The Immediate Aftermath Anger Rankings

In the wake of a season-ending 3-2 loss to the Houston Astros, it’s important to note how wildly successful this year was for the Minnesota Twins. Ending a decades-long playoff drought, running away with a bad division in the second half, the rise of young stars like Royce Lewis and Ed Julien.

But.

As noted by a friend of mine, the season ends badly for every playoff team except one. Minnesota is not that one. So before the hurt and frustration wear off and the anticipation for building on the successes in 2024 begins, let’s vent one last time. Here are the things I'm still angry about on Friday.

1. The offense. My god, fellas. I know we’re all (correctly) furious at the next group on this list, but even Rob Deer thinks you strike out too much. Hit the ball! Make them play defense! Please!
2. The umpires. As a Minnesotan, you have two divine rights:
   1. To say where you were and what you were doing during the Halloween Blizzard of 1991; and
   2. Hold a seething, unfathomable rage against professional sports referees. Would it surprise you to learn that Wednesday’s home plate umpire blew the biggest call of the game in Houston’s favor? Of course not! You just saw another Minnesota team get worked over by the refs in deference to their sport’s defending champions last Sunday. ‘Twas ever thus. And the second you notice it, much less complain about it, some smug [redacted] will say the mistakes balance out and good teams overcome it. My response, honed by years of careful observation and hard-won experience, is this: No they don’t and [redacted] you, [redacted].
3. Byron Buxton’s body. Anyone who watched him try to run this year, and his admitted mental struggles with the DH role, knew a Kirk Gibson moment was wildly unlikely. The soft pop-up on Wednesday was, sadly, the appropriate end to his nightmare of a year. One of the most gifted athletes you’ll ever see in your life, constantly betrayed by his own body. The six biggest what-ifs of 2023 are as follows:
   1. Healthy Byron Buxton.
   2. Healthy Carlos Correa.
   3. Healthy Royce Lewis.
   4. What would the Twins have done without Michael A. Taylor?
   5. What would Game 5 in Houston have been like? (I honestly think the Twins win, that's how in the tank I am for Pablo.)
   6. Cutting the cord on Joey Gallo in June instead of September.
4. Regression. As Sonny Gray or anyone who crammed for an accounting final will tell you: Math is cruel.
5. Regular prices at Target Field. The family values sections, where you could get relatively cheap popcorn and Budweiser, didn’t exist for the playoffs. How are people on a budget supposed to be super loud and verbally abuse the opposition without cheap beer and salty snacks? Speaking of which…
6. Arguing about how loud/not loud Target Field crowds are. If you thought Target Field crowds were plenty loud prior to 2023, the raucous, ear-splitting noise that literally assisted the biggest play of Game 2 versus Toronto should make you reassess. Admit you’re wrong! Apologize to Dan Hayes! He's a sweet, gentle boy!
7. Bullpen games. I’m actually OK with Rocco’s quick hook of Joe Ryan and the plan in general. But I’m not OK with the pace of play when you’re hauling in new pitchers every inning. This is more of an aesthetic complaint than a strategic one. The pitch clock is the best pace-of-play innovation in baseball since they stopped putting amphetamines in the coffee.

And with that, I would like to thank the 2023 Twins for being good enough that it was challenging to make fun of them every Friday. They were fun!