Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Surprise First Place Start

[RandBalls Stu]

'I’ve never been more angry,' said Bradford.

 

With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success.

“It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.”

The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about.

“Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’

“I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford.

Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed.

“Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.”

With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking.

“I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.”

“Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.”

“May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.”

 

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[wsnydes]

And have you noticed that there aren't any vendors going up and down the aisles at TF?  What's with that?!?  JEEEEEEEZ!!!!!!!  This franchise can't do anything right!

[rwilfong86]

The title of this article is misleading, it should be "Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Poor Management Decisions". No one is angry about being in first place. 

[dxpavelka]

4 minutes ago, rwilfong86 said:

The title of this article is misleading, it should be "Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Poor Management Decisions". No one is angry about being in first place. 

Should be "Twins Fans Are Stupid."

[TheLeviathan]

Some posters here and their inspirational nonsense really need to start getting partial credit for authoring these entries.  

[BobAzar]

"Godless Chicago White Sox" is the greatest, most apt description ever. 

[BobAzar]

37 minutes ago, rwilfong86 said:

The title of this article is misleading, it should be "Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Poor Management Decisions". No one is angry about being in first place. 

[theBOMisthebomb]

Haha, 31 years with no titles and a record setting playoff losing streak can wear you down. The complaints flow easier than the compliments. The shot at government workers was not cool. 

[Cory Engelhardt]

57 minutes ago, rwilfong86 said:

The title of this article is misleading, it should be "Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Poor Management Decisions". No one is angry about being in first place. 

I'm sorry you didn't get quoted in the article

[Craig Arko]

You chose wisely. 

[TheLeviathan]

1 hour ago, rwilfong86 said:

The title of this article is misleading, it should be "Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Poor Management Decisions". No one is angry about being in first place. 

Is that you Beck Bradford?

[raindog]

So chickenfingers69 is Beck Bradford. Can't believe you doxxed him.

[UPDude]

"Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them."

That's comedy gold, right there.  ?

[Will Goodwin]

This may be the single most genius article in TD history.

[Kummel]

Funny!  A good fan base roots for the team and also should feel it's ok to question things.  It's understandable Twins fans are a little sensitive given the playoff history of local teams at this point.  But yes, the level of vitriol is high (society-wide, not just baseball).   

 

[ashbury]

Thad Levine turned 50 last year.  I wish anyone had thought of me as a boy genius when I was that age.  I wish anyone had thought of me as a boy genius when I was a boy.

[Will Goodwin]

57 minutes ago, Bigfork Twins Guy said:

The absolute best thing out of all this outrage is that there is interest in the Twins, not the apathy that has existed in the past.

Agreed. It shows the level of intrigue. Also begs the question of why fans get so invested. (I wrote about this)

 

[rwilfong86]

12 hours ago, BobAzar said:

Not the case, I just think these types of satire aren't that funny. Thanks for playing, try again. 

[Twinsrtheworst]

Absolutely love it!

[ashbury]

44 minutes ago, rwilfong86 said:

Not the case, I just think these types of satire aren't that funny. Thanks for playing, try again. 

One of these comes out each Friday, almost as though on a set schedule.  You might consider just skipping them all.

Perhaps your capsule review of Jonathan Swift's work would have been, "the title is misleading and should have been A Ridiculous Proposal. In any case Irish babies ought not be cooked and eaten," back in the day.

[Robert Gauthier]

I didn’t know that the Onion had a twins beat writer.