Twins Doing Just Fine in Financial Prudence Standings, Pohlads Pleased

NASSAU--With a battered team struggling to regain its mojo and a fanbase in full panic mode, it’s fair to assume that Twins ownership might be stressed, too.

You’d assume wrong.

“This is, frankly, the best season we’ve had in years,” said a source close to the Pohlads, speaking from the family's weekday yacht just off the coast of the Bahamas. “It’s a bottom-line business, and our bottom line is terrific. We’re in the black and that matters a heck of a lot more than any pennant race. Real fans get that.”

The Pohlads have owned the Twins for four decades, and in that time, fans have seen two World Series titles and only tried to contract the team out of existence once.

“We right-sized our business in the offseason and are reaping the benefits every day,” said the source. “Playoffs are fine if you’re just a casual fan, but the diehards? They know that solvency is the real championship.”

The Twins' month-long skid has dragged them down into a tie with the surging Detroit Tigers, thanks to a lethal combination of injuries, an overworked bullpen, and an ineffective offense. The source was asked if people are overreacting to the current situation.

“I understand that their tiny, working-class brains might not fathom it, and that’s OK. They spend all day in a factory doing whatever people do inside of them, then they go home to their hovels and vent. If they had tried harder in school, they’d have a better grasp of the nuances.”

When asked if this might be a case of the Pohlads being out of touch, the source scoffed.

“The little people, the rabble, are some of our best sources of income. The ownership group loves them and pays many of them a competitive wage for lawn and pool maintenance. Would it be nice if they showed a little more gratitude to their betters? Of course.”

The source also reiterated that the team hopes to keep their streak of financial prudence going in the offseason.

“Frankly, if they don’t make the playoffs, that’s less money spent on travel and keeping Target Field open. Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits.”