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In response to the Minnesota Twins’ horrific start on offense, leading baseball scientists have been forced to lower the Mendoza Line for the first time since its creation in 1979.
“While a .200 batting average has long been considered the benchmark for offensive ineptitude, circumstances change,” said Dr. Gwendolyn Sparks. “We’re lowering that mark to .195. God help us all.”
The Twins currently sit at .193 for the season, with multiple everyday players hitting well below even that.
“This is not a decision we take lightly,” said Dr. Campbell Young. “Indeed, we were hoping to hold off on doing anything because we simply thought no team could hit this badly for this long. We thought wrong.”
The Mendoza Line is named after light-hitting journeyman infielder Mario Mendoza, who posted a .198 average over 148 games in 1979 for the Seattle Mariners.
“We bumped it up to .200 because it made sense to go with a round number,” said Dr. Young of the decision. “It never crossed our minds that someone, much less an entire team, could ever fall below that.
“Also, Mario finished his career with a .215 average. That’s 22 points north of the Twins. He shouldn’t be taking these kinds of strays, honestly.”
Sources say some baseball scientists may be looking to rectify that situation by renaming the Mendoza Line to better recognize the futility of the current Twins offense. Twins Daily received a working document from a source with knowledge of the discussions, and we’ve been given permission to share the suggestions:
- The Castro District
- Hitting the Wallner
- The Farmer’s Slaughter
- Santana, featuring Robbed Offense
- The Vasquez Vortex
- Margot Back to Triple-A
- Deadball Julien
- Minimum Kepler
“Obviously, injuries have cratered their depth, but the numbers are the numbers,” said Dr. Sparks. “No one gave Mario an asterisk for playing on a terrible Seattle team.”
“They say the hardest thing in sports is hitting a baseball,” said Dr. Young. “They never tell you how sad it makes everyone when they don’t.”
The Twins return to Target Field on Friday for a three-game series against Detroit. God help us all.
Image license here.
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