Beat Writer in Worst Shape of His Life

[RandBalls Stu]

“The advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects,” said Fraley. "I can't smoke my way out of it, but I plan to try."

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Artem Beliaikan

Every spring training, baseball writers document which player in camp has cut weight, hit the gym, and is generally in “the best shape of his life.”

“It’s one of those clichés that happens to be true,” said the Star Tribune’s Phil Miller. “There’s always a player who really got after it in the winter and it’s hard to miss.”

“I was on Jeopardy,” confirmed MLB.com’s Do-Hyoung Park.

For the Fargo Forum’s Steve Fraley, it’s another matter entirely.

“I have let myself go,” said Fraley. “Things are not good.”

Fraley, battling his second hangover of the weekday, confirmed to Twins Daily that he is in the worst shape of his life heading to Fort Myers.

“The thing they don’t tell you about cigarettes is how good they make you feel,” said Fraley. “You get up in the morning, reheat a cup of coffee, then light up that dart. Man. Then you figure out where you left your phone, dry swallow four Advils, and get on with the day.”

Fraley is in his fourth season of covering the Twins for the newspaper and says this is as slovenly as he’s ever been before Opening Day.

“I live right next to an Applebee’s,” said Fraley. “You just wander across the parking lot, settle in, order some nachos, and brother, you are feeling good in the neighborhood. Sometimes the Law & Order rerun is one I haven’t even seen yet.

“That said, the advancements they’ve made in nacho delivery technology have had some undesirable side effects. Going up a size on the board shorts and Hawaiian shirts this year, can’t smoke my way out of this one even though I plan to try.”

Fraley’s fellow scribes agree that it’s a struggle to get into the writer’s version of midseason form.

“I honestly don’t know what airport I’m landing in or how I’m getting to the park,” said The Athletic’s Aaron Gleeman. “I’m in the air right now.”

“Twice. I was on Jeopardy twice,” added Park.

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[Olpnch]

Best article ever.

[Beast]

Fake news.  Applebees nachos are awful.  

I can’t stand by quietly.  Whether satire or not, the idea may take hold and impact someone’s life.  If I save just one person from ordering Applebees nachos, it’s worth it.

[DJL44]

17 minutes ago, Beast said:

Fake news.  Applebees nachos are awful.  

I can’t stand by quietly.  Whether satire or not, the idea may take hold and impact someone’s life.  If I save just one person from ordering Applebees nachos, it’s worth it.

Should have gone with the spinach and artichoke dip.

[mikelink45]

I love the fact that the essay has to start with a definition of satire!  That was my biggest laugh - I almost spilled my salsa when I saw that.

[BobAzar]

Over/under on the amount of comments missing the LARGE header that explains satire and complain like this is a real article. 

[gil4]

1 hour ago, Beast said:

Fake news.  Applebees nachos are awful.  

I can’t stand by quietly.  Whether satire or not, the idea may take hold and impact someone’s life.  If I save just one person from ordering Applebees nachos, it’s worth it.

Yeah, they are almost as bad as their boneless "wings".  

I live in a town where the top fine dining options are Applebees and Whataburger.  We don't eat out very often.  But Chick-Fil-A is coming!  I might be able to write my own version of this article next year.

[Beast]

5 minutes ago, gil4 said:

Yeah, they are almost as bad as their boneless "wings".  

I live in a town where the top fine dining options are Applebees and Whataburger.  We don't eat out very often.  But Chick-Fil-A is coming!  I might be able to write my own version of this article next year.

We have limited options where I am as well.  Also, my 5 year old daughter has been adamant about needing to go to Applebees because of the “Fancy Like” bro country song.  So, it’s a nightmare on multiple levels.

Save yourselves.

[Brock Beauchamp]

2 hours ago, Beast said:

Fake news.  Applebees nachos are awful.  

I can’t stand by quietly.  Whether satire or not, the idea may take hold and impact someone’s life.  If I save just one person from ordering Applebees nachos, it’s worth it.

About six months ago, my wife had the idea "let's go to Applebees and only order appetizers!"

Neither one of us had been in an Applebees in over a decade.

It was a terrible experience.

Terrible.

If you find yourself looking across the strip mall longingly at an Olive Garden, you know you've made some truly bad decisions with your life.

[gil4]

33 minutes ago, Beast said:

We have limited options where I am as well.  Also, my 5 year old daughter has been adamant about needing to go to Applebees because of the “Fancy Like” bro country song.  So, it’s a nightmare on multiple levels.

Save yourselves.

My youngest daughter is 18 and would rather go with her friends, so I'm safe. 

[Mike Sixel]

My favorite part was the Law and Order rerun bit!

[LA Vikes Fan]

Applebee's, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays. Who wins? 

[ashbury]

9 minutes ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Applebee's, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays. Who wins? 

We all lose.

[Cris E]

I wanted Steve Fraley to be real. I still want him to become a recurring Randballs character, maybe a Raymond Chandler-esque, film noir kind of guy that wears a lot of bright colors to throw folks off. 

Also, Stu, there's room for a weekly ChatGPT feature where Google  The Machine writes something for consideration. 

EDIT: Google is behind and has introduced Bard to catch up. Mea culpa.

 

[Brock Beauchamp]

30 minutes ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Applebee's, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays. Who wins? 

There are no winners here but Olive Garden is far and away the least offensive option listed.

[Dave The Dastardly]

The wife and I once dined at a TGI Fridays on a Saturday. Turned out we were a day late and a dollar short.

[tonderk]

4 hours ago, DJL44 said:

Should have gone with the spinach and artichoke dip.

100%.  And spinach is healthy.  😉

[Dave The Dastardly]

1 hour ago, Brock Beauchamp said:

There are no winners here but Olive Garden is far and away the least offensive option listed.

We eat healthy at home and "sin" on the road. Still got clogged arteries from our last MacDonald's stop, a mortal sin committed back when Ryan was still in knickers. Went down in the Big Book as a mortal sin. The Road To Hell is paved with Big Macs.

[wsnydes]

5 hours ago, Beast said:

Fake news.  Applebees nachos are awful.  

I can’t stand by quietly.  Whether satire or not, the idea may take hold and impact someone’s life.  If I save just one person from ordering Applebees nachos, it’s worth it.

I wish I would have read this comment about 13 years ago.  Potentially life altering advice right here!

[wsnydes]

2 hours ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Applebee's, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays. Who wins? 

No.

[wsnydes]

3 hours ago, Beast said:

We have limited options where I am as well.  Also, my 5 year old daughter has been adamant about needing to go to Applebees because of the “Fancy Like” bro country song.  So, it’s a nightmare on multiple levels.

Save yourselves.

I think starving oneself is the preferred option here.  On multiple levels.

[wsnydes]

Is adding a satire disclaimer at the head of a satirical article like a double negative thus making the article serious?

[theBOMisthebomb]

2 hours ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

We eat healthy at home and "sin" on the road. Still got clogged arteries from our last MacDonald's stop, a mortal sin committed back when Ryan was still in knickers. Went down in the Big Book as a mortal sin. The Road To Hell is paved with Big Macs.

This guy begs to differ:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.today.com/today/amp/rcna30157

 Man has eaten a Big Mac a day for 50 years, attributes good health to walking

"I probably will be eating Big Macs every day for the rest of my life," said Don Gorske.

[Nine of twelve]

4 hours ago, LA VIkes Fan said:

Applebee's, Olive Garden, TGI Fridays. Who wins? 

First base.

[Craig Arko]

Just now, Nine of twelve said:

First base.

Rally Monkey’s Fine Dining Emporium. 

[ashbury]

2 hours ago, wsnydes said:

Is adding a satire disclaimer at the head of a satirical article like a double negative thus making the article serious?

Are you serious about this?

[Squirrel]

2 hours ago, Dave The Dastardly said:

We eat healthy at home and "sin" on the road. Still got clogged arteries from our last MacDonald's stop, a mortal sin committed back when Ryan was still in knickers. Went down in the Big Book as a mortal sin. The Road To Hell is paved with Big Macs.

Every once in a while I crave a Big Mac ... I mean, what's not to like? But it's probably been 40 yrs since I had one. Does that mean I'm on my way to Heaven?

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

I would like to see Do-Hyoung Park on Jeopardy against Mike Gelfand and that meteorologist guy who just won a bunch of money, answering all those questions about meteors.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

15 minutes ago, Hosken Bombo Disco said:

answering all those questions about meteors.

Weren't we talking about Jeopardy?

What is questiong all those answers about meteors, Alex?

(wait isn't it someone new since i last paid attention?)

[sampleSizeOfOne]

I have confidence in Mr. Fraley.

 

A writer's only beat if he thinks he is.