Area Bozo Troubled by Quicker Games

Many are praising the rule changes that have led 2023 Major League Baseball games to finish at a demonstrably faster pace. For others, it’s making their beloved pastime almost unrecognizable.

“When I a buy a ticket, I expect to get my money’s worth,” said Anoka retiree Tom Hanson, a classic North Metro blockhead. “I’m paying their salaries, I expect an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.”

Hanson, whose fourth wife left him for a television preacher named Alden, thinks the newfound quickness is antithetical to the true meaning of the game.

“When I go to Scary-apolis I need four beers minimum, I need to scoff at the tip line on the receipt loud enough so they can hear, and I need to complain about the price each time,” said Hanson. “if the game is two hours long, how am I supposed to berate anyone and get my load on?”

The absentee father and grandfather claimed a longer game is more authentic and truer to the way it’s meant to be played.

“That third hour, the golden hour, is when I really light up the umpires and players who I feel are dogging it or aren’t giving 100%, which is all of them,” said the dullard. “And since it’s still just the 7th inning, I have the time I need to yell at kids for not standing for God Bless America, beat the traffic home, and use my burner phone to call in to the stations that have blocked my other numbers and complain about Byron Buxton’s contract.”

With no return to the way things were imminent, Hanson said he’ll focus on his own in-game adjustments.

“I’m not a fan of IPAs, but they make me angrier quicker,” said the man who has spent the last seven Christmases alone. “Figure I can choke one of those down then take the nearest player wearing jewelry on the field down a peg. Ted Williams never wore a chain and he spoke American. Print that.”