RandBalls Stu

Image courtesy of Kim Klement Neitzel-USA TODAY Sports The Minnesota Twins report to Fort Myers in less than a month. Derek Falvey has a plan. Twins Daily has confirmed that Falvey sent a third email to Tom Pohlad, the team’s executive chair, about acquiring funds for the team’s bullpen, which is still mostly barren after last year’s trade deadline fire sale. A source with knowledge of the team’s email server, who asked not to be identified, shared the message with Twins Daily. It reads as follows: The team is already behind the 8-ball for rebuilding the bullpen. Per The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman, 24 of the top 30 free agent relievers (by projected WAR) have already signed, including the top 13. “The first two emails were pretty detailed, with names of players, projected salaries, agent contact info, that kind of thing,” said the source. “I’m pretty sure they were deleted upon receipt.” There has been no word on what Falvey will do if this email also goes unanswered, but the source speculates that he might try a stamped letter, landline telephone, or a falconer named Bradford if the situation remains the same come February 1. “He’s a terrific falconer, can send notes, interoffice memos, cash, real solid dude,” said the source. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Ian D'Andrea Sources close to your dad have confirmed that the lifelong Minnesota Twins fan and current season ticket holder will spend most of the upcoming season calling free agent signing Orlando Arcia “Oswaldo.” Oswaldo Arcia, Orlando’s brother, played for the Twins from 2013-16. Even though your dad probably knows this, “the snowball is already rolling downhill,” per your mom. “Your father was skimming that (local chicken fried rice expert/journalist Aaron) Gleeman fellow’s Athletic column on his iPad and said, ‘Hey looks like we got Oswaldo back,’ or something to that effect. Your brother tried to correct him, but he already took his readers off to go see if the recycling truck had been here.” The younger Arcia, who was an All-Star in 2023 but has slumped mightily since, signed a minor-league deal and is in the mix for a team that is in desperate need of depth at shortstop. Oswaldo last played major league baseball in 2016. “I always liked Oswaldo,” your dad is reported to have said. “Wasn’t he one of The Piranhas? God those guys hustled.” Sources say that even when he finds out he’s mistaken, he’ll likely still use the incorrect brother’s name 75-80% of the time. “Remember when Teddy Bridgewater was the Vikings quarterback, and dad kept calling him Timmy,” your brother said. “We tried so hard to correct him, but then he’d just say ‘Sounds like Timmy’s having a great offseason’ before looking out the window to see if that car was still parked across the street.” Orlando played for both Atlanta and Colorado in 2024. After the Braves released him in June, the Rockies signed him and used him at multiple infield positions. “Wonder if ol’ Oswaldo has anything left in the tank,” speculated your dad, before pulling up another YouTube video about the interstate highway system. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Chris Lynch Adam Pietrich is what some would call an avid indoorsman. The Minneapolis native and Twins fan enjoys hunkering down for the winter in his one-bedroom apartment with his cat, Brad Radke. He orders a lot of take out, takes PTO from his IT gig from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Day, and generally does a whole lot of nothing beyond playing his Switch and binging various streaming series. And yet, this lazy man, wearing the same hoodie and pajama pants for a third consecutive day, logged more activity in the back half of December than the Minnesota Twins. “Went over to my Dad’s house for Christmas dinner, took Brad Radke to the vet, even went to Rosedale to exchange a gift,” said Pietrich, 31. “Those are the three times I left the house this week.” By contrast, news of the Twins signing Josh Bell broke on December 15th. Since then, it’s been radio silence from a team that does not have a bullpen as of press time. “I checked Twins Daily and the local papers and MLB.com to see if I missed anything over the holidays,” said the bachelor. “Crickets, brother. I respect their commitment to leisure, but even I would’ve signed someone to a minor-league deal just for appearances.” Pietrich’s family remains disappointed in him. “He was late for dinner and was wearing those damn PJ pants again,” said Charlie Pietrich, Adam’s father. “I understand he did more than the Twins, but would a shower and clean pair of khakis be too much to ask?” For his part, Pietrich said he had even more things planned over the holidays, but circumstances conspired to keep him from further activity. “I was going to get up and check my mailbox in the lobby today but my foot fell asleep, so I figured that was an errand for Tomorrow Adam,” said Pietrich. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Mike Mozart December 26th is known as Boxing Day in Great Britain, but in America, it’s when you exchange the duplicate gift or ill-fitting sweater you received for Christmas. And for at least one MLB franchise, it’s when you attempt an outside-the-box roster move that may very well be illegal and violate several human rights treaties. Per multiple sources with knowledge of the team’s thinking, Twins Executive Chair Tom Pohlad attempted to return Twins infielder/catcher Mickey Gasper at the St. Louis Park Costco on Friday morning. Pohlad was overheard saying, “Derek, this is Tom, do you still have the receipt for (Mickey) Gasper,” by multiple shoppers at the store’s customer service area. “They won’t take him back without a receipt. This is urgent, please call back as soon as possible.” Gasper was in fact acquired from the Boston Red Sox in December 2024 for pitcher Jovani Moran. Team sources say the decision to try Costco was due to their generous return policy for members. “Tom is an executive member and figured it was as good a plan as any to free up roster space and payroll,” said one front office source. “The fact that he had his driver take him to the worst parking lot in America on the day after Christmas? I think it reflects well on his commitment to making the 2026 Twins competitive, despite what naysayers may claim about Mickey Gasper’s human rights.” Costco customer service rep Lynn Moeller said she was very confused by the request. “Usually people bring in the actual item they’re returning,” said Moeller. “(Pohlad) showed me a baseball card and asked if we would take the man on the card back. He assured me that it was legal and totally normal in other countries where his family has country estates. I called my manager over.” A spokesperson for Costco declined to comment on the matter, but witnesses say the manager refused to honor the request even after Pohlad put a caller, assumed to be Falvey, on the line with them. “You could tell (Pohlad) wasn’t thrilled, but he seemed to accept the manager’s decision,” said one customer. “I guess this is, like, super illegal to do." Gasper remains on the Twins 40-man roster. His representatives say they are exploring their legal options but acknowledged that the St. Louis Park Costco parking lot is pretty bad. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of David Berding-USA TODAY Sports Not only did the Twins finally reveal their minority partners this week, they also announced that Tom Pohlad would assume the role of the ownership group’s Executive Chair, previously held by his younger brother, Joe. Beyond the Succession-esque family drama, this led many observers to ask two questions: There’s a Tom Pohlad? Just how many Pohlad brothers and sons are there? In the interest of public service and because it’s not like they’re going to give us a new free-agent signing to write about, Twins Daily did some shoe-leather reporting to suss out just how many Pohlads are out there. Here’s what we know, as of Friday, December 19th, 2025. CONFIRMED POHLADS Joe: Former Executive Chair, accidentally gave honest answer to Jason DeRusha. Tom: Current Executive Chair, has yet to give accidentally honest answer to Jason DeRusha. Bill: Hollywood producer and director. If your annoying hipster friend has a cult band or troubled musical genius they won’t shut up about, Bill has directed that biopic. Kind of looks like William H. Macy. Jim: Little is known about him. Feels like, with his wealth, he should go by either James (classy, elegant) or Jimmy (renegade bad boy, spends office hours at a bar that only takes cash). LIKELY POHLADS Bob: Wikipedia says he’s one of the three brothers who inherited the team from Carl and Eloise Pohlad. He’s listed on the Twins website. But no one can confirm with 100% certainty that he’s real. Percival Edgar: Sent to boarding school in London in 1968 and just never left. Fancies himself a real English dandy, given to wearing a pocketwatch and riding one of those tall bikes everywhere. Faints a lot. Tubercular. UNCONFIRMED POHLADS Li'l Mike: The hip-hop Pohlad. From the mean streets of Deephaven, Li'l Mike is allegedly releasing his debut single “Commercial Real Estate (Over-leveraged)” in February 2026. Has an MBA from Cornell. Tony: Quit Stanford in his junior year to get into improv comedy. Is not currently in will. Theo: Vampire with a kind heart. Connor: Aspiring Tik-Tok/Reels influencer. His most popular clip, “How to Know If Your Butler is Defiant,” has over 500 views. We will continue our exhaustive investigation, and update this post accordingly. But, you know, billionaires. If any of the unconfirmed Pohlads disappear from the list, assume they are very real and that we've been threatened with legal action. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Alpha Photo Despite the division-rival Chicago White Sox nabbing the top pick in the 2026 MLB Draft, most Twins fans (and the front office) were pleased to land at No. 3, behind only the (formerly) godless South Siders and Tampa Bay. There was a notable exception. “Winning the lottery is supposed to mean a boatload of money,” said a source close to the Pohlad family. “They are furious that baseball’s lottery means the exact opposite. They want some answers from the Commissioner’s Office, and they want them now.” The Twins most recently benefited from the draft lottery in 2023, when they leapt to the fifth pick and snagged Walker Jenkins, the organization’s top prospect. The source says the Pohlads dispute that characterization. “In 2024, they were able to fall from the 12th pick to the 16th pick. That’s four slots worth of savings," said the family friend. "Jumping up to five when you’re 13th? That means you have to sell one of your country estates—or your entire bullpen.” Twins president of baseball operations Derek Falvey and general manager Jeremy Zoll seemed pleased with the pick, telling The Athletic it was “a good outcome.” Behind the scenes, the Pohlads were fuming. “When a poor wins the lottery, they get money to buy their Big Gulps and Crocs,” said another source with knowledge of the Pohlads’ reaction. “Why don’t those same rules apply to their betters? The Pohlads will put that money right back into the community! “I should clarify that by ‘community,’ I mean the community of Pohlad family members, who will then deposit it in offshore tax havens where it can’t be touched by the government.” The 2026 MLB Draft takes place on July 12 and 13 in Philadelphia. Both sources say the team hopes that the prospect will accept vouchers at the Target Field Team Store in lieu of a signing bonus. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Steve Petrucelli FanGraphs pleasantly surprised some Twins fans recently, projecting the troubled squad to finish 82-80 in 2026, thanks to their (for now) sturdy rotation depth. Also surprising was an addendum to the projection, however, calling out Marcus Otto, a Twins season-ticket holder, for a litany of issues—including his in-game dietary choices. “Marcus Otto of Maplewood: You will regret your next order of helmet nachos,” it read. “Consider a healthier choice, or (at minimum) sharing the order with friends and family.” Otto was perplexed. “Why are they targeting me?” asked the 42-year-old IT professional. “Is this a common thing that FanGraphs does?” It isn’t. This appears to be the first time in the history of FanGraphs where they’ve dedicated a projection to a non-player. Representatives were unavailable for comment on the 1,300-word analysis, which departed from traditional stats, graphs, and metrics and drilled down instead on Otto’s gastrointestinal challenges and physical appearance. “You know what dairy does to your system, Marcus,” said one section entitled Pete Rose Was the Hit King. Marcus Otto Is the Fart King. “Think about the people sitting next to you. Think about how you’re just pouring yourself into those size-34 jeans. Just get a small popcorn and a water, for God’s sake.” Otto admits that he could eat better, but is dumbfounded why it’s the business of a sports analytics service. “I’ve been making better food choices,” said Otto. “Why is FanGraphs singling me out and being so mean about it?” In the section entitled This is Why Jennifer Left You, Marcus, the analysis gets into Otto’s personal life. “Do you think horfing down cheese-drenched nachos in public is a good look, Marcus?” asked FanGraphs. “What if you end up on the JumboTron, practically unhinging your jaw to cram more sour cream into your gaping maw? Jennifer is never coming back, Marcus.” The Jennifer in question is Jennifer Edwards, Otto’s longtime girlfriend, who ended their relationship in April of this year. She declined to be interviewed for this story. The tone of the piece implies that FanGraphs wants the best for Otto, but the level of insistence and intrusion by the hivemind appears to have stirred the UW-River Falls alumnus's defensiveness, rather than his drive for self-improvement. “How does FanGraphs know I had a girlfriend?” asked Otto. “How do they know we broke up? Why did they send a press release to every media outlet in the Twin Cities with this analysis and the title ‘What to Expect from Lonely Pervert and Nacho Enthusiast Marcus Otto in 2026?’ “It even had a postscript that gave my home address and said if they had any trouble finding it to just follow the closest Domino’s delivery driver. I don’t even order Domino’s that often. This is incredibly hurtful.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Duncan Cumming Every year, Twins Daily looks at the best Black Friday deals in the Minnesota Twins Company Store. These were graded the best by our panel of retail experts (RandBall’s Stu, John Bonnes, John Bonnes’s dog, and the ghost of Pa Ingalls). Trevor Larnach. For those baffled by Minnesota re-signing a lefty outfielder for a team loaded with them, the team seems to be admitting there was a mistake on their end. “We sort of don’t have any money and sort of maybe weren’t paying attention to all the paperwork,” said a front office source. “If you want to buy Larnach from us for what we paid, that’s super cool. Plus, he’s housebroken.” Derek Shelton’s Insulting Nickname: Origins. Maniac Twins fan Greggory T. Masterson is offering subscribers a behind-the-scenes look as he crafts a successor to Rockhead, his withering nickname for former Twins manager Rocco Baldelli. “Derek Shouldquit is my current favorite,” said the towering 7-footer. “But by no means is this contest over.” A Mystery Twin Cities Office Building. Inspired by holiday grab bags with unknown items inside, the Pohlad family is offering a surprise office building in the Twin Cities for the low price of $8 million (cash only). “If you ever wanted to own a constantly depreciating building with an absurdly high vacancy rate, there’s never been a better time,” per a family spokesperson. A Laminated List of Every Twins Pitcher from August 1, 2025 to the End of the Season. Win bar bets and fascinate other fans with your deep knowledge of who the hell even pitched for the Twins after the 2025 trade deadline. Did Steve Bedrosian throw an inning of relief, even though he has been retired for many, many years? The only way to know is to buy this attractive card, which fits in most billfolds, clutches, and men’s crossbody bags. Joe Ryan, Pablo López, and Bailey Ober Jerseys. “What do you mean, no other players jerseys are on sale,” asked a retail store employee. “These Byron Buxton jerseys are also discounted.” Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Nabil Molinari MLB Commission Rob Manfred noted this week that the Pohlad family’s sale of non-controlling shares of the Minnesota Twins to unnamed limited partners continues to move forward. Although there was no update about who the partners are or how long the sale process would play out, sources familiar with the negotiation process say the Pohlads are asking the limited partners how many Delta SkyMiles they have, as well as their access to the exclusive Delta Sky Lounge. “We really thought that by operating lean and keeping payroll in check, we’d be in a spot to get back to profitability,” said a front office source. “Unfortunately, this will be the third Thanksgiving in a row where the Pohlad grandchildren and great-grandchildren won’t be able to have a money fight on the front lawn of their Boca Raton winter house. The best way to make sure they don’t suffer such deprivation in 2026 is working smarter, not harder. That’s where Delta comes in.” “The jackboots in the league office say you still have to fly your players to road games even if they’re below replacement-level,” said a source in the team’s advanced metrics department. “That’s a lot of money for not a lot of ball player. The way you beat that is in the margins. The Dodgers and Yankees can pay for that stuff. We can have the limited partners drop the credit card benefits hammer and the next road trip is basically free. Especially if each player brings a Tupperware container to the lounge so they can load up on hummus and club sandwiches to go.” When asked if he thought about how this would impact the on-field product, the source started laughing so hard that his face turned crimson red before he began to cough and cry. Then he started laughing again, even louder, somehow. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of reddit r/coins Major League Baseball’s annual General Manager Meetings mark the kickoff of the hot stove season, when trade and acquisition rumors first start percolating before beginning in earnest at December’s Winter Meetings. The 2025 edition is this week in Las Vegas, and the Minnesota Twins came in with a plan. “We sent (Twins GM) Derek Falvey to Vegas with two things: An open mind and a Ziploc bag full of pennies,” said a source close to the Pohlad family, who’ve owned the Twins since 1982. While the former makes sense for a team that may be continuing a major roster teardown, why the pennies? “There are some great joints off-Strip or in north Vegas where the penny slots are loose as heck,” said the source. “If Derek wants a platoon outfielder or a bullpen arm, here’s one way of getting there.” The meetings themselves were held at The Cosmopolitan, right in the heart of the Las Vegas Strip. “Yeah, you’re not getting any bargain action at a place like that,” said the source. “That’s where the Dodgers stay. No thanks. Derek likes to get creative anyway.” Multiple media sources covering the meetings tell Twins Daily that Falvey was spotted lugging the coin bag into multiple off-strip locations, including a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell by Nellis Air Force Base, the Cowabunga Bay Waterslide Experience, and what local authorities and community leaders say is the deadliest strip mall in Henderson. At press time, there was no indication that Falvey had won big or that the Twins had made any roster moves. Still, the source was confident that it would pay off in the long run. “The Pohlads had their faithful manservants clean out all the coins from their fleet of Land Rovers and Bentleys,” said the source. “We didn’t even touch the Rolls (Royces) or Porsches. There are at least the beginnings of a utility infielder in there.” View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Andy Witchger When the Minnesota Twins introduced Derek Shelton as their new manager on Tuesday, all the questions centered around roster construction, coaching hires, and other baseball ephemera. In another case of the media failing to ask the truly tough questions, at no point did anyone ask, “Derek, are you also the lead singer of The National?” Allegedly, Matt Berninger is the vocalist for the New York-based alt-rock band. But the resemblance between Berninger and Shelton demands answers, one that only an independent outlet like Twins Daily is brave enough to uncover. Here’s what we know so far: They both have graying hair and full beards. They both wear chunky black glasses, which really heightens the resemblance. Shelton appears burlier than Berninger, but with the rise of Ozempic and other weight-loss drugs, that's hardly negative proof. Shelton has never denied being in The National. Berninger has never denied being the former bench coach for the Minnesota Twins. They both, when dressed in street clothes, look like they have opinions on bourbon, cologne, and red wine. Shelton is a baseball lifer. Berninger writes his songs on baseballs. The National is known for Berninger’s dark, enigmatic lyrics, which have earned them the tag of “Sad Dad” music. Derek Shelton managed the Pittsburgh Pirates, who have made Pennsylvania dads incredibly sad for the last few decades. This last connection (or lack thereof) is why I think there’s something to the story. The National is perhaps best known for collaborating with Taylor Swift. Shelton has never made his opinion on Taylor Swift publicly known, which frankly raises more questions than it answers. Even people who don’t listen to music have an opinion on Taylor Swift, usually about how seeing her during a football game makes them upset for some reason. What is he hiding? I have a pretty good idea. In conclusion, if you notice the National only touring from November (ok, October) through early February, or Shelton taking a leave of absence during the season for “a personal matter at an upstate New York recording studio,” you’re not alone. You're not crazy. You might just be seeing through the lies. Image license here. View full article

Image courtesy of Flickr/Chris Rycroft “Familiarity” was the buzzword as the Minnesota Twins narrowed the search for their next manager—not just with the team itself, but with the philosophy that ownership operates under. “Derek Shelton not only has experience with the team, but he also has experience with a team that’s completely starved for resources and a fan base that alternates between alienated and apathetic,” said a front office source. “He just gets it.” Shelton, Minnesota’s former bench coach and Pittsburgh’s manager from 2020-2025, will be the team’s next manager, they confirmed in a Thursday press release. “We don’t currently have what some of the advanced stat guys call ‘a bullpen,’” said the source. “Some of these new-school managers might demand we make some moves and improve our roster, at the expense of profitability. Shelton’s been beaten down for years. He knows better than to even ask.” Minnesota, which has drastically trimmed payroll since defeating current World Series favorite Toronto in the 2023 American League playoffs, is coming off a season wherein they also parted with 40% of their active roster at the trade deadline. Rumors abound that core starting pitchers Pablo López and Joe Ryan will be next to go, further reducing the team’s financial commitments. “If we part with López and/or Ryan, there will no doubt be some negative nellies who come to Target Field just to yell ‘Sell the Team’ at us,” said the source. “Shelton has been hearing that for years now. He won’t even flinch; he’ll just keep an unproven starter out there for another three innings of hot slop before bringing in a reliever who’s even worse. This is a man who understands the assignment. “We’re excited about the emotional and professional calluses he’s developed to withstand a total lack of spending and wobbly infrastructure.” While the source refused to speculate on any scenario where the Twins would spend money on improving the on-field product, he did allow that if the corporate real estate market turned around, a lumbering corner outfielder with a bad arm could be in play—if the price is right. “People say the two sweetest words in baseball are ‘Opening Day,’ but the seven sweetest are ‘minimum salary and an extensive injury history.’ It rolls off the tongue.” Image license here. View full article