RandBalls Stu

‘We want fans to share their enthusiasm and, more critically, their income,’ said a source. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Samuel Regan Asante The Minnesota Twins are in a bind. Despite an excellent chance at another playoff bid, the team needs a starting pitcher, and possibly a lefty reliever. But with TV revenue slashed, attendance numbers below projections, and ownership’s self-imposed frugality, the money just isn’t there to add payroll in a trade. Unless you step up. The Minnesota Twins announced the formation of a GoFundMe for the upcoming trade deadline. With a goal of $10,000,000, the team hopes they can raise enough capital to add a pitcher or two by July 30th. “We want fans to share their enthusiasm and, more critically, their income,” said a front office source. “Can you imagine having a crucial late-season start being made by someone you helped pay for? It gives all our fans some real skin in the game.” Starter Chris Paddack won’t be back until after the deadline. With no guarantee that he’ll be both healthy and reliable in August and September, adding another arm to the rotation is a clear priority for a team in both the division title and Wild Card conversations. “Sportswriters and bloggers talk about buyers and sellers, and it sounds so exciting,” said the source. “Twins Territory should be a part of that conversation. With their checkbooks, to be specific. We have disabled comments on the fundraising page. Please, no more comments.” With Tuesday just four days away, the fundraiser is off to what a source close to team ownership admits is a “soft” start. “We’re currently sitting at $65. All the donations so far appear to be ironic or accidental.” For local fans wary of online banking, the team also has a RBC Wealth Management Trade Money Bucket set up by Gate 7 at Target Field. Although no funds have been deposited, nearby residents have observed it being used as both an ashtray and emergency toilet. If a trade doesn’t materialize and the money goes unused, all donations will be used to cover standard maintenance and cleaning of the marble and gold toilets at various Pohlad houses, lake homes, penthouses, villas, cottages, cabins, manors, country estates, island getaways, and retreats. Image license here. View full article

Partisans of the wretched, unlovable team return to their hideous lives this Friday. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund The godless Chicago White Sox had abysmal expectations heading into 2024. They spent the season’s first half unable (and some would argue unwilling) to clear even that low bar. Owning a 27-71 record and sitting a staggering 32.5 games out of first place, the South Siders are a masterclass in incompetence and sorrow. They don’t play baseball, so much as discover new ways to defile it. Ugliness is their gift, and every day is Christmas. While it’s fair to question why anyone would watch this woebegone collection of anti-talent, the vanishingly small fanbase of criminals and perverts still exists, and they’ve truly enjoyed this respite from the trebuchet of misery. “I woke up on Tuesday without feeling like this invisible weight was on my chest,” said Thom Broderick, 41, of Joliet, Ill.. “At first, I thought it was the sweet release of death, but then I realized it was the All-Star break. As someone who will spend many more years in jail for arson and insurance fraud, it was a welcome change from my normal routine.” “It’s been so refreshing,” said Susan Galovich, 33, of Oak Lawn. “Usually, when I get done with a day of cold-calling senior citizens to steal their banking information, I settle in to watch the White Sox get flattened again. This week I’ve just been more in the moment, more present. I go to Home Depot, buy appliances with a credit card that isn’t mine, and stay one step ahead of the law.” Fans say that this temporary relief is somewhat tainted by the knowledge that there are still months to go before the season ends. “I’m enjoying it, but I know it can’t last,” said Henry Subkoviak, 53, of Berwyn. “You can always ignore the phone calls of debt collectors, the wife you abandoned for your secret other wife, or the secret other wife you abandoned for her sister, but there’s always another White Sox game. There’s not a burner phone in the world that can keep them from blowing another quality Erick Fedde start. And trust me, I know from burner phones.” The White Sox resume play Friday night in Kansas City, in defiance of God’s will. Image license here. View full article

‘What’s Joe doing, mama?’ Image courtesy of Flickr/Austin Kirk Local parents and guardians (the regular kind, not the weird Cleveland kind) expressed concern this week, as a video clip surfaced of Minnesota Twins pitcher/smokeshow Joe Ryan going to town on his nether regions with a container of talcum powder in the dugout. “I was watching the game with my two young sons, and they cut to the dugout after Carlos Correa hit a dinger,” said Karly Hill, a Lino Lakes mother and former LuLaRoe leggings tycoon. “He’s high-fiving his teammates and then they cut to another Twin exploring all the possibilities of his body. Skyler looked at me and asked, ‘What’s Joe doing, mama?’ I didn’t have an answer. Then he and Weston ran to the refrigerator and started putting ketchup and mustard down the front of their pants, saying, ‘I’m Joe Ryan! I’m Joe Ryan!’ The Twins have a lot of explaining to do.” “Listen, I get it, you gotta take care of yourself down there during the summer,” said Chad Leeman, a single father in the Annandale area. “Things get tropical in a hurry. But have some awareness of your surroundings. If you’re hammering away like it’s parmesan cheese at Olive Garden, that’s fine, but maybe step into the other room?" Experts say that if your child has questions about the incident, the best thing to do is distract them with other things. “Listen, there’s just no way you can delicately approach the subject of swamp ass and chafing with a young child, especially a boy,” said Abigail Goodloe, a child psychologist at the University of Minnesota. “They’re just going to hoot and holler for a week, then hurt themselves on a skateboard. What you need to do is say, ‘Hey, let’s go to Dairy Queen.’ Buy them something that makes noise. Show them a TikTok of a toilet that talks in a baby voice. You have no choice.” Neither Ryan nor the Twins are commenting on the situation, although a team source expressed surprise that multiple fans found the game on television. Image license here. View full article

The most feared entities in Twins Territory reveal their plans for Minnesota’s prized prospect, other players. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Nathan Cima One would think piling another injury upon Royce Lewis would be enough to satisfy The Injury Gods in their ceaseless vendetta against the Minnesota Twins. One would be wrong. Per sources close to Jontu of the Poison Wind, Cnathol the Endless, and other timeless beings, the promotion of blue-chip infield prospect Brooks Lee has roused a sense of “playful urgency” in them. “They saw how many Twins fans were relieved that the team had a potentially viable replacement for Lewis,” said the source, who asked not to be named for fear of pitiless wrath. “The usual ‘woe is us’ wasn’t there, and it definitely moved the needle. “To be clear, that is not a metaphor. It’s a very sharp needle used for suffering. Hurts like the dickens.” While there is no specific plan of action yet, the sources say the Gods are considering any number of potential injuries to Lee, the team’s top draft pick of 2022. “A fireworks mishap is timely given the holiday, but the weather may not cooperate,” said the source. “That’s when you look elsewhere for hurtful things. I know there have been discussions of dropping a piano on someone, because no one drops a piano these days. Real throwback pain.” Another source indicated that Lee’s punishment may have to wait, as the Gods deal with problems in the Twins rotation. “Joe Ryan is playing real well and he’s a smokeshow,” said the source. “An outbreak of acne so severe that the oozing affects his vision and causes fans to pelt him with rocks and garbage is very likely in the coming days.” When asked if the recent surge from oft-injured Byron Buxton was an example of the Gods getting soft, sources strongly denied this notion. “Do mortals not get that we give them things as a treat, only to snatch it away once again,” said a source familiar with Jontu’s thinking. “It’s so easy to lead you guys on. There’s going to be a malfunctioning sprinkler head in the outfield, Buxton will trip on it, and there’s a month with a busted toe and a trade for Jake Cave. Simpletons.” The Twins open a series with the Houston Astros Friday night at 7:10 pm, Cnathol permitting. Image license here. View full article

"There’s no way their record can be that good. We’ll get to the bottom of it." Image courtesy of Flickr/Erik Drost In a rare show of bipartisan unity, the U.S. House and Senate voted overwhelmingly Thursday to put an indefinite halt to all Cleveland Guardians baseball activities. This move comes after a nationwide groundswell of demand for Congress to do something about the AL Central-leading Guardians, who have the best record in the American League despite not having anyone on their team you could pick out of a lineup. “You check the standings and see Cleveland’s record is 51-27,” said Twins Daily’s Nick Nelson. “It’s a red flag for anyone who cares about the integrity of the game. They have José Ramírez. That's it. Something's wrong.” “We are going to figure out what is going on with those nasty little freaks,” said Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar (D). “It’s unconscionable that we’ve let things get this far, frankly.” In addition, the National Guard is being called in to prevent players and fans from accessing both Progressive Field in Cleveland and any away game stadiums on the Cleveland schedule. “I know some local fans might be upset with me for calling in the Guard,” said Ohio Governor Mike DeWine (R). “But doing the right thing matters. And need I remind them that Cincinnati is in Ohio, too, and way more fun anyway? Just watch Elly De La Cruz launch bombs instead of whatever collection of castoffs and goblins Cleveland trots out.” “They have a better record than the Yankees,” said Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth (D). “They have a better record than the Orioles. They’re basically tied with the Phillies. None of it makes sense. Those teams are fantastic. Cleveland is just, you know, Cleveland.” “There’s no way their record can be that good,” said Klobuchar. “We’ll get to the bottom of it.” The investigation is expected to last 3-4 weeks, during which Cleveland’s record will probably improve anyway, for one simple reason. “We live in a fallen world,” said Nelson. Image license here. View full article

‘He’s so good. He’s so fun. His smile makes me want to be a better man.’ Image courtesy of Flickr/Jorge Gonzalez Unlikable Chaska man Barry Daniel finds himself at a crossroads. In the past, he’s been able to mount spectacularly annoying and disingenuous arguments about Minnesota sports and athletes with ease. From “Joe Mauer fakes concussions for sympathy” to “The Minnesota Wild logo is quality design work” to “It should be harder to watch Twins games on television, Bally Sports North is doing the right thing,” he’s a true pest. So why can’t he hate Royce Lewis? “It should be so easy,” said Daniel, wearing a fedora at the mall for some reason. “He’s hurt a lot. He made a bad throwing error that led to a loss this week. But…” Daniel’s voice trailed off to barely a whisper. “He’s so good. He’s so fun. His numbers through the first 80 games of his career are insane. His smile makes me want to be a better man.” Daniel, who thinks Twitter is better now that there are Nazis and pornography in everyone’s mentions, knows this is against everything he stands for. “When I told all the women at work that their right to vote was a mistake because it wasn’t what the founders intended, it came so easily,” said Daniel, who has never known love. “But if I try to say that Royce Lewis is overrated, I choke up. I don’t know what the problem is.” Daniel hopes that the second half of the season provides more clarity. “Like I was telling the entire waitstaff at Texas Roadhouse the other day, I supported the Twins slashing payroll, because that just means the remaining players work harder. And with the wild card a real possibility, I need to have someone to blame if they fall short. So-called analysts will look at the lack of another front-line starter or left-handed power hitter, but me? Built different. It’s because (Carlos) Correa’s overpaid, or (Jhoan) Duran should throw slower.” Daniel fishes for the keys to his Cybertruck and concludes: “The thing is, I hear myself say ‘Royce should have known his role and taken a backseat to Kyle Farmer, a real gamer,’ and I can’t even keep a straight face. I’m miserable. This sucks.” View full article

Longtime Minnesota Twins mascot leaves a trail of blood and fur as new uniforms land this weekend. Image courtesy of Adam/Flickr The Minnesota Twins rolled out their 2024 City Connect jerseys this week, to generally positive reviews. The multiple shades of blue with some yellow and subtle pink accents were certainly a departure from the team’s traditional red-and-blue mix. One negative review came from an unlikely source: TC Bear, the team’s animal/human hybrid mascot, who went on a hate-fueled rampage, leaving dozens mauled and injured. A police source says that when the uniforms were delivered to the team clubhouse, the mere sight triggered what some are calling “bloodlust” in the pretend bear, as he began clawing and clubbing anything and anyone nearby. “I don’t know if it was the colors or the design, but something about the uniforms clearly set TC off,” said the source. “It’s remarkable that no one was more seriously hurt.” TC Bear’s ire seemed trained itself on local media, who were in the clubhouse at the time for the reveal and to gather player reactions. “His eyes went almost completely black, like a doll’s eyes,” said a source on the team’s training staff. “But he seemed laser-focused on going after the beat writers, rather than the players.” “He eyed up Willi Castro pretty good, but when he saw (MLB.com’s) Do-Hyoung Park taking notes next to him, he was just a blur,” said a member of the coaching staff. “TC picked Do up and threw him like a javelin.” Despite the journalist-shaped impact crater, Park escaped serious injury. “I was on Jeopardy!,” said the sportswriter. “Twice.” TC continued mauling his way through the interior of Target Field before lumbering out of the park and into the North Loop neighborhood, where he was finally sedated with the help of an unlikely hero. “The fake man-bear was on the back patio of Cuzzy’s throwing some bros from Target corporate around like rag dolls,” said an eyewitness. “Then (The Athletic’s) Aaron Gleeman approached him and put his neck fan over TC’s shoulders. I could hear him say, ‘Sleep, friend. Sleep.’ He was out like a light, just like that. “There is no greater friend to wildlife or humankind than Aaron Gleeman.” TC is being held in a dimly lit Roseville warehouse for further observation from a team of mysterious doctors. The Twins will debut their City Connect jerseys tonight versus Oakland. Image license here. View full article

A partial list. Image courtesy of © Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports File this away for his future canonization campaign--and let's hope that's the next time he becomes a Saint. Broke a 20-year playoff victory drought. Displayed competence in Yankee Stadium. Executed perfect zipper merge in rush hour traffic at the 94/494/694 interchange in Maple Grove. Even gave a little wave to other motorists. Turned water into refreshing Gatorade. Tamed a feral TC Bear with the power of song, saving the life of a terrified Steven Okert. Tamed a feral White Sox fan with the power of song, turning her into a productive member of polite society with a job and a 401(k). Missed Paul Skenes in the rotation this weekend. Found a Twins baseball game on cable television. Convinced his other friends in the group chat not to bully the one friend who is an Android user. Went to Target and purchased exactly what he needed and nothing more. Folded a fitted sheet and a duvet cover without swearing or starting over. Had a conversation with my dad that didn’t mention the Minnesota Vikings or the weather. Tried CrossFit, enjoyed it, but didn’t make it his whole personality. Same thing with vegan food, IPAs, Stanley tumblers, and distance running. Gets hurt nearly as much as Byron Buxton but doesn’t have every insurrection uncle in Lino Lakes mad at him for being soft. Rather than cutting a piece off and leaving an even smaller piece, finished the last donut in the box in the office kitchen. Doesn’t get weird about the WNBA, Caitlin Clark, and hard fouls. Turned Jurassic Park into a safe, profitable, family-friendly resort with zero security hiccups. Finds value in both statistical analysis and more traditional scouting. Can name all the Prime (Twins Player Last Name) accounts on Twitter and rank them on a scale from Weirdest to Still Weird but Less Troubled. As foretold by the Bene Gesserit, Royce is the Lisan al Gaib, the Kwisatz Haderach, the last Duke of House Atreides, our last, best hope in the epochal war versus House Harkonnen and/or the Cleveland Guardians. Tell the Pope to stay close to his saint-making thingy. (Though let's wait and see how Jurassic Park plays out over a slightly longer timeframe first.) View full article

‘People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.’ Image courtesy of © Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports While most of the conversation surrounding Joe Ryan has been around his excellent start to 2024, there’s an undercurrent occupying the office hours of actuaries, underwriters, and healthcare professionals: Should the health impacts of the Twins pitcher’s smoldering good looks be covered under your employer- or goverment-sponsored insurance plan? Most major insurers now say yes, as Minnesota-based UnitedHealth Group joined Aetna, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and Kaiser Permanente on Thursday in covering Joe Ryan-based health incidents. “My dude is a smokeshow,” said Dennis Hurlburt, a spokesperson for UnitedHealth Group. “That devil-may-care gleam, the perfectly imperfect facial hair…it’s no wonder people enter what can best be described as a fugue state and drive their Honda Civic right through the garage. Geico’s not paying for that.” Much like other preventive care procedures (like physicals, mammograms, and cancer screenings), getting lost in Joe Ryan’s dreamy eyes will be covered 100%, at no cost to the policyholder. Industry reform advocates say this is a step in the right direction. “You might be going about your day, working on your spreadsheets or running the ham slicer at Jersey Mike’s, then boom, Minnesota’s number-two starting pitcher is top of mind,” said Gina Zinner, a patient advocate for the Minneapolis VA. “You imagine yourself running your fingers through his tousled hair, talking about your favorite Led Zeppelin albums. Next thing you know, a month of P&L statements or your ring finger are gone. Something needed to be done. “People are getting hurt, and even though it hurts so good, the costs add up.” Neither the Twins nor Ryan had any comment on the decision, but a team source said they are reconsidering their Joe Ryan Holds Your Hand and Makes Direct Eye Contact With You While You Talk About Your Complicated Relationship With Your Father promotion in late July. “He has kind eyes,” said the source. “It’s too much. It’s just too much.” View full article

The cased meat sits down with Twins Daily to talk about its humble beginnings, its rise to fame, and its controversial social media posts. Image courtesy of Cloverdale Foods Company One of the few constants in a roller-coaster 2024 Twins seasons is Tangy, a Cloverdale-brand summer sausage that has become a rallying totem for Minnesota. In an occasionally contentious interview, Tangy addressed its beginnings, its place in the locker room, and its rumored relationship with a budding pop star. Edited for length and clarity. Twins Daily: Thanks so much for taking time out of your schedule to chat with us. Tangy: No, thank you. Love the work your site does. TD: First of all, what makes you Tangy? Tangy: It’s a proprietary spice blend that’s added to the grind during production. You’re going to get some salt, pepper, garlic powder, etc. But the rest is what sets me apart. TD: Do I detect fennel? Tangy: I’ll never tell, wink-wink. TD: Haha, yes. Anyway, when did you realize you’d gone from a humble sandwich/meat-and-cheese board staple to an integral part of this baseball team? Tangy: No doubt, it’s when I bonked Carlos Santana in the head. You always worry about how millionaire athletes will handle getting pelted with meats and other foodstuffs. To his credit, Santana was unfazed. He’s a veteran. Said that Larry Bowa once threw an entire pot roast at him because he thought he didn’t hustle out a grounder. TD: I know this is an uncomfortable subject for you, but your current appearance— Tangy: I know where this is going, let me have it. TD: Well, you look a little worse for wear. Tangy: Dude, I look like hell. No need to sugarcoat it. TD: But at the same time, you smell…OK? Not like a field of lilacs, but given your current visual state, I’m not running out of the room. Tangy: I’m shelf-stable! The preservatives (Cloverdale) pumped into me to keep me delicious might as well be from BALCO. I’m indestructible, buddy. TD: You kind of smell like a gas-station Subway. Tangy: One of those ones that’s the only thing on the Nebraska interstate for the next 40 miles? And there’s a trucker sleeping in one of the booths? TD: Exactly. Tangy: Yeah, I get that. TD: OK, I need to ask you about some of your social media posts. Tangy: Oh, here we go. I thought Morse (Twins PR maven Dustin Morse) said we wouldn’t be talking about that. TD: Given that your most recent Instagram live post said you were unafraid to answer any questions, I can’t imagine anything is off the table. Tangy: Typical “gotcha” journalism. Sad, really, I expect better from Twins Daily than for you to try to cancel me. TD: Well, if you’re going to say, as you did last week, that, and I quote, “Bologna is just summer sausage that was homeschooled by an idiot,” people are going to react. Tangy: There’s not one word of that that isn’t true. TD: People like bologna! Tangy: They also liked The Macarena. Trends don’t last. Summer sausage does. TD: You characterize bologna as trendy? Tangy: Brother, go to one of those Fancy Dan restaurants that call their sandwiches “handhelds” or some crap. They’ll have an $18 artisan bologna sandwich with house-made gouda. Good luck finding an honest, working man’s protein like summer sausage on the menu. TD: Fair enough. Before I let you go, would you care to address the rumors connecting you to pop star Sabrina Carpenter? Tangy: We’re just good friends. TD: When you were pictured together backstage at Saturday Night Live on their season finale, it got people talking. Tangy: Lorne (Michaels, longtime SNL producer) invited me. Big fan of the show, big fan of Sabrina. You’re not going to get me to say anything else. It’s both irrelevant and frankly no one else’s business. TD: Thank you for your time. Tangy: This is why no one trusts the media. Just creating something out of nothing. Sick of this. Morse is going to hear about this. View full article

Can't stand 'em! Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons/Scott Kipp Remember last year, when the Twins won the season series versus the New York Yankees? It was great! After decades of humbling, soul-crushing defeats, the Twins were the better team--both at Target Field and, somehow, at Yankee Stadium. It felt like a prelude to Minnesota also relieving itself of its humbling, soul-crushing playoff losing streak, while the Yankees missed the postseason entirely. So, about this year. The Yankees have returned to form, holding the best record in the American League as of this writing. The Twins cut payroll and sustained a ton of injuries, but a scorching 17-3 run entering their first series with the Bronx Bombers provided optimism. It didn’t last. The starting pitchers surrendered mammoth dongs, the offense was anemic, and the defense was a SuperFund site. It all contributed to a series sweep at home and a familiar, nauseating sensation. Yankees vs. Twins is back, and it sucks. But you don’t need me to tell you that. What you need is a list of things I personally blame on the New York Yankees, whom I hate with a renewed vigor: Human want. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering the start of World War I. Google search being nothing but ads now. Amazon not renewing Patriot for a third season. Mosquitoes. Climate change. The dang kids these days. Aaron Boone time-traveling to 1919 and giving Shoeless Joe Jackson an old-timey Draft Kings account, kickstarting the Black Sox scandal. Canadian wildfire smoke. Fanatics uniforms. The price of eggs. The ravages of age and time. The Mayor of Amity not closing the beaches on July 4th, even though there’s obviously a great white shark in the water. ESPN airing debate shows in the morning instead of Sports Center. Yung Gravy. Lumpy Gravy. Wavy Gravy. Steve Garvey. The Savings & Loan Crisis. Three Mile Island. Chernobyl. Injuries to all the good pitchers. No one ever making a documentary about the Rally Room. Hangnails. The Salem witch trials. The Teapot Dome Scandal. The road construction between Woodbury and Hudson. The ‘90s swing revival. The dude from Staind becoming a country singer and somehow getting worse. Dallas stealing the North Stars. Hangovers. Loneliness. Nikola Jokic destroying your hopes and dreams despite looking and moving like a sock full of oatmeal. In conclusion, I just don’t like the New York Yankees. God does, though, and that just makes me madder. Image license here. View full article

Twins Daily investigates. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Victor For a team on an absolute heater with their ace on the mound, there was legit concern heading into Minnesota’s Thursday afternoon getaway game against Seattle. The Mariners were running out Logan Gilbert, and the only rested bullpen arms were the ones that got shellacked during Tuesday’s hideous 10-6 loss. It would be a heavy lift, even if Pablo López dominated. The Twins were up 8-1 after four innings. What gives? With the Twins on fire, the toast of the NBA playoffs across the street, MNUFC at the top of the table, and the godless Chicago White Sox damned for all time, it’s as good a spring as any in recent Minnesota sports history. The old heads in the crowd, NOT WITHOUT DECADES OF REASONS, are waiting for the other shoe to fall. Things can’t stay this good, Royce Lewis is still a ways from coming back, the Nuggets are the defending champions, the Loons’ best player finds new flights to miss every week, Maya Moore is retired. Just watch. You get your hopes up, you crash to the unforgiving (if rich) Minnesota topsoil. The vibes mislead. They're just too good, right? Right? To paraphrase Eli Cash, what these vibes presuppose is…maybe they aren’t? The vibes are correct. Baseball players are some of the weirdest, most superstitious dudes alive. That something as goofy as a rally sausage bubbles (literally, at this point in its decay) to the surface during a peerless stretch of play is just, like, tremendous. It's a reminder that elite athletes are also just the biggest dorks. Rocco Baldelli's entire persona is that of the proud, frustrated parent who must wrangle his 26 idiot sons, all of whom are about to get kicked out of the hotel pool for horseplay. The vibes are correct, because a team like that is fun as hell to watch, even when the team makes it tough to do so. The vibes are correct, because Anthony Edwards is Him, and His team plays defense like you made them mad, and Naz Reid. The vibes are correct because I saw two separate Loons fans smile when talking about the team. Two! The vibes will return to a lesser, sadder state. They have to. Midwestern suffering demands it. Vikings training camp looms. Wile E. Coyote will look down and see the canyon floor. But right now, we’re all here, together, defying gravity. The sausage is a shelf-stable food item. Maybe we can live forever. Float on. Image license here. View full article

The team is also working with DirecTV and WCCO to disable satellites, jam radio signals. Image courtesy of Flickr/Ken Lund The Minnesota Twins are on their longest winning streak since 2008. They have a goofy home run celebration. They’re back in town for a seven-game homestand. And thanks to a groundbreaking front office initiative, you’ll be able to harness the power of your imagination to enjoy the rest of the season. “The best way to experience Twins baseball is with the mind’s eye,” said a team spokesperson. “That’s why we’re closing Target Field to all spectators and media, effective immediately.” This break with the tradition of being able to watch a game with your eyes comes in the wake of Comcast removing Bally Sports North from their cable programming. “We agree that its unfair to Comcast subscribers that they can no longer watch their favorite team,” said the spokesperson. “Locking the Target Field gates levels the playing field for our fans.” In addition to preventing a live audience from viewing the games, the team is also working with other media providers like DirecTV (satellite) and WCCO (radio) to cease coverage of the team. “We were looking over the books and it turns out the Pohlads (the family who owns the Minnesota Twins) have their own defense contractor,” said the spokesperson. “Apparently, the same technology that turns family farms into Dollar Generals can also be used to knock out relay towers. It gives us some much-needed leverage.” “I thought that sounded like blackmail,” said a WCCO employee of the tactic. “But they said it’s not blackmail if you’re rich.” The team says they hope this unorthodox curation of the in-stadium and at-home experience encourages fans to reassess how they consume media. “Everyone knows too much screen time is bad for you,” said the spokesperson. “And if you’re at Target Field, you’re not home with your family, which encourages things like drug use and wokeness.” As for how fans can follow the team going forward, the spokesperson said, “The oral tradition predates the printing press. Stories will travel from person to person, strengthening the bonds of family and enriching our neighborhoods. If you want to know if Austin Martin is getting called up, put down your phone and ask someone.” Although closing Target Field will have a decidedly negative impact on the team’s finances, one source close to the front office said the team is prepared. “Here’s the deal: People like baseball, but they love generational wealth,” said the source. “The lack of fans in the stands means we’ll have to shed payroll in the offseason. There might be some ruffled feathers in the fan base, but at the end of the day, the majority just want to know if the Pohlads are going to be alright. And they will be once we get that payroll down to a more manageable $40-50 million. That kind of flexibility is more valuable than any championship.” Image license here. View full article