Local Idiot Surprised by Rash of Twins Pitching Injuries

[RandBalls Stu]

‘I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy.’

Pitching is inherently an injury risk. The human body is not meant to do that. That’s why the news this week that Jhoan Durán, Caleb Thielbar, and Anthony DeSclafani would all start the season on the injured list (and in DeSclafani’s case, potentially stay there all season) disappointed many, but surprised few.

Except for Logan Vandiver, an absolute load from Cottage Grove.

“Here’s the deal: I thought if we traded Jorge Polanco, we’d get a pretty sweet starter out of the deal,” said the 37-year-old moron. “I know DeSclafani was banged up a lot last season, but I figured that would give him time to rest and recuperate.”

The complete fool, who works in logistics for a local food service company, said he was equally taken aback by Thielbar’s bad hamstring.

“I’m about the same age as Caleb,” said the dullard. “My hamstrings are just fine. I work out a couple times a week, go golfing in the summer, never had an issue. I know it’s not striking out the other team’s best left-handed hitter 20 years after high school, but I’m sound as a pound.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the bozo also expressed surprise that Durán, MLB’s hardest thrower in 2023, could strain an oblique muscle.

“OK, he’s a reliever, so that’s just a couple dozen pitches every two or three days at most,” said the sweet summer child. “If he was a starter, sure, only like Nolan Ryan and Justin Verlander throw that hard that often. But I guess I was wrong.”

Friends say Vandiver’s credulous, dumbstruck ways have impacts on his own life as well.

“At minimum, he’s fallen for three multi-level marketing schemes in the last two years,” said Gina Urquhart, a longtime co-worker. “He is sitting on a garage full of yoga pants and supplements that don’t work.”

For his part, the simple, cornfed rube swears he didn’t see this coming.

“I guess I just thought reclamation projects, aging veterans, and the guy who throws 104 mph would stay healthy,” said the sap.

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[chinmusic]

A veritable infusion of variations on stupidity😀

[Ctwink]

"Snarky writer lampoons readers who are simply pointing out Twins Front Office's track record of trading for starting pitchers who immediately get hurt"

[Huskertwin]

32 minutes ago, Ctwink said:

"Snarky writer lampoons readers who are simply pointing out Twins Front Office's track record of trading for starting pitchers who immediately get hurt"

If they weren't already hurt upon arrival.

[CCHOF5yearstoolate]

If anything, this is making fun of the FO and anyone who thought DeSclafani would be healthy this season.

News flash, pitchers get injured and it's not their fault!

[Riverbrian]

I know Logan Vandiver. 

His wife says that he doesn't notice things.

Logan once pulled up to a self serve fuel pump and waited 8 hours for someone to come out and pump his gas. Despite a self serve sign and despite dozens of drivers pulling up to the pumps, getting out and self serving around him, he didn't notice and continued to wait. 

Not noticing things and patience can pay off eventually. A cashier from inside finally said enough is enough and went out and pumped his gas just to clear the fuel aisle. This cashier continues to do this whenever Logan pulls up in his Ford Edge with two low tires that Logan also doesn't notice. 

Logan is a frequent poster on Twinsdaily. His identity will be kept a secret, others will have to guess. 

 

[killertwinfan]

Aptly written.  There is literally nothing of value to say about this team.  We are who we were with a few changes. From a year ago we have diluted our starting pitching. Buttressed that with a thin bullpen and patched together the field with a mixed bag of players who’s first line of their bio starts with “If they stay healthy…”. 

[Reptevia]

“YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME ARE YOU”!?!-Logan’s Wife

Logan, “What a weird way to start a conversation “. 

[Dave The Dastardly]

"Cornfed rube".

Given the state's predilection for homegrown sweet corn this could be any of us.

 

[Dave The Dastardly]

1 hour ago, killertwinfan said:

Aptly written.  There is literally nothing of value to say about this team.  We are who we were with a few changes. From a year ago we have diluted our starting pitching. Buttressed that with a thin bullpen and patched together the field with a mixed bag of players who’s first line of their bio starts with “If they stay healthy…”. 

Sounds like your beer stein is 3/4 empty. I'd suggest a bottle of Grain Belt. Stay away from that canned stuff.

[Rod Carews Birthday]

“I’m sound as a pound.”

I’m gonna use that.  Priceless!

[Woof Bronzer]

I'm not really a fan but calling Derek Falvey a "local idiot" is a bit extreme imo.  

[Woof Bronzer]

It's truly a measure of how sideways the modern sabermetric-obsessed game has become when fans are trained that the ONLY way to pitch is to chuck the ball as hard as humanly possible every single time and OBVBIOUSLY this means most chuckers are going to destroy their arms and if you didn't unquestioningly accept this you're a stupid rube.  

In a few years some cutting edge team is going to try a grand experiment in which starters DON'T actually chuck it as hard as possible every time but experiment with mixing speeds and taking a few MPH off the heater in an effort to prolong careers.  They'll call it "pitching" and minds will be blown.   

 

 

[FLYBOY1979]

What’s wrong being corn fed? I like my ribeye corn fed. I like my bacon corn fed. Go Twins.

[Brandon]

Well if the pitcher who throws 104 is only throwing 101 at this point of the season that is significantly less torque and he should be able to handle that lower level of stress on his body.  

[Fatbat]

The ‘24 Twins opening day roster. “Sound as a pound”.

[DJL44]

20 hours ago, Woof Bronzer said:

In a few years some cutting edge team is going to try a grand experiment in which starters DON'T actually chuck it as hard as possible every time but experiment with mixing speeds and taking a few MPH off the heater in an effort to prolong careers.  They'll call it "pitching" and minds will be blown.   

The Rick Anderson way

[ashbury]

21 hours ago, Woof Bronzer said:

In a few years some cutting edge team is going to try a grand experiment in which starters DON'T actually chuck it as hard as possible every time but experiment with mixing speeds and taking a few MPH off the heater in an effort to prolong careers.  They'll call it "pitching" and minds will be blown.  

 

48 minutes ago, DJL44 said:

The Rick Anderson way

The coach will call it Pitch To Contact, the fans will call it Nibbling, and careers will be blown as batters tee off on "mistake pitches" that catch a little too much of the strike zone at 84 MPH.

[twinstalker]

Idiot, moron, bozo, dullard, sap.

These don't make it funnier and actually make it less funny.  (This is not about PC, I"m talking about writing satire).  The "report" of this guy would never use these words.  Certainly the writer of this article (in the fake world) needs to be credible for this to be funny.

I've seen it before in this space and believe Stu wouldn't do this without a reason (because he knows this takes away from it all).  But it's the same with feeling we need to make sure people understand it's satire by putting the definition up there, and maybe that's the point.  It's sad.  If it gets to the point where you have to explain it's satire once, much less multiple times, it's maybe time to stop.  My guess is that Stu's talents in this arena can be much better used, more comedic.

On Canis Hoopus you're not allow to explain the joke.  If someone can't get it, that's their own fault.  

[Beast]

Logan must be a high ranking member of the FO?

[laloesch]

On 3/22/2024 at 3:24 PM, Woof Bronzer said:

I'm not really a fan but calling Derek Falvey a "local idiot" is a bit extreme imo.  

I agree.  I think he’s done an okay job, for example the Lopez trade.  And then not so good such as the Tyler Mahle trade.  Do I prefer him over Terry Ryan ABSOLUTELY!

[USAFChief]

I guess you can call me a "non-local idiot who expects every Randball piece to be clever and humorous." 

[sampleSizeOfOne]

You can cure rashes with local application of ointment or topical creams, no?

 

What topic should we cream now?

[sampleSizeOfOne]

5 hours ago, USAFChief said:

I guess you can call me a "non-local idiot who expects every Randball piece to be clever and humorous." 

I could, but i'm pretty sure they don't come when called, and even then i think i'd have a hard time redirecting them to you. My guess anyway.

[sampleSizeOfOne]

On 3/22/2024 at 10:13 AM, Dave The Dastardly said:

Sounds like your beer stein is 3/4 empty. I'd suggest a bottle of Grain Belt. Stay away from that canned stuff.

Grain belt might do the trick, since the clips on my suspenders seem to come lose at in opportune times.