In this case, it's just Bud Light and your choice of five syrup options. They will not let you do all five; I asked. The two best flavors were raspberry (a nice little pucker without much cloying sweetness) and lemon (refreshing, pleasing bitterness). My least favorite was pear, which is a hard flavor to express in beer and was barely there in this iteration. Nouvelle Brewing in Robbinsdale had a fantastic pear sour, but I think it's retired. These are available all over the park. NIKO NIKO BOBA TEAS/DIRTY BOBA SODAS/BOOZY BOBAS Boba teas, for the uninitiated, are drinks with little tapioca "pearls" in them. Niko Niko (section 120) has expanded its offerings with different flavors for both the liquid and the pearls. I had these immediately after the mocktails, which was a mistake. Listen to your mother about too much sugar, kids. Boozy Bobas: I enjoyed the Tequila Sunrise (tequila, mango, lemon, and strawberry pearls). The Peach Palmer (a boozy peach tea Arnie Palmer with mango pearls) and Rum & Jam (boozy Tahitian Treat) were too sweet for me. Dirty Boba Sodas: A boba-fied riff on the preferred drink of the state of Utah, I refuse to offer a review until that one Real Housewife apologizes for pelting her kid with furniture. Flavor offerings: Creamy Pepsi, Peachy Dew, and Pink Cream Soda. Boba: All three get a positive mark! Signature Milk Tea was delicious, Strawberry Lemon Fizz was good and citrusy, and Hawaiian Fruit Tea tasted like vacation. Your kids will love these, and I honestly preferred them to the mocktails. MIX-AND-MATCH CARBLISS COCKTAILS Carbliss takes over the old Grey Duck space in the left field corner and will be offering their low-cal, zero-carb, canned vodka cocktails in these buckets: Those bad boys hold two cans of Carbliss. You can choose two of the same flavor or mix and match like a real mixologist. I preferred the blood orange of the six that were on offer. Yes, I tried all half-dozen flavors in a row. No, I don't recommend doing that, even with something as light and fizzy as Carbliss. My prediction is that this will be extremely popular. $2 BEERS Before the first pitch of every Friday and Saturday game, Twins fans can enjoy $2 12-oz. cans of Budweiser, Bud Light, and Summit Twins Pils. You don't need me to tell you what Bud and Bud Light taste like; Summit Twins Pils is the best beer they make and is a steal (wordplay) at that price point. OTHER DEVELOPMENTS Pryes Brewing is taking over the bar where Sue Nelson plays the organ and multiple Twins Daily writers meet for the best standing-room view of the field. Smart move by them. I've had two Miraculum IPAs in my life. They were fine, but I haven't had enough of their other offerings to give an informed review. Sun Cruiser is getting their own spot by Gate 34 with cornhole and putt-putt. Used to be the Jack Daniels Bar. If you were concerned there weren't going to be enough seltzer/canned cocktail outlets on game day, Surfside also has their own spot down the left-field line, on the club level. OUTSIDE THE STADIUM Best Dive Bar: Cuzzy's Best IPAs: Fulton Best Food/Beer Combo: Bricksworth Best THC Beverages: Modist View full article