Sabermetrician Renounces Math After Bailey Ober Start

[RandBalls Stu]

Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-Imagn Images

Samuel Lewiston "Sloot" Von Hansen has been a baseball fan and a math geek his whole life. When he discovered the world of sabermetrics, it intensified both interests and opened up a post-collegiate career in the world of baseball statistics. He was getting paid to do what he loved, and there was no looking back.

His opinion on sabermetrics in May 2026? 

"Meaningless. A dog's breakfast. Mere darts at a board," he said. "A handful of dust blown by an idiot wind."

The cause of Von Hansen's loss of faith? Twins starter Bailey Ober.

"How can you explain what he's doing," cried the married father of two. "You cannot. The math does not math. He strikes nobody out. His fastball never hits 90. His changeup isn't even a changeup, it's just 5 mph slower than his fastball, which, as I have already said and will say again, isn't fast." 

The final straw for Von Hansen was Ober's Tuesday night outing, a masterful "Maddux" (a complete game shutout with less than 100 pitches thrown, named after Hall of Famer Greg Maddux) versus the Miami Marlins.

"The Minnesota Twins defense, outside of Byron Buxton, has never met a ball in play that they didn't want to turn into a meal," shouted a red-faced Von Hansen, growing louder by the second. "All Ober does is put balls in play because he can't strike anyone out. Is no one else watching this happen? How can we abide this? Agahghaehage [sic]!" 

Von Hansen said he tried to calculate the probability of Ober's Tuesday stat line on his laptop after the game, using Ober's velo, BABIP, and team defense metrics. The result, he said, broke him irreparably.

"The machine wouldn't provide an answer," said Von Hansen. "Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The screen went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It read:

ALL THESE WORLDS
ARE YOURS EXCEPT
EUROPA
ATTEMPT NO
LANDING THERE
USE THEM TOGETHER
USE THEM IN PEACE

"Then it melted."

Von Hansen said he has abandoned sabermetrics, math, baseball, reason itself, and his family.

"I flew to Belgium last night and am driving to a remote monastery as I speak. I have renounced all my worldly possessions. I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar. Nothing matters, you see? Do you see?"

Von Hansen broke down in tears and said he was throwing his phone out the window into a nearby pond. The line went dead.

Ober sits at 4-2 for the season with a 3.46 ERA. His next start is slated to be against Milwaukee this Sunday.

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[Parfigliano]

With ABS Challenges Maddux would have had to throw around 10-15 pitches more a game.  No more 3 inches outside called a strike 50% of the time.

[gil4]

I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar.

Tell him he doesn't have to limit himself quite so much.  They have some of the Trappist orders over there - they make beer, too.

 

[Jeff K]

19 hours ago, gil4 said:

I will sleep on the ground and help them make bread and vinegar.

Tell him he doesn't have to limit himself quite so much.  They have some of the Trappist orders over there - they make beer, too.

 

Damn Good beer.  Try St. Bernardus ABT 12

[Bangkok Twins Fan]

Wonderful article!

[ExtendGladdenFireAtteberry]

I’ve been reading Twins Daily periodically for a few years now and have managed to avoid being rage-baited into joining just so I could respond to various crotchety old users’ inflammatory comments. But I couldn’t not express my appreciation for this Randball’s Stu instant classic. Well done to the TD satirical scrivener (or scriveners) who toils in anonymity for our amusement, and chef’s kiss for this piece in particular.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 5/15/2026 at 9:08 AM, RandBalls Stu said:

"The machine wouldn't provide an answer," said Von Hansen. "Instead, it made a sound akin to a wave hitting a pier. The screen went to blue and the air smelled of ozone. A message appeared. It read:

ALL THESE WORLDS
ARE YOURS EXCEPT
EUROPA
ATTEMPT NO
LANDING THERE
USE THEM TOGETHER
USE THEM IN PEACE

"Then it melted."

Is this message really a statistical translation of Ober's game? Seems important to get to the proper earth entities, and i question how he concludes that bread and vinegar monastery is it...

Truly he has fallen from the pure faith if he is not showing his work (for partial credit at least)