New Twins Jerseys Showcase Groundbreaking 'No Arm Holes' Feature

There’s one major storyline out of the first week of Spring Training, and it has nothing to do with the players.

It’s their clothes.

Multiple players are raising questions about the new uniforms, courtesy of Nike and Fanatics, with complaints about texture, length, fit, lettering, and more.

The new Twins uniforms may only add fuel to this fire.

“The first thing I noticed is that the jersey is really thin,” said Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers. “Then I realized I have no place to put my arms.”

Teammates and media members covering Spring Training confirmed that the Twins’ uniforms arrived in Fort Myers not just sleeveless, but without apertures for the players’ arms.

A Fanatics spokesperson denied this was an error when speaking to the media on Thursday afternoon, and said it was bleeding-edge sportswear meant to improve velocity.

“Waving your arms about creates significant drag and slows you down,” said the rep. “The unprecedented aerodynamics of these new uniforms make every player feel like a champion.”

When asked how players could be expected to pitch, hit, or field under these conditions, the rep pointed into the middle distance and exclaimed, “Look! It’s Sammy Hagar!” When reporters pivoted to look for the former Van Halen lead singer, they only saw Twins reliever Caleb Thielbar. Upon turning back, the spokesperson could be seen making a dead sprint toward a nearby holding pond.

“I’ve never seen anyone move that fast in camp,” said Betsy Helfand, Twins beat writer for the Pioneer Press. “Maybe Buxton before the injuries. Or that one time we told (the Star Tribune’s) Phil Miller there was an unattended hazy IPA with a pillowy mouthfeel and fruit-forward aromatics in the visiting dugout. There wasn’t one, but he moved like a gazelle.”

For their part, the team says they are trying to adjust to the new look.

“I hate this,” said Twins shortstop Carlos Correa.

“This is a hospital gown with embroidery,” said Twins pitcher Louie Varland.

“If you sweat in it, it disintegrates,” said Twins second baseman Edouard Julien. "It burns the skin."

Image license here.