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‘It’s on the appetizer menu, but it eats like a full meal.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonathan Cosen Baseball’s Winter Meetings convene in Dallas on Monday, but many media members are getting there ahead of time to network, chat up sources, and talk shop with their peers. And in the case of Todd Daniels, it’s time to get some hotel bar nachos. “Obviously, media budgets are tight nowadays, so you kinda have to apply those ‘Moneyball’ principles to your dinner order,” said Daniels, who covers the Guardians for the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “And hotel bars have a captive audience, so their prices are already up there. Twenty-six bucks for a smashburger? They just replaced my editor with ChatGPT. Not a chance.” Instead, Daniels recreates a full meal in the aggregate by looking to the appetizer section. “Nachos. Chips, veggies, dairy, protein. A variety of sauces. It’s on the appetizer menu, but it eats like a full meal. It’s practically a buffet line on a plate. Always cheaper than the burger. Always a bigger portion than the chicken sandwich or ‘elevated pub fare,’ whatever that is.” Daniels insists that the quality of the meal is thoroughly adequate. “It’s never going to be great, but it’s never going to be terrible. And there will be leftovers. You bring those back to your room and you have brunch the next day. That’s money you can spend on three, four, five domestic lagers, two IPAs, or a double bourbon rocks with middle-shelf hooch. Middle shelf!” When asked if happy hour specials impacted his decision-making, Daniels scoffed. “You have to remember, happy hours often conflict with our working hours,” said Daniels. “We talk about them like they’re ghosts. Some think they exist, but no one’s ever seen one. If $6 chicken nachos supreme were available between the hours of 2-4pm, I assure you, I would have housed them. “That said, late-night happy hours? That’s when you win on the margins, my friend. 2-for-1 Coors Lights and mini corn dogs can get you through a weekend.” Daniels said that when a retired columnist mentions their expense accounts in the 1970s and 1980s, he has one reaction. “I reconsider every life decision that led me to this job.” View full article

This sale on exclusive items like the Dave St. Peter bobblehead runs through Cyber Monday. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Xiaolong Wong If you’re looking for just the right gift for the Twins fan in your life this season, the team’s Black Friday sale helps you do so without busting your budget! Here are just a few items marked down for the savvy shopper: Dave St. Peter Authentic Bobblehead. This commemorative bobblehead celebrates the outgoing Twins President in a classic Twins pullover and khakis. In addition, the purchase entitles you to four credits towards your education at the University of North Dakota. An entire warehouse of Bally Sports North polo shirts. With BSN rebranding to FanDuel Sports Network, these lightweight, moisture-wicking shirts in navy and powder blue are priced to move. Adventurous fans should visit the “Gameworn Laudners” section of the sale. Is that ketchup or blood? What're you, a cop? Anthony DeSclafani. I guess you can just buy him? I don’t think this is legal, but he’s $99.99 before tax and shipping. Definitely a fixer-upper. Best of Gleeman and the Geek Welcomes. The long-running independent Twins podcast shares its first collaboration with the team, a collection of over 300 of John “Twins Geek” Bonnes’s introductory “Aaaaaand welcome”s on CD and cassette. Each CD/cassette comes with a bonus soy sauce packet from co-host Aaron Gleeman’s personal collection of takeout accoutrements. A paper ticket from the September 9, 2024 game versus the Los Angeles Angels. A day that will go down in Target Field lore, not so much for the contest itself (the Angels won 6-2), but for the only instance of someone using a paper ticket instead of their phone to gain entry in 2024. This ticket also includes the Mapquest directions the user printed out to get from Green Isle to Minneapolis, along with a brief oral history from the ushers and fans who witnessed it. Rocco Baldelli Insult Generator. This handheld device delivers over 20 unique insults related to the Twins manager, voiced by Baldelli himself. Just press the red button to hear choice online invective like “Way to go, Rockhead” or “Sucko BalDummy” from the horse’s mouth. Attaches to most Honda Fit keychains. Ron Coomer’s House of Mystery. The former Twins player and broadcaster may have moved on to the Chicago Cubs media beat, but his legacy lives on in this escape room concept, located in a haunted Robbinsdale triplex. Can you and your friends solve all the baseball-themed clues to escape before time runs out? Will you offer cigarettes to Jackpot, the drifter who’s been crashing there since 2015? Is that a raccoon? Image license here. View full article

‘The Rule 5 Draft is fine and all, but there are some real gems in the 6.’ Image courtesy of Public Domain No franchise is more aware of the benefits of the Rule 5 Draft than the Minnesota Twins. Plucking Johan Santana from Houston’s Class A affiliate in 1999 is one of the savviest moves in recent MLB history. This year, though, the Twins are training their focus on the more obscure Rule 6 Draft, where they’ve already acquired a 1988 Toyota Celica. “This thing’s a real beauty,” said a front office source. “Less than 200,000 miles, small crack in the windshield, brakes are a little squeaky, but it’ll get you where you want to go. We love the veteran presence and durability it brings to the organization. “The Rule 5 Draft is fine and all, but there are some absolute gems in the 6.” The Rule 5 Draft allows teams with open 40-man roster spots to select unprotected players from other teams. The much more obscure Rule 6 Draft lets teams acquire anything left in the parking lots of MLB stadiums after the final home game of their season. The Celica was parked in the Coors Field employee lot in Denver. “One of our scouts was there at the trade deadline and was super impressed (by the car),” said the source. “He got the Blue Book out, did some due diligence, and it's been on our radar since.” The source said they’re hoping the Celica can be used to transport players to and from the airport for call-ups, injury recovery, and other essential baseball activities. Other notable Rule 6 acquisitions by the Twins include a severely dented but otherwise operational dorm fridge from Chicago's Wrigley Field media lot in 2017, and New Prague hobby farmer Junior Ortiz in 1990. Ortiz mistook the Metrodome parking lot for a Frattallone’s Ace Hardware and would go on to be the backup catcher on Minnesota's 1991 World Champions. View full article

'In these tough economic times, a $3,000 pan of brownies will help us stay competitive.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Pam Menegakis The Minnesota Twins are in a bind. They are in the process of being sold. The front office is in a state of flux. They have a payroll restriction of $130 million, and a roster that’s going to make more than that. How can you navigate this uncertainty, bridge the financial gap, and make improvements to the roster? Cookies. “These are two dozen monster cookies, baked by Trevor Larnach himself,” said outgoing team president Dave St. Peter. “And they can be yours for $10,000.” While the price might strike some as outlandish, the cause is one that the team is hoping loyal fans will support. “Every dollar of profit from what we’re calling the Twins Territory Bake Sale goes towards helping us meet payroll in these unprecedented economic times,” said a front office source. “Once the ingredients are paid for and the Pohlads receive their standard 75% cut, the money keeps the roster intact with an eye towards the future. “Kent Hrbek is making him mom’s old icebox cookies recipe. Pablo López is making scotcheroos. Have you ever wanted to spend $15,000 on a pan of Rice Krispy bars from three-time All-Star Glen Perkins? There’s never been a better time, my friend.” When asked why the Pohlads wouldn’t use a fraction of their unimaginable wealth to make up the payroll difference, the source said he would be hunted for sport by deranged billionaires on the Pohlad family’s private island if he answered the question honestly. The Twins Territory Bake Sale runs through Dec. 15. Details can be found on the team’s website. This is the team’s first food-based fundraiser since Lew Ford’s 2004 Deep Fried Turkey Challenge, which supported the fight against adult eczema. Officials say most of the lawsuits have been settled and only one of the fires remains active. Image license here. View full article

Fearsome man/beast hybrid to split time between mayoral, Twins duties Image courtesy of Flickr/Joe Bielawa In a stunning result on Tuesday night, Twins mascot TC Bear was elected mayor of Owatonna, Minn. “I’m grateful to the people of Owatonna for putting their trust in me,” said Bear. “I look forward to rolling up my sleeves and getting to work.” The unnerving man/beast hybrid ran as an independent and promised to “improve our roads and schools and absolutely smoke your dumb kids in home run contests, anytime, anywhere.” The accident of God and nature received 78% of the vote. Owatonna residents we spoke with say they are excited about the new leadership. “Hell yeah I voted for him,” said Owen Brady, 56, a lifelong resident of the town of 26,000. “You maybe get one chance in a lifetime to vote for a dude in a bear costume who has his own t-shirt cannon. He shares my values.” “I was at Target Field a few summers ago and TC just put a beating on [93X Morning Show shock jock] Dana Wessel in the home run contest,” said Megan Yang, 32. “He’d do a little dance, launch another bomb, and taunt Wessel over and over. It was humiliating. I can’t wait to see what he does for our city and its out-of-control disc jockeys.” Minnesota political experts say that while it’s unusual for a fake bear with blank, lifeless eyes to become mayor, unconventional candidates have succeeded in our state before. “We had a pro wrestler become governor,” said David Schultz, a professor of political science at Hamline University. “There’s a resort town up north where there’s a dog mayor. I will say, though, that this is the first time a godless beast, red in tooth and paw, has ascended to the mayor’s office. I fear him like I fear death.” Bear says his first act as mayor will be to work with the Chamber of Commerce on attracting new businesses to the city, followed closely by finding and hunting heretics. “There will be no mercy,” he said. View full article

'I was more animal than man...it's something I deal with every day.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Jonathan Cosen The 2024 World Series ended Wednesday, with the Los Angeles Dodgers taking Game 5 from the New York Yankees, 7-6. While the Bronx Bombers were clearly outplayed, they managed to provide the Series’s most infamous moment, when a pair of Yankees fans attempted to remove a foul ball from Mookie Betts’s glove in Game 4. “That could’ve been me,” said Neil Matthewson, 58, a Twins season ticket holder. “It’s embarrassing, but it’s true.” The Chaska native told Twins Daily that he’s had some less-than-admirable moments in his seats along the right field line at Target Field. “We were in a real tense game against the Blue Jays a couple years ago, and Teoscar Hernández lost a ball in the sun,” said Matthewson. “I said, ‘Nice catch…not,’ under my breath, but I’m pretty sure the usher heard me. She kinda laughed, but I’m not proud of it.” Matthewson said this was not the first time he went “beast mode” at the park. “When Aaron Bummer was with the White Sox, he walked the bases loaded and got pulled,” said the advertising executive. “I stood up and clapped for him, but it was pretty clear that I was being sarcastic. There were some kids in the area, so I made sure to apologize to them and their parents.” He said that he doesn’t know where this darkness comes from, and that while he doesn’t condone the behavior of the Yankees fans in Game 4, he understands it. “I just really am passionate about the Minnesota Twins, like they are for New York, and we want them to succeed,” said Matthewson. “But sometimes it can go overboard. For example, I was behind a car with a Guardians bumper sticker on 212 the other day that changed lanes without signaling. I leaned on my horn pretty good, even though it didn’t bother me any. Not a great moment for ol’ Neil.” Matthewson’s friends and family confirm that he’s almost always easygoing and non-confrontational, but that sometimes “the animal” comes out when the Twins are involved. “When Houston eliminated the Twins from the playoffs last year, Dad took it hard,” said his son, Parker. “He actually stood up after the last out, put both hands on the railing in front of him, lowered his head, and said, and I quote, ‘Dammit.’ “He said he was sorry the entire drive home and asked if the Twins might take his season tickets away.” Image license here. View full article

‘I’ve been a lifelong fan of both teams, no cap. Can’t wait for Game 1,” he said, adjusting his Duke Blue Devils hat. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Nima Sarram A New York-Los Angeles World Series may cause a collective groan for baseball fans in flyover country, but for Beckett Kelly, it’s a dream come true. Kelly, a 24-year-old senior at St. Thomas and a Stillwater native, spoke with Twins Daily about being one of the few local fans looking forward to seeing the high-payroll, high-visibility showdown. I can’t help but notice you’re wearing a CeeDee Lamb jersey…you’re not a Vikings fan? Were you born there? Lived in Minny my whole life, bro, but I’ve been a Cowboys fan from the jump. We’re America’s team, baby! I see. But you do like the Twins, I assume. I barely watch baseball. When I do, it’s when my Yanks are playing or the Dodgers are on West Coast time. You don’t like the Twins, and you don’t watch much baseball, but you’re on tilt for the Fall Classic? What’s that? The Fall Classic. The World Series. Oh, you should have just said that, brother. Fall Classic is what happens after too many shots at Plum’s. Boom, classic fall, get that guy an Uber! Do you know anyone on either team? Aaron Judge. Shohei Ohtani. Derek Jeter, The Captain. Jeter’s been retired for years now. Really? Damn. Missed that. Love The Captain. Gotta figure that makes the Dodgers the favorites. I see. Just because I’m curious, what other teams are you a fan of? My Duke Blue Devils, the Los Angeles Lakers, love the Crimson Tide in college football. Cowboys fan like I said, but damn I love Tom Brady. Played hockey growing up in ‘sota, so you best believe I’m a massive New York Rangers fan. Not the Wild? Nah, my first two stepmoms took me to a bunch of games when I was a kid, but I stopped going when my third stepmom got the season tickets in the divorce. OK, then. Any predictions? Like I said, gotta give the Dodgers the upper hand with Jeets out. The captain makes it happen. But he’s not out. He’s retired. Heard you the first time, bro, we’re all dealing with it. Not gonna let it distract me, been a fan of these teams my whole life, no cap. Can’t wait for Game 1. Image license here. View full article

Having self-respect and dignity is important. Yes, even online. Image courtesy of Flickr/jpellgen There have been many words written in the last week about the stunning announcement that the Twins were for sale. Most of them have been reasonable, clear-eyed assessments of the Pohlad family’s stewardship of the local franchise, warts and all, and what the future might hold. However. You can find, on God’s own internet, people debasing themselves in the service of the current owners. These simple, hard-working banker’s sons aren’t so bad, you see. Last year’s embarrassing payroll cut was just pragmatic. The attempt to contract the team a couple decades back is just water under the bridge, like when your mom made dad sleep in the garage for a few months after that one work trip during the Clinton presidency. And you never know, this next owner might be way worse than the so-called cheap Pohlads… First of all, no. Just no to all of this. The Pohlads pay people very well to do their marketing and PR for them. Whether you’re writing this for a media outlet or on your Tumblr page for the 17 remaining perverts on Tumblr, they don’t need your help, and you will not be rewarded with a seat at the table for it. Have some dignity, son! The payroll cut is one of the rare times when observers noted something and forecasted the likely outcome of it, and then it unfolded exactly that way. There’s no (valid) counterintuitive way to approach it! What if they spent that $30-$45 million on bad players with worse contracts? WHO CARES, is what. Reopen the schools. And oh my god, yes, we know, the next owner might be a real piece of crap. Thank you for your wisdom, sensei. Do you have an MBA? Did they name the Wharton School after you? Are you Warren Buffett? Are you really Jimmy Buffett’s cousin? The next owner is almost guaranteed to be unpleasant! Dudes (and it is always dudes) with that much money tend to be jerks, because who’s going to tell them they can’t be? And how would a nice person accrue that much money in the first place? It's really impolite! The threat that the new guys might have a team of lawyers working in a boiler room sussing out how to break unbreakable leases is real, but the current ownership would have thrown the franchise down a well for a cashier's check not that long ago. That threat is always there, regardless of who's signing the paychecks, because shareholder value doesn't care about your feelings. The very best you can hope for is a Mark Cuban type who is occasionally good/non-annoying 30 to 35% of the time and ponies up for a competitive product, even if it impacts a sliver of a fraction of his unimaginable wealth. The way I figure, there are two kinds of people writing this slop: People who are agitating, writing in bad faith, or trying to maintain a working/professional relationship with the Pohlads. People who sincerely believe this to be true. For the former, whatever, man. Good luck. I hope they let you on the yacht someday. For the latter, I need you to understand that you will not see heaven. Image license here. View full article

The premium offering allows fans to welcome the Twins legend into their home. Image courtesy of Eric Enfermero The long-awaited resolution to the Minnesota Twins’ television drama arrived earlier this week, with Major League Baseball taking over the broadcast rights for the 2025 season. Included in this was the much-anticipated promise of a standalone streaming service, which is expected to offer three tiers: monthly, season-long, and a unique offering that allows fans to stream the games and host former Twins third baseman Gary Gaetti. “We wanted to make sure there were options for the entire fanbase,” said a source close to MLB’s streaming division. “A monthly tier allows fans to pay as they go, the season-long tier saves money in the long run, and the Gary Gaetti tier allows fans to provide room and board to one of the heroes of the 1987 World Champions.” Although no pricing is available, it’s expected to be in line with similar plans, with the Gaetti tier being a free upgrade to consumers who order the full-season plan during a promotional "pre-sale" window. “We like to think of this as a make-good for all the 2024 issues,” said the MLB source, referring to the team disappearing from local cable channels for most of the summer due to a carriage dispute. “You can stream almost every game, home or away, and spend time with The Rat (Gaetti’s nickname). He’ll bring his lifelong understanding of the game, a Ziploc bag of ranch-flavored sunflower seeds, and a battered thermos of hot black coffee to every subscriber’s living room.” Thursday’s announcement that the Pohlad family is exploring a sale of the franchise is not expected to impact this initiative. Gaetti was unavailable for comment, but a representative did say that the four-time Gold Glove winner prefers not to sleep on air mattresses and has a brutal cilantro & cumin allergy. “No taco or chili nights while Gary is there, it’s not pretty. It’s not pretty at all.” Image license here. View full article

When asked if a straight answer to the payroll question would be considered, the source laughed so hard he coughed up blood. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Money Knack Today marks the one-week anniversary of the Minnesota Twins’ official elimination from 2024 playoff contention. It also marks a turning point in ownership’s response to questions about the team’s 2025 payroll. “They’re going on offense,” said a source familiar with ownership’s thinking. “When Joe Pohlad gave those perfectly fine answers to (Aaron) Gleeman in The Athletic, it made everyone even madder for some reason. These commoners don’t understand that we don’t have to answer their questions, much less accurately. It’s disappointing.” This agitated response to Pohlad’s non-answer has caused the team to explore other avenues to avoid truthful answers. Per multiple sources, these are the options they’re considering: Remind everyone that they almost contracted the entire franchise 20+ years ago. “Fun little pastime you have here, would be a shame if something happened to it,” said the front office source. “Can’t complain about payroll if there isn’t one. Just something to think about before your next SELL THE TEAM post.” Buy The Athletic. “Everyone is still pretty mad that Gleeman kept asking follow-up questions to Joe,” said the source. “And if there’s one thing the Pohlads know how to do, it’s how to buy a media organization and make it go away. They spent $28 million on Go96 and sold it to a church. Here’s a follow-up question for Aaron: Your boss Joe Pohlad wants to see you in his office. Bring your laptop and any other company equipment.” The art of distraction. “When a reporter brings up payroll, we point out the window and say, ‘Look at that,’” said the source. “The reporter looks, sees nothing, turns back, and we’re not there anymore. Stealth, baby.” Words that mean nothing. “We’re going to a webinar next week about business jargon,” said the source. “If we can get all our guys to say ‘circle back,’ ‘pencil out,’ ‘core competencies,’ ‘mindful right-size,’ ‘headcount efficacy,’ and ‘managed spend,’ the media won’t know what hit them. Drop a ‘nimble’ or ‘macro topline’ on them and they’ll just go work at Starbucks. We're gonna thread the needle here.” An army of sycophants. “Go online for five minutes,” said the source. “People will go out of their way to praise billionaires who are clearly dumber than a bag of hair. The Pohlads have even more money than them! We just have to say that the media is being unfair, and these bozos will start talking about how good our trade deadline was." When asked if a straight answer to the payroll question would be considered, the source laughed so hard he coughed up blood. Our reporter turned away to call 911, and when they looked back, the interviewee was gone. Image license here. View full article

With the employee discount and manufacturer’s rebate, the total outlay for this fiscally responsible celebration is $10.99. Image courtesy of ABInbev With the season in the balance, the Minnesota Twins are hoping to avert an all-time collapse and slip back into one of the final two Wild Card slots this weekend. And while no one wants to jinx anything, team officials need to make sure the team has something to celebrate with if they clinch. Just not champagne. “Have you priced out champagne lately?” asked a front office source. “It’s nuts! We can’t cut payroll and then go out and spend $200, $300 on bubbly that might not even get used. Thank goodness for Laramie.” The Laramie in question is intern Laramie Dotson, 22, of Ham Lake. In addition to his summer internship with the franchise, he works weekends at Liquor Boy in St. Louis Park. “That warm case of Busch Light Draft in the trunk of Laramie’s mom’s Honda Civic is ready when our boys right the ship and return to the American League playoffs,” said the source. With Laramie’s employee discount and the manufacturer’s rebate, the total outlay for this fiscally responsible celebration is $10.99. “We told him to submit an expense report, but between you and me, we have a way to comp him without all this paperwork,” said the source. “And it all starts in the toilet.” “You wouldn’t believe how much pocket change ends up in the men’s urinals,” said a source close to Target Field’s custodial division. “Obviously, paper money goes to the Pohlad family. But all those urine-drenched pennies add up, too.” When asked if they would put the beers on ice, the source responded with a laugh. “Ice? Whatever you say, Rockefeller. We’re not made of money.” The source went on to note that while the Pohlads have a cottage in Switzerland made from gold bars, it’s not technically currency--just like this immensely talented Twins team is not technically good. View full article

"Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits." Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alina Kacharho NASSAU--With a battered team struggling to regain its mojo and a fanbase in full panic mode, it’s fair to assume that Twins ownership might be stressed, too. You’d assume wrong. “This is, frankly, the best season we’ve had in years,” said a source close to the Pohlads, speaking from the family's weekday yacht just off the coast of the Bahamas. “It’s a bottom-line business, and our bottom line is terrific. We’re in the black and that matters a heck of a lot more than any pennant race. Real fans get that.” The Pohlads have owned the Twins for four decades, and in that time, fans have seen two World Series titles and only tried to contract the team out of existence once. “We right-sized our business in the offseason and are reaping the benefits every day,” said the source. “Playoffs are fine if you’re just a casual fan, but the diehards? They know that solvency is the real championship.” The Twins' month-long skid has dragged them down into a tie with the surging Detroit Tigers, thanks to a lethal combination of injuries, an overworked bullpen, and an ineffective offense. The source was asked if people are overreacting to the current situation. “I understand that their tiny, working-class brains might not fathom it, and that’s OK. They spend all day in a factory doing whatever people do inside of them, then they go home to their hovels and vent. If they had tried harder in school, they’d have a better grasp of the nuances.” When asked if this might be a case of the Pohlads being out of touch, the source scoffed. “The little people, the rabble, are some of our best sources of income. The ownership group loves them and pays many of them a competitive wage for lawn and pool maintenance. Would it be nice if they showed a little more gratitude to their betters? Of course.” The source also reiterated that the team hopes to keep their streak of financial prudence going in the offseason. “Frankly, if they don’t make the playoffs, that’s less money spent on travel and keeping Target Field open. Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits.” View full article