Eleven Free Agents the Twins Should Avoid

[RandBalls Stu]

Many baseball publications, including this one, focus on players the Twins should acquire. The following is not that.

Image courtesy of © Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

The Minnesota Twins have several needs to meet this offseason. Shortstop. A top-of-the-rotation starter. Probably another catcher. Bullpen help. You can’t swing a dead cat without a local writer offering their suggestions.

This is fine. What’s equally important, and what these so-called experts refuse to address, are the moves the Twins shouldn't make. A bad signing or ill-begotten trade can derail a season before it even begins. Andrelton Simmons. Tommy Herr. Matt Shoemaker. Names that live in Minnesota baseball infamy as surely as Phil Cuzzi or the marshmallow salesman who got clocked by Billy Martin.

Here then are the free agents the Minnesota Twins should avoid as they build their 2023 roster. Reasonable people can often disagree, but not in this case:

• Matthew Perry. The former Friends star is releasing a memoir about his decades-long struggle with drug addiction, but it’s being overshadowed by his disparaging remarks regarding Keanu Reeves. Everyone loves Keanu Reeves. Off-the-field controversy is never something a team wants to court, especially if the free agent is 50 and only plays celebrity hockey.
• Ty Cobb. Dead.
• A 3BR, 2 BA house in Eagan. The spike in interest rates can’t help but make a financially conscious team like the Twins wary, and this spacious rambler with an open-concept kitchen and walk out basement doesn’t fit any of their current needs.
• Kevin Costner in Bull Durham. The team clearly wants Ryan Jeffers to be the everyday catcher, but his injury-marred 2022 and Minnesota’s lack of MLB-ready depth at the position points to the need for help. Unfortunately, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham is unavailable, as he was just acting and is much older now.
• Whitey Ford. Dead.
• The Papa John’s Papa Bowl. While the team might have gluten issues or are looking to cut out the healthy dose of carbs in pizza crust, a pile of hot pizza toppings in a bowl feels like it creates more problems than it solves. Lean proteins and vegetables feel like a better fit.
• Aaron Judge. He’s such a big dude he might bonk his head on Target Field’s doorways. For a team with a recent history of concussion issues, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
• Rod Carew. He’d still probably hit .300, but the power and speed just aren’t there, as he’s a 77-year-old man.
• Kanye West. Google “kanye+west”.
• Walter “Big Train” Johnson. Dead.
• Pat Mahomes. Twins lineage, generational arm talent, and a bona fide star. However, plays a different sport and would be unavailable for much of the season. Also his voice kinda sounds like a Muppet with a scratchy throat, which may cause problems with Twins outfielder Max Kepler, whose wife recently left him for Grover per Alpha News.  

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[sorney]

Whitey Ford - they should at least pursue a chance at acquiring the Whitey Ford song by Everlast.  It's a nostalgic banger.

[IndianaTwin]

What are your thoughts on a Ron Davis reunion?

[old nurse]

Willie Norwood. It was said he could run like a deer. It was just too bad the were all those headlights above the stadium 

[mikelink45]

I would trade Emilio Pagan for a bag of used baseballs or a dead Ty Cobb.  Never rule out a trade until you see the final results!

[Dave The Dastardly]

As long as we're adding dead weight go for Billy Martin. There's too many marshmallows on this team.

[DJL44]

I think we could find someone to remodel the doors if they sign Judge.

[Fire Dan Gladden]

I strongly disagree with not going after Crash Davis.  He brings proven power (all-time minor league HR leader) and a heady, no-nonsense approach to the game.  He would temper the some of the staff (thinking Sonny Gray).  He reminds me a lot of Mike Scioscia...

He could be a short-term veteran answer.  Go get him now!

Along those same lines, they should strongly consider bringing back Lou Collins to play RF.  They did retire his number after all (this is true.  His jersey is hanging in the owners office in Major League III).

[Cris E]

Roy Hobbs didn't quite die, but I still have reservations.  He's got at least one kid now and I'm not certain he'd come back for just any team.  

[Johnny Ringo]

You forgot anyone who wants to get paid anything for more than 1 year.*

 

* Randy Dobnak is excluded from the foregoing.  

 

[DJL44]

The Pohlads are only interested in the house in Eagan if they can foreclose on it.

[DJL44]

There's a Herschel Walker joke here somewhere

[jjswol]

Dumb

 

[BobAzar]

 

I think Mr. Burns has a few good ideas too...

[joefish]

Put me in coach. I'm ready to play 

[Rosterman]

Beating a dead horse in this article...almost.

[LiamC]

Hahahahaha wonderful article

[ashbury]

Tommy Herr is just waiting by the phone, waiting for that phone call to solve the Twins' second base problems.

[Vanimal46]

Rare look inside the board room with Jim Pohlad, Derek Falvey, and Thad Levine. 

[Craig Arko]

Since Ted Williams’ head isn’t what it used to be, I suppose he’s out too.

[USAFChief]

17 hours ago, ashbury said:

Tommy Herr is just waiting by the phone, waiting for that phone call to solve the Twins' second base problems.

We could have Herr AND Brunansky. And Pete Townshend. A "Tommy" revival.

[Hosken Bombo Disco]

There are some nice suggestions in this article, but at this point, even Tommy Herr would be the first to tell you that only God can help this Twins team! 

[Parfigliano]

Sign two-thirds of the Mets broadcast team.  Bring in Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling.

[ashbury]

2 hours ago, Hosken Bombo Disco said:

There are some nice suggestions in this article, but at this point, even Tommy Herr would be the first to tell you that only God can help this Twins team! 

Gaetti was more the one with that POV, as I recall.

[EGFTShaw]

On 10/28/2022 at 8:34 AM, mikelink45 said:

I would trade Emilio Pagan for a bag of used baseballs or a dead Ty Cobb.  Never rule out a trade until you see the final results!

This is a baseball version of my hockey trades.

Player XX, (in my case the Capitals play by play guy) for a bucket of hockey pucks...maybe even frozen ones... LOL

[EGFTShaw]

What about Bobby Bonilla's contract with the Mets.

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