Reports: Twins Might Add Another Plodding, Left-Handed Outfielder to Mess with Beat Writers

With the start of the regular season less than two weeks away, the composition of the Twins roster is still in flux. One thing is for certain, though: they have more than enough bat-first, defense-second, left-handed-hitting outfielders on hand.

And one more might be on the way.

Multiple media reports indicate the Twins are considering adding another lefty outfielder, preferably "on the slow side" and only playable against righty starters. 

Spurring this potential roster move? The journalists covering the team.

"Pretty much since the last game of 2025, all the reporters and analysts were saying we had too many replacement-level lefty corner outfielders," said a source with knowledge of the front office's thinking. "Then we tendered [Trevor] Larnach and they got even more confused and upset. You have to wonder how they'd react if we brought in another guy. They'd [defecate in] their pants."

"We obviously want to make the team competitive and play better baseball," said another team source close to the Pohlad ownership group. "But you can't deny the importance of a good bit."

"Those two twerps from The Athletic"—writers Aaron Gleeman and Dan Hayes—"just did another roster projection and spent a good quarter of it talking about the corner outfielders again," said the front office source. "Here's a projection: How about we bring in another 6'3" goon who bats lefty and has to stop and catch his breath running out a grounder? Project that, nerds."

The source close to the Pohlads says it's not just Gleeman and Hayes driving the approach.

"They're all a little too comfortable getting their jabs in on the outfield situation," said the source. "All the Strib guys, Betsy [Helfand] at the St. Paul paper, [Matthew] Leach at MLB.com, they can't resist pointing it out. Hell, I bet [retired Star Tribune baseball writer] Phil Miller is even saying things."

A spokesperson for Miller said he was in his "wonder cave" in rural Washington County with a cooler full of hazy IPAs and enough ayahuasca to see through time, and referred all comments to Miller's third eye.

"All are welcome in the wonder cave," said the eye. "Surrender to the inner light; all will be revealed."

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