Dozens Punctured in Twins Spring Training Sharp Knife Toss

The monotony of spring training can test veterans and rookies alike. Twins manager Rocco Baldelli alleviated the boredom these past few seasons with an Egg Toss Challenge, as groups of two teammates competed to be the last duo with an uncracked egg.

Hopes to build on this initiative ended in chaos and a parade of ambulances on Thursday, as the team’s inaugural Sharp Knife Toss sent 17 Twins and multiple onlookers to the hospital. Remarkably, none of the wounds proved fatal, and all are expected to make a full recovery, much to the surprise of eyewitnesses.

“As the gleaming blades whirled through the hot Florida morning, the sun reflecting on polished steel, it was frankly breathtaking,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “Then the screaming began.”

“They were trying to catch these knives with their gloves,” said Twins fan Ross Umansky. “Which most of them did. Some of them winced right away; the rest howled in agony when they removed the knife and literal geysers of blood burst forth.”

As the knives landed with soft, squelching thuds, the novel team-building exercise quickly became a stress test of the Lee County EMT Service, as emergency vehicles soon swarmed the blood-soaked parking lot.

“Frankly, I don’t know how anyone wasn’t more seriously hurt,” said Lee County Director of Health Frank Towers. “Byron Buxton was there. You’d think 4-6 knives would have hit his knee alone, but he didn’t even get stitches.”

Witnesses say the worst part of the incident was on the return throw.

“I think the carnage would have been more limited if we weren’t dealing with some of the most competitive athletes in the world,” said Hayes. “Despite the gaping wounds, every one of them threw the knife back. Unfortunately, the searing pain lessened their accuracy, and what I can only describe as a hailstorm of knives soon skewered the attendees. John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.”

In a statement, Baldelli denied the knife toss was his idea, and asked that people focus on more important matters, like Phish playing The Sphere in Las Vegas on April 18th, when the Twins have a scheduled off-day. Baldelli asked for “good weather vibes” so the team doesn’t have to play a make-up game that day.

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