Fifth Starter Conversation Turns to Chestnut

[RandBalls Stu]

The four-year-old mare would be the first horse in MLB history.

Image courtesy of Unsplash/Engin Akyurt

With Anthony DeSclafani’s health a question mark and Louie Varland potentially earmarked for St. Paul, the Minnesota Twins might need a fifth starter as Opening Day looms. Unsigned big names like Blake Snell would be obvious solutions, but Minnesota’s self-imposed price controls make that unlikely.

With three weeks left to make the call, one dark horse candidate has emerged. And that’s not a metaphor.

Chestnut, a four-year-old mare from Anderson Stables in Belle Plaine, Minn., is on the radar as a budget-minded stopgap, per multiple sources.

“She has stunning haunches and a great attitude,” said a front office source. “The power she can generate if we can teach a horse to throw is off the charts. Real potential to miss bats and pound the strike zone.”

“There’s no rule that says a horsey can’t play baseball,” said a source familiar with President of Baseball Operations Derek Falvey’s thinking. “We did a word search in the rule book and everything.”

Some are skeptical of the team’s plan.

“Horses don’t have hands,” said a member of the team’s training staff who asked not to be identified. “Hooves are not hands. It’s incredibly important to realize that horses have hooves.”

“Horses can’t throw,” said a member of Minnesota’s analytics department. “You can’t coach them up to throw a baseball or hold a bat. They’re horses.”

The front-office source scoffs at the “neigh” sayers.

“No offense to the analytics department, but at the end of the day, the games are played on the field, not a spreadsheet. You know where horseys spend a lot of time? Fields. You know where they don’t? Math class.”

Chestnut’s link to the Twins first became known when she was seen walking through the clubhouse after Minnesota’s victory over Boston on Wednesday.

“There’s not a ton of room in there after a game with all the players and media,” said LaVelle E. Neal III, Star Tribune columnist. “And now there’s a horse. And it just took an incredibly fragrant dump in the middle of the room. That said, (former Twin Bert) Blyleven did that too, and he’s a Hall of Famer.”

The team doesn’t expect to make a final decision for another week or two, but it’s clear that Chestnut has the upper hand. That is a metaphor, as she does not, in fact, have hands.

“Budgets are tight, Chestnut would sign for the league minimum, and instead of a team car, one of our staffers could just ride her back home from the game,” said the front office source. “Can you imagine how exciting that would be, riding a Twin home on 394?”

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[h2oface]

Paddack says "Get her out of the paddock and on the mound. We need females in MLB!"

[Cory Engelhardt]

This was awesome as usual. I also learned there are a number of different ways to spell horsey (horsy, horsie) so hopefully they did look up all the variations in the mlb rule book. That rule book is LONG.

[IndianaTwin]

Is this any relation to Joey Chestnut? I hear he eats like a horse.

[Riverbrian]

Can we be serious for a moment please. This is ridiculous. Horses can't pitch... Horses can't peel an orange either. They just put the whole orange in their mouth and eat it. 

If you can't peel an orange... you can't pitch... everybody knows this. 

Now... pinch runner... that is completely possible and you have to wonder why they messed around with Billy Hamilton at all. 

Think about it

Wouldn't even need to take a lead. No infielder is going to block the bag so they will all be compliant to the new rules. Singles turn to triples. Stealing home will become a thing. 

BTW... Since we are finally getting serious. 

A polar bear would make an incredible EDGE rusher in the NFL. 

[Cory Engelhardt]

30 minutes ago, Riverbrian said:

Can we be serious for a moment please. This is ridiculous. Horses can't pitch... Horses can't peel an orange either. They just put the whole orange in their mouth and eat it. 

If you can't peel an orange... you can't pitch... everybody knows this. 

Now... pinch runner... that is completely possible and you have to wonder why they messed around with Billy Hamilton at all. 

Think about it

Wouldn't even need to take a lead. No infielder is going to block the bag so they will all be compliant to the new rules. Singles turn to triples. Stealing home will become a thing. 

BTW... Since we are finally getting serious. 

A polar bear would make an incredible EDGE rusher in the NFL. 

Mr Ed played baseball. It was a whole thing. 

[Riverbrian]

50 minutes ago, Cory Engelhardt said:

Mr Ed played baseball. It was a whole thing. 

According to roster resource. He will be our 2B this year. 

[BobAzar]

"There’s no rule that says a horsey can’t play baseball,”

 

yes, the well-known "Air Bud" clause...

 

"The front-office source scoffs at the “neigh” sayers."

 

you magnificent SOB....*chefs kiss*

 

 

[USAFChief]

I dunno about horses, but how about an orangutan?

Think about it...HAS hands. Long arms that should generate the velo that's all the rage these days. No need to redesign uniforms. Body hair no worse than Gary Gaetti. Obvious "Every Which Way But Loose" movie night promos. 

 

[Riverbrian]

3 hours ago, RandBalls Stu said:

The four-year-old mare would be the first horse in MLB history.

Everybody knows that baseball players don't reach their peak until age 27.

Chestnut will be a free agent long before that time. 

[Gamblerssoftball]

Chestnut's incredibly fragrant dump in the clubhouse would most certainly surpass Bert's bomb. A hint of alfalfa is much better than crickets, nightcrawlers, or spicy tacos that Bert routinely ate. Bert's dump probably had more volume, too. Everyone know how full of crap Bert's is! Lol!

[Dave The Dastardly]

3 hours ago, Riverbrian said:

Can we be serious for a moment please. This is ridiculous. Horses can't pitch... Horses can't peel an orange either. They just put the whole orange in their mouth and eat it. 

If you can't peel an orange... you can't pitch... everybody knows this. 

Now... pinch runner... that is completely possible and you have to wonder why they messed around with Billy Hamilton at all. 

Think about it

Wouldn't even need to take a lead. No infielder is going to block the bag so they will all be compliant to the new rules. Singles turn to triples. Stealing home will become a thing. 

BTW... Since we are finally getting serious. 

A polar bear would make an incredible EDGE rusher in the NFL. 

Gotta agree about the polar bear... they'd eat up offensive lineman.

[IndianaTwin]

3 hours ago, Cory Engelhardt said:

Mr Ed played baseball. It was a whole thing. 

Also, Gus. 

[Schmoeman5]

The only "Chestnut" horse I would have paid to see is Secretariat. He would throw every day. No other pitchers needed. But the orangutan. Hmmm. That might fly.

[Teflon]

There is precedent for this... with the Dodgers, no less!

 

[ashbury]

I agree with Riverbrian.  Pinch runner.  I know, I know.  Hear me out, please. 

With only slight modifications, a horse could be a great pinch runner. 

Okay, I thought there would be more to say.  I'm done now.

[ashbury]

Wait, wait.  We need to think outside the box, here.  It doesn't have to be specifically a horse.  You know who could be great on the bench?  Or would be great as a swing man, ermh, swing equine?  This guy:

[Fire Dan Gladden]

Another article from Stu that is more truth than satire.

Chestnut brings more to the table than DeSclafani.

[Richie the Rally Goat]

4 hours ago, ashbury said:

Wait, wait.  We need to think outside the box, here.  It doesn't have to be specifically a horse.  You know who could be great on the bench?  Or would be great as a swing man, ermh, swing equine?  This guy:

I agree! Put me in coach!

[Rod Carews Birthday]

I believe we should sign his brother, Joey Chestnut.  He could be a real innings eater!  

[Twins_Fan_For_Life]

"She has stunning haunches and a great attitude."  This sounds a lot like my wife.   Maybe she is 5th starter material??????

[nclahammer]

RandBallStu is either on-to-something or on-something, however the Atoms did set a precedence in football with Gus the Mule.  Okay, enough horsing around and onto the film footage.

 

[sampleSizeOfOne]

Is this what coaches mean about having the horses to get tot he post season? I always thought it was metaphorical, like going to heaven if you have been good.