RandBalls Stu

“We like his raw stuff,” said a company spokesperson. “He brings a lot to the table.” Image courtesy of Craig Bailey/FLORIDA TODAY / USA TODAY NETWORK In the wake of another rough outing on Thursday, the Twins announced they were optioning struggling reliever Emilio Pagán to Elon Musk’s SpaceX spacecraft manufacturing business. The move took place mere hours after the SpaceX Starship blew up in the early stages of its first launch. “We think a change of scenery is what’s best for Emilio at this point in time,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “It’s a good fit and we’re all rooting for him.” After Kenta Maeda’s early injury exit on Thursday, Pagán was tagged for six runs on eight hits, recording only five outs as the Twins fell 11-5 to Boston. During Minnesota’s disappointing 2022 campaign, perhaps no other player was more disappointing than Pagán . Enticed by his alleged terrific arsenal of pitches, the team kept giving him opportunities in high leverage situations. They were rewarded with an explosive combination of blown leads and an overworked bullpen. SpaceX insiders say Pagán’s skill set aligns well with their volatile outlook. “We like his raw stuff,” said a company spokesperson. “He brings a lot to the table for SpaceX. He’s unpredictable, he works weird hours, and he hasn’t faced consequences for being bad at this job. Honestly, we thought he was already in upper management here.” While it’s not unusual for a slumping reliever to get designated for assignment, it’s very rare for a player to get moved to an entirely different industry. Per Baseball Prospectus, this is the first time it’s happened since the Chicago White Sox optioned slugger Greg Luzinski to a liquor warehouse in August of 1984 to help move some kegs around, wear mirrored sunglasses, and be gruff to new employees. To take Pagán’s place, the Twins are calling up a Tesla with a steering wheel that whiffs out the window while you’re driving. View full article

Against the Yankees? In New York? Come on. Image courtesy of Wendell Cruz-USA TODAY Sports Trust nothing you see on the internet. Deep fakes and AI and unreliable sources are as common as water, as the air we breathe. Cable TV, if anything, is worse. I’m telling you this because you’ve no doubt already read stories and seen video about how the Minnesota Twins jumped all over the New York Yankees with a nine-run first inning and didn’t look back, flattening the Bronx Bombers 11-2 at Yankees Stadium. But are those accounts real? Think about it. Take a deep breath and think about it. Who stands to gain? Why would they do this? Why are we falling for it? First, confirmation bias. We all want to believe the Twins can beat the Yankees. Nothing would give a Minnesota baseball fan more satisfaction than finally breaking New York’s historic dominance over the hometown nine. The good guys won! The bad guys ground to dust under our Red Wing boots! Wouldn’t it be lovely if it was true? Like when they finally contract the godless Chicago White Sox and send their sausage-fingered fans into the ice-choked waters of Lake Michigan? But we know that hasn’t happened. Why would we think this alleged triumph happened? Second, the media loves a new storyline. “Yankees Stomp Twins for the Millionth Time” doesn’t drive traffic. “Twins Batter Yankees, Sun Shines On America, the World” does. It’s the clickbait-iest clickbait that ever clickbaited. No one cares if a beat writer catches a foul ball. But if he makes a three-course meal out of it with all the fixings? Fire up the emergency servers, nerds. This “win” is just another can of corn headed directly at Dan Hayes. Third, we’re Minnesota sports fans. God has abandoned us. The world is a vampire. We are Sisyphus. This is our rock. Our enemies delight in our futility. Our basketball team fights each other. Our hockey teams innovate in the exciting field of grievous playoff exits. Our football team is the MINNESOTA [EXPLETIVE] VIKINGS. Honestly, the Minnesota Aurora should move to Rapid City, just to have a puncher's chance. Nothing about a decisive Twins victory over the actual, real New York Yankees makes sense. Because it didn’t happen. We all know this. We need to accept it and move on. Misery loves company, yet we are alone, here. 'Twas ever thus. That said, if they did actually win, it would be pretty cool, right? Go Twins. View full article

“The third hour, the golden hour, is when I really light up the umpires and players who I feel aren’t giving 100%, which is all of them.” Image courtesy of © Nick Wosika-USA TODAY Sports Many are praising the rule changes that have led 2023 Major League Baseball games to finish at a demonstrably faster pace. For others, it’s making their beloved pastime almost unrecognizable. “When I a buy a ticket, I expect to get my money’s worth,” said Anoka retiree Tom Hanson, a classic North Metro blockhead. “I’m paying their salaries, I expect an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.” Hanson, whose fourth wife left him for a television preacher named Alden, thinks the newfound quickness is antithetical to the true meaning of the game. “When I go to Scary-apolis I need four beers minimum, I need to scoff at the tip line on the receipt loud enough so they can hear, and I need to complain about the price each time,” said Hanson. “if the game is two hours long, how am I supposed to berate anyone and get my load on?” The absentee father and grandfather claimed a longer game is more authentic and truer to the way it’s meant to be played. “That third hour, the golden hour, is when I really light up the umpires and players who I feel are dogging it or aren’t giving 100%, which is all of them,” said the dullard. “And since it’s still just the 7th inning, I have the time I need to yell at kids for not standing for God Bless America, beat the traffic home, and use my burner phone to call in to the stations that have blocked my other numbers and complain about Byron Buxton’s contract.” With no return to the way things were imminent, Hanson said he’ll focus on his own in-game adjustments. “I’m not a fan of IPAs, but they make me angrier quicker,” said the man who has spent the last seven Christmases alone. “Figure I can choke one of those down then take the nearest player wearing jewelry on the field down a peg. Ted Williams never wore a chain and he spoke American. Print that.” View full article

“This is the best baseball team America, and the world, has ever seen,” said the foolish man. Image courtesy of Jay Biggerstaff-USA TODAY Sports A taut, well-played road win can make any baseball fan feel good about their team. For Twins fan and chronic overreactor Shane Holman, it made him feel bulletproof. “162-0. Mark it,” said the 51-year-old idiot. Holman, who vowed to never watch another Twins game when the 1991 team started 2-9, claims he’s not overestimating a small sample size. “This team is special. Pitchers picked up the offense today. Hitters will pick them up next time. Let’s play,” said the starry-eyed dope, who works as a healthcare administrator in Eden Prairie. The Twins won Thursday’s opener 2-0 over Kansas City. They play again on Saturday. “This is the best baseball team America, and the world, has ever seen,” said the foolish man. “If I could fly to Las Vegas tonight I’d bet the farm on a title.” Holman does not own a farm, and his wife Katherine would oppose any such financial risk, per multiple sources close to the marriage. Holman was asked if he’d be similarly distraught if the Twins had been on the losing end of Thursday’s tilt. “I like to think I’m a little more level-headed than that,” said Holman, who has punched a hole in the basement drywall after the last seven Twins opening game losses. “We’ve got a good thing going here, and I know I’m not the only one who thinks so.” With an entire day before game two on Saturday, Holman says the extra 24 hours won’t cause him to reassess his unreasonable, childlike stance. “Undefeated. Repeat after me: U-N-D-E-F-E-A-T-E-D,” said the beautiful clown. “Today it’s Kansas City. Tomorrow it’s the world. The Yankees? Trash. Houston. Double trash. The Dodgers? Garbage trash. Sucks to suck. Go Twins.” View full article

“Mortals think just because We rain misery on the frail bodies of their heroes that We’re always like this. It’s simply not the case. Jontu has taken up pickleball!” Image courtesy of Nathan Ray Seebeck-USA TODAY Sports With the regular season almost here, Twins Daily is proud to present this in-depth conversation with longtime Minnesota nemeses The Injury Gods. Known for their season-ending (and sometimes career-ending) work, The Injury Gods have developed quite a reputation among Twins fans. Jontu of the Poison Wind and Cnathol the Endless clear the air on alleged grudges against the Twins, some of their past work, and their outlook for 2023. TWINS DAILY: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. JONTU: You’re welcome, mortal. TD: First of all, I just have to congratulate you on your work with Royce Lewis last year. Getting him just healthy enough to show some serious potential, then tearing his ACL again because he was playing out of his natural position to replace your masterwork, Byron Buxton? Even Minnesota sports fans were impressed by the sheer cruelty. CNATHOL: It’s funny, I proposed that at a work happy hour as a joke! But Jontu and Torvald the Bleak both looked up and basically said, “Hey, we could make this work.” They came back on Monday with a PowerPoint deck and it was full speed ahead. JONTU: He’s being modest. Sending Lewis into the wall was all Cnathol. We just added the finishing touches. Did you like that we did it on his first game back in the majors? During the Twins Daily/Gray Duck event at Target Field? TD: No. It was awful. JONTU: Thank you. That means a lot. TD: Moving on, Jorge Polanco is still dealing with a bad wheel after seven months. He’s starting the season on the injured list. Any comment? CNATHOL: There is no offseason for an Injury God. We put in the work. Failure to prepare is preparing to fail. JONTU: Also, just to clarify, it’s both Jorge Polanco and Alex Kirilloff who still haven’t recovered from the injuries that torpedoed their 2022 seasons. A lot of time and ill intent went into both their struggles. TD: My apologies. JONTU: You saw how well Kirilloff was hitting before his wrist flared up. The wretched agony of Twins fans as he labored to play through it…I tell you, it makes the long hours all worth it. TD: It was so hard to watch. JONTU: You flatter Us. CNATHOL: To be clear, We’re not always manifesting pain for you puny humans. Mortals think just because We rain misery on the frail bodies of their heroes that We’re always like this. It’s simply not the case. Jontu has taken up pickleball!” JONTU: We make the pickleball out of discarded UCLs. Last night we used Stephen Strasburg’s. TD: Strasburg plays for Washington. Is this confirmation that the Gods aren’t specifically targeting the Minnesota Twins, despite the lamentations of the fanbase? CNATHOL: First of all, I just want to say to Twins fans to keep the lamentations up. The cursing, the frustration, the part where you sit in your car in the driveway with the engine and radio off, trying and failing to keep the howling void of an indifferent universe at bay? That’s what keeps Us going. JONTU: But to your point, no, it’s not just the Twins. You’ve seen Our work with the New York Mets. Their fans are already bone-deep psychos and sick freaks. Knocking their closer out for the year because he and his friends were happy? Man, You wait an eternity for a chance like that. This is not an exaggeration. We are beyond time. TD: Finally, I need to return to the topic of Byron Buxton. CNATHOL: Oh, yes. TD: You’ve no doubt seen that he’s starting the year at DH to reduce the wear and tear of playing centerfield all season. JONTU: They think they’re clever. CNATHOL: The beauty of this is that they believe it’ll work. JONTU: The group chat was lit. The gall. The insolence! CNATHOL: That rookie pitcher with a 101-mph fastball and zero control? The massive, ankle-spraining pothole in the players’ parking lot at Target Field? A cheeseburger that gives you syphilis? The human mind can’t comprehend the suffering that awaits, much less the form it takes. JONTU: None shall know the hour. CNATHOL: But probably late April, early May. View full article

“If (Jose) Miranda falters or gets hurt, I think Moses fits the bill,” said the clearly troubled man. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Wade Austin Ellis It’s the age-old baseball debate: Do you hold onto your prospects at all costs, or part with them in order to upgrade the current major league squad? Terry Utgaard is in the former camp. “Remember when the Tigers traded John Smoltz for Doyle Alexander,” asked the Roseville-based claims adjuster. His few friends confirm he has used this argument to oppose any trade of any minor leaguer since Detroit dealt the future Hall of Famer in 1987. Alexander would go on to lose both his ALCS games against the Minnesota Twins that season. Utgaard, who still has a threadbare Michael Restovich shirsey in his t-shirt rotation, has some unorthodox opinions about the 2023 team as well. “I love Jose Miranda,” said the 47-year-old bachelor. “But if he falters or gets hurt, I think this might be time for Matt Moses. He fits the bill.” Moses, Minnesota’s first-round draft pick in 2003, is 38. He hasn’t pl ayed professionally since 2009 for Double-A New Britain. While Moses might have stopped chasing his MLB dream, Utgaard hasn’t. “Some beat writer hacks limit their top prospect lists to 40 or 100,” said the maniac, opening a spreadsheet that takes minutes to load despite Caribou Coffee’s robust visitor wi-fi. “As you can see, I have Moses sitting in the mid-600s by BJ Hermsen and The Real Deal JD Durbin . He would bring a veteran presence to the clubhouse that, say, Yunior Severino can’t.” When it’s mentioned that Moses is likely retired for good, a shadow passes over Utgaard’s face. “So you’re saying you just want to give up on Matt Moses. You want to discard him for some veteran who will be gone in a year or two. Is that what you’re saying?” When it’s pointed out that the Twins would likely be thrilled to get anything in return for a player who hasn’t been on the team in 14 years, Utgaard scoffs. “This ‘win now’ mentality baffles me. You’re looking at potential All-Stars up and down this list and you want to get rid of them for what? When A.J. Achter and Levi Michael are winning rings, I want them winning rings in Minnesota. “And before you tell me they’re both retired, did you ever think that’s just a ploy to drive down their trade potential and prevent the team from making an incredible mistake?” “I worry about Terry, and I’m me,” said Seth Stohs, Twins Daily senior prospect knower and the only other Twins fan who remembers A.J. Achter. Photo by Wade Austin Ellis on Unsplash View full article

While the oft-injured superstar awaits his spring training debut, one fan prepares for the worst. Image courtesy of Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY Sports The Twins are a little over halfway through spring training. One notable absence from pretend game action: Byron Buxton. The oft-injured superstar hasn’t played an inning of pretend baseball yet. The team says it’s standard operating procedure for players returning from injury. Doug Spivey is taking them at their word. Until Thursday, March 16th. “If he isn’t in the lineup by then I am flipping my [EXPLETIVE],” said the Eveleth pipefitter. “What if he’s out half the season? What if it’s career-ending? I’m going to freak the [EXPLETIVE] out and that is a promise.” The Twins open the season at Kansas City on March 30th. “By then it’ll be two weeks on the nose until the regular season,” said the 52-year-old. “Right now, I’m calm and cool. Let him work out behind the scenes, trust the process, embrace serenity. But at midnight next Thursday I’m going to run shirtless around town, weeping and wailing.” At least one Twins expert agrees. “I’m not conspiratorial about this at all,” said Twins Daily founder John Bonnes. “I don’t think there’s anything they’re trying to hide from us. The games aren’t as important as the rehab. He knows how to field and hit. But! If he’s not playing in a week, I will be rending garments and screaming for justice. I will drink IPAs that aren’t fruit-forward with notes of passion fruit and mango. I will lose my mind.” Spivey says he’s noticed an uptick in internet chatter about Buxton’s absence. “Once Correa started playing, I think everyone assumed Buxton would follow suit,” said Spivey. “And then he didn’t, and the comments sections started getting real suspicious about what was quote really happening unquote. I still think we’re fine and I have a big grin on my face for the upcoming season. “However, I’m prepared to apologize to Reddit user frankviolamustacheride42069 if it turns out Buxton is still banged up. I was wrong to doubt you, frankviolamustacheride42069.” The Twins face the Orioles today at 5:00pm. Buxton is not expected to play. “I’m still not worried,” said Spivey. “Every moment spent waiting is agony, but I'm not worried.” View full article

“Juilliard [sic] is a generational talent, and the Twins are throwing it all away,” said the constantly indignant man. Image courtesy of Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports The early talk of Minnesota Twins spring training is not the return of Kenta Maeda or the leg of Carlos Correa, but rather the blistering start from Edouard Julien. The infield prospect put a bow on the chatter by belting two home runs against Atlanta in Tuesday’s 10-7 pretend game victory. Jason Kornhaber is already mad about it. “Edmond [sic] is a monster talent,” said Kornhaber, who found out about Julien’s existence on Friday, February 24th, when two-time Jeopardy! also-ran Do-Hyoung Park interviewed him for MLB.com. “It’s unconscionable that this team would hold him back. Are they playing to win or playing with Edwin [sic] ’s service time?” Julien, an 18th-round pick out of Auburn in 2019, led the minor leagues with 208 walks over the last two seasons. This is just one of the recently acquired facts that Kornhaber has marshaled in Julien’s defense despite not knowing his entire name yet. “Juilliard [sic] is a generational talent, and the Twins are throwing it away,” said the Farmington beekeeper. Per sources close to Kornhaber, he has also said this about Kohl Stewart, Alex Burnett, Michael Restovich, Deolis Guerra, Anthony Slama, and Matt Moses. In addition, a former roommate said Kornhaber vowed to get a tattoo of MTV’s Dan Cortese on his thigh if J.D. Durbin didn’t record a 20-win season. Durbin finished his MLB career with six total wins. Kornhaber denied the story. “He’s going to lead Team Canada to a World Baseball Classic title and come back to Fort Myers with a ticket to (home of Twins Triple-A affiliate) St. Paul,” claimed Kornhaber, who discovered Julien’s nationality on Monday. The Twins have made no indication on their plans for Julien in 2023, but Kornhaber’s anger is already at a fever pitch not seen since his misguided advocacy for Joe Webb as the Minnesota Vikings quarterback of the future. “I can’t believe they’re doing this to Erwin [sic],” said Kornhaber. View full article

Wacky Sitcom Mix-Up Lands Leitch, 76, in Fort Myers. Image courtesy of Public Domain The Minnesota Twins thought they were signing veteran infielder Donovan Solano to a one-year deal. Instead, they signed a rock-and-roll legend. “We’re pleased to announce the unexpected signing of Donovan,” said Twins PR flack Dustin Morse. “We look forward to seeing how he can contribute to the team this spring. We’ll be making no further comment.” Team sources who requested anonymity to speak freely, said a paperwork mishap at the league office sent Solano, 35, to the Rio Grande Rockin’ Ribs-o-Rama in El Paso, Texas. Despite having no identifiable musical talent, he’s opening for Smash Mouth on the Dairy Queen Grill ‘n Chill Stage. “He played the recorder in grade school,” said Rich Marsden, Solano’s agent. “He will tear through ‘Hot Cross Buns’ and leave the crowd wanting more.” Meanwhile, the oldest Twin since Jesse Orosco is headed to his first spring training. “I’m terribly confused,” said Leitch. The 76-year-old Scottish folk singer, known for songs like “Mellow Yellow” and “Season of the Witch,” is expected to report to Twins camp on Friday. Some team officials are embracing the opportunity. “Phish played ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man’ at The Great Went, brother,” said Minnesota Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “Everyone was just there, being, as one. Can’t wait to see what he brings to the clubhouse. “Trey was fire that night,” added Baldelli. Still, with his 77th birthday on the horizon, most are skeptical that Leitch can contribute to the 2023 squad. “He’s incredibly old,” said a source close to the front office. “He’s 40 years older than everyone else. He can’t hit for power or average. He has no natural position. He’s never played baseball. And those lyrics are straight nonsense. No one is mad about saffron. No one. Trash spice.” View full article

“I don’t really need it, but at $37.50 I figured why the heck not,” said Carlsson. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Leon Seibert Torvald Carlsson spends his days curating a formidable collection of Minnesota sports memorabilia. The retired Scandia educator counts a row of seats from the old Met Stadium, a signed Bernie Bierman football, and an original George Mikan Minneapolis Lakers jersey as his most prized possessions. His newest acquisition might be his most unique one yet. “I was browsing eBay the other day and saw that they put the entire Bally Sports North network up for auction,” said Carlsson. “I don’t really need it, but at $37.50 I figured why the heck not. And now I guess I own the gosh darned thing.” Diamond Sports Group, which owns Bally Sports North and 18 other regional sports networks, recently skipped a $140 million interest payment, signaling that bankruptcy could soon be imminent. A spokesperson confirmed that Carlsson was on the path to being BSN's new owner, but refused to say if the online auction was part of the company’s plan to recoup needed funds. Meanwhile, the new owner of the network that brings Twins, Wild, and Timberwolves games to Minnesota cable subscribers says he has no big plans to change anything for now. “It’s a whole deal,” said the 71-year-old. “Keeping track of the day-to-day is a real humdinger, I don’t suppose I’ll be a part of that. They just sent me a whole bunch of papers in the mail and (former Twin and current BSN analyst) Tim Laudner is sleeping in my driveway. Ma (Carlsson’s wife Gail) brings him some supper and that seems to settle him down some.” While a lot of logistical questions remain unanswered (“I guess Glen Perkins needs a food taster on all road trips due to his long list of enemies and rivals,” said Carlsson), Bally employees are hopeful this leads to better days at the company. “I’m optimistic,” said Dick Bremer, longtime play-by-play voice of Twins. “Ever since Bert (Blyleven, Bremer’s former broadcast partner) retired, I’ve lost weight, I sleep through the night without crying, and no one has taped a ‘FART MASTER’ sign to my back. Not once. They can pay me with pizza crusts and expired Marlboro Miles. I truly don’t care. I am the happiest man in the world.” Image license here. View full article

“The advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects,” said Fraley. "I can't smoke my way out of it, but I plan to try." Image courtesy of Unsplash/Artem Beliaikan Every spring training, baseball writers document which player in camp has cut weight, hit the gym, and is generally in “the best shape of his life.” “It’s one of those clichés that happens to be true,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “There’s always a player who really got after it in the winter and it’s hard to miss.” “I was on Jeopardy,” confirmed MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park. For the Fargo Forum’s Steve Fraley, it’s another matter entirely. “I have let myself go,” said Fraley. “Things are not good.” Fraley, battling his second hangover of the weekday, confirmed to Twins Daily that he is in the worst shape of his life heading to Fort Myers. “The thing they don’t tell you about cigarettes is how good they make you feel,” said Fraley. “You get up in the morning, reheat a cup of coffee, then light up that dart. Man. Then you figure out where you left your phone, dry swallow four Advils, and get on with the day.” Fraley is in his fourth season of covering the Twins for the newspaper and says this is as slovenly as he’s ever been before Opening Day. “I live right next to an Applebee’s,” said Fraley. “You just wander across the parking lot, settle in, order some nachos, and brother, you are feeling good in the neighborhood. Sometimes the Law & Order rerun is one I haven’t even seen yet. “That said, the advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects. Going up a size on the board shorts and Hawaiian shirts this year, can’t smoke my way out of this one even though I plan to try.” Fraley’s fellow scribes agree that it’s a struggle to get into the writer’s version of midseason form. “I honestly don’t know what airport I’m landing in or how I’m getting to the park,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I’m in the air right now.” “Twice. I was on Jeopardy twice,” added Park. Image license here. View full article

Teammates prepare for difficult conversations about emojis and nymphs. Image courtesy of © David Banks-USA TODAY Sports When the offseason began, there were two certainties: The Twins would move heaven and earth to get Carlos Correa back, and Max Kepler was going to be traded. Through a wild series of events, Correa is back in Minnesota for a while. However, that second certainty? At this writing, it’s uncertain at best. “Spring Training is two weeks away and Max (Kepler, Twins outfielder) is still here,” said Twins outfielder Trevor Larnach. “We sort of removed him from all of our group chats. It’s weird.” The signing of fellow lefthanded corner outfielder Joey Gallo seemed to signal that Kepler’s time as a Twin was nearing an end. The trade for Michael A. Taylor seemed to put an exclamation point to it. And yet. “I sort of moved my stuff into his locker at Target Field,” said Larnach. “It’s going to be awkward already when we start texting him out of the blue about Fort Myers restaurants and agreeing he’s right about how great German chocolate is. We get it, bro, you’re from Germany. The locker is harder to explain.” Fellow outfielder Byron Buxton agrees that it’s going to take a little finesse. “We all kind of thought he was gone,” said Buxton. “And he doesn’t quite have a handle on how we use emojis here, so if we welcome him back with the wrong one, it could get sideways. The ‘cry laughing’ one means something so disturbing where he’s from that he didn’t talk to (Ryan) Jeffers for two months.” Larnach was asked if Kepler might be open to bargaining. “I just read some Grimm’s Fairy Tales to acquaint myself with his culture,” said Larnach. “These stories are messed up. The Godfather Death ruins harvests and the Three Nymphs of the Black Forest steal your soul and your maiden fair. I don’t know what a maiden fair even is. Maybe I should just buy him a car?” View full article