Twins Video
With less than three weeks left before the Minnesota Twins home opener, fans are already preparing. Travel plans, pregame bar meetups, jersey choices—the list goes on.
But what are you going to tell your boss?
Some reading this might have the luxury of taking a half or full day of paid time off, but many don’t. Now is the time to get your bald-faced lies down. As a wise man once said, “Desperation is a stinky cologne.” Don’t wait until noon on the 4th to develop a half-assed scratchy throat. Prepare your wild untruth now, so you can deliver it with confidence and conviction at the appropriate hour.
Some advice:
- If you’re playing the sick relative card, make sure it’s NOT an immediate family member. People are going to remember that. Aunt Kathryn has the sciatica real bad and we’re holding a benefit dinner for her in the church basement. There, done and dusted.
- Make the “appointment” on your schedule mysterious enough that they don’t ask further questions. Could be a medical thing you don’t want to talk about. Could be for your kid. It’s none of their business, and they got yelled at about HIPAA by HR that one time.
- If you’re the one who’s going to be “sick,” start the “there’s a nasty new bug going around” chatter no later than Mar. 20. Water cooler, Slack, email, Teams—bring it up repeatedly. Your neighbor has had it for a week and isn’t getting any better, as far as your co-workers know.
The nightmare scenario is flawlessly executing your fabrication, only to run into your boss at the game. Fortunately, the solution remains the same as it’s always been:
- Look them straight in the eye.
- Say, “You’re mistaken, I don’t know who that is, and I don’t know who you are.”
- Call for an usher to remove them from Target Field. Failing that, a new life in a new town with a new name worked for Jon Hamm in Mad Men, and that show won a bunch of awards. Believe in yourself.
Image license here.
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