The Case Against Joe Mauer’s Hall of Fame Candidacy

Joe Mauer will make the Hall of Fame.

Maybe not this year, but it’s inevitable. Even with injuries marring the latter portion of his career, his peak performance at the game’s most demanding position makes the honor more a matter of when, not if.

Still, there’s a small, if vocal, opposition. Poisoned by years of talk radio bluster and rancid internet commentary, these absolute goons will let you know, in no uncertain terms, that Joe Mauer is soft. A loser. A faker. We asked these numbskulls to expand on their now decades-long campaign against reason. This is what they said:

Damon Kubesh, Rochester: Sal Butera got a ring. Tom Nieto got a ring. Junior Ortiz got a ring. Joe Mauer got bilateral leg weakness. In case you missed it, that’s not a ring.

Gale Stalmach, Comfrey: In my day, you didn’t get concussions. You got your bell rung, shook it off, and kept going. Now everyone’s soft, and it’s because of Joe Mauer. They call it CTE because it’s Communist Twins Excuses, that’s what.

Scott Jankowitz, New Prague: I called into KFAN once to tell The Common Man (Dan Cole, longtime afternoon host) what I really thought about Joe Mauer. He hung up on me and started talking about golf. Some people don’t want to hear the truth.

Abe Willis, Fridley: Here’s an advanced metric for you: Don’t hit singles when you’re making $23 million a year. These nerds who say he was underpaid when he was hitting all those dingers should take their spreadsheets and calculate why every Twins beat writer has me blocked on Twitter.

Paul Lang, Minneapolis: I saw on Tik-Tok that we invaded Iraq to get oil money to pay for his contract and that makes him a war criminal. You want me to honor that?

Nate Lunde, North St. Paul: I pitched against him in high school. Got him to a 1-1 count before blue started squeezing me, so I piped one down the middle. Let’s see what you got. The home run he hit off me never landed, and not a single person in my life has let me forget it. I hate him.

Tom Hanson, Anoka: Much like the patriots who tried to take our country back on January 6, 2021, I’m not afraid to tell people the truth: Joe Mauer should’ve been cut on the first day of spring training in his rookie year. If I knew how to contact my children, they’d tell you I’ve been on the case since day one. When my fourth wife Rhonda gets back from her ceramics instructor’s one-on-one weekend cabin retreat, she’ll tell you the same.