Three Hospitalized with Ty France Fever

Although it’s hardly a deluge, the pace of the Minnesota Twins’ offseason activity has picked up noticeably. And while this comes as a delight to a fanbase starving for news, local hospitals say that fans should be aware of the downside risks.

“We’re advising every Twins fan to stay off the internet, limit their time listening to podcasts and sports talk, and engage with non-baseball activities,” said Katy O’Connor, a spokesperson for the Mayo Clinic in Rochester.

This recommendation comes on the heels of three Twins fans being hospitalized with what O’Connor calls “Ty France Fever,” named after the former Seattle Mariners All-Star who signed a one-year deal with the Twins earlier this week.  

“When you’re a fan of a team that has done less than nothing for month after month after month, it’s common for you to overreact to the slightest bit of news,” said O’Connor. “That includes signing a first baseman who can’t field that you hope can start hitting again. If you find yourself writing 1,200 words in a chat room about France ‘finding his swing’ and being a potential team MVP, you need to go straight to the emergency room. You are in danger.”

Symptoms of Ty France Fever include shortness of breath, hopeless optimism, and persistent underlying sadness. If left untreated, it could lead to bleeding on the brain and, in the worst-case scenario, starting your own podcast.

“We had a similar situation develop in the year 2000, when the Twins signed Butch Huskey,” said O’Connor. “A desperate fanbase, conditioned by years of ineptitude and miserly spending, saw a free agent who was entirely cooked and said, ‘Hey, maybe we’ve got something here.’ They didn’t. They very much didn’t. So many people died.”

All three patients are expected to survive and return to posting on Twins Daily in the next week.

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