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‘As we bid farewell to the Pohlad era, we hope to celebrate its real heroes.’ Image courtesy of Flickr/John Cotterman The annual Twins Fest extravaganza is next weekend at The Fillmore, hard by Target Field in Minneapolis. As is tradition, Saturday is dedicated to the autograph hounds in Twins Territory, with children and their adults hoping to snag a signed baseball or glossy photograph from their favorite player on what the team calls Signature Saturday. This year’s edition will be a little different, though. “The Minnesota Twins are proud to celebrate the real heroes of our franchise, the accountants and consultants who maintain our rigid financial guidelines in the face of unprecedented expenditures by many of our peers,” said the team in a statement released to the media on Thursday. “In the era of free agency and salary caps, players come and go,” the statement continued. “The true backbone of any team are the men and women who steer us to the safe harbor of fiscal responsibility, prudent financial behavior, and headcount reduction.” The statement went on to say that an “All-Star outfield” of personnel would be signing memorabilia on Saturday: Amanda Hitchcock, a consultant who advised the team on road trip cost-cutting measures. “Flights and lodging are super expensive,” said a front office source. “Amanda’s firm helped us reduce our spend by booking hotels that were either recently condemned or the scenes of horrific knife crimes. The silverfish infestations and police tape remind a lot of our players of the minors, and make them grateful to go back to Minnesota, building a foundation for future ‘hometown discounts’ during negotiations. Her billable rate of $78,000 per hour is also below the industry average, making her a true champion.” Theo Andersen, a team accountant who suggested putting the Target Field Family Value concession areas in ever harder-to-reach places. “It’s obvious that you don’t put the discount hot dogs and Budweisers by an entrance or on the main concourse,” said the source. “Where Theo innovated was by making it so arduous and unpleasant to find them that not even the most tightwad dad from Litchfield will bother. Putting the cheap popcorn by a series of fetid outdoor toilets in Ramp A? That’s all Theo.” Byron Myron, who achieved six-figure savings year-over-year by swapping out name-brand sodas and energy drinks in the clubhouse with store-brand equivalents like Dr. Thunder and EnergyAde. “Yes, that’ s his real name,” said the source. “And yes, he looks exactly like you think he looks. This man was born to be in a fluorescent-lit, windowless office, realizing savings and always, always wearing a short-sleeve button-up with a tie that doesn’t quite make it to his bellybutton. Byron Myron is a pasty god." In addition to these and other cost-management specialists, the team will also have kiosks throughout the Fillmore where attendees can thank the Pohlads for their stewardship of the Minnesota Twins with a financial donation. There will be a QR code posted for donors who prefer the option of supporting the GoFundMe created by the family to finance the cleaning and polishing of the gold, silver, bronze, and brass fixtures in the dozens of Pohlad summer homes and winter lodges across the globe. Image license here. View full article

The Woodbury native is believed to be the only person to ever listen to that much Imagine Dragons without harming himself or others. Image courtesy of Go96 (RIP) With the news that the Minnesota Twins may very well have a new owner by Opening Day, speculation has turned toward potential suitors. The Ishbia brothers, owners of the Phoenix Suns, have already confirmed their interest. And now another name has surfaced—one with longtime local ties. Dana Wessel, a Minnesota native and morning radio shock jock at 93X FM, has thrown his hat into the ring to purchase the squad from the Pohlad family, who’ve owned the Twins since 1984. It would be something of a full-circle moment for Wessel, who was employed by the Pohlads at their now-defunct GO96 radio station in the mid-2010s. The Woodbury native was also part of that station’s morning show, and is believed to be the only person to ever listen to that much Imagine Dragons without harming himself or others (other, of course, than by doing that listening itself). Wessel, widely regarded as the only man who can tell the difference between Cowboy Slim’s and Cowboy Jack’s, a chain of bars where men in their mid-20s yell at their girlfriends while buying 17 Coors Lights with their stepdad’s credit card, is said to be “dead serious, bruv” about his intent. “He just, he won’t shut up about it,” said his fiancée Amber, who is also from Minnesota. “When he’s not talking about how handsome and capable Josh Allen is, he says he’s going to buy the Minnesota Twins because ‘it would be such a good bit.’” “It would be such a good bit,” confirmed Wessel in a statement to Twins Daily. While most potential buyers come from the world of high finance and hedge funds, Wessel would be coming from the somewhat less lucrative world of morning radio. The adult Lego enthusiast says he’s not concerned with lining up capital. “I have a real good feeling about the pull-tab box down at the local pub,” said Wessel. “Hit it up this weekend, order some wings, watch some football, pull some winners, boom. Let’s play.” Although this is Wessel’s first attempt at buying a local franchise, he is no stranger to the process. His bid to acquire the Sacramento Kings when he was a sophomore at St. Cloud State University fell through when his Granite City Food & Brewery gift card was deemed insufficient as a down payment. (Wessel was later permanently banned from the Waite Park Granite City location for “horseplay and antics,” but he has strenuously denied any connection between that incident and the rejected Kings offer.) View full article

The team’s inactivity is pushing some local sports journalists to extremes. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Thought Catalog In an offseason wherein trading Jovani Morán counts as major news, covering the Minnesota Twins has never been more difficult for the sportswriters assigned to the squad. Nowhere was this more noticeable than Phil Miller’s most recent offseason notebook column for the Minnesota Star Tribune, which was just a series of doodles and drawings of “old-timey” cowboys. “I call this one ‘Bad Bart,’” said Miller, pointing at a crude sketch of a large man in a ten-gallon hat. “He’s got an itchy trigger finger, that one.” Miller’s fellow scribes sympathize with his plight. “The editor wants content, but the team simply isn’t providing any,” said a beat writer who asked not to be identified. “I do a podcast with (Twins Daily’s John) Bonnes and we did 75 minutes on (Rule 5 draftee) Eiberson Castellano. Nobody wants that. Castellano's family doesn't want that. It gave me a nosebleed that hasn’t stopped since. “I like Chinese food,” he added. “It makes your job incredibly difficult,” said Betsy Helfand of the Pioneer Press. “At least the teams who are tanking are trading players away. You can cover the transaction and the disgruntled fanbase. “I should also note that Phil is a talented draftsman, and his portrayals of lonesome, grizzled cowboys astride their majestic horses are breathtaking. Some would say haunting.” In a statement, the Star Tribune supported the decision to run the unconventional piece and asked everyone to quit making fun of the donation page. As for Miller, he says he’s looking forward to spring training, which is now just a little over a month away. “This fellow here, he’s ‘Handsome Clyde,’” said Miller of another cowboy he drew. “The thing about Clyde is, he isn’t very handsome at all. But his mean streak? It’s very real.” Image license here. View full article

‘I think we’d know if it started already, there’s, like, emails and stuff.’ Image courtesy of Flickr/Ian D'Andrea Prior to the holidays, baseball’s hot stove went into overdrive, with players like Patrick Sandoval, Paul Goldschmidt, Walker Buehler, and Sean Manaea all finding homes. With these and other signings occurring in the wake of Juan Soto’s astonishing deal with the New York Mets, it’s fair to say MLB’s offseason has been an eventful one. Just don’t tell the Minnesota Twins. “The next season is in 2025; ergo, free agency doesn’t start until January 1st,” said a Twins front office decision-maker. “We look forward to getting out there, having discussions, and improving our franchise across the board.” Despite league-wide player movement documented by hundreds of media outlets, the league, agents, and the players themselves, multiple team sources dispute this narrative. “I think we’d know if (free agency) started already,” said a source familiar with the front office’s thinking. “There’s, like, emails and stuff. Granted, we have our Out Of Office notifications set through the new year, but someone usually texts us if something really big happens.” The Twins, operating with a self-imposed salary cap for reasons that only make sense to people who like using words like “headcount,” “touchpoints,” and “stakeholder,” appear to be unaware that some of their own players have signed elsewhere, with longtime Twin Max Kepler being the most notable example. The team disputes this characterization. “Max is from Germany, this is probably just a cultural thing,” said the front office source about Kepler signing with the Phillies. “Philadelphia means ‘good Christmas to you, sir or madam’ in German. He’s just being friendly in his native tongue.” When told that this is not what Philadelphia means, the source pretended not to hear the statement and asked if the reporter had seen Wicked yet. “Ariana Grande is very talented.” As for the team’s plans come January 1st, the source said the team plans to be thoughtful and engaged. “Of course everyone wants to sign the big-name guys,” said the source. “But we thrive on the margins. If you have a lengthy injury history, or are old enough to remember the Carter presidency, I’m not going to lie: We’re ready to pay you the bare minimum. Within reason.” Image license here. View full article

‘It starts off strong, but the ending is really bleak.’ A Christmas Carol has spent almost two centuries being one of the holiday season’s most durable stories. Countless films, plays, and television shows have adapted the 1843 Charles Dickens novella faithfully, or updated the beloved tale for modern times. Well, not beloved by everyone. For the Pohlad family, owners (for now) of the Minnesota Twins, it’s anything but a Christmas miracle. “I’ll be honest, I just don’t get it,” said one family member. “This guy just gives his money away? Does he not know what money is? What kind of lesson is this teaching young shareholders?” Sources say the family accidentally watched the version starring the late George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge, a wealthy miser visited by the ghost of his former business partner, Jacob Marley, as well as the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. The servant responsible for turning the television on and off at their weekly Costume Gala has allegedly been sent to a debtor’s prison. “It starts off strong, but the ending is really bleak,” said another Pohlad. “You see Scrooge putting the hours in, grinding away, and then all of a sudden he starts getting soft. Grandpa Carl (Pohlad, who bought the Twins in 1984) worked on holidays all the time. Those family farms weren’t going to foreclose themselves.” One plot point that really upset the viewers was the character of Tiny Tim, the sickly son of Scrooge’s employee, Bob Cratchit, whom Scrooge reluctantly gave PTO for Christmas. “I feel bad for the child, but why is that Scrooge’s problem,” asked a Pohlad cousin. “He already gave his dad the day off with pay, which is frankly very generous. Take Tim to urgent care, get someone to cover your shift, or we’ll have AI do your job. These takers drive me nuts.” “Start a GoFundMe or something,” said another. “I’ve seen a lot of poors have success with that.” This is just the latest holiday film controversy involving the Pohlads, who unsuccessfully sued It’s a Wonderful Life director Frank Capra in 1977 for not letting George Bailey drown. View full article

Team hopes this lets free agents know they’re in the mix with other big spenders. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Giorgio Trovato The big headline from the Winter Meetings was the mega-deal Juan Soto signed with the New York Mets. But they’re not the only team willing to spend this offseason. “The Minnesota Twins are pleased to announce that the entire Twins traveling party rented a large, premium sedan at the Dallas airport upon arriving,” said the team in a statement. “There is ample legroom, satellite radio, and a functioning rearview camera.” Team sources indicate that this is a message to players, agents, and the rest of the league that the Twins will be more than bystanders around this year's hot stove, despite a self-imposed budget cut that wrecked their 2024 season and appears set to negatively impact 2025. “Would a team on a tight budget upgrade from a medium sedan,” asked one front office source. “And not just upgrade, but skip the small AND mid-size SUVs and level up to a tricked-out Nissan Altima. The haters are waiters at the table of our success.” Although the team refused to discuss the financials on the record, a quick look at multiple auto rental websites shows that this was an increased expenditure of roughly $125-$150. “We want to compete and win in 2025,” said the statement. “If anyone doubts that, they’re welcome to hop in the backseat of the Altima and enjoy this sweet-ass ride. Then, if the players and agents are willing to lower their contract demands to a more reasonable amount for a team that just made a frankly unprecedented expenditure on their traveling secretary’s wife’s credit card, we expect to be in the mix for a lot of talent.” One front office source noted via text message that the “Pittsburgh Brokebois” (sic) had a Ford Focus with a missing hubcap. “Sad, really.” Team historians note that this kind of outlay for a rental vehicle is a departure from previous offseasons, most notably when Calvin Griffith made George Brophy hitchhike from Moisant Field to his hotel at the 1974 New Orleans Winter Meetings. Image license here. View full article

‘It’s on the appetizer menu, but it eats like a full meal.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonathan Cosen Baseball’s Winter Meetings convene in Dallas on Monday, but many media members are getting there ahead of time to network, chat up sources, and talk shop with their peers. And in the case of Todd Daniels, it’s time to get some hotel bar nachos. “Obviously, media budgets are tight nowadays, so you kinda have to apply those ‘Moneyball’ principles to your dinner order,” said Daniels, who covers the Guardians for the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “And hotel bars have a captive audience, so their prices are already up there. Twenty-six bucks for a smashburger? They just replaced my editor with ChatGPT. Not a chance.” Instead, Daniels recreates a full meal in the aggregate by looking to the appetizer section. “Nachos. Chips, veggies, dairy, protein. A variety of sauces. It’s on the appetizer menu, but it eats like a full meal. It’s practically a buffet line on a plate. Always cheaper than the burger. Always a bigger portion than the chicken sandwich or ‘elevated pub fare,’ whatever that is.” Daniels insists that the quality of the meal is thoroughly adequate. “It’s never going to be great, but it’s never going to be terrible. And there will be leftovers. You bring those back to your room and you have brunch the next day. That’s money you can spend on three, four, five domestic lagers, two IPAs, or a double bourbon rocks with middle-shelf hooch. Middle shelf!” When asked if happy hour specials impacted his decision-making, Daniels scoffed. “You have to remember, happy hours often conflict with our working hours,” said Daniels. “We talk about them like they’re ghosts. Some think they exist, but no one’s ever seen one. If $6 chicken nachos supreme were available between the hours of 2-4pm, I assure you, I would have housed them. “That said, late-night happy hours? That’s when you win on the margins, my friend. 2-for-1 Coors Lights and mini corn dogs can get you through a weekend.” Daniels said that when a retired columnist mentions their expense accounts in the 1970s and 1980s, he has one reaction. “I reconsider every life decision that led me to this job.” View full article

This sale on exclusive items like the Dave St. Peter bobblehead runs through Cyber Monday. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Xiaolong Wong If you’re looking for just the right gift for the Twins fan in your life this season, the team’s Black Friday sale helps you do so without busting your budget! Here are just a few items marked down for the savvy shopper: Dave St. Peter Authentic Bobblehead. This commemorative bobblehead celebrates the outgoing Twins President in a classic Twins pullover and khakis. In addition, the purchase entitles you to four credits towards your education at the University of North Dakota. An entire warehouse of Bally Sports North polo shirts. With BSN rebranding to FanDuel Sports Network, these lightweight, moisture-wicking shirts in navy and powder blue are priced to move. Adventurous fans should visit the “Gameworn Laudners” section of the sale. Is that ketchup or blood? What're you, a cop? Anthony DeSclafani. I guess you can just buy him? I don’t think this is legal, but he’s $99.99 before tax and shipping. Definitely a fixer-upper. Best of Gleeman and the Geek Welcomes. The long-running independent Twins podcast shares its first collaboration with the team, a collection of over 300 of John “Twins Geek” Bonnes’s introductory “Aaaaaand welcome”s on CD and cassette. Each CD/cassette comes with a bonus soy sauce packet from co-host Aaron Gleeman’s personal collection of takeout accoutrements. A paper ticket from the September 9, 2024 game versus the Los Angeles Angels. A day that will go down in Target Field lore, not so much for the contest itself (the Angels won 6-2), but for the only instance of someone using a paper ticket instead of their phone to gain entry in 2024. This ticket also includes the Mapquest directions the user printed out to get from Green Isle to Minneapolis, along with a brief oral history from the ushers and fans who witnessed it. Rocco Baldelli Insult Generator. This handheld device delivers over 20 unique insults related to the Twins manager, voiced by Baldelli himself. Just press the red button to hear choice online invective like “Way to go, Rockhead” or “Sucko BalDummy” from the horse’s mouth. Attaches to most Honda Fit keychains. Ron Coomer’s House of Mystery. The former Twins player and broadcaster may have moved on to the Chicago Cubs media beat, but his legacy lives on in this escape room concept, located in a haunted Robbinsdale triplex. Can you and your friends solve all the baseball-themed clues to escape before time runs out? Will you offer cigarettes to Jackpot, the drifter who’s been crashing there since 2015? Is that a raccoon? Image license here. View full article

‘The Rule 5 Draft is fine and all, but there are some real gems in the 6.’ Image courtesy of Public Domain No franchise is more aware of the benefits of the Rule 5 Draft than the Minnesota Twins. Plucking Johan Santana from Houston’s Class A affiliate in 1999 is one of the savviest moves in recent MLB history. This year, though, the Twins are training their focus on the more obscure Rule 6 Draft, where they’ve already acquired a 1988 Toyota Celica. “This thing’s a real beauty,” said a front office source. “Less than 200,000 miles, small crack in the windshield, brakes are a little squeaky, but it’ll get you where you want to go. We love the veteran presence and durability it brings to the organization. “The Rule 5 Draft is fine and all, but there are some absolute gems in the 6.” The Rule 5 Draft allows teams with open 40-man roster spots to select unprotected players from other teams. The much more obscure Rule 6 Draft lets teams acquire anything left in the parking lots of MLB stadiums after the final home game of their season. The Celica was parked in the Coors Field employee lot in Denver. “One of our scouts was there at the trade deadline and was super impressed (by the car),” said the source. “He got the Blue Book out, did some due diligence, and it's been on our radar since.” The source said they’re hoping the Celica can be used to transport players to and from the airport for call-ups, injury recovery, and other essential baseball activities. Other notable Rule 6 acquisitions by the Twins include a severely dented but otherwise operational dorm fridge from Chicago's Wrigley Field media lot in 2017, and New Prague hobby farmer Junior Ortiz in 1990. Ortiz mistook the Metrodome parking lot for a Frattallone’s Ace Hardware and would go on to be the backup catcher on Minnesota's 1991 World Champions. View full article

'In these tough economic times, a $3,000 pan of brownies will help us stay competitive.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Pam Menegakis The Minnesota Twins are in a bind. They are in the process of being sold. The front office is in a state of flux. They have a payroll restriction of $130 million, and a roster that’s going to make more than that. How can you navigate this uncertainty, bridge the financial gap, and make improvements to the roster? Cookies. “These are two dozen monster cookies, baked by Trevor Larnach himself,” said outgoing team president Dave St. Peter. “And they can be yours for $10,000.” While the price might strike some as outlandish, the cause is one that the team is hoping loyal fans will support. “Every dollar of profit from what we’re calling the Twins Territory Bake Sale goes towards helping us meet payroll in these unprecedented economic times,” said a front office source. “Once the ingredients are paid for and the Pohlads receive their standard 75% cut, the money keeps the roster intact with an eye towards the future. “Kent Hrbek is making him mom’s old icebox cookies recipe. Pablo López is making scotcheroos. Have you ever wanted to spend $15,000 on a pan of Rice Krispy bars from three-time All-Star Glen Perkins? There’s never been a better time, my friend.” When asked why the Pohlads wouldn’t use a fraction of their unimaginable wealth to make up the payroll difference, the source said he would be hunted for sport by deranged billionaires on the Pohlad family’s private island if he answered the question honestly. The Twins Territory Bake Sale runs through Dec. 15. Details can be found on the team’s website. This is the team’s first food-based fundraiser since Lew Ford’s 2004 Deep Fried Turkey Challenge, which supported the fight against adult eczema. Officials say most of the lawsuits have been settled and only one of the fires remains active. Image license here. View full article

Fearsome man/beast hybrid to split time between mayoral, Twins duties Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa In a stunning result on Tuesday night, Twins mascot TC Bear was elected mayor of Owatonna, Minn. “I’m grateful to the people of Owatonna for putting their trust in me,” said Bear. “I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.” The unnerving man/beast hybrid ran as an independent and promised to “improve our roads and schools and absolutely smoke your dumb kids in home run contests, anytime, anywhere.” The accident of God and nature received 78% of the vote. Owatonna residents we spoke with say they are excited about the new leadership. “Hell yeah I voted for him,” said Owen Brady, 56, a lifelong resident of the town of 26,000. “You maybe get one chance in a lifetime to vote for a dude in a bear costume who has his own t-shirt cannon. He shares my values.” “I was at Target Field a few summers ago and TC just put a beating on [93X Morning Show shock jock] Dana Wessel in the home run contest,” said Megan Yang, 32. “He’d do a little dance, launch another bomb, and taunt Wessel over and over. It was humiliating. I can’t wait to see what he does for our city and its out-of-control disc jockeys.” Minnesota political experts say that while it’s unusual for a fake bear with blank, lifeless eyes to become mayor, unconventional candidates have succeeded in our state before. “We had a pro wrestler become governor,” said David Schultz, a professor of political science at Hamline University. “There’s a resort town up north where there’s a dog mayor. I will say, though, that this is the first time a godless beast, red in tooth and paw, has ascended to the mayor’s office. I fear him like I fear death.” Bear says his first act as mayor will be to work with the Chamber of Commerce on attracting new businesses to the city, followed closely by finding and hunting heretics. “There will be no mercy,” he said. View full article

'I was more animal than man...it's something I deal with every day.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonathan Cosen The 2024 World Series ended Wednesday, with the Los Angeles Dodgers taking Game 5 from the New York Yankees, 7-6. While the Bronx Bombers were clearly outplayed, they managed to provide the Series’s most infamous moment, when a pair of Yankees fans attempted to remove a foul ball from Mookie Betts’s glove in Game 4. “That could’ve been me,” said Neil Matthewson, 58, a Twins season ticket holder. “It’s embarrassing, but it’s true.” The Chaska native told Twins Daily that he’s had some less-than-admirable moments in his seats along the right field line at Target Field. “We were in a real tense game against the Blue Jays a couple years ago, and Teoscar Hernández lost a ball in the sun,” said Matthewson. “I said, ‘Nice catch…not,’ under my breath, but I’m pretty sure the usher heard me. She kinda laughed, but I’m not proud of it.” Matthewson said this was not the first time he went “beast mode” at the park. “When Aaron Bummer was with the White Sox, he walked the bases loaded and got pulled,” said the advertising executive. “I stood up and clapped for him, but it was pretty clear that I was being sarcastic. There were some kids in the area, so I made sure to apologize to them and their parents.” He said that he doesn’t know where this darkness comes from, and that while he doesn’t condone the behavior of the Yankees fans in Game 4, he understands it. “I just really am passionate about the Minnesota Twins, like they are for New York, and we want them to succeed,” said Matthewson. “But sometimes it can go overboard. For example, I was behind a car with a Guardians bumper sticker on 212 the other day that changed lanes without signaling. I leaned on my horn pretty good, even though it didn’t bother me any. Not a great moment for ol’ Neil.” Matthewson’s friends and family confirm that he’s almost always easygoing and non-confrontational, but that sometimes “the animal” comes out when the Twins are involved. “When Houston eliminated the Twins from the playoffs last year, Dad took it hard,” said his son, Parker. “He actually stood up after the last out, put both hands on the railing in front of him, lowered his head, and said, and I quote, ‘Dammit.’ “He said he was sorry the entire drive home and asked if the Twins might take his season tickets away.” Image license here. View full article