‘Significant’ Recycling Haul Kickstarts Twins Free Agency

The Minnesota Twins freed up some much-needed free agency money this week, thanks to the Jorge Polanco trade. But the real key to overcoming the franchise’s self-imposed offseason austerity could be in that can of Diet Coke you’re holding.

“When we greenlit Operation Walking Distance for our employees, we frankly didn’t know what to expect,” said a front office source. “Asking people to rifle through all the blue bins in their neighborhood on recycling day for aluminum cans is a lot, especially after the budget cuts put an end to Pizza Fridays. But our team stepped up.”

Operation Walking Distance was introduced before the holidays, encouraging all employees, from players to Target Field custodians, to gather aluminum cans for cash value. 

“I was very skeptical at first,” said an employee in the team’s analytics department. “But once those bins are on the curb and the sun goes down on Chanhassen, it’s wide open. Turns out no one is really monitoring those recycling bins. That’s corner outfielder money on every street and cul-de-sac, especially the house down the block with all the Coors Light empties.”

That home’s owner, Twins Daily co-founder Parker Hageman, declined to comment beyond saying that, “The mountains on the can turn blue when the beer inside is cold, which is awesome. Silver bullets, brother.”

Despite the danger of trespassing or being mistaken for a thief, a team source said there have only been a few incidents of violence. “We’ve had a couple folks get tuned up by unforgiving property owners pretty good, but they were interns. That’s on mom and dad’s insurance, and shattered pelvises heal fast when you're young.”

Sources also say that an Inver Grove Heights family found Twins catcher Ryan Jeffers rummaging through their recycling bin, captured him, and grew to like him so much that they’ve adopted him and named him Butch. “He gets treats whenever he doesn’t make on the carpet,” said one source. “He’s still more of an outdoor catcher, but they let him inside on cold or stormy nights.”

Although a final tally on the total money collected is unconfirmed, a team accountant said they now have enough to take a player and his agent to Chipotle or Panera Bread.

“Just water with your meal, Rockefeller,” added the accountant.

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