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Dave The Dastardly

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Everything posted by Dave The Dastardly

  1. Dave The Dastardly
    Don't do it. It's addictive.
  2. Dave The Dastardly
    Hey, I'm happy because I never have to go to either NYC or ShyTown ever again. I'll admit it, I'm a BigCityphob. Man was never meant to live in hives or swim upstream on cement highways hoping to fertilize something (an idea, a paycheck or a fellow human being) before they die. Give me the wide open spaces where men are men, women are naturally gorgeous and you can catch a baseball game from the comfort of your own couch where the beer's cheaper, the refrigerator is a few steps away and the bathroom's just down the hall. Wait a minute... I just heard a car go by. First one this morning. Damn traffic! Going to ruin the neighborhood if this keeps up!
  3. Dave The Dastardly
    I had an irregular heartbeat once. But after I left the strip club it straightened right out... the heartbeat I mean.
  4. Dave The Dastardly
    Should we consult the Twoth Fairy?
  5. Dave The Dastardly
    I heard the Portly Panamanian is going to be in town, maybe they're waiting to re-sign him.
  6. Dave The Dastardly
    David Alan Coe turned me on to country. I'll take that beer. Just don't call me by my name.
  7. Dave The Dastardly
    Don't worry. If there are, the Twins will find them. I'm going to cry myself to sleep, knowing full well when I awake the Twins world will be a darker place. How 'bout them Vikings!
  8. Dave The Dastardly
    Your perspicacity speaks volumes. But that muffled thud we hear in the background is the excitement over our new high school shortstop.
  9. Dave The Dastardly
    Instead we got bupkis?
  10. Dave The Dastardly
    They'll be into the bullpen by then. Bring your blindfold. Maybe a cigarette... Firing squad optional.
  11. Dave The Dastardly
    I live 60 miles from the ballpark and there's always a dark cloud over my house.
  12. Dave The Dastardly
    I'm stunned. Shades of ignoring an immediate need for a long term project. Al la Vikings? Treadwell instead of an O-lineman? Is there something in the Minnesota water?
  13. Dave The Dastardly
    I'd like to see you stick to that.
  14. Dave The Dastardly
    Forgive my ignorance, but did you mean Reggae music boxes? Although I suppose the Swiss are more into horns than oil drums... Seriously, very nice! Beats my shot glass collection.
  15. Dave The Dastardly
    Remodeling is an American wife's hobby, a husband's nightmare and a contractor's gold mine. We once set out to replace an old dishwasher with a new one; cost of new dishwasher, $250. Final cost including installaion; $2,500. We moved shortly after.
  16. Dave The Dastardly
    I have pursued many careers over my lifetime, marketing however was never in my sights. But I think I might have one more career in me. If I can just get this thing to snowball... thaw the initial cold shoulder of resistance... break the ice if you will... I might be able to hitch my sleigh to a new star! OOH! I shiver at the possibilities!
  17. Dave The Dastardly
    Let's modify that. Run the clip with the long homerun, but Bert says "The Sanoman; he's going to frost your balls!" Then the video switches to a closeup of a grinning Sano smearing frosting on a baseball. Run that by the PR office. I've got to to go take my meds.
  18. Dave The Dastardly
    How about "The Sanoman"? You know, like snowman. Just going with the Minnesota motif. We run a video clip of one of Sano's long homeruns sailing out of sight and Bert's voice comes on says, "The Sanoman; he's going to freeze your balls!" That ought to put the fear of God in Twins opponents. Might even get Bert another fine and suspension.
  19. Dave The Dastardly
    Along with disappointment, heartbreak and masochism. There's also a downside.
  20. Dave The Dastardly
    Wait, you mean your college students stayed awake during class?
  21. Dave The Dastardly
    Well now that's reassuring.
  22. Dave The Dastardly
    Considering where the Twins are in their rebuilding project, this is the Wright guy.
  23. Dave The Dastardly
    Well, we're only down three after one inning. I can go to bed now knowing we're not going to get blown out.
  24. Dave The Dastardly
    Sauerkraut, chopped onions, ketchup, mustard. One beer to wash it down. Second beer to wash down the tums. Wipe mouth on sleeve, hands on pants leg. Burp loudly, but politely. Take wife's elbow to the ribs with a smile.
  25. Dave The Dastardly
    I'd give him a little chin music first, hoping he'd throw out his back while dodging the bean ball. Then I'd give him heat away, hoping the sore back shortens his reach. Unless of course he attacks the mound with his bat in hand after that first pitch. In that case I'd ask him to sign my cast. Which I could probably sell on e-bay for a gazillion dollars, which of course I would have to give to the doctors who put me back together... Maybe I just walk the guy.
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