Twins Fan Furious Team Too Good to Win Waiver Claim

The Minnesota Twins were primed to improve their team on Thursday, as an unusual number of quality veterans were available via the waiver wire. Their claims were stymied, most notably by AL Central rival Cleveland, who snagged starting pitcher Lucas Giolito and relievers Matt Moore and Reynaldo Lopez.

While it may not be enough for the Guardians to catch the Twins, it doesn’t hurt those efforts, and it definitely throws a wrench into any plans the Twins had for improving their bullpen and outfield depth from the outside for a likely postseason series.

Local fan and half-drunk bozo Aaron Rylander won’t stand for it, and the 28-year-old wholesale mattress sales associate knows exactly who to blame.

“Every year, the boy geniuses (Twins President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey and General Manager Thad Levine) figure out a different way to screw us,” said Rylander. “Last year we traded all our good prospects for the two worst pitchers in baseball. This year, they decide to not only sleep through the trade deadline, but they also tell the team to go out and be just good enough that they’re not bad enough.”

Rylander, who was on his seventh beer of the day, tried to explain what he meant, rising unsteadily from his chair, weaving perilously close to the unattended bonfire at his buddy Torpedo’s Gophers/Cornhuskers tailgate party.

“You want to know what’s happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening: Ownership didn’t want to spend any more money. Typical Pohlads, win just enough so you don’t have to take on salary,” said the yokel, who goes by PrimeLohse69 on the social media platforms he hasn’t been kicked off yet for truly horrifying TOS violations.

Twins Daily asked the Minnesota front office for comment on Rylander’s alcohol-and-internet-fueled claims but has not heard back from them as of this writing.

Rylander, a Blaine native, says he’s got a few more things to say about the Twins, Gophers hockey, politics, and the city of St. Paul’s policy on unpaid parking tickets, but that he “really needs to eat something first, chief.”