Twins Video
It’s come to the attention of Twins Daily that the Chicago White Sox are pathetic. Real chumps. A startling collection of losebags.
Watching them gift-wrap a series sweep for the struggling, injury-ravaged Minnesota Twins, even when the Twins seemed perfectly willing to give them a game or even two, you know, as a treat, cemented this perception. Truly, the South Siders have been abandoned by God and love, much like their mutant, criminal fans, all of whom are reading this from jail, family court, or an abandoned Portillo’s.
We know, through interacting with them online and at Twins Daily events, that our readers are kind, decent, and thoughtful, often named Gregg for some reason. They feel for those having a hard time, a rough go, a stretch of bad luck. It’s perfectly natural for them to look at the woebegone White Sox and experience a tinge of sympathy. After all, they likely remember a Twins squad or three that approached this level of galactic incompetence. The sheer, unadulterated suck is familiar.
My message to these fans: Ignore your feelings. Empathy is a natural human emotion. You must work to disregard it.
The feckless Chicago White Sox have earned this. A vile collection of misfits, unloved and damned for all time, they deserve only your contempt.
As any student of history knows, John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln. And yet, have you ever heard anyone from the White Sox organization denounce this heinous crime? That silence, that unwillingness to go on the record, rings louder than any confession ever could. Remember Samuel Mudd, the doctor who set Booth's leg after the assault? No historical sources we've consulted state that that man wasn't the first team doctor of the Chicago White Sox.
Over a century of ugliness, of playing games in shorts, of being the most annoying baseball team in a city that also has the Cubs, led us to the unwatchable bungling of today. These clumsy oafs are only meant for disdain and ridicule. Let them have it. Let them hear it at Target Field. Let them hear it at whatever soon-to-be-litigated-into-receivership business their home stadium is named after this year.
It’s important to note: If you see one of their fans in the wild, you might be tempted to offer solace. Don't. Distracting a Tilt-a-Whirl operator who hasn’t slept in a couple days has led to many of America's most gruesome carnival disasters.
In short, I’m glad this is happening, and I hope it happens for a good, long time. Suffer.
The Bears suck, too.
Image license here.
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