Opening Day Traditions for Every MLB Team

The pageantry. The pomp. The horse poop. Opening Day brings special sights, sounds, and smells to all 30 ballparks each spring. Let's take a tour of the league's treasured traditions.

AL CENTRAL
Detroit Tigers: Instead of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” fans sing along to Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” during the 7th-inning stretch.

Cleveland Guardians: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the old, racist mascot actually honored Native Americans.

Chicago White Sox: Every fan re-states their allegiance to Baphomet, the Prince of Hell and Satan’s Liege. A lamb is slaughtered at second base. The godless Chicago White Sox then take the field for one of this year’s 105 losses. 

Kansas City Royals: Arguing about the best pre- and-post-game BBQ options leaves dozens slathered in sauces and slaw.

Minnesota Twins: The giant inflatable milk jug from the Metrodome is drained, to provide Joe Mauer with his yearly supply of whole milk. He has one of those Bobby Bonilla lifetime contract things.

AL EAST

New York Yankees: They can rot in hell, I don’t care.

Boston Red Sox: Same. Good job on being more annoying than the Yankees. That should be impossible.

Tampa Bay Rays: Posting their yearly payroll on the scoreboard while fans cheer the thriftiness and frugality.

Toronto Blue Jays: Something Canadian, probably? I’m not really sure what they do up there. A bag of all-dressed chips for the first 10,000 fans, let’s say. They’re really good. I’d go to that game.

Baltimore Orioles: Each fan receives a commemorative Billy Ripken “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] Face” baseball card. They also can go to the left-field concourse and call Ripken that to his face. “I hate this, I wish this wasn’t happening,” says the former major leaguer. “Why do they make my children watch? Why is Cal (Ripken’s brother) yelling it so loud?”

AL WEST
Los Angeles Angels: Everyone in attendance feels kinda bad for Mike Trout again.

Oakland A’s: The 73 remaining fans get food poisoning from the helmet nachos.

Seattle Mariners: A nude, disoriented Jay Buhner throws out the first pitch. He wasn’t asked to do so. Also it’s midnight and he’s in your mud room. "Tell 'em The Bone sent ya," he shouts as he wanders into the cold, moonless night.

Texas Rangers: A raucous sellout crowd comes to the collective realization that “Defending World Series champion Texas Rangers” is too weird of a concept to wrap your arms around and leaves before the 3rd inning.

Houston Astros: Team officials admit that it’s still super messed up that Houston is in the American League. “It insults decency and the idea of a loving God,” they say in a statement read aloud in lieu of the National Anthem. “The universe is cold and indifferent to our suffering.”

NL CENTRAL
Chicago Cubs: Local youths run the bases after the game and attempt to find Ron Coomer in the outfield ivy. If he’s not found, that means it’s another 108 years before the next Cubs World Series title.

St. Louis Cardinals: Celebrating another year as the fan base most likely to have something deeply wrong in their crawlspace. Also the Clydesdales.

Milwaukee Brewers: Fans select the July date when they all agree to quit paying attention to baseball because of a Packers intrasquad scrimmage.

Cincinnati Reds: The first 5,000 fans receive Johnny Bench’s Johnny Benches, a small, red bench for people to use in their bathroom while waiting for the person using the toilet to do their business. “Celebrate one of the game’s all-time greats while looking someone dead in the eye as they relieve themselves,” according to the team’s website.

Pittsburgh Pirates: The team’s Smoke a Cigarette with Kent Tekulve Day is widely criticized once again for not having an age requirement.

NL EAST
Atlanta Braves: Embarrassing uncles tell mortified younger relatives that the Tomahawk Chop actually honors Native Americans. Twenty miles away, the team breaks ground on another new stadium even farther from Atlanta.

New York Mets: Sickos and pervs from all five boroughs get horny for Mrs. Met again.

Philadelphia Phillies: Attempts to combat the stereotype of the brutal, vulgar Philadelphia sports fan go awry when the Opening Day Salute to Senior Citizens Holding Adorable Kittens is held on the same day as a baffling “Free Dozen Eggs for Absentee Fathers” giveaway.

Washington Nationals: They admit the old Expos logo was straight fire and apologize for moving the franchise in both French and English.

Miami Marlins: They bring the weird home run sculpture back for children to hit with bats, lead pipes, loose rocks, etc. “Soon it will die, as all things must,” says a team spokesperson.

NL WEST
Los Angeles Dodgers: The ceremonial setting of money on fire. They’ll get more, it’s fine.

San Diego Padres: Annoying dudes remind unimpressed dates that the team colors are the same as McDonald’s because Ray Kroc used to own them. A bully gives them a swirlie later.

San Francisco Giants: Honoring the victims of Opening Day 2018, when a misguided promotion for the film The Meg released a bunch of sharks into McCovey Cove, turning canoeists and kayakers into chum.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Reminding the rest of the world that they were the other team in the World Series last year, and that it’s possible for long-suffering franchises to make an improbable postseason run.

Colorado Rockies: Except for the Rockies.

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