Man Born Before Interstate Highway System Outraged By All-Star Tie, All Other New Things

Edwin Hoesch watched Tuesday’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game the way he watches most of his programs: Sitting in his well-worn recliner with a glass of tap water and the volume turned up punishingly high. And he didn’t like what he saw or heard.

“A tie game? In baseball? Because of those woke politicians, I bet.”

Hoesch, 87, lives in a Bloomington retirement community with his third wife, Eugenia.

“I don’t stay up that late very often,” said Hoesch. “So’s I was even more mad than I would’ve been. And I was plenty mad.”

Eugenia Hoesch confirmed his anger.

“I watch one of my NCIS shows every night at 7, then I turn in. I was sound asleep when I heard Eddie yelling ‘A tie? A tie?’ out in the TV room. I haven’t heard him that mad since they quit having dollar coffee at our McDonald’s.”

When he was told that most players and teams are happy with the new rules for health and conditioning reasons, Hoesch scoffed.

“Ted Williams would have played extra innings and a doubleheader,” said the retired insurance executive. “And everyone would have had a good, full-flavored cigarette between innings. Now you can’t even smoke tobacco anywhere, just mary jane reefer.”

Hoesch expanded on all the other new things he disagreed with. This quote has been edited for length and clarity, and an alarmingly specific diatribe against the Portuguese was removed.

“You know what else I don’t like? When the weatherman is a lady. The new fella on Wheel of Fortune. Rap music. Rock music. Touchdown celebrations. Roundabouts. Movie theaters with comfortable seats. Public schools. Libraries. Grocery stores that don’t have samples. Solar power. Wind power. Central air. All religions that aren’t mine. When CBS pre-empts Blue Bloods. The sun. Beer, wine, and spirits. Decaffeinated coffee. Caffeinated coffee. Iced coffee. Dogs. Europe. Any government program that I don’t use. And ketchup.”

Perhaps counterintuitively, Hoesch also said that college football games should go back to ending in ties, because that’s what The Gipper would’ve wanted.