RandBalls Stu

Can't stand 'em! Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons/Scott Kipp Can't stand 'em! Remember last year, when the Twins won the season series versus the New York Yankees? It was great! After decades of humbling, soul-crushing defeats, the Twins were the better team--both at Target Field and, somehow, at Yankee Stadium. It felt like a prelude to Minnesota also relieving itself of its humbling, soul-crushing playoff losing streak, while the Yankees missed the postseason entirely. So, about this year. The Yankees have returned to form, holding the best record in the American League as of this writing. The Twins cut payroll and sustained a ton of injuries, but a scorching 17-3 run entering their first series with the Bronx Bombers provided optimism. It didn’t last. The starting pitchers surrendered mammoth dongs, the offense was anemic, and the defense was a SuperFund site. It all contributed to a series sweep at home and a familiar, nauseating sensation. Yankees vs. Twins is back, and it sucks. But you don’t need me to tell you that. What you need is a list of things I personally blame on the New York Yankees, whom I hate with a renewed vigor: Human want. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering the start of World War I. Google search being nothing but ads now. Amazon not renewing Patriot for a third season. Mosquitoes. Climate change. The dang kids these days. Aaron Boone time-traveling to 1919 and giving Shoeless Joe Jackson an old-timey Draft Kings account, kickstarting the Black Sox scandal. Canadian wildfire smoke. Fanatics uniforms. The price of eggs. The ravages of age and time. The Mayor of Amity not closing the beaches on July 4th, even though there’s obviously a great white shark in the water. ESPN airing debate shows in the morning instead of Sports Center. Yung Gravy. Lumpy Gravy. Wavy Gravy. Steve Garvey. The Savings & Loan Crisis. Three Mile Island. Chernobyl. Injuries to all the good pitchers. No one ever making a documentary about the Rally Room. Hangnails. The Salem witch trials. The Teapot Dome Scandal. The road construction between Woodbury and Hudson. The ‘90s swing revival. The dude from Staind becoming a country singer and somehow getting worse. Dallas stealing the North Stars. Hangovers. Loneliness. Nikola Jokic destroying your hopes and dreams despite looking and moving like a sock full of oatmeal. In conclusion, I just don’t like the New York Yankees. God does, though, and that just makes me madder. Image license here. View full article

Twins Daily investigates. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Victor Twins Daily investigates. For a team on an absolute heater with their ace on the mound, there was legit concern heading into Minnesota’s Thursday afternoon getaway game against Seattle. The Mariners were running out Logan Gilbert, and the only rested bullpen arms were the ones that got shellacked during Tuesday’s hideous 10-6 loss. It would be a heavy lift, even if Pablo López dominated. The Twins were up 8-1 after four innings. What gives? With the Twins on fire, the toast of the NBA playoffs across the street, MNUFC at the top of the table, and the godless Chicago White Sox damned for all time, it’s as good a spring as any in recent Minnesota sports history. The old heads in the crowd, NOT WITHOUT DECADES OF REASONS, are waiting for the other shoe to fall. Things can’t stay this good, Royce Lewis is still a ways from coming back, the Nuggets are the defending champions, the Loons’ best player finds new flights to miss every week, Maya Moore is retired. Just watch. You get your hopes up, you crash to the unforgiving (if rich) Minnesota topsoil. The vibes mislead. They're just too good, right? Right? To paraphrase Eli Cash, what these vibes presuppose is…maybe they aren’t? The vibes are correct. Baseball players are some of the weirdest, most superstitious dudes alive. That something as goofy as a rally sausage bubbles (literally, at this point in its decay) to the surface during a peerless stretch of play is just, like, tremendous. It's a reminder that elite athletes are also just the biggest dorks. Rocco Baldelli's entire persona is that of the proud, frustrated parent who must wrangle his 26 idiot sons, all of whom are about to get kicked out of the hotel pool for horseplay. The vibes are correct, because a team like that is fun as hell to watch, even when the team makes it tough to do so. The vibes are correct, because Anthony Edwards is Him, and His team plays defense like you made them mad, and Naz Reid. The vibes are correct because I saw two separate Loons fans smile when talking about the team. Two! The vibes will return to a lesser, sadder state. They have to. Midwestern suffering demands it. Vikings training camp looms. Wile E. Coyote will look down and see the canyon floor. But right now, we’re all here, together, defying gravity. The sausage is a shelf-stable food item. Maybe we can live forever. Float on. Image license here. View full article

The team is also working with DirecTV and WCCO to disable satellites, jam radio signals. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund The team is also working with DirecTV and WCCO to disable satellites, jam radio signals. The Minnesota Twins are on their longest winning streak since 2008. They have a goofy home run celebration. They’re back in town for a seven-game homestand. And thanks to a groundbreaking front office initiative, you’ll be able to harness the power of your imagination to enjoy the rest of the season. “The best way to experience Twins baseball is with the mind’s eye,” said a team spokesperson. “That’s why we’re closing Target Field to all spectators and media, effective immediately.” This break with the tradition of being able to watch a game with your eyes comes in the wake of Comcast removing Bally Sports North from their cable programming. “We agree that its unfair to Comcast subscribers that they can no longer watch their favorite team,” said the spokesperson. “Locking the Target Field gates levels the playing field for our fans.” In addition to preventing a live audience from viewing the games, the team is also working with other media providers like DirecTV (satellite) and WCCO (radio) to cease coverage of the team. “We were looking over the books and it turns out the Pohlads (the family who owns the Minnesota Twins) have their own defense contractor,” said the spokesperson. “Apparently, the same technology that turns family farms into Dollar Generals can also be used to knock out relay towers. It gives us some much-needed leverage.” “I thought that sounded like blackmail,” said a WCCO employee of the tactic. “But they said it’s not blackmail if you’re rich.” The team says they hope this unorthodox curation of the in-stadium and at-home experience encourages fans to reassess how they consume media. “Everyone knows too much screen time is bad for you,” said the spokesperson. “And if you’re at Target Field, you’re not home with your family, which encourages things like drug use and wokeness.” As for how fans can follow the team going forward, the spokesperson said, “The oral tradition predates the printing press. Stories will travel from person to person, strengthening the bonds of family and enriching our neighborhoods. If you want to know if Austin Martin is getting called up, put down your phone and ask someone.” Although closing Target Field will have a decidedly negative impact on the team’s finances, one source close to the front office said the team is prepared. “Here’s the deal: People like baseball, but they love generational wealth,” said the source. “The lack of fans in the stands means we’ll have to shed payroll in the offseason. There might be some ruffled feathers in the fan base, but at the end of the day, the majority just want to know if the Pohlads are going to be alright. And they will be once we get that payroll down to a more manageable $40-50 million. That kind of flexibility is more valuable than any championship.” Image license here. View full article

Empathy is a natural human emotion. You must work to disregard it. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund Empathy is a natural human emotion. You must work to disregard it. It’s come to the attention of Twins Daily that the Chicago White Sox are pathetic. Real chumps. A startling collection of losebags. Watching them gift-wrap a series sweep for the struggling, injury-ravaged Minnesota Twins, even when the Twins seemed perfectly willing to give them a game or even two, you know, as a treat, cemented this perception. Truly, the South Siders have been abandoned by God and love, much like their mutant, criminal fans, all of whom are reading this from jail, family court, or an abandoned Portillo’s. We know, through interacting with them online and at Twins Daily events, that our readers are kind, decent, and thoughtful, often named Gregg for some reason. They feel for those having a hard time, a rough go, a stretch of bad luck. It’s perfectly natural for them to look at the woebegone White Sox and experience a tinge of sympathy. After all, they likely remember a Twins squad or three that approached this level of galactic incompetence. The sheer, unadulterated suck is familiar. My message to these fans: Ignore your feelings. Empathy is a natural human emotion. You must work to disregard it. The feckless Chicago White Sox have earned this. A vile collection of misfits, unloved and damned for all time, they deserve only your contempt. As any student of history knows, John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln. And yet, have you ever heard anyone from the White Sox organization denounce this heinous crime? That silence, that unwillingness to go on the record, rings louder than any confession ever could. Remember Samuel Mudd, the doctor who set Booth's leg after the assault? No historical sources we've consulted state that that man wasn't the first team doctor of the Chicago White Sox. Over a century of ugliness, of playing games in shorts, of being the most annoying baseball team in a city that also has the Cubs, led us to the unwatchable bungling of today. These clumsy oafs are only meant for disdain and ridicule. Let them have it. Let them hear it at Target Field. Let them hear it at whatever soon-to-be-litigated-into-receivership business their home stadium is named after this year. It’s important to note: If you see one of their fans in the wild, you might be tempted to offer solace. Don't. Distracting a Tilt-a-Whirl operator who hasn’t slept in a couple days has led to many of America's most gruesome carnival disasters. In short, I’m glad this is happening, and I hope it happens for a good, long time. Suffer. The Bears suck, too. Image license here. View full article

‘We were hoping to hold off on doing anything because we simply thought no group of players could hit this badly for this long. We thought wrong.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/NCI ‘We were hoping to hold off on doing anything because we simply thought no group of players could hit this badly for this long. We thought wrong.’ In response to the Minnesota Twins’ horrific start on offense, leading baseball scientists have been forced to lower the Mendoza Line for the first time since its creation in 1979. “While a .200 batting average has long been considered the benchmark for offensive ineptitude, circumstances change,” said Dr. Gwendolyn Sparks. “We’re lowering that mark to .195. God help us all.” The Twins currently sit at .193 for the season, with multiple everyday players hitting well below even that. “This is not a decision we take lightly,” said Dr. Campbell Young. “Indeed, we were hoping to hold off on doing anything because we simply thought no team could hit this badly for this long. We thought wrong.” The Mendoza Line is named after light-hitting journeyman infielder Mario Mendoza, who posted a .198 average over 148 games in 1979 for the Seattle Mariners. “We bumped it up to .200 because it made sense to go with a round number,” said Dr. Young of the decision. “It never crossed our minds that someone, much less an entire team, could ever fall below that. “Also, Mario finished his career with a .215 average. That’s 22 points north of the Twins. He shouldn’t be taking these kinds of strays, honestly.” Sources say some baseball scientists may be looking to rectify that situation by renaming the Mendoza Line to better recognize the futility of the current Twins offense. Twins Daily received a working document from a source with knowledge of the discussions, and we’ve been given permission to share the suggestions: The Castro District Hitting the Wallner The Farmer’s Slaughter Santana, featuring Robbed Offense The Vasquez Vortex Margot Back to Triple-A Deadball Julien Minimum Kepler “Obviously, injuries have cratered their depth, but the numbers are the numbers,” said Dr. Sparks. “No one gave Mario an asterisk for playing on a terrible Seattle team.” “They say the hardest thing in sports is hitting a baseball,” said Dr. Young. “They never tell you how sad it makes everyone when they don’t.” The Twins return to Target Field on Friday for a three-game series against Detroit. God help us all. Image license here. View full article

'I thought it was about dingers. It was not.” Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Passe 'I thought it was about dingers. It was not.” When Minnesota Twins Communications/Marketing/PR Director Dustin Morse put the call out on social media for Target Field sing-a-long suggestions, it seemed like a fun idea for audience participation. “This kind of filth has no place in the public sphere, let alone Target Field,” said Tom Halden, director of communications for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. “I am disgusted.” That was just one of a flurry of outraged statements from civic and religious leaders after Wednesday afternoon’s sing-a-long to Sexyy Red’s “Pound Town.” The song, which documents the artist’s pursuit of a romantic partner in explicit, hyper-specific detail, rang out between the 5th and 6th innings to the shock and horror of many in attendance, especially the families who were at the park for Impressionable Children’s Day. “My oldest asked me what [EXPLETIVE] on my [EXPLETIVE] meant,” said Angie Radtke, a fan who attended the game with her husband and three children. “I was too shocked to say anything, so Tanner started Googling it on his iPad. I’ve never seen his eyes get that wide. The Twins have a lot of explaining to do.” As for how such a provocative song made its way to the Target Field sound system, there are more questions than answers. “We’re conducting an internal review and will not be commenting on an ongoing investigation,” said the team in a prepared statement. An employee in stadium operations, who requested anonymity to comment freely on the incident, said that he was ultimately at fault. “OK, here’s the truth: I’m so, so tired of ‘Mr. Brightside,’” said the employee, referencing the 2004 Killers hit that’s frequently been used for audience sing-a-longs. “Anything would be preferable, even what looks to be my likely termination. When I checked Dustin’s social media mentions and saw that someone called 'PrimeShooterHunt' requested ‘Pound Town,’ I went with it. I thought it was about dingers. “It is not. It is very much not.” With no home games until next Friday, the team has time to choose a more appropriate song. “After Wednesday’s unfortunate incident, we’re performing due diligence on our next song,” said a front office source. “Also, in case anyone was wondering, ‘Baby Got Back’ is not about backs. “Butts. It’s about butts,” the source added. Image license here. View full article

In another universe, a universe just like ours, the Metrodome was never torn down. Target Field was never built. This is a story from that universe. Image courtesy of Flickr/Bradley Johnson In another universe, a universe just like ours, the Metrodome was never torn down. Target Field was never built. This is a story from that universe. Hope springs eternal. Except for your Minnesota Twins. On a gorgeous April day, the local nine dropped their seventh consecutive home opener under a Teflon sky, falling 8-1 to the defending AL West champion Portland Devil Rays before an announced crowd of 11,341 at the MyPillow Metrodome. The winless Twins (0-6) join the Chicago White Sox and the Kansas City Royals of Kansas as the only major-league teams without a 2024 victory. Minnesota’s No. 1 starter, Randy Dobnak (0-2), couldn’t find his groove, surrendering four runs in 3 2/3 innings of work. The team’s unproven bullpen continued to struggle, with a towering three-run blast from Portland’s Shohei Ohtani off Jorge López putting the game well out of reach. It was the third home run allowed in as many games for the embattled López, who entered the season as the team’s closer and highest-paid player. An anemic Twins offense could only manage one run off Rays starter Justin Verlander, a solo home run from DH Kennys Vargas that barely cleared the Circuit City Baggie in right field. New Twins manager Toby Gardenhire said he’s as frustrated as the fans are. “Obviously, coming off another 100-loss season, you want to put your best foot forward,” said Gardenhire. “It stinks. It’s not a question of effort, we’ve just got a lot of young guys who need to grow up fast.” The dwindling fan base is restless as well. “It’s the same old, same old,” said Twins fan John Bonnes. “They can’t get out of their own way, and it’s 70 degrees outside. Why would anyone show up?” Bonnes hosts the Minnesota Sports Geek podcast, which is perhaps best known for its former co-host, Aaron Gleeman, now awaiting sentencing for his part in orchestrating millions of dollars in Beanie Baby fraud. Bonnes says it’s not easy being a Minnesota fan of any sport these days. “The Twins are cellar dwellers. The Vikings just won a second Super Bowl in San Antonio to rub salt in the wound. The Timberwolves made the finals for Seattle last year. The United are still playing out in Blaine, hoping to get that MLS team. The only club worth a damn is the Wild, and ever since they moved to Duluth, the Twin Cities are a sports wasteland. It’s the reason KFAN switched to all-religious programming. I miss when Reverend Meat Sauce talked sports.” The team’s continued floundering comes amid Minneapolis Mayor Josh Hartnett’s most recent attempt to revive the city's desolate North Loop, which would include an open-air stadium behind the Déjà Vu nightclub, the only open business in the struggling neighborhood. Twins team owner, U.S. Vice President Mike Lindell, was traveling to promote President Trump’s Make The Purge Real Act and could not be reached for comment on the team’s rough start. Minnesota and Portland are back at it on Saturday afternoon, when Andrew Albers (0-1) will take on Zack Littell (1-0). The first 5,000 fans in attendance will receive a commemorative There IS Smoking in the Metrodome ashtray, honoring the 2021 Supreme Court decision that made smoking bans illegal. Image license here. View full article

From the first pitch to postgame fireworks, each team does something special to recognize the first day of baseball. Image courtesy of Flickr/pingping From the first pitch to postgame fireworks, each team does something special to recognize the first day of baseball. The pageantry. The pomp. The horse poop. Opening Day brings special sights, sounds, and smells to all 30 ballparks each spring. Let's take a tour of the league's treasured traditions. AL CENTRAL Detroit Tigers: Instead of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” fans sing along to Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” during the 7th-inning stretch. Cleveland Guardians: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the old, racist mascot actually honored Native Americans. Chicago White Sox: Every fan re-states their allegiance to Baphomet, the Prince of Hell and Satan’s Liege. A lamb is slaughtered at second base. The godless Chicago White Sox then take the field for one of this year’s 105 losses. Kansas City Royals: Arguing about the best pre- and-post-game BBQ options leaves dozens slathered in sauces and slaw. Minnesota Twins: The giant inflatable milk jug from the Metrodome is drained, to provide Joe Mauer with his yearly supply of whole milk. He has one of those Bobby Bonilla lifetime contract things. AL EAST New York Yankees: They can rot in hell, I don’t care. Boston Red Sox: Same. Good job on being more annoying than the Yankees. That should be impossible. Tampa Bay Rays: Posting their yearly payroll on the scoreboard while fans cheer the thriftiness and frugality. Toronto Blue Jays: Something Canadian, probably? I’m not really sure what they do up there. A bag of all-dressed chips for the first 10,000 fans, let’s say. They’re really good. I’d go to that game. Baltimore Orioles: Each fan receives a commemorative Billy Ripken “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] Face” baseball card. They also can go to the left-field concourse and call Ripken that to his face. “I hate this, I wish this wasn’t happening,” says the former major leaguer. “Why do they make my children watch? Why is Cal (Ripken’s brother) yelling it so loud?” AL WEST Los Angeles Angels: Everyone in attendance feels kinda bad for Mike Trout again. Oakland A’s: The 73 remaining fans get food poisoning from the helmet nachos. Seattle Mariners: A nude, disoriented Jay Buhner throws out the first pitch. He wasn’t asked to do so. Also it’s midnight and he’s in your mud room. "Tell 'em The Bone sent ya," he shouts as he wanders into the cold, moonless night. Texas Rangers: A raucous sellout crowd comes to the collective realization that “Defending World Series champion Texas Rangers” is too weird of a concept to wrap your arms around and leaves before the 3rd inning. Houston Astros: Team officials admit that it’s still super messed up that Houston is in the American League. “It insults decency and the idea of a loving God,” they say in a statement read aloud in lieu of the National Anthem. “The universe is cold and indifferent to our suffering.” NL CENTRAL Chicago Cubs: Local youths run the bases after the game and attempt to find Ron Coomer in the outfield ivy. If he’s not found, that means it’s another 108 years before the next Cubs World Series title. St. Louis Cardinals: Celebrating another year as the fan base most likely to have something deeply wrong in their crawlspace. Also the Clydesdales. Milwaukee Brewers: Fans select the July date when they all agree to quit paying attention to baseball because of a Packers intrasquad scrimmage. Cincinnati Reds: The first 5,000 fans receive Johnny Bench’s Johnny Benches, a small, red bench for people to use in their bathroom while waiting for the person using the toilet to do their business. “Celebrate one of the game’s all-time greats while looking someone dead in the eye as they relieve themselves,” according to the team’s website. Pittsburgh Pirates: The team’s Smoke a Cigarette with Kent Tekulve Day is widely criticized once again for not having an age requirement. NL EAST Atlanta Braves: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the Tomahawk Chop actually honors Native Americans. Twenty miles away, the team breaks ground on another new stadium even farther from Atlanta. New York Mets: Sickos and pervs from all five boroughs get horny for Mrs. Met again. Philadelphia Phillies: Attempts to combat the stereotype of the brutal, vulgar Philadelphia sports fan go awry when the Opening Day Salute to Senior Citizens Holding Adorable Kittens is held on the same day as a baffling “Free Dozen Eggs for Absentee Fathers” giveaway. Washington Nationals: They admit the old Expos logo was straight fire and apologize for moving the franchise in both French and English. Miami Marlins: They bring the weird home run sculpture back for children to hit with bats, lead pipes, loose rocks, etc. “Soon it will die, as all things must,” says a team spokesperson. NL WEST Los Angeles Dodgers: The ceremonial setting of money on fire. They’ll get more, it’s fine. San Diego Padres: Annoying dudes remind unimpressed dates that the team colors are the same as McDonald’s because Ray Kroc used to own them. A bully gives them a swirlie later. San Francisco Giants: Honoring the victims of Opening Day 2018, when a misguided promotion for the film The Meg released a bunch of sharks into McCovey Cove, turning canoeists and kayakers into chum. Arizona Diamondbacks: Reminding the rest of the world that they were the other team in the World Series last year, and that it’s possible for long-suffering franchises to make an improbable postseason run. Colorado Rockies: Except for the Rockies. Image license here. View full article

‘I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jeffrey Keenan ‘I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy.’ Pitching is inherently an injury risk. The human body is not meant to do that. That’s why the news this week that Jhoan Durán, Caleb Thielbar, and Anthony DeSclafani would all start the season on the injured list (and in DeSclafani’s case, potentially stay there all season) disappointed many, but surprised few. Except for Logan Vandiver, an absolute load from Cottage Grove. “Here’s the deal: I thought if we traded Jorge Polanco, we’d get a pretty sweet starter out of the deal,” said the 37-year-old moron. “I know DeSclafani was banged up a lot last season, but I figured that would give him time to rest and recuperate.” The complete fool, who works in logistics for a local food service company, said he was equally taken aback by Thielbar’s bad hamstring. “I’m about the same age as Caleb,” said the dullard. “My hamstrings are just fine. I work out a couple times a week, go golfing in the summer, never had an issue. I know it’s not striking out the other team’s best left-handed hitter 20 years after high school, but I’m sound as a pound.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bozo also expressed surprise that Durán, MLB’s hardest thrower in 2023, could strain an oblique muscle. “OK, he’s a reliever, so that’s just a couple dozen pitches every two or three days at most,” said the sweet summer child. “If he was a starter, sure, only like Nolan Ryan and Justin Verlander throw that hard that often. But I guess I was wrong.” Friends say Vandiver’s credulous, dumbstruck ways have impacts on his own life as well. “At minimum, he’s fallen for three multi-level marketing schemes in the last two years,” said Gina Urquhart, a longtime co-worker. “He is sitting on a garage full of yoga pants and supplements that don’t work.” For his part, the simple, cornfed rube swears he didn’t see this coming. “I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy,” said the sap. Image license here. View full article

The new Twins Pass Plus feature helps fans connect with the former All-Star and perform critical maintenance and upkeep. Image courtesy of WEBN-TV The new Twins Pass Plus feature helps fans connect with the former All-Star and perform critical maintenance and upkeep. The 2024 Twins Pass went on sale Thursday, allowing fans standing room access to every Twins home game (minus the opener) for $59/month. For the first time, this fan-favorite deal also included a $20/month upgrade called Twins Pass Plus. Purchasers get all the benefits of the basic deal, with the added benefit of helping former Twin and Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven manage the Evergreen Arms apartment complex in Mounds View. “Two of the greatest thrills in life are Twins baseball and suburban property management,” said a front office source. “Getting to experience both with a legend like Bert? It’s the kind of hands-on experience real fans will want to be a part of.” Ticketholders will be able to help Bert deep clean carpets, fix appliances, collect overdue rent, and perform other light maintenance. “Lots of homeowners want to develop their do-it-yourself skills, rather than paying a so-called expert to fix something,” said the source. “What better way to learn how you can snake out a hopelessly clogged toilet than with two-time World Champion Bert Blyleven? He might have been the one who clogged it! Except replace ‘might have been’ with ‘absolutely was.’” Some fans are skeptical. “Why would I want to do that,” said Laney Greenway, 51, of Savage. “Where’s Mounds View,” said Pete Sorney, 35, of Osseo. “Is it a real city, or one of those like Andover where everyone says it’s real, but no one can tell you where it is on a map because it’s a deep state psy-op? The people have a right to know. What was your question?” So far, sources in the season ticket office say no one has purchased the upgrade. “It’s still early,” said a season ticket representative with knowledge of the situation. “The announcement just came out, there’s a lot of stuff going on in town this weekend, and…” The rep paused, looked around to make sure there was no one else listening, and continued. “And let’s say when we had all that TV money, we bought a bunch of property to flip, only we didn’t pay attention to what we were buying, and this is just one of the places that desperately needs fixing up, only now we’re out of money. Let’s just say that. And let’s just say if none of these so-called fans ponies up, we’re just going to make it part of the $59 level, and everyone’s going to spend their nights and weekends answering noise complaints.” View full article

The four-year-old mare would be the first horse in MLB history. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Engin Akyurt The four-year-old mare would be the first horse in MLB history. With Anthony DeSclafani’s health a question mark and Louie Varland potentially earmarked for St. Paul, the Minnesota Twins might need a fifth starter as Opening Day looms. Unsigned big names like Blake Snell would be obvious solutions, but Minnesota’s self-imposed price controls make that unlikely. With three weeks left to make the call, one dark horse candidate has emerged. And that’s not a metaphor. Chestnut, a four-year-old mare from Anderson Stables in Belle Plaine, Minn., is on the radar as a budget-minded stopgap, per multiple sources. “She has stunning haunches and a great attitude,” said a front office source. “The power she can generate if we can teach a horse to throw is off the charts. Real potential to miss bats and pound the strike zone.” “There’s no rule that says a horsey can’t play baseball,” said a source familiar with President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey’s thinking. “We did a word search in the rule book and everything.” Some are skeptical of the team’s plan. “Horses don’t have hands,” said a member of the team’s training staff who asked not to be identified. “Hooves are not hands. It’s incredibly important to realize that horses have hooves.” “Horses can’t throw,” said a member of Minnesota’s analytics department. “You can’t coach them up to throw a baseball or hold a bat. They’re horses.” The front-office source scoffs at the “neigh” sayers. “No offense to the analytics department, but at the end of the day, the games are played on the field, not a spreadsheet. You know where horseys spend a lot of time? Fields. You know where they don’t? Math class.” Chestnut’s link to the Twins first became known when she was seen walking through the clubhouse after Minnesota’s victory over Boston on Wednesday. “There’s not a ton of room in there after a game with all the players and media,” said LaVelle E. Neal III, Star Tribune columnist. “And now there’s a horse. And it just took an incredibly fragrant dump in the middle of the room. That said, (former Twin Bert) Blyleven did that too, and he’s a Hall of Famer.” The team doesn’t expect to make a final decision for another week or two, but it’s clear that Chestnut has the upper hand. That is a metaphor, as she does not, in fact, have hands. “Budgets are tight, Chestnut would sign for the league minimum, and instead of a team car, one of our staffers could just ride her back home from the game,” said the front office source. “Can you imagine how exciting that would be, riding a Twin home on 394?” Image license here. View full article

Officials called the team-building exercise ‘misguided’ and ‘very painful.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Joshua Coleman Officials called the team-building exercise ‘misguided’ and ‘very painful.’ The monotony of spring training can test veterans and rookies alike. Twins manager Rocco Baldelli alleviated the boredom these past few seasons with an Egg Toss Challenge, as groups of two teammates competed to be the last duo with an uncracked egg. Hopes to build on this initiative ended in chaos and a parade of ambulances on Thursday, as the team’s inaugural Sharp Knife Toss sent 17 Twins and multiple onlookers to the hospital. Remarkably, none of the wounds proved fatal, and all are expected to make a full recovery, much to the surprise of eyewitnesses. “As the gleaming blades whirled through the hot Florida morning, the sun reflecting on polished steel, it was frankly breathtaking,” said The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “Then the screaming began.” “They were trying to catch these knives with their gloves,” said Twins fan Ross Umansky. “Which most of them did. Some of them winced right away; the rest howled in agony when they removed the knife and literal geysers of blood burst forth.” As the knives landed with soft, squelching thuds, the novel team-building exercise quickly became a stress test of the Lee County EMT Service, as emergency vehicles soon swarmed the blood-soaked parking lot. “Frankly, I don’t know how anyone wasn’t more seriously hurt,” said Lee County Director of Health Frank Towers. “Byron Buxton was there. You’d think 4-6 knives would have hit his knee alone, but he didn’t even get stitches.” Witnesses say the worst part of the incident was on the return throw. “I think the carnage would have been more limited if we weren’t dealing with some of the most competitive athletes in the world,” said Hayes. “Despite the gaping wounds, every one of them threw the knife back. Unfortunately, the searing pain lessened their accuracy, and what I can only describe as a hailstorm of knives soon skewered the attendees. John (Bonnes, Twins Daily co-founder) got hit in both feet and was stuck to the pavement, waving his arms around like one of those inflatable tube guys you see at a used car lot.” In a statement, Baldelli denied the knife toss was his idea, and asked that people focus on more important matters, like Phish playing The Sphere in Las Vegas on April 18th, when the Twins have a scheduled off-day. Baldelli asked for “good weather vibes” so the team doesn’t have to play a make-up game that day. Image license here. View full article