Time Running Out to Mock, Belittle White Sox Fans

While it’s important to monitor the Twins’ efforts to escape their worst slump of the season, hold on to their Wild Card spot, and hopefully be healthy enough to matter in the playoffs, it’s critical not to lose sight of another, equally important, goal: Remind fans of the godless Chicago White Sox that their team is a real stinkeroo.  

Although it’s easy to continue sending screenshots of the AL Central standings to these woebegone freaks, there are other ways to maximize their misery in the gloaming of the 2024 campaign:

• Go to the nearest prison and talk to them. White Sox fans don’t get a lot of visitors, as their families have long since disowned them for stealing from the elderly and infirm. Just remind them that the prison of fandom is one they can escape, unlike the penitentiary.
• Gather all the loose change from your car and/or purse. Tally it up and show them how many White Sox tickets you can buy on the secondary market. That $4.59 in pennies, dimes, and nickels will get you four upper deck tickets for the Angels game at Guaranteed Rate Field, plus change, before fees. Offer to match that amount and donate it to one of the charities they haven’t scammed yet (this could take some time, carve out an hour or two this weekend).
• Search internet and physical media archives. There were quite a few stories about the emerging White Sox dynasty in the late 2010s. Print them out. Make copies. Do whatever one does with a microfiche. Remind them of when they had hope. Remind them of when they thought Dad was coming back from going out for some cigarettes. Remind them.
• Make an offseason plan. There won’t be any daily reminders of the futility of their existence if the White Sox aren’t playing. It’s up to you. Texts. The US Mail. WhatsApp. Public access television. Instagram Reels. There’ve never been more outlets to bully and harangue the sicko White Sox fans in your life. They may not be playing in October, but they will be checking notifications. If Cameos are still a thing, see how much it costs to have one of the lesser Baldwins record a video reciting the final score of each White Sox loss this year.

With some dedication and attention to craft, you can really pulverize what's left of their souls, if they have them, which they don't.

Image license here.