Article: Derek Falvey Urges Child to Pass on Bryce Harper Card

[RandBalls Stu]

A young Eden Prairie boy plans to buy a Bryce Harper rookie card this weekend. One area baseball executive is hoping he can change his mind.

Jake Evenson, 10, got a $20 bill for his birthday. The young Eden Prairie baseball fanatic knows exactly what he wants, too: a Bryce Harper rookie card.“He’s my favorite player, and there’s one I can get for $15,” said Evenson. “Mom said we could buy it this weekend.”

Twins Executive Vice President and Chief Baseball Officer Derek Falvey wants him to reconsider.

“I think he should really take a wait-and-see approach to this purchase,” said Falvey. “He has a solid card collection right now. If it appreciates in value, that’s when he can strike.”

Evenson, who was pulled out of science class to take Falvey’s phone call, was confused.

“It was pretty weird. This man said I should hold onto that $20 if I needed it down the line. I’m 10. I don’t have bills. I like Bryce Harper and I can afford it.

“The last time someone got a call in my class it’s because their dad was in jail,” Evenson added.

Falvey, who said the phone call was part of the team’s new Community Outreach program, understands Evenson’s passion, but urged the youngster to take the long view.

“What if he really gets into Fortnite or comic books? At that age, your tastes are mercurial. All of a sudden, you have this Bryce Harper card that was cool at the time, but now you want to trade it in for some Claremont-era X-Men issues. Then the market isn’t there and all you can get is a cruddy Daredevil that smells like milk.”

Evenson remains adamant.

“I like Spiderman, but Mr. Falvey said he’s not an X Man. I want a Bryce Harper card because I have money and he’s awesome.”

Falvey remains convinced that he can sway the child to his way of thinking.

“Later today we’re sending T.C. Bear to Jake’s after-school program with a dozen pizzas and a personalized t-shirt cannon signed by Jonathan Schoop,” said Falvey. “If he’s still apprehensive, we’ll let him shoot the cannon at TC with whatever he wants: apples, staple guns, you name it. Don’t tell TC that.”

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Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor.

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[Kelly Vance]

So this is what Falvey has been doing with his time instead of finding more good players for the  Twins. 

[akmanak]

This is a really stupid story and Falvey sounds like a huge creeper in it.

[markominne]

OK. The off-season is now officially too long....

[less cowbell more neau]

Welcome, Randball's!

[nclahammer]

Welcome Randball Stu, love love LOVE it.

 

[rdehring]

Interesting seeing that Randball Stu also changed uniforms this winter!

[Squirrel]

Just for a point of clarification in case a few of you missed it ... the tag line on this article reads:

 

"Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor."

 

Welcome, Stu!

[Mike Sixel]

Great one!

[John Bonnes]

I always suspected that Falvey was an expert on his 80s era Marvel comic writers. If he has copies of Wolverine 1-4 stashed away somewhere, we may need to get an apartment together. 

[Number3]

As long as Falvey doesn't give Harper himself the $20.00 to play for the Twins I will be happy.

[jjswol]

I was always told that if you can't say something nice that you shouldn't say anything at all, but here...........geez.....

[Richie the Rally Goat]

Welcome Stu, I was disappointed earlier this winter, but now thrilled to continue to read your work. 

[MMMordabito]

I don't "get" this ... But, I also didn't "get" Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football.

[USAFChief]

Welcome Randball!!

 

More outstandingness for TD.

 

BTW, Falvey checked in on the Harper card himself, and told the card shop owner "if you have trouble finding a buyer...and the price drops...a lot...give me a call."

[Brock Beauchamp]

*slow clap*

[Vanimal46]

A MUCH needed addition to the site. Welcome aboard Stu!

[Mike Sixel]

Agreed. This site has gotten overly serious lately..... Not that my posts are funny.....

[wavedog]

Welcome the fresh material - love it!   Let's hope the Twins don't have a joke of a season and this will be the only type of laughs we need. 

[ashbury]

An investigation probably will reveal that Thad Levine leaked the story to the press in order to get his boss fired, so that he can swoop in and take over. I never take this kind of stuff marked Satire seriously anyway.

[Craig Arko]

I stumbled into twinsonion.com by accident.

 

Should be some interesting game thread intros coming from this.

[Aerodeliria]

He could offer Evenson five of the Upper Deck Kent Hrbek 2013 Goodwin Champions series cards which would cost less than the price of one Bryce Harper. Hrbek isn't even wearing a tacky baseball uniform (suit and tie). If he still doesn't bite, Falvey could throw in an official Kent Hrbek Rapala fishing lure... now that would show some hometown spirit. Not too bad, eh?

[Einheri]

This read to me like an Onion article.

[Tjwalsh65]

I could come up with a 100 Upper Deck 1991 Scott Erickson rookie cards for him.

 

[scottz]

Like, is this supposed to be, like, funny or something?

 

Because it is.

[mitcho8]

Wait, is he from Eden Prairie, or White Bear Lake? Or is he a huge WBL fan who lives in EP?

[RandBalls Stu]

 

Wait, is he from Eden Prairie, or White Bear Lake? Or is he a huge WBL fan who lives in EP?

Wouldn't be me without a dumb typo in my first post. Fixed, thanks!

[Otto von Ballpark]

 

Just for a point of clarification in case a few of you missed it ... the tag line on this article reads:

 

"Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor."

 

Welcome, Stu!

FWIW, article tag lines are not visible in the forum view.

 

Although I think the satire is obvious enough that it shouldn't require the tag!

Edited February 8, 2019 by spycake

[Squirrel]

 

FWIW, article tag lines are not visible in the forum view.

 

Although I think the satire is obvious enough that it shouldn't require the tag!

Yes ... I'm aware. Which is why I clarified ... and added it to this article. But I see now it was removed. It's a weird thing the way articles and article threads are and aren't linked. The comments are linked, but sometimes the content or format doesn't transfer when the article thread is generated. And any tweak I put into the article thread goes away when the original article gets edited. So ... I'll add it ... again ... to help keep up the clarification. (Or perhaps one of the admins could put that line into the body of the article so that it transfers. Not that it's really needed, but, obviously for a few it is.)

 

And I agree it's somewhat obvious ... because it's too ... 'What. The. Heck????'

[Rigby]

Little Jake needs to have a 1909 Honus Wagner and the 1952 Mickey Mantle cards in place before he splurges on the Harper.