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We asked the weirdos and angry loners in Twins territory why they oppose the former MVP’s possible entry into Cooperstown. Here’s what they had to say. Image courtesy of Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports We asked the weirdos and angry loners in Twins territory why they oppose the former MVP’s possible entry into Cooperstown. Here’s what they had to say. Joe Mauer will make the Hall of Fame. Maybe not this year, but it’s inevitable. Even with injuries marring the latter portion of his career, his peak performance at the game’s most demanding position makes the honor more a matter of when, not if. Still, there’s a small, if vocal, opposition. Poisoned by years of talk radio bluster and rancid internet commentary, these absolute goons will let you know, in no uncertain terms, that Joe Mauer is soft. A loser. A faker. We asked these numbskulls to expand on their now decades-long campaign against reason. This is what they said: Damon Kubesh, Rochester: Sal Butera got a ring. Tom Nieto got a ring. Junior Ortiz got a ring. Joe Mauer got bilateral leg weakness. In case you missed it, that’s not a ring. Gale Stalmach, Comfrey: In my day, you didn’t get concussions. You got your bell rung, shook it off, and kept going. Now everyone’s soft, and it’s because of Joe Mauer. They call it CTE because it’s Communist Twins Excuses, that’s what. Scott Jankowitz, New Prague: I called into KFAN once to tell The Common Man (Dan Cole, longtime afternoon host) what I really thought about Joe Mauer. He hung up on me and started talking about golf. Some people don’t want to hear the truth. Abe Willis, Fridley: Here’s an advanced metric for you: Don’t hit singles when you’re making $23 million a year. These nerds who say he was underpaid when he was hitting all those dingers should take their spreadsheets and calculate why every Twins beat writer has me blocked on Twitter. Paul Lang, Minneapolis: I saw on Tik-Tok that we invaded Iraq to get oil money to pay for his contract and that makes him a war criminal. You want me to honor that? Nate Lunde, North St. Paul: I pitched against him in high school. Got him to a 1-1 count before blue started squeezing me, so I piped one down the middle. Let’s see what you got. The home run he hit off me never landed, and not a single person in my life has let me forget it. I hate him. Tom Hanson, Anoka: Much like the patriots who tried to take our country back on January 6, 2021, I’m not afraid to tell people the truth: Joe Mauer should’ve been cut on the first day of spring training in his rookie year. If I knew how to contact my children, they’d tell you I’ve been on the case since day one. When my fourth wife Rhonda gets back from her ceramics instructor’s one-on-one weekend cabin retreat, she’ll tell you the same. View full article

Baseball fans and bargain shoppers, this one’s for you! Image courtesy of Unsplash/Ashkan Fouranzi Baseball fans and bargain shoppers, this one’s for you! Whether you hit the mall bright and early this morning or are firmly planted on the sofa with your laptop, there are all manner of Minnesota Twins gift options for the baseball fan in your life. Here are some of the Twins Daily staff favorites: Byron Buxton Authentic Knee Surgery Souvenirs. When doctors went in to clean up the injury-riddled Twins outfielder’s knee this offseason, they found “a lot of stuff” during the procedure, explaining why the lightning-fast Buxton struggled running this season. These items are sealed in mylar and verified by Goldy’s Locker Room, available at their Mall of America store: Bone chips A Missouri license plate 20-sided dice “Mostly full” bag of Big League Chew Car keys, unidentified A Twins Daily Winter Meltdown pint glass Tweezers Your uncle's collection of vintage Playboys Best of Bally Sports Streaming Package Commemorative DVD. Available online and in participating storefront churches, this collection of error messages and test patterns doesn’t work on any player and emits enough low-level radiation to be fatal to most beloved household pets. The Executive Guide to Firing Beloved Employees. Many Twins fans were confused and upset over the removal of longtime Twins play-by-play man Dick Bremer from the broadcast booth. This webinar, available for download from the team’s website, covers the process the decision makers followed, from how they laughed maniacally while doing so as they lit cigars with $100 bills to their plans to replace him with a skateboarder or AI. Ron Coomer’s John Groomers. The former Twins All-Star wants to upgrade your bathroom! He and his fellow 1997 Minnesota Twins will tear it down and build it back up into the powder room of your dreams. Prices are negotiable, but Scott Stahoviak will be sleeping on your couch for the duration of the project. He has some serious food allergies, please be mindful of them. Locate the Family Value Concession Stand Challenge. One of 2023’s most popular Target Field features was the reasonably priced food and drinks at the Family Value concession stands. With the team trimming payroll, offering cheap Budweiser and Pepsi is dangerous to the bottom line, but the PR hit of discontinuing the program makes it difficult to remove. That’s why they’re offering fans the chance to go on a quest to find the new, more out-of-the-way location of the booth, a truck stop in Beach, North Dakota. Tickets cost $50,000. Image license here. View full article

“A lot of analysts stop at 40. Not me. Never scared. Never scared.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Norbert Buduczki “A lot of analysts stop at 40. Not me. Never scared. Never scared.” The MLB off-season is in full swing, meaning that many writers are updating their top prospects lists for the teams they cover. Trey Larsson is one of those writers. But that’s where the comparisons end. “No one does it like Trey,” said ESPN’s Jeff Passan. “He’s one of one.” “The word ‘maverick’ gets overused, but if anyone can claim that honor, it’s (Trey),” said The Athletic’s Eno Sarris. Those gushing words of praise were only reinforced on Thursday, when Larsson said he would be ranking 41 top prospects this year. “A lot of analysts stop at 40 prospects,” said Larsson. “I get it. It’s a round number. Maybe that 41 scares a typical scribe. Not me. Never scared. Never scared.” “He’s doing 41 this year? Unbelievable,” said Passan. “This is his boldest move since inventing the word ‘toolsy’ in 1995.” “He’s the bad boy of our profession,” said Sarris. “41 prospects! No one does this!” Larsson said his bold decision to expand the top prospects list came down to a couple things. “My shaman Bodhi told me to take the road less traveled, and to welcome the fear that comes with the unknown. Also, 41 is one more than 40.” Larsson’s brash approach and unconventional style has alienated some of his fellow writers. “Trey’s going to show up at the winter meetings in a leather jacket and chat up (professional sports superagent) Scott Boras about going to a sound bath in Sedona and finding his chi,” said a Minnesota Twins beat writer who asked not to be identified. “I respect what he’s done in our industry, but it’s a little much. I was on Jeopardy.” Still, the praise tends to overwhelm the criticisms, and one can understand why when Larsson talks about how he’s going to rank that extra prospect. “I take the available data and analytics, I talk to the scouts, I watch hours of video, and it all coheres into the 40 best prospects. This year, I’m repeating that entire process, then I’m adding the next best guy. 41. One more than 40.” “He’s a madman,” said Passan. “Absolute madman.” Image license here. View full article

“It’s like a podcast that has commercials for funeral homes.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Stephen Andrews “It’s like a podcast that has commercials for funeral homes.” While the expiration of the Twins’ TV contract is leading to a lot of agitation about the team’s 2024 payroll, there’s also some concern within the organization about where people can follow next year’s games. “I’m confident that we’ll have a presence on television next year,” said a front office source. “But we have to be prepared for all possible outcomes.” If that outcome doesn’t extend beyond the team’s current radio broadcasts, team officials say they’re laying the groundwork for a vigorous educational outreach program about the audio-only format. “AM radio has a loyal base of listeners—shut-ins, reactionaries, those who fear change, residents of unlicensed nursing homes—but that base skews older,” said the source. “We need to let our younger fans know that an alternative to TV and streaming exists. Their parents are our greatest tool.” The source shared a working document with Twins Daily that’s aimed to help families talk about AM radio with youths and anyone else under the age of 39. Some of the talking points include: There’s no video element. This is on purpose. No, really. No, seriously. Yes, this was often the only option to follow a live baseball game when I was growing up. No, I did not call social services about this. Your grandparents had nothing to do with this. Yes, anyone who calls them “the good old days” should be shunned by decent people. I’m glad we’ve found common ground. You like podcasts, right? Think of it like a podcast that has commercials for dairy cooperatives and funeral homes. No, it’s not a murder podcast. The funeral home thing is a coincidence. Washburn-McReavy’s trusted staff can help you with funerals, cremation, burial, and pre-planning services and are always willing to assist you and your family in this time of need. The nice man’s name is Cory, the man who always sounds upset about the way things ought to be is Dan. No, for the last time, no video. Just audio. Traffic and weather are on the 8s. Yes, you can use your phone to check both those things at any time. I am aware of this. You really seem hung up on this traffic and weather thing. What if you're driving? You look down to check your phone and boom you just T-boned a family of 6. Now you’re in jail and you know who’s not going to have TV privileges? You, the phone murderer. Stop crying. What do you mean, what’s a radio? Let’s start over. The sources said a final call on the document and outreach will be made before Jan. 1. Image license here. View full article

“If we’ve learned anything from the tech and entertainment industry, it's that alienating your customers and making things gradually worse is the space we want to play in.” Image courtesy of Unsplash/Emmanuel Edwards “If we’ve learned anything from the tech and entertainment industry, it's that alienating your customers and making things gradually worse is the space we want to play in.” In the wake of the Minnesota Twins removing longtime TV play-by-play man Dick Bremer from the broadcast booth, there were concerns that the team might further disrupt their operations and upset diehard fans. The team sought to allay those concerns on Thursday and said any further moves would only be in the best interest of the team and its supporters, including their plans to update the Target Field statues of Twins Hall of Famers. “We think a refresh on the Target Field experience is one worth exploring,” said Twins president Dave St. Peter. “People like the Harmon Killebrew statue, but they’ll love the new Monster Energy Harmon Killerbrew Experience.” Per St. Peter, the new monument will feature the late Twins slugger clad in Monster Energy’s neon green-and-black colors. Rather than swinging a bat, he’ll be riding a BMX bike in an abandoned swimming pool. As a sign of respect to the game, the statue’s ear gauges will be miniature baseballs with the Monster logo. Killebrew’s statue isn’t the only one getting overhauled. “Rod Carew’s greatness can’t be captured by a single sculpture, which is why we’re reimagining the concept,” said St. Peter. Although he didn’t say what this would entail, a source close to the front office said that they would smelt the Carew statue down and craft the molten heap into limited edition Carew Rods, which Champions Club season ticket holders could purchase as an add-on. “Think about how often you need a rod to prop a window open, or bash something real good,” said the source. “Now you can do all that and more with a limited-edition commemorative rod that used to be a statue of a beloved Twin.” While plans for the other monuments haven’t been announced, the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller reports that Tony Oliva’s will be replaced by a living statue that is the actual Tony Oliva. The existing statue will be retrofitted to become MMA/YouTube celebrity Jake Paul in an attempt to grow the game with both Gen Z and guys who yell at their girlfriends in Buffalo Wild Wings parking lots. “If we’ve learned anything from the tech and entertainment industry, it’s that alienating your customers and making things gradually worse is the space to play in,” said one source. “Also, you can only pay for hot dogs with Bitcoin now.” Image license here. View full article

It's a cave for Jakes. Image courtesy of © Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports It's a cave for Jakes. After making the final out of the 2023 NLCS, former Twins and current Phillies outfielder Jake Cave has some decisions to make. He’ll be making them at Jake Cave, the cave for Jakes. “Now that I’m 30, I know that I’m at a professional crossroads,” said Cave, who Philadelphia claimed off waivers in December 2022. “I’m not promised anything. Jake Cave will help me, Jake Cave, be the best Jake Cave I can be.” Located in the verdant Tennessee countryside near Chattanooga, Jake Cave is a cave for Jakes fed by natural spring water. It has provided a home for wayward and troubled Jakes since its discovery in the late 1800s, as well as providing health resources and skill building opportunities for adult Jakes. “Our career development and pivoting courses are the envy of other organizations,” said Jake Cave spokesperson Annika Hunter. “We’re not just a cave for Jakes. We give Jakes a chance to learn, grow, and celebrate other Jakes’ strength. If Jake Cave wants to focus on cardio and weights, he can. If he wants to scrap baseball and become a landscape architect, our cave for Jakes gives him the tools.” The Phillies haven’t indicated if Cave is in their 2024 plans, but Cave says being at a cave purpose-built for Jakes helps him focus amid the uncertainty. “I’d love to stay with Philadelphia, but that’s not something that’s in my control,” said Cave. “Here at the Jake Cave, I can control my diet, my breakout sessions, even my collaborations with our friends at Nick Cave, the cave for Nicks.” Nick Cave, the cave for Nicks, is in Dalton, Georgia, roughly 45 minutes away. It provides similar services to Jake Cave, only for Nicks. It has no affiliation with Australian singer-songwriter Nick Cave, despite a client list exclusively comprised of goths and moody balladeers. View full article

The local chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America called Minnesota’s mascot “an abomination” and “good with kids.” Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa The local chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America called Minnesota’s mascot “an abomination” and “good with kids.” On a day when Sonny Gray took home MVP honors and Royce Lewis was named Rookie of the Year, the Minneapolis chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America set aside a special honorific for another Minnesota Twins employee. “We’d like to congratulate, if that’s even the right word for it, T.C. Bear on being the team’s Most Fearsome Man/Bear Hybrid,” said the Star-Tribune’s Phil Miller. “His existence is an affront to creation, to life itself. Kids at Target Field seem to like him, though.” The BBWAA usually hands out standard postseason honors for on-field performance, plus special awards for Leadership and Media Good Guy (Carlos Correa and Pablo Lopez, respectively). It’s unclear what drove them to include a special award for the veteran Twins mascot, but they didn’t hold back on their opinions. “I straight up do not like him,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “His dead, lidless eyes are beyond reason. They know neither love nor hate, only hunger. He is from hell, and to hell he should return. Still, it’s hard to deny that he makes families and church groups feel welcome.” “Fear is a strong word,” said the Pioneer Press’ Betsy Helfand. “But one of the clubbies (clubhouse attendants) accidentally touched TC’s T-shirt cannon once. TC came up to him, whispered in his ear, and the clubbie stormed out of the locker room. He never came back. “But that’s not the weird part,” she added. “One of the Target Field security guards saw him leave in his car. She swears she saw TC in the back seat. Which is impossible. TC was launching souvenirs into the third deck at that exact moment. They checked security footage of the lot. It was just static. The entire day. Static. “Fear is a strong word. But it’s apt.” “Edgar Allen Poe wrote, ‘Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality,’” said MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. “I was on Jeopardy.” Ryan Jeffers, who took home the Most Improved title, was asked his thoughts on TC Bear. “One thing you need to know is that you’re never the first one at Target Field,” said the Minnesota catcher. “TC is there. Sitting cross-legged on the mound. Looking straight ahead. But not looking at you. Almost like he’s looking through you. “But that’s not the weird part,” he added. “You look away, then look back to the mound, and he’s gone. Then you feel his hot, rancid breath on your neck. He tells you that he, and he alone, knows the day and hour of your death. Then he takes pictures with a local marching band.” TC Bear is the first recipient of a special honor from the local BBWAA chapter since former Twin Roy Smalley was given the Lifetime Achievement, Hair award in 2017. Image license here. View full article

Some people are responsible for the Minnesota Twins playoff run ending. Some are more responsible than others. Here are seven of them. Image courtesy of Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports Some people are responsible for the Minnesota Twins playoff run ending. Some are more responsible than others. Here are seven of them. In the wake of a season-ending 3-2 loss to the Houston Astros, it’s important to note how wildly successful this year was for the Minnesota Twins. Ending a decades-long playoff drought, running away with a bad division in the second half, the rise of young stars like Royce Lewis and Ed Julien. But. As noted by a friend of mine, the season ends badly for every playoff team except one. Minnesota is not that one. So before the hurt and frustration wear off and the anticipation for building on the successes in 2024 begins, let’s vent one last time. Here are the things I'm still angry about on Friday. The offense. My god, fellas. I know we’re all (correctly) furious at the next group on this list, but even Rob Deer thinks you strike out too much. Hit the ball! Make them play defense! Please! The umpires. As a Minnesotan, you have two divine rights: To say where you were and what you were doing during the Halloween Blizzard of 1991; and Hold a seething, unfathomable rage against professional sports referees. Would it surprise you to learn that Wednesday’s home plate umpire blew the biggest call of the game in Houston’s favor? Of course not! You just saw another Minnesota team get worked over by the refs in deference to their sport’s defending champions last Sunday. ‘Twas ever thus. And the second you notice it, much less complain about it, some smug [redacted] will say the mistakes balance out and good teams overcome it. My response, honed by years of careful observation and hard-won experience, is this: No they don’t and [redacted] you, [redacted]. Byron Buxton’s body. Anyone who watched him try to run this year, and his admitted mental struggles with the DH role, knew a Kirk Gibson moment was wildly unlikely. The soft pop-up on Wednesday was, sadly, the appropriate end to his nightmare of a year. One of the most gifted athletes you’ll ever see in your life, constantly betrayed by his own body. The six biggest what-ifs of 2023 are as follows: Healthy Byron Buxton. Healthy Carlos Correa. Healthy Royce Lewis. What would the Twins have done without Michael A. Taylor? What would Game 5 in Houston have been like? (I honestly think the Twins win, that's how in the tank I am for Pablo.) Cutting the cord on Joey Gallo in June instead of September. Regression. As Sonny Gray or anyone who crammed for an accounting final will tell you: Math is cruel. Regular prices at Target Field. The family values sections, where you could get relatively cheap popcorn and Budweiser, didn’t exist for the playoffs. How are people on a budget supposed to be super loud and verbally abuse the opposition without cheap beer and salty snacks? Speaking of which… Arguing about how loud/not loud Target Field crowds are. If you thought Target Field crowds were plenty loud prior to 2023, the raucous, ear-splitting noise that literally assisted the biggest play of Game 2 versus Toronto should make you reassess. Admit you’re wrong! Apologize to Dan Hayes! He's a sweet, gentle boy! Bullpen games. I’m actually OK with Rocco’s quick hook of Joe Ryan and the plan in general. But I’m not OK with the pace of play when you’re hauling in new pitchers every inning. This is more of an aesthetic complaint than a strategic one. The pitch clock is the best pace-of-play innovation in baseball since they stopped putting amphetamines in the coffee. And with that, I would like to thank the 2023 Twins for being good enough that it was challenging to make fun of them every Friday. They were fun! View full article

Wayne, Carl, Kent and others let down their guards, lace up their New Balances, and let us know their thoughts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alexander Grey Wayne, Carl, Kent and others let down their guards, lace up their New Balances, and let us know their thoughts. You’ve read all the reactions from local sportswriters and watched the Gray/Correa pickoff play 75 times. Is there anything new to learn about the Twins' first playoff series victory since 2002? We asked some local stepfathers their thoughts. Wayne Corcoran, Lino Lakes: Does anyone who works there know that all that champagne isn’t coming out of the carpet? It’s all gonna soak into the fabric and the pad, and that’s how you get fruit flies. And after that comes the black mold. It’ll be a pretty penny to get all that taken care of. Carl Wenner, Madelia: We left after the 6th inning to beat traffic and get out of Scaryapolis before it got dark out. Lance DeWald, Kimball: Getting these games done early on a school night. Man, that’s the dream, tell you what. Me and Ma had a nice supper and watched Blue Bloods before calling it a night. Terry Kinser, Shoreview: Man oh man, I wish I had the tarp contract for all these celebrations. I bet they make a pretty penny selling that in. Bruce Lindberg, Hutchinson: I listened to the game on my garage AM radio while my stepsons Kyler and Kody played Call of Duty for 12 hours in the living room. I tried to tell them the Twins won, and they called me a series of vile slurs, each one worse than the last, before demanding more pizza rolls from my beautiful third wife, Pam. Leon Mason, Hudson, WI: Had a couple guys asking if they could knock off early to go watch the game. Told them that we play to the whistle here at Renaissance Adult Video Superstore and not to expect them to have their jobs waiting for them if they left. Anyway, they left. People don’t want to work anymore. Kent Anderson, Lakeville: Hockey players wouldn’t celebrate after winning a 3-game series. They wouldn’t even celebrate after winning the Cup. It’s a team sport, maybe these prima donnas haven’t heard of it. None of my kids talk to me. Jim Burgmeier, Eyota: I don’t really pay attention to sports. When the civil defense system uses the tornado sirens to activate the 5G microchips in our bloodstream, sports are how The Regime distracts you. Not me. Always vigilant. Jim Burgmeier, out. Thom Mortenson, St. Paul: Jack Morris pitched ten innings in Game 7. He’s from St. Paul. So is Paul Molitor. St Paul. Dave Winfield. Joe Mauer. Vulcans. St. Paul. Lyle Tersteeg, Bird Island: Went to the game, saw they had a whole bunch of guys dragging the infield every three innings. What the heck kinda deal is that? Down at the park, we get Jer to do that on Big Mike’s old riding lawnmower and he gets that done lickety split. We oughta ship Jer to Target Field and save them a pretty penny. View full article

“Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi. “I’d like to help keep it going.” Image courtesy of © Darren Yamashita-USA TODAY Sports “Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi. “I’d like to help keep it going.” The Minnesota Twins are about as set to break their record-breaking playoff losing streak as they could possibly be. Excellent starting pitchers, a young lineup that was in daycare when the losses began mounting, and an early clinch to get their rotation set and ailing starters rehabbed for Game 1 of the ALDS. Umpire Phil Cuzzi can’t wait to turn those expectations into a weeping, caterwauling sadness. “It’s funny how you hear teams say, ‘they control their own destiny,’” said Cuzzi, whose infamous botched call of a Joe Mauer hit in the 2009 ALDS changed the course of that series and helped continue what is now an 18-game playoff skid. “No one controls their own destiny. That’s why it’s called destiny. And to be very clear, I control the Minnesota Twins destiny, should I choose to.” Although crews have not been announced for the upcoming wild card series, Cuzzi has let his fellow umpires know he’s ready to step in and step on the neck of any Twins rally. “Their playoff losing streak is formidable,” said Cuzzi, smiling while stroking a hairless cat and wearing a burgundy smoking jacket. “I’d like to help keep it going.” When told that many local fans blame him for the worst loss in that 18-game stretch, Cuzzi declined to take credit. “It’s a team game, period,” said Cuzzi. “Many hands make light work. It wasn’t me who told them to start an Uber driver in 2019. It wasn’t me who told Torii Hunter to swan dive for that liner in 2006. Phil Cuzzi didn’t say, ‘Hey, let’s have Joe Nathan throw 100 [expletive] pitches in relief’ in 2004. Everyone must do their job for something this beautiful to take place.” Cuzzi drew the ire of the Twins earlier this season when he helped the Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the Twins by extending Alex Kirilloff’s strike zone to both dugouts. “Oh, right, the Dodgers game,” said Cuzzi, chuckling. “Sometimes you want to sharpen your skills during the regular season. They needed a reminder that, should they be so lucky as to return to the postseason, I could end them with a mere strike call. “There’s nothing they can do. There’s nothing you can do. I look forward to reminding everyone when the time comes.” View full article

The team says they are as surprised and concerned about what this means as everyone else. Image courtesy of Kareem Elgazzar/The Enquirer / USA TODAY NETWORK The team says they are as surprised and concerned about what this means as everyone else. The cosmically unlucky Minnesota Twins did not lose any key players to injury in Wednesday’s 5-3 comeback win over the Cincinnati Reds. Thursday’s off day provided no breaking news of a bus accident, hotel room mishap, or tanning bed malfunction, running the team’s streak of health to two days. Team sources say they’re as concerned as the fans are. “We don’t know what it means, either,” said acting manager Jayce Tingler. “Does that mean we’ll have two injuries on Friday? Did the 22 guys we have rehabbing in Saint Paul get lost at Union Depot? How do you file a missing persons report for that many dudes?” “We’re not foolish enough to believe that we’ve had 48 straight hours of positive health news,” said a front office source. “Sonny Gray could be at the bottom of an elevator shaft right now with no cell phone service. I just texted him and he said he wasn’t, but what if that’s just what he wants us to think?” The Twins, fresh off losing stars Carlos Correa on Monday (10-day IL) and Royce Lewis on Tuesday (no timeline), know they can’t afford to let their guard down even with the confusing onslaught of uneventful injury news. “Failure to prepare is preparing to fail,” said catcher Ryan Jeffers. “We have a ‘next man up’ mentality because the guy in front of us is usually falling down due to cramping, muscle strains, compound fractures, cholera, diseases that only pirates and werewolves get.” “I like The Grateful Dead,” added starting pitcher Joe Ryan. NOTE: This story was filed before Thursday’s St. Paul Saints game vs. the Toledo Mud Hens. The pilot of the zeppelin that crash landed on the field, injuring Chris Paddack, Byron Buxton, Joey Gallo, Brock Stewart, and Nick Gordon and only those five men, has not been identified. View full article

Many readers may not remember a world where the Minnesota Twins put the finishing touches on a satisfying playoff victory. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to a host of seasoned fans and codgers who can tell you about the strange world of October 5th, 2004. Image courtesy of Flickr/Alan Tarkus Many readers may not remember a world where the Minnesota Twins put the finishing touches on a satisfying playoff victory. Fortunately, Twins Daily has access to a host of seasoned fans and codgers who can tell you about the strange world of October 5th, 2004. I’m going to say it: the Twins are going to win the AL Central and make the playoffs this year. This is great! Unfortunately, once they clinch, the conversation will immediately turn to Minnesota’s incredible playoff drought. This isn’t great! That said, some of you may wonder what the world was like on October 5th, 2004, when Johan Santana went to Yankee Stadium, scattered nine hits over seven innings, and defeated New York 2-0. As an Old, let me tell you what it was like. The upcoming home games in the playoff series would be played in the Metrodome, a beautiful, multipurpose dump that stood where US Bank Stadium is today. It kind of sucked, and I miss it every day. Target Field was still a parking lot. The North Loop still had cheap rent. There weren’t any iPhones yet. They were three years away. You texted your friend about what kind of jail Phil Cuzzi should be in after Game 2 on a Blackberry like everyone else did. You texted this because Twitter wasn’t a thing yet and Facebook was just getting started on college campuses. Maybe you poked somebody else at Stanford about Jacque Jones, but I really doubt it. Why would you do that. To read a thorough recap of the game, you could wander over to aarongleeman.com. This was the week the Strib featured AG and Twins Daily co-founder John Bonnes in one of those clickbait photos that the media relied on in 2004. Gleeman picked the Twins to beat the aging Yankees in five games. It seemed like a good idea at the time. By the way: You might think all the players in Game 1 would have retired by now. WRONG. Lew Ford just wrapped up another season with the Long Island Ducks. If you were going to quote Netflix-and-chill unquote between games 2 & 3, you would have to play the long game of renting a physical DVD and getting it from the US mail 2-3 days later. They wouldn't introduce streaming until 2007. The DVD was probably an American Pie sequel or Lord of the Rings. The Minnesota Vikings were on a bye week after starting the 2004 season 2-1. They would go on to a disappointing 8-8 regular season, back their way into the playoffs, and thrash Green Bay at Lambeau Field as Randy Moss mortified Joe Buck with the “disgusting act” of…wiggling his butt. ALSO: Daunte Culpepper is undefeated at Lambeau Field in the playoffs. Compare his perfect 1.000 winning percentage to Aaron Rodgers’ .636. Love you, Daunte. ALSO ALSO: The Vikings Love Boat scandal would occur exactly one year and one day after the last Twins playoff victory. The number one movie in the country was Shark Tale, an animated comedy featuring the voices of Will Smith, Robert De Niro, Angelina Jolie, Jack Black, and many, many others. My kids had this DVD. I remember less than nothing about this film. The number one song in the country was "Goodies," by Ciara ft. Petey Pablo. Ciara is now married to veteran Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson. ALSO: Russell Wilson was a high school sophomore the last time the Twins won a playoff game. The game was played the same day as the only Vice Presidential Debate of 2004. The less said about both participants the better. Also that day, three Americans won the Nobel Prize in physics for discovering asymptotic freedom in the theory of the strong interaction. In layman’s terms, this is why Byron Buxton can’t stay healthy. ALSO: Byron Buxton was 10 years old when this game was played. Twins analyst Glen Perkins was a junior at the U. Walker Jenkins wasn’t born yet. ER was still airing new episodes. ER! The first episode of ER aired in 1994. Scott Erickson threw a no-hitter that year against a Brewers lineup that contained Brian Harper. The big musical act at the recently completed Minnesota State Fair was…Clay Aiken, I guess? American Idol was still a huge deal. People would get real upset if, like, Bo Bice didn’t advance to the next week. So don’t ever let anyone tell you these were the good old days. I was 33 then. My grandparents were still alive. My youngest child was 10 months old. I’m 52 now. My grandparents are long dead. My youngest child is a college sophomore. All things being equal, I’d like to see a win. And don’t put the highlights on a DVD, I don’t have anything to play it with. Image license for incredible photo of Nick Punto diving into first base at the Metrodome like an idiot. View full article

The lanky, shaggy Twins reliever resembles somebody or something. But who? But what? Image courtesy of Matt Blewett-USA TODAY Sports The lanky, shaggy Twins reliever resembles somebody or something. But who? But what? Recent Twins bullpen addition Kody Funderburk stands out for a couple reasons: 1. That name. Kody with a “K” especially. Just a joyful collision of consonants and vowels. 2. That hair. There’s a third reason, actually. He looks like that guy. You know the one. It’s on the tip of my tongue. You know? Him? In truth, Funderburk looks like a lot of things. Here’s what I’ve come up with: The mechanic who takes one look under the hood, shakes his head, and is about to tell you this is going to be expensive and the part is on back order. The guy from your hometown who set the record for most Busch Light Drafts consumed at the 2014 Homecoming after party. “Would have had a couple more if the cops hadn’t showed up,” he says to this day. A friendly scarecrow who comes to life during the annual Cornstalk Festival. A RealTree jacket that was accidentally stocked in the baseball section of the West Fargo Scheel’s. Bass player in a nu-metal band that got very popular in 1999 for a song about being mad at society. He’s embarrassed about the rap verse, too, but the royalties are enough to keep him from needing a real job. Overwhelmed dad in the pick-up line after school, driving a Bondo-ed minivan. The MY KID BEAT UP YOUR HONOR ROLL STUDENT bumper sticker came from the previous owner, he’d scrape it off if he wasn’t going straight to back to work after taking Khloe and Kaydence to their stepdad’s house. Sure would be nice if Gordon could pick them up once in a while, but I guess his job at the courthouse is more important. Sick of Gordon. The entire 2019 Houston Astros bullpen smashed together. A BMX racer who changes his name to Kody Thunderburk for competitions. His mom doesn’t like it. In a coming-of-age movie, he’s the guy who is part of the bully’s friend group, then sees the bully for who he really is, shakes his head, gives the nerd protagonist a bro hug and says, “I always got your back, Brian.” A skateboarder who knows where all the drained pools in your neighborhood are. View full article