Bombshell Investigation Reveals Twins Training Staff Doesn’t Believe in Stretching, Muscle Science

[Nick Nelson]

Posts from angry social media users prompted an internal investigation that exposed Twins medical malpractices, and validated the barrage of injury-related outrage and finger-pointing from fans.

In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through the sports medicine community, a new exposé has revealed that the Minnesota Twins training staff does not, in fact, believe in stretching, muscle maintenance, or the human musculoskeletal system in general.

The investigation was sparked by a string of tweets from a concerned and extremely medically literate fan following news that Royce Lewis would miss time with a hamstring strain. One particular tweet, which read in part, "DO THESE GUYS EVEN STRETCH?????? FIRE THE WHOLE TRAINING STAFF @Twins", prompted the team's ownership to launch a full internal investigation into the medical practices of its employees, Twins Daily has learned.

What they found, sources say, was "alarming."

“Honestly, we’ve just been kind of winging it,” admitted head athletic trainer Nick Paparesta in an exclusive interview. “I always thought hamstrings were kind of a vibe thing. Like if you believe in them too much, they tighten up.”

Paparesta, who joined the Twins in 2023 after a stint with the A’s (where players frequently healed injuries using sage smoke and emotional journaling), confirmed that the Twins' pregame routine consists primarily of vibes-based movement, light gossip, and playing hacky sack in a dimly lit yoga studio.

“We tried foam rollers once,” said one assistant trainer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being chased out of town with torches and pitchforks. “But they’re, like, hard? And that seems kind of mean to the body.”

Other revelations from the report include:

• The team has been using a "feelings wheel" to diagnose injuries and throwing darts at a board to determine recovery timelines.
• Instead of MRIs, players are evaluated using auras and energy readings.
• Muscle cramps are treated with "positive affirmations and, if necessary, a cool LaCroix."

The report found that not one player on the current roster has performed a hamstring stretch since spring training of 2019. Leaked documentation of Byron Buxton's 2022–23 offseason rehab plan revealed a loose collection of vague bullet points, motivational stickers, and at least one crudely drawn diagram of a stick figure labeled "BYRON" doing squats next to a cartoonish knee wrapped in duct tape and hope.

When reached for comment, Twins President of Business and Baseball Operations Derek Falvey expressed surprise at the findings. “Wow, yeah. I guess I assumed we were doing that stuff. Like, at least the basic anatomy parts. I mean, we have a table. There’s tape. It seemed legit.”

Meanwhile, fans who have harped endlessly on social media about the team's conditioning approach and handling of injuries are expressing vindication.

“I’ve been saying this for years,” said X/Twitter user @TwinsFan42069. “They should be doing three-hour dynamic warmups before every game, followed by a cool-down run around Lake Nokomis. It’s what I do before my adult kickball league and I never miss a game.”

Major League Baseball declined to comment, but sources inside the league office say they are “deeply impressed” by how angry Minnesota fans get about injuries that are extremely common in a sport that involves explosive sprinting and diving.

In a show of accountability, the Twins have promised to re-evaluate their training protocols and perhaps even "Google what a hamstring is."

Royce Lewis, for his part, says he remains hopeful. “It’s frustrating, of course,” Lewis said. “But if this means they’ll stop rubbing crystals on my thigh and finally give me an ice pack, I’m all for it.”

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[PatG]

Is this true or meant to be humor?

 

[Joe A. Preusser]

I saw it was in Just for Fun section and I STILL did a short double take.  

Also, I actually have plantar fasciitis in real life.  Where can I pick up some of those crystals, and what flavor of LaCroix do they recommend?

[Bodie]

31 minutes ago, Joe A. Preusser said:

I saw it was in Just for Fun section and I STILL did a short double take.  

Also, I actually have plantar fasciitis in real life.  Where can I pick up some of those crystals, and what flavor of LaCroix do they recommend?

This is a Twins page, so the answer to your second question is obvious... Matthew LaCeoix! (now with extra fat!!!)

[Parfigliano]

Seems about right.

[Fatbat]

I remember that time when they actually taught Josh Donaldson a different way to run….

[Rod Carews Birthday]

AKA How can you call people out without them realizing it!

[tony&rodney]

Good one Nick. I had commented recently in a Lewis or Lee thread that I couldn't even believe people were questioning the knowledge and expertise of sports training staff. I half expected an article spoofing those criticisms. Too bad you have to identify this post as humor. It is timely and provided a good chuckle.

[Joe A. Preusser]

1 hour ago, Bodie said:

This is a Twins page, so the answer to your second question is obvious... Matthew LaCeoix! (now with extra fat!!!)

Coincidently, my plantar fasciitis is caused by all my extra fat.  It's all coming together.

[CRF]

Not funny. 

[USAFChief]

2 hours ago, PatG said:

Is this true or meant to be humor?

 

Yes.

[JD-TWINS]

4 hours ago, PatG said:

Is this true or meant to be humor?

 

Headline is SATIRE, so that leads one to believe it’s intended at humor.

Many at TD think Lewis lifts weights all day w/o any training staff being involved & “that’s why he’s hurt all the time” …… etc. Nobody pays attention to Brock Stewart’s habits - they ignore Lee’s back issues and on and on……

[JD-TWINS]

2 hours ago, tony&rodney said:

Good one Nick. I had commented recently in a Lewis or Lee thread that I couldn't even believe people were questioning the knowledge and expertise of sports training staff. I half expected an article spoofing those criticisms. Too bad you have to identify this post as humor. It is timely and provided a good chuckle.

Training staff is out smoking dope and playing hacky sack or cards while Lewis lifts weights endlessly and while Tonkin & Stewart & Lee blow off any stretching regimen - it’s obvious!!

[tony&rodney]

3 minutes ago, JD-TWINS said:

Training staff is out smoking dope and playing hacky sack or cards while Lewis lifts weights endlessly and while Tonkin & Stewart & Lee blow off any stretching regimen - it’s obvious!!

Well, everyone is either out smoking dope or gobbling gummies.

[Craig Arko]

Looking at some of the recent threads one things jumps out. Some writers have a knack for comedy. Just not too many of them.

Which is fine, of course. Comedy is hard.

[Squirrel]

5 hours ago, PatG said:

Is this true or meant to be humor?

 

It says at the top of the article it’s meant to be satire

[Joe A. Preusser]

 I'll just say that I would love a new hacky sack circle group.  It's been like 20 years.  Enough is enouth, hackers gotta hack.

[Mike Sixel]

The part about the staff is clearly comedy. The commenters?

[Russ]

The new training staff was suppose to improve keeping players on the field

We see no improvement 

 

[saviking]

Personally, I think it's in the water they drink ..

[Original_JB]

1 hour ago, saviking said:

Personally, I think it's in the water they drink ..

I had heard rumors that they had switched to a new, highly discounted product from their water provider; I guess the new stuff is called "Kineti-No"

[Vanimal46]

It’s best to leave satire and comedy to the professionals. Or at least have Randball’s Stu review your work to double check if there’s actual comedy in the post. 

[Squirrel]

14 hours ago, Vanimal46 said:

It’s best to leave satire and comedy to the professionals. Or at least have Randball’s Stu review your work to double check if there’s actual comedy in the post. 

Satire isn’t always meant to be comedic. It can be but if you reread the definition there is an ‘or’ in there. I think poking at some posters’ ridiculousness is warranted and I, personally, got a chuckle out of it. But yes, I think RS is genius at comedic satire. But not all satire is comedic. 

[Craig Arko]

21 minutes ago, Squirrel said:

Satire isn’t always meant to be comedic. It can be but if you reread the definition there is an ‘or’ in there. I think poking at some posters’ ridiculousness is warranted and I, personally, got a chuckle out of it. But yes, I think RS is genius at comedic satire. But not all satire is comedic. 

Indeed, some of the best has been available on Signal.