RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Missvain/Creative Commons Phil Miller noticed right away. “I dunked a chicken strip in the ranch, expecting some of the dip to adhere to the strip,” said the Minnesota Star-Tribune Twins beat writer. “It simply ran right off. It barely even wetted the strip.” Was this a sub-standard batch of ranch? A new catering company experiencing first-gig jitters? Operator error by a seasoned journalist having an off night at the press box feedbag? As it turns out, it was simply a cost-cutting measure by ownership, as noted by team officials in a raucous Thursday press conference. “Yes, we’ve watered down the press box ranch, per direction from ownership,” said Eli Adams, the team’s Director of Food Services & Dining, shouting to be heard over a ringing chorus of boos from the assembled media. “There is still ample flavor and viscosity for those willing to adjust their expectations.” Multiple sources confirmed the decision to alter the savory dipping favorite had nothing to do with flavor and everything to do with the bottom line. “Once attendance dipped in April, we got word to start adding water to the ranch trough,” said a source with knowledge of the Target Field prep kitchen. “I was told it was necessary to keep the team financially flexible.” The press box traditionally has moderately-priced food offerings available to the journalists covering that day’s game. While it’s occasionally the source of playful griping between the team and the writers, no one was laughing on Thursday. “You may find you need to dredge your protein choice in the dip 3-5 times, rather than the standard one-and-done,” said Adams at the presser. “I would remind everyone here that it sticks much better to the carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in the veggie platter.” “Judas! Judas!” responded The Athletic’s Dan Hayes. “We go through roughly 3-5 troughs of press box ranch dressing in an average series,” said the prep kitchen source. “We’ll sometimes exceed that when the opponent is from another ranch-forward town, like Chicago or Milwaukee. “We’re only on our second trough of 2025. The savings are not insignificant.” While the money saved may help the team down the road, those dealing with the here and now are left to pick up the pieces. “If they bastardized the honey mustard or barbecue sauce, it would have barely sent a ripple,” said Miller. “But to dilute the ranch, the inarguable ace of the dipping staff, is another matter entirely. The garden-fresh tang and savory creaminess are simply absent. An atrocity.” “I’ve been a vocal critic of how the Pohlads have handled payroll issues the last two seasons, but this time it’s personal,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I don't even like ranch, but what if this had been sweet-and-sour sauce? What then? What then? "I've never been more angry." Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Library of Congress/Public Domain Zebadiah ‘Zeb” Grundy is an old-timey gold rush prospector from the American Old West. He took some time yesterday to answer your questions about Twins baseball. Answers have been edited for clarity and to remove cultural references that would be considered “almost supernaturally racist” to modern sensibilities. Q: What is the deal with the Twins’ pitching staff’s fielding troubles? Have you ever seen anything like this? –Owen S., Maplewood A: GOOOOLLLLLLLD! It’s gold, I tells ya! This is my ticket to the sweet life! No more consarned hardtack and beans, it’ll be steaks and whiskey for me from now on. Just me, my lady, and my horse, watchin’ the sun set from our outdoor washtub. The sample size is small, which just exacerbates the issue, but it seems unlikely that they’ll continue making so many unforced errors. It’s astonishing. Q: Do you think Royce Lewis will be an offensive force when he returns to the lineup, or will his late-season struggles from 2024 continue? –John B., Minneapolis A: WRASSLE-FRASSLE! FOOL’S GOLD! I tells ya, there’s nothin’ that breaks my heart more. Ya spends yer day panning by the riverbank, ya thinks ya strikes it rich, and then it’s nothin’ but a mirage. I’ll be wearin’ a barrel in the poorhouse the rest of me days! I think you have to wait and see with Royce. That was the first actual slump of his career. Plus he’s missed so much of this season already. I’d love to think he’ll be an immediate difference-maker, but I just don’t know. I do know that’s one less Quadruple-A guy in the starting lineup every day, which by itself is an improvement. Q: Do you think Rocco Baldelli’s job is in jeopardy? –Brea B., Chaska A: YEEEEHAWWWWWWW! GOLD! IT’S THE MOTHERLODE! I’M RICH! See you all in the funny pages, I’m on the first train to San Francisco! The screenwriter William Goldman once wrote, “Nobody knows anything.” Which is true. But I do know that if they continue to struggle against opponents who aren’t the White Sox or Angels, someone’s getting the hook. And the owners never fire themselves. Q: Gut instinct: Does this team have the talent to turn things around? –Nick T., Eagan A: NOOOOOOOOOOO! ANOTHER BUST! I’M DEAD BROKE! My last pair of dungarees is in tatters. Got no place to lay m'head. Soon I’ll be just another tommyknocker haunting those fool enough to follow in me cursed footsteps. The pitching seems solid, but this lineup is mostly underperforming or hurt. Maybe if they get healthy in a hurry, it’ll happen. But (Matt) Wallner and (Luke) Keaschall are a month or two away, Lewis and Castro still aren’t back, and, well, it gets late early. View full article

‘Should bring a coat or sweater,’ advised the Hall of Famer. Image courtesy of © Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins continue their first homestand of the season this weekend against the Houston Astros. As they look to build some momentum after a rough 0-4 start, a former Twins great has some advice for fans coming to Target Field. “Gonna be a chilly one this weekend,” observed Joe Mauer, former Twins catcher and first-ballot Hall of Famer. “Bundle up!” With forecasted highs below the average for this time of year, the St. Paul native stressed the importance of layering. “You might think it’s warm in the sun, but you get in the shade and the wind picks up and then you’ve got a cough and a cold the next day,” said the 2009 American League MVP. “Should bring a coat or sweater.” While fans might be excited to wear their favorite Twins ballcap, Mauer said they should reconsider. “Mom would get so steamed when me and Jake (Mauer, Joe’s brother) would go outside and play catch without our stocking caps on in the spring,” said the six-time All-Star. “’You boys will catch your death,’ she’d say. Plenty of good Twins stocking caps at the store, and your mom will let you watch TV before bed, lol.” Mauer also recommended some warm beverages if you’re attending the game. Just not all of them. “I know they have coffee at the stadium but it always gets me antsy in the pantsy, so I stick to hot chocolate,” said the three-time Gold Glove recipient. “I know Justin [Morneau, Mauer’s former teammate and roommate] used to say people would put booze in their coffee up in Canada where he’s from. Can you even imagine that? I bet that’s not even legal here in the States. “Of course, now that you can get mary jane (slang for marijuana) at Target, who knows,” he mused. “Crazy world.” View full article

The U of M grad student/barista has a closet full of garb from half-forgotten Twins stars, role players, and busts. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Caleb Lucas Carter Benjamin can’t decide. “Lots of Twins fans would walk into a thrift store, see a red Ron Coomer Twins jersey for $12, and think it’s the best day of their life,” said the 24-year-old Minneapolis resident. “For me, it’s hell.” Benjamin, an insufferable hipster, added that Coomer jersey to an already substantial collection of off-the-beaten-path Twins garb. Now, the question is whether it gets worn to Target Field for next Thursday’s Opening Day tilt versus the Houston Astros. “The thing is, Coomer was actually pretty good on some super bad teams, and he still does broadcast work in Chicago,” said Benjamin. “It would be so much easier if he sucked or got arrested for swindling widows.” Fortunately for the U of M grad student/barista, his closet runneth over with forgotten Twins of yore. “Someone online, for some reason, was selling a Jaime Garcia shirsey,” said Benjamin, referring to the starting pitcher who hurled precisely one game for Minnesota between trades with St. Louis and the Yankees in 2017. “$7.99 for something priceless. I hadn’t felt that way since walking into the Woodbury Goodwill and seeing three medium Joe May t-shirts. I’m an XL, but I bought all three, anyway.” “My gameworn (Tsuyoshi) Nishioka home jersey is an elite choice. But the last time I wore it to a game, some other wiseass in the Hrbek’s bar had an away one. I didn’t even stay for the end, I just left. Sick of this.” Sources close to Benjamin say a Butch Huskey spring training jersey and a threadbare 1991 Twins World Series sweatshirt autographed by Steve Bedrosian and former Minnesota Timberwolves center Randy Breuer are also in the running for the team’s 2025 Target Field debut. For his part, Benjamin says the final decision will be based more on vibes than merit. “Some people wake up and choose violence. I wake up and choose Kevin Slowey's starter jacket. We'll see how the day plays out.” Image license here. View full article

‘You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/smallbox The Minnesota Twins’ relatively healthy spring training was marred earlier this week when infielder Royce Lewis strained a hamstring, knocking him out of the season opener (and likely a few more weeks beyond that). While it’s far from good news, team leaders say they are ready. “As a team that has been cursed by an absent, laughing god, you have to be able to pivot,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “Arguably our two best position players are constantly hurt due to the rigors of the game, the frailty of the human body, and horrible luck. And since we already platoon some other players to maximize favorable matchups, we’re moving forward with an IL platoon for [Lewis and center fielder Byron Buxton].” The manager confirmed earlier media reports that Lewis and his fellow frequent injury-haver would alternate time spent on the team’s injured list. Once Lewis is ready to return, Buxton will take his place with an as-yet-unspecified injury. “You know as well as I do that once Lewis gets the green light to return, a Cybertruck door will fly off and hit Buxton in the ribs,” said Baldelli. “We’re just getting it on the schedule and eliminating the middleman.” Baldelli laughed when asked what he’d do if both players were healthy at the same time. “What would I do if Superman was real,” he responded. “What would I do if pizza didn’t have calories? What would I do if (The Athletic’s Dan) Hayes would just admit that Brock Purdy will never lead a team to a Super Bowl win? We’re dealing with possibilities so far from our lived experience that I reject the premise.” Minnesota opens the season against former Twin Sonny Gray and the St. Louis Cardinals on Thursday, March 27th. Image license here. View full article

The home opener is Thurs., Apr. 4, at 3:10 PM. How are you lying to your boss to attend? Image courtesy of Flickr/Eric Kilby With less than three weeks left before the Minnesota Twins home opener, fans are already preparing. Travel plans, pregame bar meetups, jersey choices—the list goes on. But what are you going to tell your boss? Some reading this might have the luxury of taking a half or full day of paid time off, but many don’t. Now is the time to get your bald-faced lies down. As a wise man once said, “Desperation is a stinky cologne.” Don’t wait until noon on the 4th to develop a half-assed scratchy throat. Prepare your wild untruth now, so you can deliver it with confidence and conviction at the appropriate hour. Some advice: If you’re playing the sick relative card, make sure it’s NOT an immediate family member. People are going to remember that. Aunt Kathryn has the sciatica real bad and we’re holding a benefit dinner for her in the church basement. There, done and dusted. Make the “appointment” on your schedule mysterious enough that they don’t ask further questions. Could be a medical thing you don’t want to talk about. Could be for your kid. It’s none of their business, and they got yelled at about HIPAA by HR that one time. If you’re the one who’s going to be “sick,” start the “there’s a nasty new bug going around” chatter no later than Mar. 20. Water cooler, Slack, email, Teams—bring it up repeatedly. Your neighbor has had it for a week and isn’t getting any better, as far as your co-workers know. The nightmare scenario is flawlessly executing your fabrication, only to run into your boss at the game. Fortunately, the solution remains the same as it’s always been: Look them straight in the eye. Say, “You’re mistaken, I don’t know who that is, and I don’t know who you are.” Call for an usher to remove them from Target Field. Failing that, a new life in a new town with a new name worked for Jon Hamm in Mad Men, and that show won a bunch of awards. Believe in yourself. Image license here. View full article

‘Think about how cool a grand slam would be if (Matt) Wallner was riding a dragon around the bases.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/PJ Gal-Szabo With Opening Day less than three weeks away, the only way to view the Minnesota Twins in 2025 continues to be streaming the games on Twins.TV. While a marked improvement over last year’s debacle, this leaves traditional cable and satellite subscribers in the lurch, without much time to adjust. The lack of team control over this aspect makes the situation even more frustrating. Fortunately, sources in the league office say that they have an innovative solution that remains completely free to all Twins fans, regardless of age, media preference, or financial situation. “The limitless power of the human mind remains an incredible and affordable option for our fanbase,” said an MLB source with knowledge of the situation. “When you get a score update on your phone, you’re not tethered to the reality of a 7-hop Willi Castro bleeder that scored the go-ahead run. Maybe the single was a sharply struck piece of situational hitting. Maybe a majestic bald eagle picked the ball up off the ground and dropped it in left field, all while a children’s choir sang a patriotic hymn about Jesus and America. “For our fans 85 and older, there’s also AM radio.” Twins sources confirmed that, while they’re confident a resolution will be reached before Opening Day, they are encouraging fans to slip the surly bonds of terrestrial reality and embrace the might and frolic of the mind’s eye. “Joe Ryan throwing a two-hit shutout over seven innings is nice and all,” said a source in the team’s media relations department. “Joe Ryan throwing a two-hit shutout over seven innings while being caught by Fonzie from Happy Days? That’s a memory of a lifetime. Ayyyyyyy!” The Twins open the season on the road against the St. Louis Cardinals on Mar. 27. “Think about how cool a grand slam would be if (Matt) Waller was riding a dragon around the bases,” added the Twins source. “I’d like to see Comcast or DirecTV try that.” Image license here. View full article

Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is expected to land in the bullpen, but could pitch his way into the rotation. Image courtesy of Apple TV+ Press When Louie Varland changed his name to Louis Varland this spring, it was met with a couple polite chuckles and news stories. His latest first name, however, is causing a much bigger reaction, and more than a little confusion. The Minnesota native now goes by "Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller" Varland, and has asked media and his teammates to honor this request. “I don’t… I just don’t know what this is,” Twins manager Rocco Baldelli said. When asked about the reason for another name change, Varland preferred to keep the focus on the field. “At the end of the day, what I want you all to write about is Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland going out there and competing, throwing strikes, and giving the Twins the best chance to get back to the playoffs,” he said. “I hope I can be as entertaining for the fans as The Gorge, a new Apple TV movie starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller, is.” A front office source with knowledge of the situation said the sports agency that represents Varland has been offering their clients as spokespersons for various entertainment properties. “We’d heard that they might be used in web ads, things of that nature,” said the source. “I don’t think anyone expected a full name change.” For Minnesota’s TV and radio personnel, the sheer length of Varland’s new sobriquet presents challenges. “What the hell is this,” asked Dan Gladden, the color commentator on Twins radio broadcasts. “No. I won’t do it. No.” While his name might seem unique, Apple TV Presents The Gorge Starring Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller Varland is not the only person in camp operating under a new first name. The former David Festa, competing for the fifth spot in the team’s rotation, is repped by the same firm as Varland, and will toe the rubber as MTV’s Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant Festa going forward. “Huh,” said Baldelli. “Huh.” View full article

As the family prepares to sell the team, outreach to ragamuffins, urchins, and the shabby are expected throughout the preseason. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Viktor Ritsvall In what is looking likely to be the last spring training of the Pohlad family’s possession of the Twins, the longtime owners are hoping to make it a memorable one. “They want to give back to the community of fans that have supported them through thick and thin, especially the rabble and the little people,” said a source familiar with the Pohlads’ thinking. “That’s why they’re letting a poor throw out the first pitch of spring training.” Multiple sources indicate that the team is currently vetting prospects for the honor. Criteria are said to include: Are they filthy ragamuffins? Do they rent instead of own? Did they go to an Ivy or attend a lesser land-grand university? Have they ever hunted their fellow man for sport? Do they know not to look their betters in the eye? “It really shows the family's commitment to lifting up the wretches and unwashed for a moment, a moment for which these unwashed will no doubt be grateful,” said the source. “I can’t imagine the excitement for other laborers as they watch one of their own hurl the first pitch of the year, clad in a threadbare shirt and ‘blue jeans,’ I think they’re called?” This is said to only be the beginning of what the family is calling a “More for the Lessers Celebration.” Other initiatives in the spring-long program are unconfirmed, but rumored additions include: Let Your Vile Urchins Run the Bases. “We hope to let the bastards and guttersnipes take the field and run around the base paths,” said the source. “We’ll then set the field ablaze and salt the earth to make sure no one gets fleas or lice from the wastrels.” Free Hose Water. “All spring long, we hope to have one faucet hooked up with a simple garden hose behind the outfield wall, out of view of the good people,” said the source. “The unclean can use this for drinking and bathing as their hovels and rat-strewn tenements are unlikely to have that luxury.” 24/7 Apology Station. “Confession is good for the soul,” said the source. “Apologizing to your betters for your shabby appearance and siphoning our tax monies for public education, food shelves, and other catastrophes is always welcome. This will be located behind home plate.” Minnesota takes on Atlanta at the Lee Health Sports Complex at 12:05pm central time on Saturday. Image license here. View full article

Symptoms include shortness of breath, hopeless optimism, and persistent, underlying sadness. Image courtesy of Unsplash/Solen Feyissa Although it’s hardly a deluge, the pace of the Minnesota Twins’ offseason activity has picked up noticeably. And while this comes as a delight to a fanbase starving for news, local hospitals say that fans should be aware of the downside risks. “We’re advising every Twins fan to stay off the internet, limit their time listening to podcasts and sports talk, and engage with non-baseball activities,” said Katy O’Connor, a spokesperson for the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. This recommendation comes on the heels of three Twins fans being hospitalized with what O’Connor calls “Ty France Fever,” named after the former Seattle Mariners All-Star who signed a one-year deal with the Twins earlier this week. “When you’re a fan of a team that has done less than nothing for month after month after month, it’s common for you to overreact to the slightest bit of news,” said O’Connor. “That includes signing a first baseman who can’t field that you hope can start hitting again. If you find yourself writing 1,200 words in a chat room about France ‘finding his swing’ and being a potential team MVP, you need to go straight to the emergency room. You are in danger.” Symptoms of Ty France Fever include shortness of breath, hopeless optimism, and persistent underlying sadness. If left untreated, it could lead to bleeding on the brain and, in the worst-case scenario, starting your own podcast. “We had a similar situation develop in the year 2000, when the Twins signed Butch Huskey,” said O’Connor. “A desperate fanbase, conditioned by years of ineptitude and miserly spending, saw a free agent who was entirely cooked and said, ‘Hey, maybe we’ve got something here.’ They didn’t. They very much didn’t. So many people died.” All three patients are expected to survive and return to posting on Twins Daily in the next week. Image license here. View full article

'When you yell at us online, this is who you’re yelling at.' Image courtesy of Unsplash/Steve DiMatteo The Minnesota Twins finally ended their long, long period of offseason inactivity, signing relief pitcher Danny Coulombe and outfielder Harrison Bader on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. Although far from marquee acquisitions, they both fill necessary roles, as a lefty bullpen arm and fourth outfielder/Byron Buxton insurance, respectively. While there are rumors of other moves in the offing, the team’s immediate priority is getting apologies from the numerous critics of the organization and its lack of spending. “We’ve been taking a lot of flak from media know-it-alls, online trolls, and—to be honest—most of our friends and immediate family members,” said a front office source. “It’s one thing when [The Athletic’s] Aaron Gleeman says you’re blowing it, but when your 8-year-old daughter asks what it is you do all day, that stings. “Greta will have her screen time privileges restored when she apologizes to the Pohlad family.” A source familiar with the front office’s thinking also says that, in a move echoing the team’s off-season TwinsFest traveling caravan, the team will also be sending Coulombe and Bader to the front doors of the team’s most strident critics across the Upper Midwest. “The goal is to extract a ‘sorry’ from the most negative haters,” said the source. “When you yell at us online, this is who you’re yelling at. They’re millionaire athletes, but if you cut them, do they not bleed?” Despite the potential for a winter storm this weekend, the source says they hope to get both players to Grand Forks, Crookston, and Bemidji in the coming days. “We have names and addresses. We will be stopping by. If you have a Super Bowl party on Sunday, we hope you’ll invite us in for some crudites and buffalo chicken dip. It is the least you can do.” Those who receive visits will also be expected to send a written mea culpa to ownership. “Tyson [Wenner, a Crookston high schooler who called the team ‘bums’ in an Instagram story dated Dec. 3] will have his Twins.com account restored when he apologizes to the Pohlad family,” said the source. Representatives for both players declined to comment on this story. Image license here. View full article

‘We’ll pick up the tab next time.’ Image courtesy of Unsplash/Towfiqu Barbhuiya In what has become an ongoing storyline this offseason, the Minnesota Twins once again forgot their wallet at home after going out with friends, per multiple sources with knowledge of the incidents. Twins Daily has confirmed that this is at least the third time since the end of the 2024 season that the Twins have attended a gathering with other major-league teams and claimed they were unable to pay for their appetizer, dinner, and drinks. “We went out with them over the holidays at one of those high-end steakhouses where everything is dark wood and leather,” said the Cincinnati Reds. “It was us, the Mets, the Orioles, and the Twins. We’re all laughing, talking shop, having a good time, then the check comes. Minnesota starts rummaging around for their wallet and says they must have left it at the hotel. “That kinda thing happens, right? Mets covered it, Twins said they’d get them back down the line. The thing is, the Orioles took us aside afterward and said the same thing happened at the Winter Meetings.” Sources confirmed that the Twins also claimed to forget a method of payment at Green Point Seafood and Oyster Bar in Dallas on the first night of the 2024 Winter Meetings. “They ordered oysters on the half shell and caviar for the table,” said the Los Angeles Angels. “At the end of the night, our server comes around, and they get all frantic about not being able to find their billfold. The Dodgers picked the tab up, and Minnesota said they’d Venmo them as soon as they could get the app to work. “I ran into the Dodgers at the mall last week. They haven’t heard from (the Twins) since.” The most recent incident happened last week, at a happy hour in Fort Myers with the Boston Red Sox, who also hold Spring Training there. “They were sitting at the bar, and it sounded like they were planning some back-fields games,” said Avery Quintero, a bartender at The Boathouse Tiki Bar & Grill. “Our happy hour ends at 6 PM, but the Twins kept ordering rounds of margaritas and grouper bites. They start wrapping up around 7:30, I drop the check off, and their eyes get wide as saucers. They ask me if I’m sure about the total and I confirm that it’s right. They start fumbling around with their hands, look at the Red Sox, and say they’re crazy sorry but they must have left their wallet at home, and ApplePay doesn’t work on their new phone. Boston gives them a look, if you know what I mean, but they picked up the tab anyway. “The funny part is, the Twins got up to use the bathroom before they left, and I could see the wallet in their back pocket. It’s super messed-up.” In a statement released to the media on Thursday, the Twins said they’re “Totally good for it, we just gotta wait for a couple checks to clear.” Image license here. View full article

'A better name might be the Good Enough Canyon? It’s a hole in the ground. Congratulations, you drove the family 11 hours to visit a dry swimming pool.' Image courtesy of Flickr/Jeffrey Hayes The legendary Ichiro Suzuki was overwhelmingly elected to Baseball’s Hall of Fame on Tuesday, nabbing all but one of the 550 votes needed to make it a unanimous decision. The lone holdout, who remains anonymous, didn’t want to discuss their vote, but did respond to Twins Daily’s request for opinions on other universally beloved, respected, and acclaimed people, places, and things. We reprint those answers in full below. A refreshing glass of water. “Hydration was invented by the Stanley Corporation to make you buy those giant tumblers in an assortment of eye-catching hues. Do a modicum of research. Black coffee in styrofoam cup was good enough for your granddad, it's good enough for you.” The Grand Canyon. “A better name might be the Good Enough Canyon? It’s a hole in the ground. Congratulations, you drove the family 11 hours to visit a dry swimming pool.” Tom Hanks. "Hasn’t made anything worth watching since Bosom Buddies. Got the entire series on VHS, prove me wrong." Puppies. "Don’t care for ‘em." Baby kittens. "See above. Just not my jam, man." Pizza. "There are too many toppings nowadays. And at the end of the day, it’s just a big piece of bread with tomato sauce and cheese. It’s a warm lunchable. How's second grade going, slugger?" A full and restful night’s sleep. "While you’re sleeping, I’m creating content and forming some of the worst opinions you’ll ever read in your life. Enjoy naptime, kiddo." Beyonce. "Mostly I just wait for the Kidz Bop kids to improve on her frankly mid body of work. Those tots really brought out the pathos and yearning in Single Ladies." America’s National Parks. "No A/C, no B-Dubs, no way you’re getting me to go there. Get someone else to prevent forest fires, boss. Not my problem." The vastness of the ocean as you stand on the shore, awestruck by the expanse and beauty of the world and your tiny place in it, yet still hopeful that one person can make a difference. “I mean, it’s water. I can get water out of a tap.” Baseball’s Opening Day. “It means another six months ‘til I get to take a vacation. Why would anyone feel good about that? Also it’s usually too cold unless you’re in the Sun Belt, and it’s already too hot there. Need more domes.” Catching a home run ball and giving it to a wide-eyed child, a memory they will have forever. “Another extension of participation trophy culture. No thanks, chief. Maybe they should have positioned themselves to make a play on the ball. Now they’ll probably become a drug fiend.” Image license here. View full article