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Front Page: Suggestions for Attracting Free Agents to the Minnesota Twins

RandBalls Stu

By RandBalls Stu
in Twins Daily Front Page News

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RandBalls Stu Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

RandBalls Stu

Twins Daily Contributor
Posted
Posted

With the winter meetings over and the pickings for free agent talent growing slim, it appears that the Twins need some help in landing players. They have a playoff roster and money to spare yet are finding no takers. Clearly, they need some curb appeal. Here are some suggestions for turning this whole thing around.Put some good-ass snacks in the dish at the front desk.

You know how when you go to a bigshot corporate office the receptionist has a bowl of, like, Jolly Ranchers or Life Savers at the main desk? Oh. Great. Thanks. But how about when it’s like whole candy bars or cold Gatorade or chicken fingers with an assortment of dipping sauces? You’d probably think, hey, these guys are awesome. Especially if you can pitch 200+ innings in a season and anchor the middle of a rotation for 3-4 years.

 

Hire Chip & Jo.

The hosts of Fixer Upper have managed to make total dogcrap houses in Waco, Texas look like attractive, desirable homes with a little shiplap and a lot of dad jokes and farm sinks. You gotta figure we can turn Chip loose with sledgehammer in the clubhouse and let Jo design the perfect workspace for a third baseman who can field the position and hit for power.

 

Offer a chance to record an album of duets with Joe Mauer.

The retired Twins catcher already has an apocryphal rap album in his discography. As a father of young children, he probably relishes the chance to get the entire hell out of the house. And who would turn down the chance to enter the studio with a future Hall of Famer to lay down some tracks over some sick beats? Definitely not a back-of-the-rotation starter with potential to be something more than that who you can sign to an affordable deal and coach up.

 

Abduction of a large adult male with upside.

OK. This is a tough sell. I already hear your objections about it being both a traumatic crime and that it was already done by the guy from Home Alone in the 1996 comedy Celtic Pride. But! What if the abductee with the ability to consistently give you six solid innings every fifth day goes Patty Hearst (kids ask your grandpa) and sympathizes with Minnesota’s inability to land a name free agent? We’re just saying that all options are on the table, and that by reading this you’re a criminal co-conspirator so you better just shut up if you’re thinking about squealing.

 

Offer to help him move without being asked.

I moved out of my home of 20 years in September. It was a lot of work! Chances are, as a professional athlete, this bullpen piece who can lock down the 8th inning has had to do this more than once and would appreciate Falvey and Levine showing up with a dolly and wearing those hernia belts. Maybe design the belts to look like WWE title belts with something like BEST FRIENDS engraved on them? Might work! Those sofa sleepers are a nightmare.

 

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Twodogs FCL Twins

Twodogs

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Move the team to one of the coasts.

Just move the Twins corporate offices to like Santa Barbara or something like that. They don't need to know that the team plays in Minnesota, once they sign their deal in the Santa Barbara offices they will be stuck??

IndianaTwin Wichita Wind Surge

IndianaTwin

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Screw that.

 

Just flood the coasts. Would anyone miss anything east of the Mississippi?

 

Hey, hey, hey...

 

-IT

 

(Though actually, I'm generally with you in concept. I'd rather be living back home so I could change my name to IowaTwin. I hear the sun shines there from time to time.)

jud6312 FCL Twins

jud6312

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

They could try cold hard cash.

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

hahahahahaha I kill me.

 

My sources tell me Falvine is allergic to the number 0, which is why checks cut by the team can't contain too many of them.

Nine of twelve Wichita Wind Surge

Nine of twelve

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Nice try! I know you guys thought if you named it Port-land that you'd attract all the free agents with them thinking it's on the ocean, when it's actually 100 miles inland. What a scam!

Actually, it has a natural harbor right on the Atlantic Ocean. Plus you could probably get a good deal working as a spokesman for LL Bean.

nicksaviking MVP

nicksaviking

Community Moderator
Posted
Posted

 

Actually, it has a natural harbor right on the Atlantic Ocean. Plus you could probably get a good deal working as a spokesman for LL Bean.

 

Ah the other one. That would be an even longer Uber ride to the park for Mike though.

 

I bet they'd have excellent oyster stew and crab cakes in the concession stands though.

Don Walcott FCL Twins

Don Walcott

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Loving the front desk reception snack idea! My suggestion would be to go total local-Nut Goodies, Bit O Honey, Salted Nut Rolls and Old Dutch Chips. All those coastees, once good taste hits them, won't want to leave!

Why not go all Minnesota State Fair on them and put all of this on a stick . . . and in a deep fryer.

Riverbrian Cooperstown

Riverbrian

Old-Timey Member
Posted
Posted

 

Nice try! I know you guys thought if you named it Port-land that you'd attract all the free agents with them thinking it's on some nice oceanside beaches, when it's actually 100 miles inland. What a scam!

 

Yeah Exactly

 

I still can't explain Portland, North Dakota or Grand Island Nebraska. 

Nine of twelve Wichita Wind Surge

Nine of twelve

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

 

Let's throw in autographed copies of all the Husker Du albums on vinyl and see if that does the trick! Then again ...

I have the first Jayhawks album on vinyl. I'd be willing to contribute that if it helps to sign a good starter.

goulik FCL Twins

goulik

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

I say go with Deception. Bring em to Fort Meyers and lead them to believe that we are the Fort Meyers Twins. Show them the beaches, proximity to Miami and Disney Land and don’t bother with the truth until Spring Training is over. By then maybe they will even like us!

Lasorda_This_Out College Ball

Lasorda_This_Out

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

Convince FA's that "Fargo" is NOT in Minnesota?

Hollywood flick that has forever cemented the perception of the "Land of Sky Blue Waters.."

 

Potential FA thought process....

 

"Do I want to sign with LAX, SAN, SFO, SEA, LGA, DCA, ATL, MIA, DFW or FAR?"

 

;-(

  ;-(

    ;-(

The_Phantom College Ball

The_Phantom

Verified Member
Posted
Posted

This is just being fairly dishonest, TBH. I am sure there have been some free agents with geographic preferences, but most of the time we hear that we weren't willing to offer that 5th year that the other club met, or our AAV was 5 million less. We can't expect free agents to think Minnesota is a lovely place to live and therefore take a lesser contract offer. It's as simple as the Twins aren't putting up the biggest offers so they're not getting the biggest free agents, despite the cash being there. 

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