RandBalls Stu

'In these tough economic times, a $3,000 pan of brownies will help us stay competitive.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Pam Menegakis 'In these tough economic times, a $3,000 pan of brownies will help us stay competitive.' The Minnesota Twins are in a bind. They are in the process of being sold. The front office is in a state of flux. They have a payroll restriction of $130 million, and a roster that’s going to make more than that. How can you navigate this uncertainty, bridge the financial gap, and make improvements to the roster? Cookies. “These are two dozen monster cookies, baked by Trevor Larnach himself,” said outgoing team president Dave St. Peter. “And they can be yours for $10,000.” While the price might strike some as outlandish, the cause is one that the team is hoping loyal fans will support. “Every dollar of profit from what we’re calling the Twins Territory Bake Sale goes towards helping us meet payroll in these unprecedented economic times,” said a front office source. “Once the ingredients are paid for and the Pohlads receive their standard 75% cut, the money keeps the roster intact with an eye towards the future. “Kent Hrbek is making him mom’s old icebox cookies recipe. Pablo López is making scotcheroos. Have you ever wanted to spend $15,000 on a pan of Rice Krispy bars from three-time All-Star Glen Perkins? There’s never been a better time, my friend.” When asked why the Pohlads wouldn’t use a fraction of their unimaginable wealth to make up the payroll difference, the source said he would be hunted for sport by deranged billionaires on the Pohlad family’s private island if he answered the question honestly. The Twins Territory Bake Sale runs through Dec. 15. Details can be found on the team’s website. This is the team’s first food-based fundraiser since Lew Ford’s 2004 Deep Fried Turkey Challenge, which supported the fight against adult eczema. Officials say most of the lawsuits have been settled and only one of the fires remains active. Image license here. View full article

Fearsome man/beast hybrid to split time between mayoral, Twins duties Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa Fearsome man/beast hybrid to split time between mayoral, Twins duties In a stunning result on Tuesday night, Twins mascot TC Bear was elected mayor of Owatonna, Minn. “I’m grateful to the people of Owatonna for putting their trust in me,” said Bear. “I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.” The unnerving man/beast hybrid ran as an independent and promised to “improve our roads and schools and absolutely smoke your dumb kids in home run contests, anytime, anywhere.” The accident of God and nature received 78% of the vote. Owatonna residents we spoke with say they are excited about the new leadership. “Hell yeah I voted for him,” said Owen Brady, 56, a lifelong resident of the town of 26,000. “You maybe get one chance in a lifetime to vote for a dude in a bear costume who has his own t-shirt cannon. He shares my values.” “I was at Target Field a few summers ago and TC just put a beating on [93X Morning Show shock jock] Dana Wessel in the home run contest,” said Megan Yang, 32. “He’d do a little dance, launch another bomb, and taunt Wessel over and over. It was humiliating. I can’t wait to see what he does for our city and its out-of-control disc jockeys.” Minnesota political experts say that while it’s unusual for a fake bear with blank, lifeless eyes to become mayor, unconventional candidates have succeeded in our state before. “We had a pro wrestler become governor,” said David Schultz, a professor of political science at Hamline University. “There’s a resort town up north where there’s a dog mayor. I will say, though, that this is the first time a godless beast, red in tooth and paw, has ascended to the mayor’s office. I fear him like I fear death.” Bear says his first act as mayor will be to work with the Chamber of Commerce on attracting new businesses to the city, followed closely by finding and hunting heretics. “There will be no mercy,” he said. View full article

'I was more animal than man...it's something I deal with every day.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonathan Cosen 'I was more animal than man...it's something I deal with every day.' The 2024 World Series ended Wednesday, with the Los Angeles Dodgers taking Game 5 from the New York Yankees, 7-6. While the Bronx Bombers were clearly outplayed, they managed to provide the Series’s most infamous moment, when a pair of Yankees fans attempted to remove a foul ball from Mookie Betts’s glove in Game 4. “That could’ve been me,” said Neil Matthewson, 58, a Twins season ticket holder. “It’s embarrassing, but it’s true.” The Chaska native told Twins Daily that he’s had some less-than-admirable moments in his seats along the right field line at Target Field. “We were in a real tense game against the Blue Jays a couple years ago, and Teoscar Hernández lost a ball in the sun,” said Matthewson. “I said, ‘Nice catch…not,’ under my breath, but I’m pretty sure the usher heard me. She kinda laughed, but I’m not proud of it.” Matthewson said this was not the first time he went “beast mode” at the park. “When Aaron Bummer was with the White Sox, he walked the bases loaded and got pulled,” said the advertising executive. “I stood up and clapped for him, but it was pretty clear that I was being sarcastic. There were some kids in the area, so I made sure to apologize to them and their parents.” He said that he doesn’t know where this darkness comes from, and that while he doesn’t condone the behavior of the Yankees fans in Game 4, he understands it. “I just really am passionate about the Minnesota Twins, like they are for New York, and we want them to succeed,” said Matthewson. “But sometimes it can go overboard. For example, I was behind a car with a Guardians bumper sticker on 212 the other day that changed lanes without signaling. I leaned on my horn pretty good, even though it didn’t bother me any. Not a great moment for ol’ Neil.” Matthewson’s friends and family confirm that he’s almost always easygoing and non-confrontational, but that sometimes “the animal” comes out when the Twins are involved. “When Houston eliminated the Twins from the playoffs last year, Dad took it hard,” said his son, Parker. “He actually stood up after the last out, put both hands on the railing in front of him, lowered his head, and said, and I quote, ‘Dammit.’ “He said he was sorry the entire drive home and asked if the Twins might take his season tickets away.” Image license here. View full article

‘I’ve been a lifelong fan of both teams, no cap. Can’t wait for Game 1,” he said, adjusting his Duke Blue Devils hat. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Nima Sarram ‘I’ve been a lifelong fan of both teams, no cap. Can’t wait for Game 1,” he said, adjusting his Duke Blue Devils hat. A New York-Los Angeles World Series may cause a collective groan for baseball fans in flyover country, but for Beckett Kelly, it’s a dream come true. Kelly, a 24-year-old senior at St. Thomas and a Stillwater native, spoke with Twins Daily about being one of the few local fans looking forward to seeing the high-payroll, high-visibility showdown. I can’t help but notice you’re wearing a CeeDee Lamb jersey…you’re not a Vikings fan? Were you born there? Lived in Minny my whole life, bro, but I’ve been a Cowboys fan from the jump. We’re America’s team, baby! I see. But you do like the Twins, I assume. I barely watch baseball. When I do, it’s when my Yanks are playing or the Dodgers are on West Coast time. You don’t like the Twins, and you don’t watch much baseball, but you’re on tilt for the Fall Classic? What’s that? The Fall Classic. The World Series. Oh, you should have just said that, brother. Fall Classic is what happens after too many shots at Plum’s. Boom, classic fall, get that guy an Uber! Do you know anyone on either team? Aaron Judge. Shohei Ohtani. Derek Jeter, The Captain. Jeter’s been retired for years now. Really? Damn. Missed that. Love The Captain. Gotta figure that makes the Dodgers the favorites. I see. Just because I’m curious, what other teams are you a fan of? My Duke Blue Devils, the Los Angeles Lakers, love the Crimson Tide in college football. Cowboys fan like I said, but damn I love Tom Brady. Played hockey growing up in ‘sota, so you best believe I’m a massive New York Rangers fan. Not the Wild? Nah, my first two stepmoms took me to a bunch of games when I was a kid, but I stopped going when my third stepmom got the season tickets in the divorce. OK, then. Any predictions? Like I said, gotta give the Dodgers the upper hand with Jeets out. The captain makes it happen. But he’s not out. He’s retired. Heard you the first time, bro, we’re all dealing with it. Not gonna let it distract me, been a fan of these teams my whole life, no cap. Can’t wait for Game 1. Image license here. View full article

Having self-respect and dignity is important. Yes, even online. Image courtesy of Flickr/jpellgen Having self-respect and dignity is important. Yes, even online. There have been many words written in the last week about the stunning announcement that the Twins were for sale. Most of them have been reasonable, clear-eyed assessments of the Pohlad family’s stewardship of the local franchise, warts and all, and what the future might hold. However. You can find, on God’s own internet, people debasing themselves in the service of the current owners. These simple, hard-working banker’s sons aren’t so bad, you see. Last year’s embarrassing payroll cut was just pragmatic. The attempt to contract the team a couple decades back is just water under the bridge, like when your mom made dad sleep in the garage for a few months after that one work trip during the Clinton presidency. And you never know, this next owner might be way worse than the so-called cheap Pohlads… First of all, no. Just no to all of this. The Pohlads pay people very well to do their marketing and PR for them. Whether you’re writing this for a media outlet or on your Tumblr page for the 17 remaining perverts on Tumblr, they don’t need your help, and you will not be rewarded with a seat at the table for it. Have some dignity, son! The payroll cut is one of the rare times when observers noted something and forecasted the likely outcome of it, and then it unfolded exactly that way. There’s no (valid) counterintuitive way to approach it! What if they spent that $30-$45 million on bad players with worse contracts? WHO CARES, is what. Reopen the schools. And oh my god, yes, we know, the next owner might be a real piece of crap. Thank you for your wisdom, sensei. Do you have an MBA? Did they name the Wharton School after you? Are you Warren Buffett? Are you really Jimmy Buffett’s cousin? The next owner is almost guaranteed to be unpleasant! Dudes (and it is always dudes) with that much money tend to be jerks, because who’s going to tell them they can’t be? And how would a nice person accrue that much money in the first place? It's really impolite! The threat that the new guys might have a team of lawyers working in a boiler room sussing out how to break unbreakable leases is real, but the current ownership would have thrown the franchise down a well for a cashier's check not that long ago. That threat is always there, regardless of who's signing the paychecks, because shareholder value doesn't care about your feelings. The very best you can hope for is a Mark Cuban type who is occasionally good/non-annoying 30 to 35% of the time and ponies up for a competitive product, even if it impacts a sliver of a fraction of his unimaginable wealth. The way I figure, there are two kinds of people writing this slop: People who are agitating, writing in bad faith, or trying to maintain a working/professional relationship with the Pohlads. People who sincerely believe this to be true. For the former, whatever, man. Good luck. I hope they let you on the yacht someday. For the latter, I need you to understand that you will not see heaven. Image license here. View full article

The premium offering allows fans to welcome the Twins legend into their home. Image courtesy of Eric Enfermero The premium offering allows fans to welcome the Twins legend into their home. The long-awaited resolution to the Minnesota Twins’ television drama arrived earlier this week, with Major League Baseball taking over the broadcast rights for the 2025 season. Included in this was the much-anticipated promise of a standalone streaming service, which is expected to offer three tiers: monthly, season-long, and a unique offering that allows fans to stream the games and host former Twins third baseman Gary Gaetti. “We wanted to make sure there were options for the entire fanbase,” said a source close to MLB’s streaming division. “A monthly tier allows fans to pay as they go, the season-long tier saves money in the long run, and the Gary Gaetti tier allows fans to provide room and board to one of the heroes of the 1987 World Champions.” Although no pricing is available, it’s expected to be in line with similar plans, with the Gaetti tier being a free upgrade to consumers who order the full-season plan during a promotional "pre-sale" window. “We like to think of this as a make-good for all the 2024 issues,” said the MLB source, referring to the team disappearing from local cable channels for most of the summer due to a carriage dispute. “You can stream almost every game, home or away, and spend time with The Rat (Gaetti’s nickname). He’ll bring his lifelong understanding of the game, a Ziploc bag of ranch-flavored sunflower seeds, and a battered thermos of hot black coffee to every subscriber’s living room.” Thursday’s announcement that the Pohlad family is exploring a sale of the franchise is not expected to impact this initiative. Gaetti was unavailable for comment, but a representative did say that the four-time Gold Glove winner prefers not to sleep on air mattresses and has a brutal cilantro & cumin allergy. “No taco or chili nights while Gary is there, it’s not pretty. It’s not pretty at all.” Image license here. View full article

When asked if a straight answer to the payroll question would be considered, the source laughed so hard he coughed up blood. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Money Knack When asked if a straight answer to the payroll question would be considered, the source laughed so hard he coughed up blood. Today marks the one-week anniversary of the Minnesota Twins’ official elimination from 2024 playoff contention. It also marks a turning point in ownership’s response to questions about the team’s 2025 payroll. “They’re going on offense,” said a source familiar with ownership’s thinking. “When Joe Pohlad gave those perfectly fine answers to (Aaron) Gleeman in The Athletic, it made everyone even madder for some reason. These commoners don’t understand that we don’t have to answer their questions, much less accurately. It’s disappointing.” This agitated response to Pohlad’s non-answer has caused the team to explore other avenues to avoid truthful answers. Per multiple sources, these are the options they’re considering: Remind everyone that they almost contracted the entire franchise 20+ years ago. “Fun little pastime you have here, would be a shame if something happened to it,” said the front office source. “Can’t complain about payroll if there isn’t one. Just something to think about before your next SELL THE TEAM post.” Buy The Athletic. “Everyone is still pretty mad that Gleeman kept asking follow-up questions to Joe,” said the source. “And if there’s one thing the Pohlads know how to do, it’s how to buy a media organization and make it go away. They spent $28 million on Go96 and sold it to a church. Here’s a follow-up question for Aaron: Your boss Joe Pohlad wants to see you in his office. Bring your laptop and any other company equipment.” The art of distraction. “When a reporter brings up payroll, we point out the window and say, ‘Look at that,’” said the source. “The reporter looks, sees nothing, turns back, and we’re not there anymore. Stealth, baby.” Words that mean nothing. “We’re going to a webinar next week about business jargon,” said the source. “If we can get all our guys to say ‘circle back,’ ‘pencil out,’ ‘core competencies,’ ‘mindful right-size,’ ‘headcount efficacy,’ and ‘managed spend,’ the media won’t know what hit them. Drop a ‘nimble’ or ‘macro topline’ on them and they’ll just go work at Starbucks. We're gonna thread the needle here.” An army of sycophants. “Go online for five minutes,” said the source. “People will go out of their way to praise billionaires who are clearly dumber than a bag of hair. The Pohlads have even more money than them! We just have to say that the media is being unfair, and these bozos will start talking about how good our trade deadline was." When asked if a straight answer to the payroll question would be considered, the source laughed so hard he coughed up blood. Our reporter turned away to call 911, and when they looked back, the interviewee was gone. Image license here. View full article

With the employee discount and manufacturer’s rebate, the total outlay for this fiscally responsible celebration is $10.99. Image courtesy of ABInbev With the employee discount and manufacturer’s rebate, the total outlay for this fiscally responsible celebration is $10.99. With the season in the balance, the Minnesota Twins are hoping to avert an all-time collapse and slip back into one of the final two Wild Card slots this weekend. And while no one wants to jinx anything, team officials need to make sure the team has something to celebrate with if they clinch. Just not champagne. “Have you priced out champagne lately?” asked a front office source. “It’s nuts! We can’t cut payroll and then go out and spend $200, $300 on bubbly that might not even get used. Thank goodness for Laramie.” The Laramie in question is intern Laramie Dotson, 22, of Ham Lake. In addition to his summer internship with the franchise, he works weekends at Liquor Boy in St. Louis Park. “That warm case of Busch Light Draft in the trunk of Laramie’s mom’s Honda Civic is ready when our boys right the ship and return to the American League playoffs,” said the source. With Laramie’s employee discount and the manufacturer’s rebate, the total outlay for this fiscally responsible celebration is $10.99. “We told him to submit an expense report, but between you and me, we have a way to comp him without all this paperwork,” said the source. “And it all starts in the toilet.” “You wouldn’t believe how much pocket change ends up in the men’s urinals,” said a source close to Target Field’s custodial division. “Obviously, paper money goes to the Pohlad family. But all those urine-drenched pennies add up, too.” When asked if they would put the beers on ice, the source responded with a laugh. “Ice? Whatever you say, Rockefeller. We’re not made of money.” The source went on to note that while the Pohlads have a cottage in Switzerland made from gold bars, it’s not technically currency--just like this immensely talented Twins team is not technically good. View full article

"Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits." Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alina Kacharho "Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits." NASSAU--With a battered team struggling to regain its mojo and a fanbase in full panic mode, it’s fair to assume that Twins ownership might be stressed, too. You’d assume wrong. “This is, frankly, the best season we’ve had in years,” said a source close to the Pohlads, speaking from the family's weekday yacht just off the coast of the Bahamas. “It’s a bottom-line business, and our bottom line is terrific. We’re in the black and that matters a heck of a lot more than any pennant race. Real fans get that.” The Pohlads have owned the Twins for four decades, and in that time, fans have seen two World Series titles and only tried to contract the team out of existence once. “We right-sized our business in the offseason and are reaping the benefits every day,” said the source. “Playoffs are fine if you’re just a casual fan, but the diehards? They know that solvency is the real championship.” The Twins' month-long skid has dragged them down into a tie with the surging Detroit Tigers, thanks to a lethal combination of injuries, an overworked bullpen, and an ineffective offense. The source was asked if people are overreacting to the current situation. “I understand that their tiny, working-class brains might not fathom it, and that’s OK. They spend all day in a factory doing whatever people do inside of them, then they go home to their hovels and vent. If they had tried harder in school, they’d have a better grasp of the nuances.” When asked if this might be a case of the Pohlads being out of touch, the source scoffed. “The little people, the rabble, are some of our best sources of income. The ownership group loves them and pays many of them a competitive wage for lawn and pool maintenance. Would it be nice if they showed a little more gratitude to their betters? Of course.” The source also reiterated that the team hopes to keep their streak of financial prudence going in the offseason. “Frankly, if they don’t make the playoffs, that’s less money spent on travel and keeping Target Field open. Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits.” View full article

There are two weeks left in the season. Focus on landing your cheap shots and unsubtle jabs before Game 162. Image courtesy of Flickr/Jen Gallardo (Fans Without Outstanding Warrants Day at Guaranteed Rate Field) There are two weeks left in the season. Focus on landing your cheap shots and unsubtle jabs before Game 162. While it’s important to monitor the Twins’ efforts to escape their worst slump of the season, hold on to their Wild Card spot, and hopefully be healthy enough to matter in the playoffs, it’s critical not to lose sight of another, equally important, goal: Remind fans of the godless Chicago White Sox that their team is a real stinkeroo. Although it’s easy to continue sending screenshots of the AL Central standings to these woebegone freaks, there are other ways to maximize their misery in the gloaming of the 2024 campaign: Go to the nearest prison and talk to them. White Sox fans don’t get a lot of visitors, as their families have long since disowned them for stealing from the elderly and infirm. Just remind them that the prison of fandom is one they can escape, unlike the penitentiary. Gather all the loose change from your car and/or purse. Tally it up and show them how many White Sox tickets you can buy on the secondary market. That $4.59 in pennies, dimes, and nickels will get you four upper deck tickets for the Angels game at Guaranteed Rate Field, plus change, before fees. Offer to match that amount and donate it to one of the charities they haven’t scammed yet (this could take some time, carve out an hour or two this weekend). Search internet and physical media archives. There were quite a few stories about the emerging White Sox dynasty in the late 2010s. Print them out. Make copies. Do whatever one does with a microfiche. Remind them of when they had hope. Remind them of when they thought Dad was coming back from going out for some cigarettes. Remind them. Make an offseason plan. There won’t be any daily reminders of the futility of their existence if the White Sox aren’t playing. It’s up to you. Texts. The US Mail. WhatsApp. Public access television. Instagram Reels. There’ve never been more outlets to bully and harangue the sicko White Sox fans in your life. They may not be playing in October, but they will be checking notifications. If Cameos are still a thing, see how much it costs to have one of the lesser Baldwins record a video reciting the final score of each White Sox loss this year. With some dedication and attention to craft, you can really pulverize what's left of their souls, if they have them, which they don't. Image license here. View full article

"I know the Twins are scuffling right now, but it’s time for me to let Sam Darnold ruin my life." Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ernst Gunther Krause "I know the Twins are scuffling right now, but it’s time for me to let Sam Darnold ruin my life." The fall is supposed to be a grand time for sports fans, as baseball’s pennant races heat up, football kicks off, the MLS and WNBA determine their champions, and the NHL and NBA start ramping up. For Brady Becker, that’s easier said than done. “I am absolutely losing my mind about the Twins right now, but there’s a Vikings game on Sunday,” said Becker. “I can’t be in two places at once. Decisions need to be made. I need to let Ed Ingram make my life completely miserable.” The local uncle let friends and family know in a Facebook post on Thursday that he would be turning his attention to agonizing about the Minnesota Vikings full-time with Sunday’s season opener versus the New York Giants. “The Twins are wracked by injuries and inconsistent play, and it’s ruining my life, my performance at work, and relationships with the people I love most,” said the 45-year-old Dakota County employee. “The innumerable flaws of the Vikings, from a shaky interior line all the way to the punter, need that attention.” The Castle Rock Township native says he’ll use Friday and Saturday to ratchet down his baseball angst for the “seething self-hatred” of being a professional football fan in Minnesota. “The Twins are the bane of my existence right now, but as sure as the days get shorter and nights get longer, the autumn wind demands that I focus all my agitation and misery on NFL Sundays.” Becker says he’s already taped and mudded some fresh drywall in his unattached garage that is “just right for punching, kicking, and headbutting if the situation demands it.” With the Twins still in excellent shape for a playoff spot despite the last two weeks, Becker is confident he’s making the decision at the right time. “The fact is, they (the Twins) played some really good baseball this summer. Even as the errors and 8-run innings crush my spirit, a small part of me knows that they’re in line for a Wild Card berth. My all-consuming rage needs a singular focus. “I know the Twins are scuffling right now, but it’s time for me to let Sam Darnold ruin my life.” Image license here. View full article

‘It reminds me of when my Grandpa Earl would sit in the garage and stare at nothing.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Richard Stachmann ‘It reminds me of when my Grandpa Earl would sit in the garage and stare at nothing.’ The Minnesota Twins have lost eight of their last 10. They are without 40% of their starting rotation for the rest of the regular season, their bullpen is stretched perilously thin, and every position player your kid likes is hurt. Even Royce Lewis is slumping struggling. The team’s self-enforced payroll restrictions and the failure of almost all the marginal offseason acquisitions to land make this swoon even more painful. Yet, for some Twins fans, this nauseating stretch of play provides a certain sense of…well, calm isn’t the right word. Or is it? “There’s just something about watching the Twins go up against a good team and lose in the most disheartening fashion,” said Ryan Revier, 41, of Monticello. “They’re not getting clobbered, they’re blowing leads in the late innings. They’re not getting no-hit, they’re loading the bases and not scoring. That’s what me and my friends grew up watching. “We don’t see each other that much anymore, but being able to text the group chat about how you want to throw up when (Twins third base coach) Tommy Watkins sends a runner home? And everyone chimes in about (former Twins third base coach) Scotty Ullger sending Jason Kubel to his doom? Those are memories you can’t replace, man.” “My grandparents had season tickets and would take us to a bunch of games,” said Pam Longstreth, 54, of Woodbury. “That was back in the ‘80s, before the World Series, when we had Ron Davis. He’d blow a game, we’d drive home from the Metrodome, and Grandpa Earl would go sit in the garage and stare at nothing. No beer, no cigarette, no transistor radio, didn’t even have a light on. Just staring. I did that after the last Steven Okert game. Grandpa’s been gone 25 years this November, but it felt like he was right there.” While all the fans we spoke with said they’d prefer it if the team turned things around in a hurry, there was a definite sense of connection with past generations. “You know how the Timberwolves made that great playoff run this spring and no one around here really knew how to act,” said James Bates, 49, of Nevis. “We were all kind of floaty and out of sorts. When a Minnesota team is playing really well, then starts losing in the most agonizing, frustrating way possible, that grounds us. Our birthright is suffering. My stomach hurts all the time now, just like my dad’s did. Not a stabbing pain, just an ache that never goes away. There you are, old friend. There you are.” The Twins return to action against the Toronto Blue Jays this weekend. It is expected that someone new will be hurt before Friday’s first pitch. Image license here. View full article

An op-ed from Hall of Famer Joe Mauer about the Great Minnesota Get-Together. Image courtesy of Flickr/yuan2003 An op-ed from Hall of Famer Joe Mauer about the Great Minnesota Get-Together. Hey guys, Joe Mauer here. Just wanted to take a little time to chat with you all about the Minnesota State Fair. I’ve been going to the Fair since I was a little kid, and I love it! It’s a pretty big deal and it's super fun. That said, you do have to watch yourself sometimes. I’m talking, of course, about the All-You-Can-Drink Milk. You all know I’m a pretty big fan of the Big White. Give me a cold glass of 2% every day of the week and twice on Sunday, brother. And you’re telling me there’s an unlimited supply of it at the Fair? Where do I sign up? Mom told me when she was a kid, it was all-you-can-drink for a dime! Can you even imagine? So when I was a kid, I thought I could step up to the plate (get it? lmbo) and drink milk all day long. I used my allowance money and bellied up. Those first few glasses were everything you could want. Cold. White. 2%. No skim, no whole (I wasn’t even 21 yet), just the good stuff. What harm could a few more do? But then my brother wanted to go on the Giant Slide, so I did. After six glasses of milk. On a 90-degree day. I don’t want to be gross, but my stomach was not happy. I think my barf got to the bottom of the slide before I even did. Mom was so steamed. We went straight home. No more milk for me that day. Even since then, I’ve set up some simple guidelines to follow. Maybe you can use these, too: *All-You-Can-Drink is More Than You Think. *Don’t Turn the Giant Slide Into a Giant Mess. *My Brother Jake Is a Turkey Sometimes. Anyway, hope you guys have fun at the Fair. Check ya later. Image license here. View full article