Pagán Optioned to SpaceX

In the wake of another rough outing on Thursday, the Twins announced they were optioning struggling reliever Emilio Pagán to Elon Musk’s SpaceX spacecraft manufacturing business. The move took place mere hours after the SpaceX Starship blew up in the early stages of its first launch.

“We think a change of scenery is what’s best for Emilio at this point in time,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “It’s a good fit and we’re all rooting for him.”

After Kenta Maeda’s early injury exit on Thursday, Pagán was tagged for six runs on eight hits, recording only five outs as the Twins fell 11-5 to Boston.

During Minnesota’s disappointing 2022 campaign, perhaps no other player was more disappointing than Pagán . Enticed by his alleged terrific arsenal of pitches, the team kept giving him opportunities in high leverage situations. They were rewarded with an explosive combination of blown leads and an overworked bullpen.

SpaceX insiders say Pagán’s skill set aligns well with their volatile outlook.

“We like his raw stuff,” said a company spokesperson. “He brings a lot to the table for SpaceX. He’s unpredictable, he works weird hours, and he hasn’t faced consequences for being bad at this job. Honestly, we thought he was already in upper management here.”

While it’s not unusual for a slumping reliever to get designated for assignment, it’s very rare for a player to get moved to an entirely different industry. Per Baseball Prospectus, this is the first time it’s happened since the Chicago White Sox optioned slugger Greg Luzinski to a liquor warehouse in August of 1984 to help move some kegs around, wear mirrored sunglasses, and be gruff to new employees.

To take Pagán’s place, the Twins are calling up a Tesla with a steering wheel that whiffs out the window while you’re driving.