Sabermetrician Renounces Math After Bailey Ober Start

Samuel Lewiston "Sloot" Von Hansen has been a baseball fan and a math geek his whole life. When he discovered the world of sabermetrics, it intensified both interests and opened up a post-collegiate career in the world of baseball statistics. He was getting paid to do what he loved, and there was no looking back.

His opinion on sabermetrics in May 2026? 

"Meaningless. A dog's breakfast. Mere darts at a board," he said. "A handful of dust blown by an idiot wind."

The cause of Von Hansen's loss of faith? Twins starter Bailey Ober.

"How can you explain what he's doing," cried the married father of two. "You cannot. The math does not math. He strikes nobody out. His fastball never hits 90. His changeup isn't even a changeup, it's just 5 mph slower than his fastball, which, as I have already said and will say again, isn't fast." 

The final straw for Von Hansen was Ober's Tuesday night outing, a masterful "Maddux" (a complete game shutout with less than 100 pitches thrown, named after Hall of Famer Greg Maddux) versus the Miami Marlins.

"The Minnesota Twins defense, outside of Byron Buxton, has never met a ball in play that they didn't want to turn into a meal," shouted a red-faced Von Hansen, growing louder by the second. "All Ober does is put balls in play because he can't strike anyone out. Is no one else watching this happen? How can we abide this? Agahghaehage [sic]!" 

Von Hansen said he tried to calculate the probability of Ober's Tuesday stat line on his laptop after the game, using Ober's velo, BABIP, and team defense metrics. The result, he said, broke him irreparably.

"The machine wouldn't provide an answer," said Von Hansen. "Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The screen went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It read:

ALL THESE WORLDS
ARE YOURS EXCEPT
EUROPA
ATTEMPT NO
LANDING THERE
USE THEM TOGETHER
USE THEM IN PEACE

"Then it melted."

Von Hansen said he has abandoned sabermetrics, math, baseball, reason itself, and his family.

"I flew to Belgium last night and am driving to a remote monastery as I speak. I have renounced all my worldly possessions. I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar. Nothing matters, you see? Do you see?"

Von Hansen broke down in tears and said he was throwing his phone out the window into a nearby pond. The line went dead.

Ober sits at 4-2 for the season with a 3.46 ERA. His next start is slated to be against Milwaukee this Sunday.