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The Case Against Joe Mauer’s Hall of Fame Candidacy

RandBalls Stu
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RandBalls Stu Ft Myers Mighty Mussels

RandBalls Stu

Twins Daily Contributor
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We asked the weirdos and angry loners in Twins territory why they oppose the former MVP’s possible entry into Cooperstown. Here’s what they had to say.

Image courtesy of Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Joe Mauer will make the Hall of Fame.

Maybe not this year, but it’s inevitable. Even with injuries marring the latter portion of his career, his peak performance at the game’s most demanding position makes the honor more a matter of when, not if.

Still, there’s a small, if vocal, opposition. Poisoned by years of talk radio bluster and rancid internet commentary, these absolute goons will let you know, in no uncertain terms, that Joe Mauer is soft. A loser. A faker. We asked these numbskulls to expand on their now decades-long campaign against reason. This is what they said:

Damon Kubesh, Rochester: Sal Butera got a ring. Tom Nieto got a ring. Junior Ortiz got a ring. Joe Mauer got bilateral leg weakness. In case you missed it, that’s not a ring.

Gale Stalmach, Comfrey: In my day, you didn’t get concussions. You got your bell rung, shook it off, and kept going. Now everyone’s soft, and it’s because of Joe Mauer. They call it CTE because it’s Communist Twins Excuses, that’s what.

Scott Jankowitz, New Prague: I called into KFAN once to tell The Common Man (Dan Cole, longtime afternoon host) what I really thought about Joe Mauer. He hung up on me and started talking about golf. Some people don’t want to hear the truth.

Abe Willis, Fridley: Here’s an advanced metric for you: Don’t hit singles when you’re making $23 million a year. These nerds who say he was underpaid when he was hitting all those dingers should take their spreadsheets and calculate why every Twins beat writer has me blocked on Twitter.

Paul Lang, Minneapolis: I saw on Tik-Tok that we invaded Iraq to get oil money to pay for his contract and that makes him a war criminal. You want me to honor that?

Nate Lunde, North St. Paul: I pitched against him in high school. Got him to a 1-1 count before blue started squeezing me, so I piped one down the middle. Let’s see what you got. The home run he hit off me never landed, and not a single person in my life has let me forget it. I hate him.

Tom Hanson, Anoka: Much like the patriots who tried to take our country back on January 6, 2021, I’m not afraid to tell people the truth: Joe Mauer should’ve been cut on the first day of spring training in his rookie year. If I knew how to contact my children, they’d tell you I’ve been on the case since day one. When my fourth wife Rhonda gets back from her ceramics instructor’s one-on-one weekend cabin retreat, she’ll tell you the same.


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Brock Beauchamp GOAT

Brock Beauchamp

Site Manager
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Quote

These nerds who say he was underpaid when he was hitting all those dingers should take their spreadsheets and calculate why every Twins beat writer has me blocked on Twitter.

Quote

If I knew how to contact my children, they’d tell you I’ve been on the case since day one.

omfg I'm dying

 

Nine of twelve Wichita Wind Surge

Nine of twelve

Verified Member
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6 hours ago, tony&rodney said:

Nice.

Thing is, I think we read a few of these in the comments about Mauer on Twins Daily.

I vote for "If I knew how to contact my children..." for best in class.

If not Twins Daily then certainly on startribune.com

ScottO Prep Ball

ScottO

Verified Member
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Great fun!!! I couldn’t stop laughing.  Favorite two lines:  (1) Much like the patriots who tried to take our country back on January 6, 2021; (2) and that makes him a war criminal. You want me to honor that?

Thank You for your humor.

 

sampleSizeOfOne MVP

sampleSizeOfOne

Verified Member
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Posted
On 12/1/2023 at 7:53 PM, ashbury said:

Stealing from one = Plagiarism

Stealing from many = Satire 

The great Lobachevsky approves (only be sure to call it "research")

Stealing from everyone = Art. 

(or tax? i've never been that good at spelling)

 

 

ashbury GOAT

ashbury

Verified Member
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Posted
4 minutes ago, sampleSizeOfOne said:

The great Lobachevsky approves (only be sure to call it "research")

Stealing from everyone = Art. 

(or tax? i've never been that good at spelling)

Aw, ya caught me.  I stole it.

sampleSizeOfOne MVP

sampleSizeOfOne

Verified Member
Posted
Posted
On 12/1/2023 at 11:14 AM, RandBalls Stu said:

When my fourth wife Rhonda gets back from her ceramics instructor’s one-on-one weekend cabin retreat, she’ll tell you the same.

Did we ever hear from Rhonda?

I feel there is more to this story which a dedicated journalistic staff could uncover.

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