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Dave The Dastardly

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Everything posted by Dave The Dastardly

  1. Fly On The Dugout Wall Rocco Baldelli/ Wes Johnson “Was that a strike?” “It almost hit him in the ankle, boss.” “So it wasn’t a strike.” “Nope. Not even close. “Should I take him out?” “It’s only the first inning, boss.” “Yeah, but if he isn’t throwing strikes… that’s bad, ain’t it?” “You don’t want to bring in the bullpen just yet, boss.” “Why? Are they bad?” “Most of the time. But the point is if you go to the pen too early we’ll run out of pitchers before the game is over.” “Whaddya mean? We got La Turtle don’t we? “That’s La Tortuga, boss.” “Same difference. We got ‘em here don’t we or did we forget and leave him in the minors again?” “No. He’s here. That’s him out there in centerfield.” “That’s not Buxton? He moves likes Buxton.” “It’s Astudillo.” “Who?” “La Tortuga.” “So why’s he in centerfield?” “You gave Buxton a couple days off, boss. You thought he looked exhausted after playing for a whole week.” “He played a whole week? Straight? What is he? Superman?” Should we put him on the IL?” “I think he’ll be okay, boss. At least until his next injury.” “All right, but if something happens to him while he’s sitting on the bench it’s your ass, Wes.” “Yes, sir.” “By the way, who is pitching for us? I don’t recognize the guy.” “Neither does anyone else, boss. The guy showed up before the game, said he’d been claimed off the town ball waiver list by the Front Office… let’s see, here it is… yup, he was pitching for the Climax, MN town team. Says here he won a couple of games… yup, threw a no-hitter against Fertile, MN. I hear those guys are pretty potent.” “There! By God that was a strike, wasn’t it?” “Yes, sir. Right down the middle of the plate… looks like it’s still going. Let me give the stat guys a call. Find out the launch angle on that one. Could be a moon shot.” “How ‘bout the exit velocity? You get extra runs for that, don’t you? Exit velocity? We don’t need to give up extra runs, Wes.” “No, sir. We don’t. There easy enough to come by the way it is.” “Why don’t you go out there. Find out what the hell his name is. Check and make sure he isn’t hurt already. He coulda got whiplash following that dinger out of the stadium.” “It’s still only the first inning, boss. I go out there now and the next time we gotta pull the guy.” “Who made up that rule?"
  2. Not ready to give up on Jax. He's still getting his feet wet.
  3. Marliss would be 84 now if she was still around to throw things at the TV. But I bet she's still watching the Cubbies, just from a better seat.
  4. Cubs, Curses and Canadians My cousin was a rabid Cubs fan despite growing up in Winona, MN. How rabid was she? Well, you didn’t want to be sitting in the same room with her when she watched her beloved Cubbies on TV; beer cans, ashtrays, knick-knacks and curses filled the air as the Cubbies choked, stumbled and sucked like a twenty-five cent lollipop ( youngsters may have to look that one up). Speaking of Cubs and curses, most baseball fans know of the Curse of the Billy Goat, supposedly put on the team by an irate fan after the cubs banned his goat from a Cubs game. After the Curse was issued, the Cubs for decades resembled the current Twins team; inept, incompetent, and incorrigible. Makes you wonder if someone hasn’t placed a curse on the Twins, doesn’t it? Well, I have it on good authority there was indeed a curse placed on the Twins; the dreaded “Curse of the Bull Pen.” The story, as it was related to me by a drunken soccer fan, is that Liam Hendriks was so torked by the Twinksters letting him slip through their fingertips he reportedly dressed in aboriginal clothing, which isn’t much clothing at all, just a loincloth and some white body paint, but in Liam’s case, since he was in the US at the time, a sweaty jockstrap and some white lithium grease, gazed Down Under… no, he didn’t stick his head up his…, well, you know where. This Down Under is a reference to Australia which is at the bottom of the world and therefore in constant danger of falling off the earth due to centrifugal force. Anyway, Hendriks in his Aussie garb stood in the Twins bullpen, gazed towards Australia and sang “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” out of the left side of his mouth while waving a boomerang all over the place, initiating the Curse of the Bull Pen”. And the Curse has kept coming back to bite the Twins bull pen guys in the… uh, down under, ever since. But here’s the scary part. There’s only one known way to remove an Australian Bull Pen Curse. You have to get thirteen rabid, you know, like bitten by a gray wolf rabid, and sober Canadian Twins fans, each carrying a harpoon and naked except for their mukluks and jock straps (sorry ladies), line them up one behind the other (watch those sharp harpoons guys) in the shape of an arrow pointing towards Greenland (as in opposite the other side of the Earth from Australia), and then in a deep rich (never heard of a deep poor one) baritone warble the Twins fans’ theme song, “A Man of Constant Sorrow”. When they finish singing, all thirteen Canadians simultaneously throw their harpoons at a stuffed kangaroo, hopefully hitting it at least once and that’s it! Curse removed! This curse removal was tried once before with a live kangaroo but it disappeared before the Canadians finished singing… rumor has it the ‘roo had perfect pitch, which is something none of our bull pen guys have, and the off-key Canucks drove him away with their horrendous singing. Truth be told, the ‘roo wound up at MacDonalds, jumping on a $1 special. Anyway, as this season winds down I think we should be signing up rabid Canadian fans and buying stuffed kangaroos for another stab at an off-season curse removal. Oh, and if you have a harpoon lying about you might think about donating it to the effort. We’ll stick it down under until then. On the Small Hill tonight: Twins: John "Eye" Gant 4-8 4.00 ERA 76 K Cubbies: Zach "A Riot" Davies 5.00 ERA 102 K Twins Line-up Arraez 2B .299 Buxton CF .331 Polanco DH .273 Donaldson 3B .259 Kepler RF .210 Sano 1B .219 Rooker LF .185 Rortvedt C .129 Simmons SS .223 In what world does Simmons outhit four other batters in a 9-man line-up?
  5. Inside Scoop says the Twins are going to remake Gordon into the next Tortuga. He's going behind the plate next week and gets the first closer opportunity the week after. The problem the front office has been having is getting Gordon to put on some speed pounds. They've restricted his daily diet to Big Macs, three pounds of french fries and lots of spaghetti. When his system gets plugged up they shoot him up with a horse wormer and clorox cocktail... you know, so they can clean him out and protect him against covid at the same time. Sort of a two-fer. I don't have any first-hand knowledge of any of that, but some anonymous guy posted it on the internet so it must be true. Personally, I think Gordon will remain half the player Astudillo is... at least by weight.
  6. That's sarcasm by the way. And another error, too. Go Vikings!
  7. Charlie's still cruising! Rocco isn't about to pull him out, is he?
  8. That's all right. We got the meat of our order coming up next inning. Kepler .211, Sano .215, Rooker .192, Jeffers .206. Houser's already looking nervous.
  9. Myth Or Musical Once upon a time in world now far, far away but still in this galaxy, it was rumored that BoSox club owner Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in order to finance the Broadway musical “No, No, Nanette” which opened in 1919 as the non-musical “My Lady Friends”. “No, No, Nanette” the re-write, didn’t open as a musical until 1925 and was first made into a movie in 1930. Due to its popularity “No No” has been redone several times since as both a play and a film. Babe, at least so far, hasn't been redone. I guess you could say Frazee let Ruth go for a song and a dance. Odd too that today a “No No” refers to a no-hitter. Which sort of sums up the BoSox’s World Series appearances for something like 86 years after they made the infamous trade (The Curse of the Bambino). Can’t complain about their success so far this century though. Especially when compared to the Twinkies lack thereof. Gotta wonder, is there a Curse of the Santana? To The Game Griffin “Jumpin” Jax 3-1 5.11 ERA 35 K takes on Tanner ”The Terrible” Houk 0-3 3.12 ERA 46 K at Fenway tonight. Jax, I think it safe to say, has surprised just about everyone with his success at the major league level, if we can term a 5.11 ERA a success. Though it’s hard to fault a 3-1 win/loss record. Just proves a win doesn't have to be pretty in order to go in the books as a win. Makes me wonder though just how many more “prospects” the Twinkies are sheltering in the minor leagues that could be up playing with the Big Boys. Sometimes you just gotta kick the kids out of the nest, throw ‘em in the pool, challenge ‘em if you want to find out if they’re going to sink or swim. Or fly away to Never Never Land when they don't Pan out and get the Hook. Good to see Gordon getting a game in the infield where he belongs, but I’m always stupefied when I see Cave playing in center instead of Kepler. Actually I’m stupefied to see Cave playing at all. But then Cave is probably stupefied to see I’m still writing game thread intros. Stupid is as stupid does. Line-Ups Twins Max “Schnell” Kepler RF .204 Brent “But Not Broke” Rooker LF .200 Jorge “The Magnificent” Polanco SS .273 Josh “Hamstring” Donaldson DH .245 Luis “The Slasher” Arraez 3B .312 Mitch “The Masked Marauder” Garver C .236 Nick “Flash” Gordon 2B .241 Miguel “The Mauler” Sano 1B .217 Jake “The Man” Cave CF .179 BoSox Enrique Hernandez 2B .252 Kyle Schwarber LF .261 Xander Bogaerts SS .306 Rafael Devers 3B .277 JD Martinez DH .288 Alex Verdugo CF .281 Hunter Renfroe RF .254 Travis Shaw 1B .191 Christian Vazquez C .254
  10. I think they'll beg every other team to take Donaldson and his contract off their hands and not find a taker. So then they'll trade Sano to the Red Sox, where he'll become the next Big Papi, for a couple high school prospects and move Donaldson to DH and have a pinch runner ready in case he doesn't hit a homer every time up. Then they'll sign a couple free agent pitchers that used to be good, paying them millions, so they can keep their top pitching prospects in the minor leagues for another year while the "wily" veterans they just acquired do little more than take up a couple of 40-man roster spots so we can leave a like number of prospects unprotected in the Rule 5 draft, who will then immediately star on their new major league teams despite having been rated "not ready" by the Twins talent scouts. They'll sign Buxton for a billion bucks, keep Kepler, Cave and Lewis for use as Buxton backups for when he spends his usual half the season on the IL, move Astudillo to the bull pen where he will eventually take over the closer role and extend Simmons for $15 million so they can keep Polanco at 2nd and trade Arraez for a utility player that can field but not hit to make room for Lewis. Take it to the Bank.
  11. Not sure if I totally agree with you but I think you've raise some valid points that are certainly worth being part of the discussion. No doghouses on TD. Civil discourse, yes.
  12. People often accuse me of making stuff up from a different part of my anatomy.
  13. Run Creation Coordinator?

     

    WTF?

    1. Brock Beauchamp

      Brock Beauchamp

      Is this a real title? What?

    2. Dave The Dastardly

      Dave The Dastardly

      Apparently it is. From a Park article on the official Twins site

      "Even with the coaching staff down two members, Baldelli indicated the Twins would stick with their existing Major League staff through this period. Run creation coordinator Frankie Padulo will step up to work with the hitters alongside co-hitting coach Rudy Hernandez in Varela's absence."

    3. Brock Beauchamp

      Brock Beauchamp

      @Dave The Dastardly I'm sure the position has legitimate value but oy, that name is awful.

  14. Never been able to understand it myself, this preference for reclamation projects over "prospects" we're supposedly developing. If the Twins have some magical ability to "save" stumbling veterans, why not bring up their best prospects from the minor leagues and use that same effort to finish off their development at the major league level? Yeah, they'll lose some games but so do those reclamation projects that take up a spot on the 40-man and hold back the careers of younger developing players... until we lose them in the Rule 5 draft.
  15. Line-ups Twins Refsnyder CF .323 Rooker LF .168 Donaldson DH .245 Garver C .220 Arraez 2B .319 Sano 1B .212 Astudillo 3B .266 Kepler RF .209 Simmons SS .215 Sox Anderson SS .330 Engel RF .263 Abreu 1B .246 Jimenez DH .297 Moncado 3B .256 Vaughn LF .264 Robert CF .320 Hernandez 2B .235 Zavala C .220
  16. Sanitized Sanitaries Originally called the White Stockings, The White Sox won the 1906 World Series with a defensive-oriented team that was called the “Hitless Wonders”. The “Wonders” took on cross-town rivals, the Cubs, in the ’06 Series and faced a team that won the most regular season games (116) and had a winning percentage of .763. The Sox, on the other foot, had the lowest team batting average (.230 - reminds me of this year’s Twins team at .244) but still managed to beat the luckless Cubs in 6 games - one of the biggest upsets in World Series history. It was also the first time two teams from the same city faced each other for the title. The Sox took the World Series again in 1917 but were part of the infamous Black Sox Scandal in the 1919 World Series in which 9 Sox players were eventually banned from baseball for throwing the Series to the Reds. The Sox, thoroughly bleached and disinfected, didn’t win their next World Series title until 2005. This time with former Twin AJ Pierzynski behind the plate and our old buddy Ozzie Guillen, the first Latin American to manage a World Series Champion team, at the helm. Ozzie was the originator of the “Piranhas” nickname for the 2008-era Twins team. Interestingly enough, the Piranhas, often criticized for being a bunch of singles and doubles hitters, carried a .279 team batting average. Mucho better than the current Twins .230. But then some fans claim Batting Average isn't as indicative as other more modern but arcane hitting statistics so do what you want with that bit of information. Regarding the Piranhas, as White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle explained, “Ozzie calls them the piranhas. They're so annoying when they get on base. They keep your mind off the hitter. They bunt, they steal, they hit-and-run and do what it takes to win games.” Ah! The good old days! Back when the Twins could do more than hit the occasional long distance homerun… and strike out…and commit fielding errors…and rest up for the play-offs they won’t be in… Regardless, I doubt will see any Piranha ball today, though we did see a squeeze bunt from the Twins just a few days ago so there is always hope, however Dallas from Chicago has a 6-3 record against the Boom or Doom Twins with an ERA of 3.88 and 51 strikeouts in 11 appearances so odds appear to favor the Sox. But maybe the Twins will go wild, let Jax pitch into the 7th inning, run a hit-and-run with Sano at the plate, bunt the runner over, pull off a double steal… throw a piranha in the White Sox dugout, the sky’s the limit! Go Twins! White Sox 67-46. Twins 48-65 Today’s Hurlers For The Twins: Griff “The Grifter” Jax. 2-1 5.36 ERA 22K For The Pale Hosiery: Dallas “Kiss It Goodbye” Keuchel 7-5 4.44 ERA 76K Line-Ups to Come Later… Hopefully
  17. I ducked out for a quick shower and got back in time to see we spotted the Sox 4 runs. I guess I shouldn't have shampooed.
  18. He throws 4 innings, climbs out of the dugout to start the 5th, gets out to the mound, Rocco sees him take that deep breath, runs out and gets him, the official scorer records Borrows as being relieved without throwing a pitch, scratches his head in consternation, calls his wife and says, "Honey? How do I score this?" She replies, "I don't know, but I think Rocco is half there." From out of the mouths of babes.
  19. Do not Burrows your head in shame. My wilda$$ prediction: the guy throws a no-hitter through 4 and 1/2 innings, then Rocco sees him taking a deep breath, concludes he's about to collapse under such a heavy workload, pulls Burrows, sends in the bull pen and they no-hit the rest of the game, TD fans across the state are so excited they become breathless, worried spouses call ambulances, ICU beds are filled to overflowing with gasping Twins fans, the governor declares a state of emergency, Kirk Cousins rushes off to get a coronovirus shot, trips over the dog, breaks his nose, his right hand and both knee caps, goes on the IR, Zim gets drunk, beats up Rocco and we all live happily Everafter... well, until the Vikings season starts anyway.
  20. Oh, and bring Gordon back up and rotate him in at SS and 2nd. Give the kid a real opportunity to prove or disprove he can't play middle infield.
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