Twins Doing Just Fine in Financial Prudence Standings, Pohlads Pleased

[RandBalls Stu]

"Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits."

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Alina Kacharho

NASSAU--With a battered team struggling to regain its mojo and a fanbase in full panic mode, it’s fair to assume that Twins ownership might be stressed, too.

You’d assume wrong.

“This is, frankly, the best season we’ve had in years,” said a source close to the Pohlads, speaking from the family's weekday yacht just off the coast of the Bahamas. “It’s a bottom-line business, and our bottom line is terrific. We’re in the black and that matters a heck of a lot more than any pennant race. Real fans get that.”

The Pohlads have owned the Twins for four decades, and in that time, fans have seen two World Series titles and only tried to contract the team out of existence once.

“We right-sized our business in the offseason and are reaping the benefits every day,” said the source. “Playoffs are fine if you’re just a casual fan, but the diehards? They know that solvency is the real championship.”

The Twins' month-long skid has dragged them down into a tie with the surging Detroit Tigers, thanks to a lethal combination of injuries, an overworked bullpen, and an ineffective offense. The source was asked if people are overreacting to the current situation.

“I understand that their tiny, working-class brains might not fathom it, and that’s OK. They spend all day in a factory doing whatever people do inside of them, then they go home to their hovels and vent. If they had tried harder in school, they’d have a better grasp of the nuances.”

When asked if this might be a case of the Pohlads being out of touch, the source scoffed.

“The little people, the rabble, are some of our best sources of income. The ownership group loves them and pays many of them a competitive wage for lawn and pool maintenance. Would it be nice if they showed a little more gratitude to their betters? Of course.”

The source also reiterated that the team hopes to keep their streak of financial prudence going in the offseason.

“Frankly, if they don’t make the playoffs, that’s less money spent on travel and keeping Target Field open. Like smart baseball fans, we have our eyes on the prize: Further payroll cuts to maximize profits.”

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[TopGunn#22]

You are the King of Satire !!  Well done once again.  

[chinmusic]

2 emojis required for this one...haha and sad.

[Guest]

Well, the Pohlads missed the really big money one can make by skimming from Minnesota's Feeding our Future program.  They're clearly missing the big picture of what makes Minnesota a great place to work and play.

 

sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

[Road trip]

Usually Randball Stu's writing is obviously fictional.  This one, not so much...

[Fire Dan Gladden]

Please Stu, I need you to go back to writing satire.  The factual articles are too painful to read.

[mikelink45]

I read this hoping for a laugh and now I'm sadder than I was to begin with.  

[Reptevia]

No lies detected. 

[Hrbeks Divot]

No truer article has been written on Twins Daily all season…

[ashbury]

Clearly some if not all of the quotes are made up.  No competent business would allow the term "right-size" to be used in public, with or without attribution.

[NotAboutWinning]

Ouch! The truth hurts sometimes!

I read this right after I read the Strib article on Willi Castro setting a record for getting hit by pitches in a season.  It was sad how excited Rocco was that someone had set a record for something 😕

[ashbury]

3 hours ago, NotAboutWinning said:

I read this right after I read the Strib article on Willi Castro setting a record for getting hit by pitches in a season. 

Maybe a Minnesota record but not yet a franchise record.  I checked on bb-ref.com and Senators star Kid Elberfeld took 25 in the ribs or noggin or wherever, back in 1911.  Of course he was only a kid then (age 36).  And no, he wasn't really a star but he did rack up 33 WAR in his lengthy career, mostly with the Tigers and Highlanders.

But even Elberfeld is a piker by comparison.  During spring training back in the 1970s, Ron Hunt and Don Baylor would sneak out to the bullpen before the game and throw baseballs at each other's head to warm up, just for the fun of it, when their respective teams met.  You Could Look It Up!*

 

* And not find it.