Dave The Dastardly

We used to say clever things in baseball, using words that conveyed a sense of excitement; a sense of action. A batter delivered a crucial hit and you’d hear/read things like “Kepler drives in a run!” Or “Escobar scores on a key hit up the middle!” “Drives” and “scores” are commonly used and easily understandable verbs that connote action and excitement. That’s a good thing. But now if you read game wrap-ups on the Twins official site, our guys don’t do exciting things anymore (Which is true in more ways than one). Now our runs are “plated”. What the hell does that mean? I asked that very same question of the American Dictionary. Guess what, the big American Dic doesn’t know either. There’s “plates” - the things most of us non-barbarians use to hold our food until we shovel it down between burps - and there’s “plating”; coating an object with some sort of overlay. So I guess if Twins batters “plated” a baserunner, it means they coated him with something; gold, bronze, cheap veneer, liquid horse manure? And how do they accomplish that? They got like a spray gun or something underneath their jerseys they whip out and hose down the incoming baserunner before they take off for first themselves? Or maybe they use one of those electroplating gizmos; they stick a couple probes into the baserunner as he goes by and then hit the juice, leaving the runner coated in galvanized gray. You know, in case he has to stand out in the rain during outdoor baseball. Okay. Maybe I’m a purist, or even an anal retentive pedantic, but you know what, it’s irritating enough following the Twins while wearing a bag over your head without having to reach for the ear muffs and blinders, too. So for the sake of Twins fans’ sanity everywhere do us a favor Twins reporters and use some action verbs when describing what little excitement takes place on the field. Don’t make me come over there and plate you!

So you've never had to listen to Joe Morgan?

Boy! A little anal, are we?

Here's the problem; the Twins best prospects are stuck in the minors because of deadweight in the majors. So the solution is to clear out the deadweight, bring the kids up and let them learn how to play while the fans are enjoying beer and food in the stadium. Cut the price of the brewskis and the "fans" won't even watch the kids make mistakes. They'll be too busy sucking up the "stadium experience". That's a euphemism for "drinking too much beer". They'll also willingly buy 2018 Twins jerseys which the club can sell for outrageous prices. There will be numbers on the jerseys, but no names... maybe blanks the fans can fill in with magic markers - the kind that can be erased. So how do we clear the roster? Keep in mind we really don't want any players in return because what we're doing is creating room for the "utes" in the minors. So put Bill Smith in charge of trading the deadweight. If anybody can can empty a roster and not get anything in return, Smith's the man. "Go Twins" will have a whole new meaning.

A worse fate for Cold Omaha could not have gone as well As watching the team called the Twins go completely to hell. There are infielders in the outfield and young outfielders looking in, Batters missing pitches and ineffective pitchers in the pen. Old arms are throwing homers while young flamethrowers are being hosed, Sitting in the minors counting the years on their toes. The manager seems baffled, the front office unaware While fans are leaving the stadium headed anywhere but there. Minnesotans are masochists, winter proves that to be true But even a loyal Twins fan can’t shiver when he’s blue. There seems to be no answer, no solution to the drought Except to start the massacre and throw everybody out.

He's been found! And he is on his way back to Rochester. Just thought I'd mention that before I get swamped with comments telling me the same thing.

I didn't catch (neither did JR Murphy) all the game last night even though it was at the top of my priority list. Why? Berrios, the latest Twins pitching Messiah, was supposed to take the mound. As it was I turned on the radio in the third inning and... Berrios was gone! Gone! Like in no longer in the game! The third inning! Okay. Like Forrest said, things happen. The kid might've fallen off the mound, caught a liner with his teeth, collided with Boy Mountain Sano while taking the field... Hell, he might've been abducted by aliens, transported right off the mound. Or maybe, just maybe, he was under the mound waiting to do that Lazarus thing when things got hairy. But it was already hairy. I think it was like 8-2 in favor of the Tigers when I tuned in. Okay. So what happened to the kid? Along about the 5th inning the radio announcers mentioned Berrios in passing... Wait a minute. Bad choice of words there. Unless he was going to attempt that Lazarus thing. Anyway, I learned the Messiah had gotten torpedoed after two thirds of an inning. Two thirds? Is that like two outs, or 45 minutes? Whichever comes first? Anyway, that was it for information on Berrios. So what happened to the Messiah? Couldn't find the strike zone? Was he serving up fatballs (that's not a mispelling)? Did he fall off the mound and break his leg? So I checked the Twinkies web site this morning; no mention of Berrios. So did the aliens really get him? And then zap the stadium with mind-erasing lights so no one would remember? Or is he already on the bus back to Rochester - the place where all Twins prospects go until they're "ready". It's sort of like Hotel California... you can check out whenever you want but you can never leave.

I think you're spot on. Let's find out if these "prospects" can play right now otherwise there is no future for the Twins. The only thing I'd add to your list is replacing Molitor with Dougie. This team needs a fiery manager. Grandpa ain't cutting it.

Okay, you’re 8-25, 14 games out of first and one fifth of the season has already gone by the wayside. So what do you show for video highlights on your website? A single that drove in a run? A couple of catches in the outfield? Granted, getting an RBI is a rarity for this team, even a clean catch in the outfield is something to write home to mom about, but come on, is that all real baseball fans have to look forward to this season? What’s next? Mauer chewing bubble gum? A surreptitious sunflower seed spit that clears the bench railing? Let’s face it. Twins baseball isn’t baseball anymore. It used to be fans went to the ballpark to see a competitive game, to watch their favorite players make great plays. Nowadays “fans” are there for the “experience”; good views of the field (but with no idea of what their supposed to be viewing), novel food items (sold at outrageous prices), social media contacts (with other “fans” who are there to stare at their smart phones) and of course a chance to acquire a new souvenir as proof they’ve actually partaken in the “experience”. For these fans, great plays are optional. Besides, they’ll probably be eating nachos or buying a T-shirt when the great play is made anyway. Maybe they’ll catch the replay on ESPN the next day. Call me a curmudgeon. Call me a cynic. Call me anytime but during a Vikings game, but I think us oldtime baseball fans have to admit it; there’s nothing for us to watch (except in horror) when the Twins take the field. This team isn’t built to win, it’s built to entertain the mindless masses. When the main attraction is a different food on a stick, or a strange dish created by a fat chef from Timbukto, who cares if the team can’t catch, can’t hit and can’t pitch? It’s the experience, man! Gimme a side order of nachos with that! And one of them $8 beers. Make that two. What? There’s a game going on? So as long as the experience-seekers are buying tickets, there’s no incentive for the Twins organization to try and field a competitive team because it makes no difference if they’re competitive or not. You can sell a ticket and a footlong hot dog to a fat guy who wouldn’t know a bunt from a line drive just as well as you can to the schmuck who’s following the game by keeping score, except the fat guy might eat two or three footlongs while he’s “experiencing” whereas the scorekeeping fan won’t want to take his eye off the game; except to slip the paper bag over his head.