Pohlads to Let a Poor Throw Out First Pitch

In what is looking likely to be the last spring training of the Pohlad family’s possession of the Twins, the longtime owners are hoping to make it a memorable one.

“They want to give back to the community of fans that have supported them through thick and thin, especially the rabble and the little people,” said a source familiar with the Pohlads’ thinking. “That’s why they’re letting a poor throw out the first pitch of spring training.”

Multiple sources indicate that the team is currently vetting prospects for the honor. Criteria are said to include:

• Are they filthy ragamuffins?
• Do they rent instead of own?
• Did they go to an Ivy or attend a lesser land-grand university?
• Have they ever hunted their fellow man for sport?
• Do they know not to look their betters in the eye?

“It really shows the family's commitment to lifting up the wretches and unwashed for a moment, a moment for which these unwashed will no doubt be grateful,” said the source. “I can’t imagine the excitement for other laborers as they watch one of their own hurl the first pitch of the year, clad in a threadbare shirt and ‘blue jeans,’ I think they’re called?”

This is said to only be the beginning of what the family is calling a “More for the Lessers Celebration.” Other initiatives in the spring-long program are unconfirmed, but rumored additions include:

• Let Your Vile Urchins Run the Bases. “We hope to let the bastards and guttersnipes take the field and run around the base paths,” said the source. “We’ll then set the field ablaze and salt the earth to make sure no one gets fleas or lice from the wastrels.”
• Free Hose Water. “All spring long, we hope to have one faucet hooked up with a simple garden hose behind the outfield wall, out of view of the good people,” said the source. “The unclean can use this for drinking and bathing as their hovels and rat-strewn tenements are unlikely to have that luxury.”
• 24/7 Apology Station. “Confession is good for the soul,” said the source. “Apologizing to your betters for your shabby appearance and siphoning our tax monies for public education, food shelves, and other catastrophes is always welcome. This will be located behind home plate.”

Minnesota takes on Atlanta at the Lee Health Sports Complex at 12:05pm central time on Saturday.

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