Article: Sources: Injury Gods Advise 'Not Getting Attached' to Willians Astudillo

[RandBalls Stu]

The Old Ones, praise their name, look to continue ravaging your favorite baseball team.

 

After a spate of injuries to potential franchise cornerstones like Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano, there was growing speculation that the Injury Gods might finally take their foot off the gas in their gleeful demolition of the Minnesota Twins.Sources close to the Gods say Twins fans should brace for more anguish.

 

“Oh, they’re not done with Minnesota yet,” said a source with knowledge of the Gods’ thinking, who asked for anonymity so as not to be sent to the Pit of Just Knives Always. “The second they found out how much joy Willians Astudillo brought the fan base and the Internet, that really got things cooking in The Chamber of That Which Is To Come.”

 

A second source confirmed that the Twins were very close to getting out of Spring Training without further incidents beyond garden variety aches and pains.

 

“They really thought the Sano injury was their masterstroke,” said a source in the front office of Dlekhem, Harvester of Ulnar Nerves. “They even made up a word, debridement, just to see if everyone else would repeat it. And they did! Lo, the laughter that echoed across The Great Hall of Wounds and Desolation hasn’t been heard since Teddy Bridgewater’s knee exploded.

 

“They’re not ones to rest on their laurels, though. Even with (Byron) Buxton’s lost 2018 and the Sano injury and the Royce Lewis oblique strain, they’re always looking to inflict more pain. Even when they were about to adjourn for a weekend in Branson, they double checked to see if there was any delight in the Twins fan base. Astudillo’s name came right up.”

 

What the Gods have planned cannot be known by mortal brains, which are too puny to process their baleful wrath. But both sources indicated that all options are on the table for suffering.

 

“It could be something as pedestrian as a dislocated shoulder or a hamstring that just can’t get right, or it could be something truly decadent, like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,” speculated the first source. “Here are these adorable puppies colliding with the earth at incredible speed, and your mind can’t even process that horror, and then BOOM: Chainsaws. The mental and physical trauma is quite delicious.”

 

Asked why the Gods seem so laser-focused on hammering the fragile spirits of Twins fans, the source confirmed what many had speculated all along.

 

“The Old Ones, from Dlekhem to Ogenth the Ligament Flayer, are all Yankees fans. They also said they’re sending another storm this weekend. Sorry about that.”

 

 

Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor.

 

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[John Bonnes]

This story actually made me google "Odenth The Ligament Flayer." The good news is that Twins Daily is at the top of that google search. The bad news is that Twins Daily is at the top of that google search. 

[ashbury]

What tribute or sacrifice is required, to avert this fate? Would Tyler Jay's left arm on a platter suffice? Or does it have to be something still of value?

[Otto von Ballpark]

If Astudillo gets hurt, I don't think the fans here could take it, so don't tell us. Just tell us that he's much happier now playing at a farm with other tortugas.

[Puckett34]

 

What tribute or sacrifice is required, to avert this fate? Would Tyler Jay's left arm on a platter suffice? Or does it have to be something still of value?

I volunteer August-September 2018 Matt Belisle as tribute

[Otto von Ballpark]

 

I volunteer August-September 2018 Matt Belisle as tribute

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

[goulik]

 

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

This is starting to sound like mid season trade talk so I will offer Nick Gordon, Tyler Jay, a PTBNL and cash for a return of Sano early and Astudillo's healthy season

[Puckett34]

 

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

[nicksaviking]

Did Phil Hughes take his excised rib with him or did he leave it here? Maybe we can pull a fast one on them.

[Otto von Ballpark]

 

This is starting to sound like mid season trade talk so I will offer Nick Gordon, Tyler Jay, a PTBNL and cash for a return of Sano early and Astudillo's healthy season

 

 

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

 

Warning: the gods won't necessarily hold up their end of the deal either. Like when we traded Aaron Hicks to the devil, and he promised an MLB catcher in return...

[drunksam]

Is there not a rule that any offering must start with or at least include Duensing?

[less cowbell more neau]

...like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,

That pretty much sums it up.

[Puckett34]

 

Is there not a rule that any offering must start with or at least include Duensing?

Obviously, the rule is he must be included. With a potential return not limited to Mark De Rosa. But the return should at least include Mark De Rosa

[mickeymental]

meanwhile, a 41-year-old nick punto grabs the neatsfoot oil and waits by the phone.

[jimbo92107]

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

[Mike Sixel]

 

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

 

Cthulu cares not for your offerings.....

[sorney]

Source close to the gods always make me think of Danzig....

Not sure if that is good or bad

[USAFChief]

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

Raisins? In brownies??

 

Are you TRYING to bring down the wrath of the gods on us???

[Twodogs]

I'm not sure the God's appreciate all of the frivolous joking about offerings of nothing. It might make them mad enough to brew up some bi-lateral leg weakness and spew it on to one of our boys. You know, one of those injuries that you just can't figure out.

[7r4de me]

More articles like this please

[ANDwon]

The Twins tried to sacrifice a first base/dh player already but were told "there is no Duda only Zuul!"

[Platoon]

Raisins? In brownies??

Are you TRYING to bring down the wrath of the gods on us???

If you want to enjoy the average Twins season, it's not raisins you need in brownies!

[Platoon]

If Astudillo gets hurt, I don't think the fans here could take it, so don't tell us. Just tell us that he's much happier now playing at a farm with other tortugas.

Astudillo could end up playing with the other tortugas on a farm, in Upstate New York. Rochester to be specific!

[Doctor Wu]

It's time to bring back Carl Pavano!

[Otto von Ballpark]

More articles like this please

I hope you mean more funny articles, and not more articles with "injury" in the title!

[Doomtints]

This is a good time of year for these articles, were I find myself with my highest level of skepticism and lowest level of confidence in how the Twins business acts/treats players/chooses who to sign and play.

[AlwaysinModeration]

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

These gods are so mean and spiteful, they might afflict the Twins with some sort of scary comebacker, hitting him so hard that the letter “A” from the Rawlings baseball is emblazoned on the chest (or maybe left shoulder) of Taylor Rogers, forcing him to miss 4-80 months.

 

Oh, and Duffey is next,

[Puckett34]

 

These gods are so mean and spiteful, they might afflict the Twins with some sort of scary comebacker, hitting him so hard that the letter “A” from the Rawlings baseball is emblazoned on the chest (or maybe left shoulder) of Taylor Rogers, forcing him to miss 4-80 months.

Oh, and Duffey is next,

Ah forgot about Duffey, knew there was at least one more Tyler.

 

The gods care not for that Tyler. The decent curve with no second pitch to mix makes him very unappealing to them. For that offer, Taylor Rogers (not a Tyler) is now anywhere from day-to-day to career ending with a right hand strain (please note that he is a lefty).

[AlwaysinModeration]

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

It is clear now that Tyler Austin was the sacrificial price the Twins had to pay for Buxton to return to action Friday night, rather than being out until June.

[Twodogs]

Warning: the gods won't necessarily hold up their end of the deal either. Like when we traded Aaron Hicks to the devil, and he promised an MLB catcher in return...

We aren't going to make this go away with trades to the Yankees. It came to me in a dream last night, the injury gods started their focus on the Twins when we gave the Red Sox the Holy Grail, David Ortiz, at that point the Red Sox instantly became immune to these Yankee soothsayers, ever since the Babe Ruth trade these Yankees were able to tell the future of the Red Sox based on their stupidity. Once they received the Holy Grail from us for nothing, they were no longer able to do this and it made them very mad, that is why they are focusing on the Twins and sending them their plight. The twins sensed this and even tried to send the Red Sox the anti-christ to their new found Holy Grail in Doug Mientkiewicz, but the future had already been put into motion and nothing could stop what was to come in bean town. The Twins will never please these God's of injury plight by trading the likes of Aaron Hicks to the Yankees, that's not biblical enough. To avert these God's focus the Twins are going to have to trade something to the Red Sox that will once again send bean town into a tailspin. Someone who is Deemed to be really good, but in reality becomes their Achilles heel. Our most perfect opportunity last year would have been sending Brian Dozier to the Red Sox. That's a guy that everyone everywhere feels that needs to play everyday, but now in Washington is hitting .091. it's that kind of catastrophic trade let down that these guys need in order to avert their magic on the Twins. I have no idea who the Twins should send to bean town this year that could break this spell and save the likes of our tourtuga. Maybe Odorizzi?? Is he maybe deemed good enough that they have to start him all of the time, but in the end will let the Bosox down Everytime they face the Yankees?? I'm not sure, but that is what my dreams told me. At least it was the dream in-between the one where I was supposed to make french toast this morning and the other one that told me to take up snowboarding so I could hang out with the swedish bikini team? IDK, it made sense though?