RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Matt Lehman A disappointing post-All-Star-break record led the Minnesota Twins to make a remarkable number of transactions this week. Most notably, they traded elite closer Jhoan Duran to Philadelphia for two top Phillies prospects and sent shortstop Carlos Correa back to Houston. While the team waving the white flag for 2025 might upset some fans, sources say the current team ownership is even angrier. Just not in the way you’d think. “If we can trade players for cheaper players and, even better, cash money, why can’t we trade these stupid [EXPLETIVE] buildings,” said a memo from the Pohlad family to Derek Falvey and the entire front office that was shared with Twins Daily. “You can’t tell me the Dodgers don’t want a nice retirement community in Woodbury for when Brock Stewart gets injured again. It has a hot tub.” The terse internal memo, littered with uncharacteristically colorful language for team correspondence, arrives as the Pohlads are attempting to sell the franchise for a reported $1.7 billion. While that would almost certainly alleviate any harm from a soft commercial real estate market, that money isn’t here yet. Another section, directed at Twins president of baseball and business operations Derek Falvey, made that uncomfortably clear. “You know who doesn’t have a no-trade clause, Derek? Buildings. You know who doesn’t have a union rep busting your [EXPLETIVE] about paid paternity leave, Derek? Buildings. You know what has a vacancy rate of 95 [EXPLETIVE] percent that no one’s paying the [EXPLETIVE] rent on, Derek? Buildings. Let’s think outside the box here.” By the end of Thursday's action, the Twins had traded Duran, Correa, Stewart, Griffin Jax, Louis Varland, Danny Coulombe, Chris Paddack, Randy Dobnak, Ty France and Harrison Bader, all in return for prospects. “Prospects are great, but what’s even better is a mixed-use seven-story building in Richfield that isn’t our [EXPLETIVE] problem anymore. Ask that goofball from the Mets [billionaire owner Steve Cohen] if he’ll take that and Willi Castro for a briefcase full of twenties.” The Pohlads, who spend summer Thursdays playing croquet with human mallets at their country estate in Switzerland, were unavailable to comment on the memo. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Phillip Goldsberry With rampant speculation about what, if any, path the Minnesota Twins will take as the trade deadline action ramps up, the team surprised fans and media alike with an unexpected acquisition on Wednesday: A couch. “The couch in Rocco's (Baldelli, Twins manager) office has needed an upgrade for a while now, but the money just hasn’t been there,” said a front office source. “One of our clubhouse staffers was scrolling Facebook Marketplace, saw this screaming deal on a practically new couch, and let us know. It came together pretty fast after that.” Although the team declined to say how much was spent on the green Wayfair couch, a screenshot shared with Twins Daily showed the price as “$200 or best offer.” Multiple team sources say the cash was freed up after an unnamed Pohlad family member fired a manservant for insolence. Meanwhile, the team’s beat writers are breathing a sigh of relief for their posteriors. “There were springs poking out of that damn thing,” said MLB.com Twins writer Matthew Leach of the manager’s office couch. “Wildly uncomfortable. And there was a stain on one of the cushions that no one would admit to making, but it smelled like old milk. “I think the couch is legitimately haunted,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. The team hopes that Major League Baseball will allow them to call up a 26th player to drive out to Lester Prairie, MN, where the couch currently resides in the home of Glenn and Anna Nelson, and pick the new furniture up. “They usually only do the 26th man thing for doubleheaders, but we figure they’ll make an exception when they see this beauty,” said the front office source. “You can tell the Nelsons took care of it. They even Scotchgard-ed it, which is so important when the beats bring their hoagies into the office.” “Hoagie Night is always a mess,” confirmed Betsy Helfand, Twins writer for the Pioneer Press. “Oil and mayonnaise everywhere. Real nightmare.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/John Sekutowski Edwin Hoesch watched Tuesday’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game the way he watches most of his programs: Sitting in his well-worn recliner with a glass of tap water and the volume turned up punishingly high. And he didn’t like what he saw or heard. “A tie game? In baseball? Because of those woke politicians, I bet.” Hoesch, 87, lives in a Bloomington retirement community with his third wife, Eugenia. “I don’t stay up that late very often,” said Hoesch. “So’s I was even more mad than I would’ve been. And I was plenty mad.” Eugenia Hoesch confirmed his anger. “I watch one of my NCIS shows every night at 7, then I turn in. I was sound asleep when I heard Eddie yelling ‘A tie? A tie?’ out in the TV room. I haven’t heard him that mad since they quit having dollar coffee at our McDonald’s.” When he was told that most players and teams are happy with the new rules for health and conditioning reasons, Hoesch scoffed. “Ted Williams would have played extra innings and a doubleheader,” said the retired insurance executive. “And everyone would have had a good, full-flavored cigarette between innings. Now you can’t even smoke tobacco anywhere, just mary jane reefer.” Hoesch expanded on all the other new things he disagreed with. This quote has been edited for length and clarity, and an alarmingly specific diatribe against the Portuguese was removed. “You know what else I don’t like? When the weatherman is a lady. The new fella on Wheel of Fortune. Rap music. Rock music. Touchdown celebrations. Roundabouts. Movie theaters with comfortable seats. Public schools. Libraries. Grocery stores that don’t have samples. Solar power. Wind power. Central air. All religions that aren’t mine. When CBS pre-empts Blue Bloods. The sun. Beer, wine, and spirits. Decaffeinated coffee. Caffeinated coffee. Iced coffee. Dogs. Europe. Any government program that I don’t use. And ketchup.” Perhaps counterintuitively, Hoesch also said that college football games should go back to ending in ties, because that’s what The Gipper would’ve wanted. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/May Gauthier With many local businesses (Target, 3M) and the State of Minnesota requiring employees to return to the office either part- or full-time, the Minnesota Twins announced Thursday that players would be required to work in-person three days a week. Remote work would still be allowed twice weekly. The team feels that getting players at Target Field and on road trips more often will help them compete in the wide-open American League Wild Card race. “The ups and downs we’ve had this season are probably reflective of, say, having your starting infield working from home when you’re in Detroit,” said a front office source. “(Jonah) Bride’s a great guy, but I don’t think he would have played as often if we’d had all our options available, much less pitched that much.” “Obviously, having all your players available a little more often helps,” said Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “We’re not scrambling for a replacement when someone gets injured or the bullpen is getting overworked.” For their part, the players may not welcome the change, but they understand it. “If you don’t have to go to Sacramento, why would you,” said one veteran position player. “But at the end of the day, you tend to have more of an impact when you’re on the field, as opposed to a Zoom call with the coaches. It’s weird that they watch you get into the cold tub, right?” “I work every fifth or sixth day, so I can get a lot of stuff done on those off days,” said a starting pitcher who asked to remain anonymous. “My mustache isn’t possible without remote work, so I’m glad I still have a couple days to really bear down and focus on it.” Per two clubhouse sources, weekend shifts will continue being determined by whoever says “Not it” fastest. The team also hopes the return to office impacts players who’ve been struggling to get going this season. “We really think a player like (Christian) Vázquez will benefit from being here more often,” said the front office source. When a reporter told the source that the slumping Vazquez has been in the clubhouse every day this season, the source pretended to be getting an emergency telephone call. The source could not find their phone, answered a stapler, and left the room. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Markus Winkler Even after a brutal series loss to the lowly Miami Marlins, the Twins are not out of the American League Wild Card chase. But with glaringly obvious needs like an impact bat or rotation help likely to go unfilled due to the team’s purgatorial ownership status, they’ll have to improve on the margins. Twins Daily spoke with several front office sources on some of the moves most likely to happen. First, there will be no trades. “Lol, sure, we’ll make a trade,” said one front office source, struggling to stifle their laughter. “I’ll be honest, I don’t think those are legal. If they were, someone would have told us.” A permeating, bone-deep sadness as Byron Buxton wastes the best season of his life. “We’re hoping we can get everyone out to Target Field this summer to stare into the middle distance as Byron goes 3-5 with a homer, two stolen bases, and a run-saving catch in another 9-4 loss,” said another one of the sources. “It really connects them to the parents and grandparents who watched Rod Carew play in front of 18 people at Met Stadium. Road trips sponsored by Frontier Airlines. “It’s not going to hurt our guys to fly a budget airline,” said a third source. “And frankly, being in the cargo hold allows them to be closer to their luggage to prevent any lost valuables.” Sending season ticket reps door-to-door, begging fans to renew. “The personal touch goes a long way. The desperation in their voice is palpable, and the tears they shed are real, genuine tears. And you’re just going to turn your back on them? What are you, a monster? Instead of being heartless, how about springing for this 20-game ticket package for the rest of the season.” Thanking the Pohlads. “We will be spending a significant amount of money on a pregame tribute to the Pohlad family and their stewardship of the franchise. After the national anthem, we’ll have a video package with fireworks, marching bands, and local youth choirs singing their praises before the first pitch. We’ll be passing a hat around each section of the stadium where people can donate money to this tribute and give the family a little ‘walking around’ money. If fans arrive late, don’t worry, this process will repeat during the 7th inning stretch.” Letting fans diagnose, treat Bailey Ober. “We’ve run him out there at a suboptimal level for weeks,” said one source. “I’ll be honest, the only reason he’s on the IL now is that nobody would shut up about him being hurt. So let’s turn the tables a bit. You think you know what’s wrong with Bailey Ober? Diagnose it and fix it. We’re here all day, wise guys. He’s 6’10”, we can barely fit this redwood in the cold tub and you think you have all the answers.” The Twins open a nine-game home stand Friday against the Tampa Bay Rays. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/jpellgen The Minnesota Twins hurled a 2-0 shutout of the Seattle Mariners on Wednesday night, which was notable for a few reasons. It provided a respite from three weeks of truly wretched pitching. They shut down a team led by MVP candidate Cal Raleigh. It came in the wake of a closed-door, pitchers-only meeting. They weren’t the only ones who felt the need to regroup. Per multiple press box sources, the team’s beat writers held a similar, invite-only confab to clear the air as the midseason doldrums were allegedly taking a serious toll on the journalists. “It was just the beats, no columnists, no radio, no TV,” said a writer who was in attendance and asked not to be identified. “The beautiful people can have their own damn meeting.” Sources say there was no incident that sparked the meeting, just a general sense of malaise after the season’s first half saw multiple weather delays, travel misery, and at least one instance of a beat writer throwing their neck fan at a caterer because the ranch dipping sauce for the press box chicken tenders was watery. “You have some big personalities in that group,” said a source from the Twins’ public relations staff. “Lots of people say there’s no ‘I’ in team, but there’s definitely a ‘me’ in [The Athletic’s] Aaron Gleeman.” Although none of the beat writers wanted to go on the record to discuss the details of the meeting to respect the candid nature of the conversations, two of the reporters in the room said spirits were lifted by a group singalong. “Phil [Miller, Star Tribune] pulled out an acoustic guitar and began playing Roxette’s ‘It Must Have Been Love’ from the Pretty Woman soundtrack, and everyone just started singing along,” said one journalist. “Betsy [Helfand, Pioneer Press] has the voice of an angel.” “Once Phil played those sweet, sweet power ballad chords, everyone got on board,” said the second journalist. “Dan [Hayes, The Athletic] prefers that indie Sad Dad music, but even he was harmonizing with the new guy [Matthew Leach, MLB.com, who took over from two-time Jeopardy! loser Do-Hyoung Park].” This appears to be the first such meeting of the journalists who cover Twins baseball since 2005, when the writers gathered in an abandoned J.D. Hoyt's to figure out the best way to describe a post-steroids Bret Boone in print without getting sued. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins endured a long rain delay before Wednesday’s game with the Cincinnati Reds, one which ended early when another storm rolled through and sent the Twins to a 4-2 defeat after six innings of play. For one former Twin, the Reds’ victory also raised some red flags. “I dunno,” said former Minnesota catcher and first-ballot Hall of Famer Joe Mauer, “The kids these days all have potty mouths. If someone says, ‘Cincinnati rain delay,’ I don’t think it’s about the weather, I just assume they’re talking about S-E-X. “That means sex, by the way,” he added in a whisper. Mauer said he first became aware of these double-entendres during his playing days. “[Glen Perkins] and [Justin Morneau] were doing some swears on a road trip like they usually did,” said Mauer. “And Perk says, ‘If you don’t believe me, take a look at urban dictionary dot com.’ I didn’t have a computer on my phone yet, so when we checked into the hotel, I went down to the business center and checked this so-called Urban Dictionary out. My gosh, it was so raunchy that I unplugged the computer and told the front desk that it was haunted.” In fact, a search for “Cincinnati Rain Delay” revealed no hidden meaning behind the phrase. The false alarm relieved the 3-time All-Star, but he’s no less vigilant. “Morneau got me some real nice patio furniture for my birthday last year and said they were from a new brand called Cuck Chairs,” said Mauer. “So my wife and I had some friends over from my kids’ school for a barbecue. She handled the burgers and hot dogs while I got pops for everyone. I told the fellas to go sit in the Cuck Chairs, they’re my favorite, and you can watch my wife go to town on all that meat. They looked at me super weird. “I sent a text to Justin and he just replied with the yellow head man laughing with tears in his eyes. I think that means rude humor? I was pretty steamed,” he added. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Michael Worden The Minnesota Twins roared to life after a miserable 7-13 start on the strength of elite work from the starting rotation, with a 13-game winning streak highlighting the turnaround. Unfortunately, the last couple weeks have seen significant injuries to Pablo Lopez and Zebby Matthews and “mechanical issues” for Bailey Ober. Throw in the continued struggles of Simeon Woods Richardson, and what was once an asset now threatens to derail the season. Can the team make a move to add another starter, or at least shore up a bullpen that’s likely to see even more work on its already full plate? “Would you take a look at this beauty,” said Twins executive vice president Joe Pohlad, referring to the Black Pearl, a sailing yacht featured in Seafaring Dandy, the magazine he was leafing through when asked about potential acquisitions. “Elegant lines, the height of luxury, spa pool, hot tub, a cinema on board. Exquisite.” The Twins remain in the thick of the American League Wild Card standings, but with nine teams separated by only six games for the three berths, even a minor return to their early season doldrums could prove disastrous. “My goodness, the Centurion Nv233 is a speed demon,” said Pohlad, flipping to a feature about watersport boats. “Get about a dozen of those out on Lake Minnetonka on July 4th, show some of those old-timers how we do things around here.” Minnesota’s offense has underperformed all season, but there are signs that slumping stars like Royce Lewis and Carlos Correa are coming around. Would the team consider adding offense to beef up run production, especially with the pitching becoming more of a question mark? “One thing I know for sure is that I’m looking at this V-55 Sport Yacht from Valhalla Boatworks,” said Pohlad, pulling up yachtworld.com on his phone. “Do some deep-sea marlin fishing off the (Florida) Keys in this bad boy, those fish are gonna jump on board just to take a ride.” The Pohlad family continues trying to sell the franchise, with a speculated asking price of $1.7 billion. There have been no indications that they’re willing to take any steps to shore up the current roster, much less take on salary. “Vrooooooom vroooooom brrrrrrrrrrrrr vrooooooooooom,” added Pohlad. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Elsevier Chances are, you'd never heard of the teres major until it ended Joe Ryan’s season last year. Now, after just barely putting that nightmare behind you, the same injury to the same muscle is sidelining Pablo López for most of the summer. What gives? Here’s all we know about this heretofore obscure part of the human body. WHERE IS IT? This little guy is attached to the shoulder blade and humerus, hard by the deltoid and the dreaded rotator cuff. IF THERE’S A TERES MAJOR, IS THERE A TERES MINOR? Yes. It’s part of the rotator cuff, unlike the teres major. DOES IT ONLY HATE MINNESOTA TWINS FRONTLINE STARTING PITCHERS? Yes. Sure, Max Scherzer had a teres major injury a couple of years ago, but he’s got that different-colored eyes thing. Outliers exist, as does the Injury Gods’ long-running hatred of Twins baseball. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GO IN AND FIX IT? I HAVE TIME, I WATCHED THE PITT, I CAN BRING SODAS. Thank you for that offer, but there’s no surgical way to “fix” a strain of this muscle, per the American Journal of Sports Medicine. Rest, anti-inflammatories, and physical therapy are the agreed-upon treatments for this rare injury that targets Minnesota Twin All-Stars like they just abducted Liam Neeson’s daughter or something. IS IT SOMETHING I DID WRONG? No. You’re rooting for the team you grew up with. Your parents, who decided to live and work here? That’s another story. Dale and Rhonda have a lot to answer for. This is why therapy is so important. IS MY FAMILY SAFE? We're going to level with you: They are not. WHAT KIND OF ACTIONS CAN I TAKE TO PROTECT MY FAMILY? Overhand throwing is the most likely way to inflict grievous bodily harm, outside of building and piloting your own submarine. Have your loved ones considered placekicking? WHEN WILL THE HURTING STOP? In specific, concrete terms, López can’t throw a baseball for four weeks before beginning the rehab process. In more metaphorical terms, it ends whenever any of the major local teams hangs a banner. The Minnesota Lynx carry an unimaginable burden right now. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Tom Hagerty The end of Royce Lewis’s 2024 season and beginning of his 2025 season were thought to have two things in common: Injuries and underperformance. In a startling development revealed on Thursday, there’s now a third thing: Groyce Lewis, Royce’s evil twin brother, who replaced the latter sometime in late July of 2024. “We think the swap happened over the 2024 All-Star Break,” said a front office source with knowledge of the situation. “It’s believed that, at a family reunion celebration, Groyce tricked Royce into entering a room that had ‘HEALTHY HAMSTRINGS, FREE TO USE’ on the door. He’s been stuck in there ever since, with Groyce taking his place on the team.” This bombshell was delivered moments after Minnesota’s 5-0 loss Tampa on Wednesday, when Lewis’s slump was extended to zero hits in his last 24 at-bats. “When we were scouting Royce before the 2017 draft, the only real red flag was the fact that he had an evil twin brother named Groyce,” said the source. “Groyce would often engage in what our scouts describe as ‘plots, schemes, ruses, and machinations,’ often at the expense of his good twin brother, Royce.” Teammates expressed surprise at the revelation but admitted there were signs. “When he tweaked his hamstring in spring training, he made what I can only describe as a sinister laugh,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Straining your hamstring hurts, man. He just cackled, drummed his fingers, and said ‘Everything is going according to plan, you fools, you fools’ while he limped off the field.” “We were on a road trip last year and went out to a restaurant to eat,” said outfielder Matt Wallner. “We’re sitting there, waiting for our dinner, and he asked us out of the blue if we wanted to tie damsels to the railroad tracks afterwards. And he had a handlebar mustache for some reason? Weird.” Team officials say they hope to recover the actual Royce Lewis from captivity before this weekend’s series with Seattle. When asked to comment about his pernicious plan laid bare, Groyce would only say: “I’m an evil twin. This is what I do.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Tom Hagerty Unexpected things happen in baseball. The Minnesota Twins are not immune to it. Indeed, they have too many to name in one blog. A smattering off the top of my head: A palm ball merchant named Tony Fiore throws absolute slop, posts double-digit victories, finishes 8th in Rookie of the Year voting in 2002. Lew Ford gets MVP votes in 2004. Marty Cordova goes on the IL with a tanning bed injury in 2002. Dave Kingman hits a ball out of the Metrodome one day in 1984, Mickey Hatcher turns his ankle the next day trying to catch a stunt ball dropped from the Teflon sky. Bombo Rivera. This year, we add Kody Clemens to the list. A 29-year-old journeyman best known for his famous dad, Clemens was acquired from the Phillies for cash. Not even a low-level prospect. Just cash. With the entire active roster in the sanitarium where Doc Holliday was at the end of Tombstone, Clemens was forced into action and has simply thrived, belting two massive home runs vs. Boston and Baltimore along with Wednesday’s walk-off double versus Cleveland. Which leads any reasonable person to the following spot: Are we correctly (korrectly?) assessing Kodys with a K? Kody with a K allows one to make certain assumptions: He’s not very old—there isn’t a Pope Kody or a Chief Justice Kody. He’s very into motocross or BMX racing. He has hard-won knowledge of Mountain Dew special edition flavors. If he’s notable enough to have a Wikipedia page, there’s a section called “TikTok Controversy.” His recent hit single, “Cold Beers and Chevy Trucks (Song for the Troops),” has been number one on the Billboard Country charts for three weeks. If he’s on ESPN, he’s competing in the Johnsonville Cornhole World Championship, being held in the ballroom of Knoxville’s worst Radisson. And yet, here’s Kody Clemens, keying the Minnesota Twins 13-game winning streak. This is not what Kodys with a K do. Kodys are helping you find what you’re looking for at Bass Pro Shops. Kodys have a pyramid of spent Copenhagen tins in their off-campus apartment. Kodys are at the skatepark where the Pamida used to be. Kodys are your seventh bullpen option. (Sidebar: Kodys are different from Codys. It’s the K, folks. The Suite Life of Zach and Kody simply doesn’t work and everyone knows this. Cody will be at the farmers market this weekend if you need further explanation.) It’s fair to wonder how sustainable this all is. After all, there’s no Kody with a K in the Hall of Fame. There’s never even been a Kody with a K in the All-Star Game. Lesser players have gone on longer heaters than Clemens only to return to obscurity. But he’s done more than enough to make all of us reexamine our priors. Has this Kody with a K shattered our preconceptions of the most professional rodeo-ass name in the English language? The jury’s still out, but in a world where celebrity failsons are a blight on the culture and country, let’s celebrate Kody with a K’s heroic play with a raised can of Rockstar Silver Ice Zero Sugar Energy Drink and a Salt Life long-sleeved t-shirt. He’s earned it. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports This season started like any other for the godless Chicago White Sox: a 4-16 start, general apathy, poor attendance, and our country’s prison system and adult video superstores overrun with fans of the squalid franchise. But two major developments have left many wondering just how godless this horrible team and the clammy perverts that support it are. First, as has been widely reported, the first American Pope was outed as a White Sox fan. Given that the Catholic Church makes a point of ministering to the wretches and the impoverished of the world, it makes a ton of sense. "When Jesus cured the lepers, modern religious scholars say it symbolizes a White Sox fan getting the breathalyzer removed from his Toyota Celica," said Miles Ruffin, OSB, who teaches a course on Eschatology at St. John’s University in Collegeville, MN. "Pope Leo, no doubt, understands this." Second, despite being a stank-ass 14-29 as of this writing, that’s twice as many victories as their doomed counterparts in Denver, with the Colorado Rockies setting a new standard for buffoonery every game. This has left many baseball fans and writers questioning their priors. Are the White Sox still godless? Are their lowlife fans still damned to the furthest corners of the hell they’ve meticulously crafted? It’s complicated, according to two fans of other notorious losers and scoundrels that Twins Daily spoke with. “I’ve seen a lot of bad local sports in my time,” said Jon Marthaler, soccer correspondent for the Minnesota Star-Tribune and someone who went to Gophers football games in the Metrodome of his own free will. “To see the White Sox surpass the futility of the Butch Huskey-era Twins is one thing; to see the Rockies play like they learned the rules five minutes ago is another. “I would without question say the White Sox are still monsters, and their fanbase a cruel reminder of man’s inhumanity to man, but the Rockies… my goodness.” Chrissie Bonnes, wife of Twins Daily founder John Bonnes and Philadelphia native, recalled “The Process” years of her beloved Philadelphia 76ers. “Those teams tanked with intention,” said Bonnes. “From what I’ve seen, the White Sox are actually trying, which is worse. And now another team can’t even clear that miraculously low bar? Much like every child born to two White Sox fans, it’s criminal.” Even people of faith find themselves at a crossroads. “Those with even a passing familiarity with the Bible know that faith is often tested,” said Ruffin. “But to observe such a bleak obscenity as Chicago White Sox baseball, and to realize there are depths below even that? Even after hours of prayer and contemplation, I struggle to understand how a loving God can allow this kind of misery.” View full article