Twins Hold Bake Sale to Make Payroll

The Minnesota Twins are in a bind.

They are in the process of being sold. The front office is in a state of flux. They have a payroll restriction of $130 million, and a roster that’s going to make more than that. How can you navigate this uncertainty, bridge the financial gap, and make improvements to the roster?

Cookies.

“These are two dozen monster cookies, baked by Trevor Larnach himself,” said outgoing team president Dave St. Peter. “And they can be yours for $10,000.”

While the price might strike some as outlandish, the cause is one that the team is hoping loyal fans will support.

“Every dollar of profit from what we’re calling the Twins Territory Bake Sale goes towards helping us meet payroll in these unprecedented economic times,” said a front office source. “Once the ingredients are paid for and the Pohlads receive their standard 75% cut, the money keeps the roster intact with an eye towards the future.

“Kent Hrbek is making him mom’s old icebox cookies recipe. Pablo López is making scotcheroos. Have you ever wanted to spend $15,000 on a pan of Rice Krispy bars from three-time All-Star Glen Perkins? There’s never been a better time, my friend.”

When asked why the Pohlads wouldn’t use a fraction of their unimaginable wealth to make up the payroll difference, the source said he would be hunted for sport by deranged billionaires on the Pohlad family’s private island if he answered the question honestly.

The Twins Territory Bake Sale runs through Dec. 15. Details can be found on the team’s website.

This is the team’s first food-based fundraiser since Lew Ford’s 2004 Deep Fried Turkey Challenge, which supported the fight against adult eczema. Officials say most of the lawsuits have been settled and only one of the fires remains active.

Image license here.